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Old January 21st, 2013, 06:45 AM
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king cook
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Salisbury, England
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Introduction:

This fanfiction is based upon my hack of FireRed Pokémon Sienna. It near enough follows the in-game plot with my own twists and character adjustments. My inspiration for this is Turtleking's DP Manga that was written quite a few years ago and I see my fanfiction as the Voultan (being the region in which Sienna is set) version of what Turtleking was trying to do.

Pokémon of Voultan:

Here is a spoiler which shows sprites of the Pokémon that have been featured in the fanfiction so far so that people can grasp a visual concept as well as a written one:
Spoiler:
#1 - Gramet
#4 - Moocano
#7 - Ponfant
#8 - Strinder


Chapter List:

Chapter 1 - Humble Beginnings
Chapter 2 - N/A
Chapter 3 - N/A

Chapter 1 - Humble Beginnings:

The sun cracked on a typical Voultan morning. The sun glazed the coastal town’s seafront with a beautiful sparkle; a spectacular view was made even better. The brown mountains shone into a shade of caramel brown. Two houses reside in Atlantic Town, these red topped houses include two stories and traditional styled foundations; however, there are two other buildings in Atlantic Town, one is a limestone building topped off with a gray roof; this is Professor Marsh’s laboratory. The other is blocked off by a large tree that can only be cut down by a Pokémon, unfortunately no trainers with strong enough Pokémon reside in Atlantic Town and it has done nothing but grow larger and bushier; hidden behind here is a brown roofed Pokémon Gym.

With the sun sparkling and Kiwee tweeting, Atlantic Town was a hard place to stay asleep. However, at least one person was still asleep; a young Blue haired male was led fast asleep in his bed, a brown duvet covering his naked body in the process.

This child, however, was about to get rudely awakened. A blue and grey Pokémon which garnered a blue helmet was ready to pounce on top of the blue haired child. This Pokémon was Strinder, this child was Granite. Strinder was originally Granite’s fathers’ Pokémon. When Granite was six months old Granite’s father left home in an attempt to access The Haven.

The Haven is believed to be a myth. The Haven is reportedly a haven for the legendary Pokémon named Gralite. Gralite is a part of Voultan’s formation and is one of the strongest Pokémon known to man. Gralite has only ever been officially recorded once; this was during its fierce battle with Lugia. After it was laid to rest by Unirsum its surroundings were teleported to the sky by the extremely powerful Unirsum and this place has since been called The Haven. The Haven has never been accessed or seen and is thought to be always on the move. This place is where Granite’s dad has been searching to find.

Strinder reached out its right hand and extended its long claws, they almost instantaneously turned metallic; Strinder then swiped its fist at Granite’s duvet. The duvet immediately turned to shreds and left Granite startled; this startling made Granite leap out of his bed and onto the floor with a large thud.

“Strinder what do you think you’re doing?!” Granite shouted as he reached out his left arm as to rub his head. A large lump was beginning to appear on the back of Granite’s head, Granite was rubbing the lump in an attempt to soothe the spot of his swelling.

Granite swung out his fist as in an attempt to strike Strinder in the face; Strinder immediately flinched and grasped its face with both paws. As soon as Granite’s fist closed in on striking Strinder, Granite stopped swinging. Granite burst out laughing at his attempt of tricking Strinder being pulled off well.

After Granite ceased his laughter he reached out his right hand in a position where Strinder could high five him in remorse; Strinder reciprocated Granite’s movement by reaching out his left arm and letting his left paw connect with Granite’s right hand.

Granite stared across his room to the right hand where a large grandfather clock was situated. Granite had been given the Grandfather clock as a parting gift from his brother whom had left home not too long ago; however, the clock was not agenda, what was, though, was the time. The clock read 11AM; the postman came at 10:30AM and Granite was finally hoping to receive news of his application to become a student at the illustrious Pokémon Trainer Academy in the Kanto Region.

Granite who, at this point, was still lying on the floor bare naked jumped to his feet in a sudden movement. Granite, who was still naked, quickly clasped his hands over his private parts and shuffled over to his wardrobe careful that his neighbours would not catch a glimpse of him through his open bedroom window.

Once Granite had safely navigated his way over to his wardrobe, he began to ruffle through his belongings and quickly threw his chosen pieces of clothing onto the floor. Granite wore two tops, one was a red polo shirt and the other was a white jacket that was worn over the top of the red polo. Granite’s shoes were plain and in the same red shade as his polo shirt; however, his trousers were a completely different colour, they were dark blue tight jeans that showed off his tight figure.

Granite began to make his way to his bedroom stairs, these stairs led straight into his living room. Just before Granite reached the first step of the stairs there was a large crunching noise. Granite looked down and discovered he had stepped on his backpack, his backpack contained a lunchbox, which was now broken as a result of Granite stepping on it.

Despite this unfortunate event, Granite reached down picked up the reddish backpack and quickly tipped the broken lunchbox and its contents onto his bedroom floor; Granite didn’t bother discarding the contents into a bin and just whipped his backpack onto his back and proceeded to move towards the stairs.

Granite slowly made his way down the stairs, with Strinder following him on the way down. Granite was taking his steps slowly as to not stand on break anything else. After around ten seconds, Granite was into his living room.

As soon as Granite made it into the living room his Mother immediately turned around and ran over to Granite.

“Oh, Granite, you’ve woken up late! Anyway, guess what! Your application to be a part of the Pokémon academy has gotten a reply... Well, Granite, I’m afraid it’s not good news. The application was rebuked and your hopes being accepted are over,” Granite’s face drooped as soon as his Mother informed him of this unfortunate news.

“However, Granite, I know just how much you want to be a Pokémon trainer so I’ve taken the liberty of speaking to Voultan’s Pokémon expert, Professor Maple, on the subject of him supplying you with a starter Pokémon and an official trainer card which grants you access to taking the Pokémon league challenge and he’s agreed to helping you out! That’s right, Granite, you’re going to become an official Pokémon trainer! Now, hop along to his laboratory and collect your Pokémon!” All remorse felt by Granite immediately turned to joy as a massive smile wiped across his face.

Granite kissed his mother goodbye and immediately ran outside of his house and looked out onto the horizon at Professor Maple’s laboratory. The laboratory was just over at the eastern side of the town overlooking the coast.

Granite stepped out of his red roofed house onto a brick paved path that covered most of the town. Granite followed the path, with Strinder close behind him, all the way east to Professor Maple’s laboratory. The laboratory was covered in yellow and orange shaded bricks with a stone grey roof residing on top of the building.

There was a green door with a yellow handle; Granite reached out his right hand and slowly turned the handle, opening the door in the process. Granite stepped inside the metallic floored room carefully making sure he closed the door behind him. As the door shut a large thud emanated making everyone in the room turn and look at Granite; most of all, a short man with black hair and wearing a white laboratory coat.

‘Ah, you must be Granite!’ Exclaimed the old man as he looked at the young blue haired boy. ‘Don’t be shy, laddie, come over here!’ He smiled at Granite; Granite accepted this as sincere kindness and walked over to greet the black haired professor.

‘I’ve spoken to your mother Granite and she’s informed me of your unfortunate situation; so, after paying a small fee, I’ve agreed to supply you with one of Voultan’s basic Pokémon. I’ve got three on that table over there; Gramet, Moocano and Ponfant, go on, pick one!’ Marsh’s voice seemed to pick up enthusiasm as he spoke more and more.

A wide grin garnered on Granite’s face as he began to walk across to the three Pokéballs that were situated on a white and green table. All three balls were metallic on their bottom halves and red on the top.

Granite didn’t know which Pokémon he wanted; nor did he know which ball contained which Pokémon. Instead of looking like a fool and embarrassing himself by asking Professor Marsh, Granite enie meanie miney moed his way to selecting his Pokémon, when he stopped his hand had landed on the middle Pokéball.

Granite picked up the Pokéball with his right hand; he stared at the ball for a few seconds before he was shocked by a flash of white light.

“Ponfant Pon!” Exclaimed the blue, white and yellow elephant type Pokémon that had emanated from the white flashed produced by the Pokémon. Granite took a few seconds to look at the little elephant Pokémon he had received before turning to look at Professor Maple.

“Granite, come over here again,” announced Marsh as soon as Granite had turned around to look at him again. Granite followed Marsh’s commands and walked over to the old man. “Granite, it’s going to be a struggle but I know you can do it, take these five Pokéballs and be on your way, young one.” Marsh handed Granite five red and metallic Pokéballs.

Granite graciously thanked Marsh, turned around and left with his two Pokémon in tow, ready to begin his own journey and make his own destiny.
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  #2    
Old January 25th, 2013, 03:41 AM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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Can't say I expected you to start a fic, Manipulation. Hurrah! =p

The start is a solid enough basis to introducing the character as well as the region, although one problem you have is that compared to the usual trainer fic in which the trainer wakes up, goes to lab, picks Pokemon and starts adventure the only thing offered that would put it different from the norm is the fact it's in a fanmade region with fakemon. The writing is fine although there are some comments I'll make on it, but the premise itself is rather standard. Granted, what happens later may change that, but the beginning thus far is somewhat routine for this sort of fic. Just something to keep in mind I suppose

I initially got a touch confused with the fact that the Granite/Gralite names were pretty similar, so I feel that Granite's name could have been different for the sake of clarity there (and later if Gralite comes up again which I presume it will).
Quote:
The sun cracked on a typical Voultan morning. The sun glazed the coastal town’s seafront with a beautiful sparkle; a spectacular view was made even better. The brown mountains shone into a shade of caramel brown. Two houses reside in Atlantic Town, these red topped houses include two stories and traditional styled foundations; however, there are two other buildings in Atlantic Town, one is a limestone building topped off with a gray roof; this is Professor Marsh’s laboratory. The other is blocked off by a large tree that can only be cut down by a Pokémon, unfortunately no trainers with strong enough Pokémon reside in Atlantic Town and it has done nothing but grow larger and bushier; hidden behind here is a brown roofed Pokémon Gym.
I feel the problem that cropped up the most was your tendency to repeat words or phrases, and the way you start sentences. With the latter, 'The' was used to start four sentences out of five which makes it sound more like a list of events rather than a story. Try to mix it up a little bit more.

With 'The sun' twice in a row it just adds to the above problem as that's a phrase rather than just the starting word. It also can be avoided; as you talked about the sun in the first sentence, you could have just gone with 'It glazed the...' for the second sentence and help with that problem.

I am a bit unsure with your usage of semi-colons as well. They are more to tie together two sentences together on the same subject (so you can say "The dog was big; and angry too." but not "The dog was big; I walked on.") Although in this sentence I suppose you could say this is the case, using it twice really drags out the sentence a lot and makes it more of a run on than anything. Try splitting it up into a couple or few instead. The last sentence is certainly a run on as the comma before unfortunately doesn't work in joining the two parts nicely, and the semicolon after it doesn't work too well (joining talking about the trainers and tree, and a gym behind it seems a bit of a stretch).
Quote:
a young Blue haired male was led fast asleep in his bed,
Sometimes you capitalise words that shouldn't be, such as blue here. It is a colour and not a proper now, so it should have a small b.
Quote:
“Strinder what do you think you’re doing?!” Granite shouted as he reached out his left arm as to rub his head. A large lump was beginning to appear on the back of Granite’s head, Granite was rubbing the lump in an attempt to soothe the spot of his swelling.
A comma after 'Strinder' could be used as he is addressing the Pokemon by name and so a pause would occur in speech (hence the comma in the dialogue).

'A large lump', and 'the lump' was another case of repetition that I feel could be avoided the second time around. After all, we know what is being talked about already so saying 'Granite was rubbing it in an....' would work (if still seem a bit over explanative after it too in why he did it). I would also split up the sentence and adjust the latter half with tenses. Before it you are in the past (shouted, reached) and then sort of go to present (rubbing). The wording is a touch awkward.
Quote:
Granite stared across his room to the right hand where a large grandfather clock was situated. Granite had been given the Grandfather clock as a parting gift from his brother whom had left home not too long ago; however, the clock was not agenda, what was, though, was the time.
'grandfather', especially when it was referred to as such in the previous sentence. The last sentence also sounds awkward due to the continuation via the semi colon (at first you are talking about the clock's history, and then the fact that he was looking at the time which isn't directly related but only somewhat so). Something like '...not too long ago. However the clock was not the agenda, but rather the time was what attracted his attention' or somesuch.
Quote:
Granite wore two tops, one was a red polo shirt and the other was a white jacket that was worn over the top of the red polo. Granite’s shoes were plain and in the same red shade as his polo shirt; however, his trousers were a completely different colour, they were dark blue tight jeans that showed off his tight figure.
Same deal with the last sentence being too long and run on with the semicolons and commas. It's also better to try to spread out this description throughout the story rather than do all the clothes description in one go, as it slows down the story. Try to mix it in with actions (e.g. say if you want to describe his shoes, mention them as he ties them. His hair; say he looks in a mirror and combs the brown long hair of his, etc etc. That way something is happening at the same time, even if it is minor, and so the story keeps moving).
[QUOTE]Granite looked down and discovered he had stepped on his backpack, his backpack contained a lunchbox, which was now broken as a result of Granite stepping on it.[/QUOTE]This is another case of repeating or explaining, rather, too much. You establish there is a backpack that was stepped on, and then follow that what was inside the backpack was broken because he stepped on it. The last five words of my last sentence and the second reference to a backpack can be dropped as it's already obvious to the reader that it is the case. Again as well, try to break up sentences some more. E.g here: ''Granite looked down and discovered he had stepped on his backpack. It had contained a lunchbox which now was nothing more than a few pieces of broken plastic.''
Quote:
‘Ah, you must be Granite!’ Exclaimed the old man as he looked at the young blue haired boy.
One last thing! With dialogue, if what follows the dialogue continues the sentence (that is, it 'flows on' by for instance telling us how it was said or who said it) then you ought to treat it all as one sentence and hence go with exclaimed, not Exclaimed. (Otherwise it is like using a Capital in the middle of a Sentence, which is wrong like so). For sake of examples:

"Hello," said the man.
"Hello!" said the man.
"Hello." Then the man jumped.

You cannot use full stops in dialogue either unless what follows is a new sentence, but stuff like ! and etc is fine. (For another way to identify what to us, read the part following the dialogue. 'Said the man' sounds odd as a sentence by itself, so it can't work as its own sentence due to referring to something else like that).


Despite all the crit it is a decent start. It just needs a bit of cleaning up with various aspects of grammar is all. Good luck with your fic!
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