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  #1    
Old February 20th, 2005 (8:08 AM). Edited February 20th, 2005 by Ciera.
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Ciera Ciera is offline
This is a tragedy.
 
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We go on a trip,
In a magical world,
Where no one can find us.

Over the clouds
And under the ocean,
While never moving an inch.

We speak and play
In silence, my friends
And I.

We romp and play,
And never sleep,
Always drowning in our fun...

...Until I wake,
That is when they
Return to their

Cold gazes,
High upon my shelves.

I miss them already.

-Fin.
I believe


Oh, yes, I'm back. I was gone again, but here I am now.
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  #2    
Old February 20th, 2005 (8:27 AM).
Kelsey Kelsey is offline
~-*-~-*-~-*-~
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,912
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ciera
We go on a trip,
In a magical world,
Where no one can find us.

Over the clouds
And under the ocean,
While never moving an inch.

We speak and play
In silence, my friends
And I.

We romp and play,
And never sleep,
Always drowning in our fun...

...Until I wake,
That is when my
Return to their

Cold gazes,
High upon my shelves.

I miss them already.

-Fin.
Awwwwwwws, this is soo cute! <3<3 I love my stuffed animals, I used to play with them all the time. This poem is like a dream, where anything can happen and peace rains supreme. ^.^

Don't you hate it though, when you wake up from a really good dream? And all you want to do is fall asleep and continue that dream? ^_____^ I think this poem was so wonderful, I wuved it.

Now, on to words of advice. XD OK, the flow is all right until the last few stanzas:

...Until I wake,
That is when my
Return to their

Cold gazes,
High upon my shelves.

I miss them already.


The first line's fine, but in the second line, did you perhaps mean to say "That is when my eyes"? Them, the last few lines are kinda choppy. Maybe try this format:

...Until I wake,
That is when my eyes
Return to their cold gazes,
High upon my shelves.

I miss them already.


Other than that your poem ish wonderful! Keep up the great work! ^______^

~Kelsey
*)
..*) .*)
(. (.` ♥ Kelsey

Now officially moving to a new name, with Steve's OK, I shall now be known as Mori Seirei. ^.~
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  #3    
Old February 20th, 2005 (8:52 AM).
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Ciera Ciera is offline
This is a tragedy.
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
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I made a boo-boo ;

Instead of my, it's supposed to be 'they', where it doesn't make sence..

Anyway, thanks -huggles-
I believe


Oh, yes, I'm back. I was gone again, but here I am now.
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  #4    
Old February 20th, 2005 (9:03 AM).
Kelsey Kelsey is offline
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Ooh, I see. XD Well, that works out even better than what I thought it was. XD *huggles back*

~Kelsey
*)
..*) .*)
(. (.` ♥ Kelsey

Now officially moving to a new name, with Steve's OK, I shall now be known as Mori Seirei. ^.~
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  #5    
Old February 20th, 2005 (10:48 AM).
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Ciera Ciera is offline
This is a tragedy.
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Arizona
Age: 25
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Nature: Jolly
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I would hope so ; Anyway, I went through it again, and fixed the typos.
I believe


Oh, yes, I'm back. I was gone again, but here I am now.
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  #6    
Old February 20th, 2005 (11:08 AM).
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Dignity Dignity is offline
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Ooh! I like this poem. There is a certain type of innocence you don't usually find in poems. Good job! -;; ~origin
i love you. </3
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  #7    
Old February 20th, 2005 (3:18 PM).
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Ciera Ciera is offline
This is a tragedy.
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Arizona
Age: 25
Gender:
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 663
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lol, innocence? Thanks, I guess. Wait- I don't guess, so, thank you, ;
I believe


Oh, yes, I'm back. I was gone again, but here I am now.
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  #8    
Old February 20th, 2005 (4:10 PM).
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Dignity Dignity is offline
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No problemo!! xD;; If you want any advice on writing, you can PM me if you wish, Ciera! -; ~origin
i love you. </3
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