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  #1    
Old February 23rd, 2005 (02:55 PM). Edited February 24th, 2005 by Billybob.
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Carlito-san Carlito-san is offline
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My ~1st~ poem.


Why does it slip away?
All the misery, violence,and pain.
Only thing calming is the soothing rain.
I don't know what to do...
But kill myself, and leave you.
I want to die, but I can't.
Why does it slip away?
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  #2    
Old February 23rd, 2005 (04:49 PM).
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Kyosuke Kyosuke is offline
.·Simple Complexity
 
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For a first poem its really good, I like the way you used the "short and sweet" type approach of just having it simple while still giving off a feeling of satisfaction that it ended nicely. But still sadly that these feelings of despression and thought of suicide is occuring.

Just add spaces after the comma's and your "good to go" XD.
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  #3    
Old February 24th, 2005 (06:43 PM).
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Carlito-san Carlito-san is offline
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Thanks for the comments.;;
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  #4    
Old February 27th, 2005 (01:54 PM).
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Great poem but are you really wanting to kill yourself?
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  #5    
Old February 27th, 2005 (06:53 PM).
Kelsey Kelsey is offline
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Quote originally posted by Billybob:
My ~1st~ poem.


Why does it slip away?
All the misery, violence,and pain.
Only thing calming is the soothing rain.
I don't know what to do...
But kill myself, and leave you.
I want to die, but I can't.
Why does it slip away?
Awws, this poem was very good. The reverberating line "Why does it slip away?" Is like saying "why does my life seem to just...slip away?" You want to die, for your life is swirling down the drain, and you watch helplessly as your world falls apart.

Yes you cannot give up, and you won't give in; for something is holding you up. Something is keeping you afloat and you cannot help it but hold on tight and embrace the next stage of life. ^___^

Great job BillyBob! I lurved it, I hope you write more poems in the future!

~Kelsey
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