The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Advertise here

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old February 12th, 2005, 05:23 PM
Ry Nephthys's Avatar
Ry Nephthys
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Gender:

Advertise here
I did a revision to my recent one-shot called Chains Of Fatality, which is now called Chained Fatality. I proofread it carefully twice, so if you still see mistakes, please point them out. Well, enjoy. Please vote, read, and review this story. I'd be flying with god dragons if you did.
Chained Fatality
We were made to obey you. The obedient matters flows through our body. It is fused within our blood. The characteristic is fixed inside of our minds. We obey you because in return, we hope to get affection. We hope to obtain independence. We even hope to earn your loyalty, love, and trust. But, there are consequences as the road to our predicted fate is ambled by us Pokmon. We are pushed, we are yelled at, we are sometimes murdered.

All because we lost a battle. We didnt learn a new attack. We dont move quick enough in battle. Our battles dont hit the opposing Pokmon. You might even eradicate us if we dont evolve when you want us to. Sometimes, the case is caused by little things like thiswe are forced to evolve for you. What if we dont to? It doesnt matter to us because we are trying to make you feel happy. But, even if we evolve, you still reject us. We arent the way you want us to be. You dont even care about our feelings, because you think we dont have any. Lets place this in simple words; if we arent what you want us to be, then we suffer.

Why is that?

Pokmon are treated as though we dont qualify the levels of equality with humans. We can verbalize, we can saunter, we can devour foods, and we can even get sick. Like humans, we can catch fevers, we can get colds - all of your sicknesses are ours. But obviously, those comparisons arent good enough for you. Even if we do have similarities, you still consider us as different.

You usually say, We are humans, you are Pokmon. We are normal, you arent. Get used to it.

What are we to do? Pokmon want to qualify your levels, so we pushed ourselves even harder. We learn to speak your language. We try our best to walk on two legs if we have four. Some of us even try to wear clothing, get a piercing; things that humans do.

But, what is your likely response?

We are humans, you are Pokmon. We are normal, you arent. Stay in your place, you yell.

So, what do you do now?

You can answer that question quite easily; you reject us. You sometimes abandon us. You leave us out in the wintry, astringent, vague world, just because we dont meet your qualifications. We break our necks to act like you, but it doesnt matter to you. In the outcome, we are still different. Thats actually what you think; take a look at the world and tell me what you see. We share many characteristics together and you know it. You see Pokmon, you see humans. You see humans running, you see Pokmon running. You see humans playing, you see Pokmon playing.

What is the difference between the two of us?

However, I have one matter to discuss; theres one characteristic in particular that you cant argue with Pokmon about at all. That is the defense of death. Its in both humans and Pokmon alike. In order to not reach the level of fatality, we must feel protected. If we feel threatened, we might reach the point of murderous actions. When you feel threatened enough, you will reach the fatality point.

You cannot deny this; I never did. I never had and I never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As I was released from my respective Pokball, I gradually flapped my advanced, stronger wings. I had successfully reached the point of evolution just for you; I went from a content Vibrava to a disheartened Flygon. I didnt want to change, but you forced me - by making me battle several times a day, I gained enough experience to complete my evolution chain. All of the burns I took, all the scars I took. Just for you.

But what do you care? I am supposed to obey you anyways.

Besides, you thought, Like all Pokmon, youll heal in a matter of seconds. Just return inside of a Pokball, and youll be all better!

But like an intelligent human announced at one time - all heals on the outside, but will always be permanent on the inside.

I looked around from side to side, my environment perceptible to me. You and I were standing in Vinebush Forest. The dark emerald, pink-spotted thorn vines grew quite wildly here. The elongated trees protected us from the blazing orange sun, the shades keeping us rather cool. My dragon-shaped head moved around; I was trying to search for your human-shaped body. My long feet stepped upon the wet, fresh grass. The plant life began sweating several raindrops. Finally, I witnessed your human figure - you displayed an angry expression upon your face. Then I thought for a second; no Pokmon lived here because someone would wind up dying.

So the questions were: Why were we here? Were you trying to kill me?

You stepped towards me, my entire body suddenly shaking in trepidation. I could tell I disappointed you again; was it from the previous battle? I tried to step back to avoid any hits from you, but I triggered yet another bad characteristic from within your mind. It was just in youyou had to express your feelings one way or another.

Why are you moving? Did I order you to move? you yelled.

I wanted to explain my feelings desperately, but you dont understand our language. How was I supposed to express how I felt without speaking my own language? That was one difference between us; you spoke English and I spoke the Pokmon language. I had no choice; I would have to speak my own language in order to speak upon what I was feeling.

Fly, flyyy, gon gonn, fly, gonnnn, I responded back.

I wanted to let you know how uncomfortable I felt as a Flygon. Even though that wasnt what you werent talking about, I didnt care. You needed to know how I felt now. And I meant now. But there were two conditions about that; you wouldnt understand me and you wouldnt care in the outcome. But, as usual, you brought

Shut it with all of the whining, Flygon! you demanded.

As always, I obeyed you. That was my procedure in life - to obey my master, no matter the situation. My entire body vibrated hurtfully as you balled your hands into a fist formation, each one formed perfectly. I released a very low sigh as you charged towards me. You then stopped dead in your tracks, only a few inches in front of my dragon-shaped body.

What was that back there? You lost to a stupid Sealeo! I told you to use Flamethrower against her, but did you? Did you?! you barked out.

Flygon, gon, gon, flyyyy! I answered back.

I wanted you to understand that I didnt know how to use a Flamethrower attack. But, it wasnt my responsibility to announce I was incapable of using that fire-type attack. It was yours. But did you care at that moment when you ordered that attack from me?

No, you did not.

If you did take a second and think about what you ordered me to do, you would have realized that I couldnt learn Flamethrower useless specially taught to. Besides, I didnt want to battle against that Sealeo. I would have been a disadvantage anyways, since dragon-types and ground-types are very weak against ice-type Pokmon like Sealeo. I would have had about a ten percent chance of winning.

But I had to obey you.

It was my only choice.

Likewise, in the end, its what you go by. What you say matters, and if I dont do it, even if I cant, it is my fault.

I hesitated to speak; I could feel that something was about to happen. I predicted correctly - you then lost your temper and attacked me. Your hands punched my stomach repeatedly, pain erupting inside. My heart began to beat faster as your hits became harder. You kicked me in my stomach and legs while your hands smacked my face. My head jolted in a pattern of left and right. You were expressing your anger upon me. I dared not to attack you; I probably would have been dead. So as an obedient Pokmon, I took the discipline. Although I felt highly upset about the situation, I wouldnt attack you. Being as faithful as I have for all of this time, I wasnt going to turn my back on you.

You pushed me down upon the damp grass. My body was set on the grass, blood leaking from my reopened small wounds. Many people thought of Flygon as tough-skinned, in which we are. But, you punched and kicked me all over, including where my healing scars were, reopening the injuries I obtained in a battle against a Piloswine. As the scarlet liquid dripped on the grass leisurely, I then realized I couldnt take this anymore.

All of the pain, all of the stress, I couldnt live another day like this.

As your darkened figure stood above me, I suddenly shot out a tongue of blazing teal flames. My strong Dragonbreath attack came in handy to defend myself. As the dragon attack blasted you in the air, you glanced in surprised, yet cringed in severe pain. This gave me enough time to get up. As I stood on my long feet, I glared at you with vicious eyes. All of these years you hurt me, you abused me. An intelligent Flygon, like myself, knew what was best. You invaded my space, you took me over the edge. Now it was time to return the favor. I couldnt be your Pokmon anymore. It was time for you to pay the price.

As your body descended towards the grass, I kicked your body towards the thorns that were apart of the wild-growing vines. You fell back into the vines, the thorns sticking you in the back and tearing through your stomach. Blood oozed out of your body, your white tee shirt now a scarlet shade. Blood dripped down your legs, your eyes glaring at me hauntingly. But I didnt care what condition you were in now; I raced over towards you, wrapped the vines around your neck, and commenced my killing procedures.

Your looks werent going to stop me from killing you.

I could just burn out your eyes so you couldnt glare at me. You were stuck in the neck by the thorns, blood spilling out. I pulled the thorns tightly, the grip becoming stronger. Your neck burst into a heated pink tone, disabling you from breathing properly. I listened as you took your last words.

Why, Flygon? Why?

After those words, you simply died.

You lost your breath and failed to breathe successfully. I threw you on the grass, a taste of happiness dancing on my tongue. Then I realized the myth about Vinebush Forest was actually true; someone would always die. But in the end, you had it coming. I didnt care where we were; if the same events happened before, you would have been dead in the outcome. You should have thought about how I felt before abusing me, because it came back around. I quivered my wings with high alacrity as I took off into the sky, leaving your body to be drained from blood.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Humans can die, we can die. Pokmon want to be treated with respect, but you dont give us respect. You show us the world of hate, death, and violence. Why must we obey you when you treat us badly? We know that still being obedient will show how much we care for you. But you use us for personal reasons; for refinement, human-type respect, and popularity.

We are used for battling material only, not to show us our true power that we need to unlock from within. You treat us like we arent equals, but we are. Just like you, we want to be happy. We want to fulfill goals. We want to be respected. All we are asking is to be treated with respect.

To be loved by you.

To be friends with you.

But if you make us feel unwanted, this is what it costs. A pure fatality. And theres another thing in common between us; you humans and us Pokmon die the same way, dont we? You might as well call it a chained fatality.

That is definitely what it is.
__________________
~Aleyquala AKA Ry Nephthys~
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old February 15th, 2005, 10:21 PM
Geometric-sama's Avatar
Geometric-sama
The Manly Man of Steel
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Content: What an eye-catching title! I like the separation of background and main story - it's very effective, because you read through the first bit and wonder where the action is, and then you're hit by this cold narrative. I love the voice of the oppressed Flygon, too, and the way it doesn't seem to feel anything but coldness - you see why it feels that way, and its detached point of view is strangely revealing.

Language: I'm glad to hear you proofread it carefully. Since you wanted mistakes pointed out, I'll go through them one by one.

"The obedient matters flows through our body." ==> "The obedient matter flows through our body."

"But, there are consequences as the road to our predicted fate is ambled by us Pokmon." -- You shouldn't start a sentence with 'but' and if you do, you don't put a comma after it. You could try "However, there are consequences as the road to our predicted fate is ambled by us Pokmon."

"Our battles dont hit the opposing Pokmon." ==> "Our attacks dont hit the opposing Pokmon."

"What if we dont to?" ==> "What if we don't want to?"

"But, even if we evolve, you still reject us." -- Again the 'but' thing, but in this case the comma is correct because of the inserted clause.

"Pokmon are treated as though we dont qualify the levels of equality with humans." ==> Something like "Pokmon are treated as though we dont qualify to be at the level of equality with humans."

"you still consider us as different." ==> "you still consider us different."

"Pokmon want to qualify your levels" ==> Try something like "Pokmon want to reach your level(s)".

"But, what is your likely response?" -- I'll admit that 'but' may be generally accepted nowadays - though not correct - but scrap the comma.

"So, what do you do now?" -- The use of the comma in this case is debatable. I'd say don't use it, but you could if you really wanted to.

"We share many characteristics together and you know it." ==> "We share many characteristics and you know it."

"That is the defense of death." -- I don't know where you're from; if you're from America and speak American English, then I'll concede that you are correct because American English has many incorrect spellings taken as correct; however, if you're from the UK, Australia, etc, then this should be "defence" - "defence" is a noun while "defense" is the verb form (you wouldn't see it used as "defense", you'd use "defend", but in adjectives like "defensive").

"As I was released from my respective Pokball," ==> "As I was released from my Pokball," -- there's nothing "respective" about it since there's only one of you, and presumably only one Pokball that holds you.

"I am supposed to obey you anyways." ==> "I am supposed to obey you anyway." -- Anyways is slang. It's not actually a word.

"Just return inside of a Pokball, and youll be all better!" ==> "Just return into a Pokball, and youll be all better!"

"But like an intelligent human announced at one time" -- the 'but' thing, and 'like' should be 'as'.

"But, as usual, you brought " -- I think you're missing something here.

"But, it wasnt my responsibility to announce I was incapable of using that fire-type attack." -- 'But', comma. Ah, I won't pick out any 'but' bits past here, you'll find them.

"I couldnt learn Flamethrower useless specially taught to." ==> "I couldnt learn Flamethrower unless specially taught to."

"I would have been a disadvantage anyways," ==> "I would have been at a disadvantage anyway,"

"I dared not to attack you;" ==> "I dared not attack you;"

"Many people thought of Flygon as tough-skinned, in which we are." ==> "Many people thought of Flygon as tough-skinned, which we are."

"you glanced in surprised" -- Should this have been "you glanced up in surprise"?

"that were apart of the wild-growing vines" ==> "that were a part of the wild-growing vines"

"disabling you from breathing properly" -- This doesn't ring true, but I can't fix it without changing it completely (words etc).

"You lost your breath and failed to breathe successfully." -- Aren't these the same thing?

Also, be careful that you don't overuse 'then'. You don't need it most of the time.

Paragraph structure is nice, with the interleaving of one-liners and longer paragraphs.

Good fic; your plot is well thought out and once you fix those grammar mistakes it should be better. 8.5/10.
__________________


"One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
Albert Einstein

"What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
Benjamin Franklin

"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
Bertrand Russell

avatar and signature by FoxHound

ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Advertise here
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 05:49 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.