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  #1    
Old July 16th, 2014 (10:41 AM).
Talon's Avatar
Talon Talon is offline
The Blade's Shadow
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: A place
Gender: Male
Nature: Rash
Posts: 1,057
More free-verse this time. I didn't think about it before, but it sounds similar to a song by Papa Roach. Woops. Guess I just had the song on my mind or something, but I didn't intentionally make it so similar.

All I wanted was to be loved

I can feel it burning,
Deep inside.
My time has come.

And all I wanted,
was to be loved.

I never give in,
I never give out,
I just want to be loved.

Running through my mind,
Thoughts of the end,
and all I wanted was to be loved.

I never give in,
I never give up,
I just want to loved.

My heart pounds,
My hands throb,
I can feel it inside,
The dark thoughts have come to get me,
But my sweet sugar gun does not protect me.

Take the past,
Burn it up and let it go,
Carry on,
When I'm gone.

I never give up,
I never give in,
I just want to be loved,

Take the past,
Burn it up and let it go,

I never give in,
I never give in,
I just want to be loved,

Take the past

I never give up,
I never give in,
I just want to be loved

Burn it up and let it go

I just want to be,
Want to be loved.


What do you think?
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  #2    
Old July 16th, 2014 (2:16 PM).
ShivaDF's Avatar
ShivaDF ShivaDF is offline
The Scooter-riding Artist
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Gender: Female
Nature: Calm
Posts: 481
There's nothing really wrong with this poem, but I feel like it lacks specific detail. The concept of a person's suicide being covered up by dissonant imagery has been done so many times that I feel your poem needs to be more unique.

As you said, this reads like a song, and in a song who have other layers of meaning to work with--namely, the music, vocals, and when it is played. I think if you want to go for a dissonant effect, you need more of that imagery.
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