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Old January 23rd, 2013 (2:05 PM).
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Musique Musique is offline
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Well, I wrote this at school and put it on another forum first but here it is:

"Unneeded Universe"

Don't look up at the stars
they will steal you away
it doesn't really matter
the stars are unneeded anyway.

Never go into space
it will imprison you without your say
you will never return to earth
and remain am empty body that has forever lost its way.

The universe is unneeded
it is just a waste of space
the universe should just shatter
and become nothing but a vacuum of subspace.

Revolting is the first step
but those who try fail
the universe becomes aware of the revolters
it just murders them without a care.

Defying the world's secret is the second step
but by then you wouldn't know what to do
the universe erases the secret leaker's memory
and forget if what they said was even true.

The universe is aware of everything
and the universe doesn't care
it laughs at the human race
and kills those who dare.

The universe is unneeded
it's just a waste of space
the universe should just shatter
and become nothing but a vacuum of subspace.

Never think of the universe in the same way
all it wants is praise
criticize it until you're satisfied.
You'll become a deity;
a deity of horror.

-------------------------------------------------------------

In a way this poem is personified a lot. And it's kind of deep and dark in a way. It's an anti-world poem. Meaning I'm going against the whole entire world. But I picked the universe instead.

Anyway feel free to bash, comment, and criticize this!
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  #2    
Old January 31st, 2013 (3:16 PM).
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Buns Buns is offline
 
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One line that throws me off is
"and become nothing but a vacuum of subspace"
It didn't really fit with the line before I am sure you could have come up with another alternative.
Other then that I honestly really like it ^.^
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