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  #1    
Old February 5th, 2014 (09:48 AM). Edited February 9th, 2014 by Cirrus.
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Rated [M] for [m]oronic no just kidding it's more like [T]

WARNING: It is likely that an excess of semi-obscure vernacular and sugariness lies ahead. Many apologies. This ... story? ... is episodic and basically slice.

This is something I finished about a year ago but haven't really shown to anyone except for two or three close friends - not that I didn't want to, but I hadn't thought of a platform at the time. Now that I'm a year older, I'd like some much needed C&C (finally); plus this is an excuse to edit my work (and possibly rewrite/add a chunk or two, so later chunks will take a bit longer).

Comprehension of some details might require a short explanatory background paragraph, which I'll post at the end of it all. THIS IS PRETTY BIG: point out leaps of logic in the actual story and I will definitely edit, it is one of my biggest faults.

Anyway with all the informational stuff out of the way, fun times. Yay! Alright let's get going.




moments in time.



01. Fabulae


Breathe deeply, and open the door
In this storybook, a new chapter begins

The first clear memory Raelynn has of her father is when she is five years old, though she now only has a dim recollection of that important event. She remembers opening the doors to the librarium and finding inside someone whom she had never seen before. When she asks him what his name is, she receives only a single word in response: "Kyprien".

Being the young child that she is, she accepts this in a matter-of-fact way, not questioning where he has come from or why a stranger happens to be in her home at all. The man winks at her conspiratorially when she asks, innocently, whether he might read her a book, the former's lips creasing into a half-smile. She stares at him expectantly, wide-eyed, and stays like that for a few seconds before he finally waves a hand, causing a leather-bound tome to rise out from the wall, a cloud of dust following in its wake. Surprised by the suddenness of the gesture, Raelynn inhales a lungful of the dusty air, and sneezes twice in rapid succession; slightly miffed, she sniffs delicately, and looks with some curiosity at both the man and the book.

"… I’ve never seen that book before."

"Haven’t you, now?"

Kyprien’s smile widens a little. With another motion of his hands, a silver tea set appears on the table next to them, and he reaches towards the handle of the teapot before hesitating.

"How would you like to take your tea, Raelynn? Er, not that it has to be tea, of course."

His expression is at once pleased and awkward; he has no idea how to handle children – or, if he once knew, he has entirely forgotten. On a whim, he reaches out to pat her head in a friendly (though very careful) manner. He hopes, by now, that she has recalled his identity; he has not been a very good parent in the last few years.

She laughs; the sound is pure and ethereal, filled with a felicity and purity that children alone possess.

"Good afternoon, father."

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~あさきゆめみし君と~




さくらの色 いとしさの花 あさきゆめみし君と
そっとそっと口づけをして 涙あふれてく


pair · in tempore momenti · personal vloid playlist
d.c. ii art assets belong to circus. text: tororo.
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  #2    
Old February 6th, 2014 (10:08 AM). Edited February 9th, 2014 by Cirrus.
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Cirrus Cirrus is offline
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Alright time for the second installment. Yes, they get longer (quite a bit so, in fact - the first two are the shortest, regrettably).



02. Cantus


By the enchantment of thy strain
I embrace this never-ending melody

"Please try to pay more attention, Raelynn. Just because you close your eyes doesn't mean I can't see you, you know."

The seven-year-old girl to whom the statement is addressed sighs, and looks up at her instructor with ponderous eyes.

"I don’t like playing music."

Cecily Cresson smiles softly in response, tilting her head to the side to consider the complaint for a moment. She decides, after a few seconds, to avoid it altogether.

"Don’t you think that the world would be a much drearier place without music?"

"Well, yeah, I suppose …" Raelynn frowns a little, and pouts. "Practicing is boring, though; there are so many positions and notes I have to remember! And I’m tired, 'kay?" I’d rather do something else, as well, she thinks to herself, but does not voice it aloud.

"Mm; that’s not a bad reason, I guess." Cecily smiles beatifically, as if she knows exactly what the girl's thoughts are at the moment. "Why don’t you take a break, then?" Without waiting for a reply, she reaches out a hand into the air in front of her, as if grasping at something; a few seconds later, a darkly-varnished violin materializes, and she examines its profile carefully before nodding in satisfaction and placing it under her chin.

An indescribably brilliant cascade of notes flows from the instrument as Cecily begins to perform; the music is almost magical in a way, invoking images of light and warmth. As the harmony shifts, the very essence of the world seems to stir and change.

The piece ends, and Cecily lightly caresses her daughter’s head.

"Do you understand, Raelynn? This is the gift that I want to give you."

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~あさきゆめみし君と~




さくらの色 いとしさの花 あさきゆめみし君と
そっとそっと口づけをして 涙あふれてく


pair · in tempore momenti · personal vloid playlist
d.c. ii art assets belong to circus. text: tororo.
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  #3    
Old February 9th, 2014 (04:32 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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Nicely written beginning scenes there imo. I enjoyed them as short as they were, and there was some good description there of the characters and in particular the magical events. It is a bit hard to see where this story may go so early on given the shortness of the scenes, but it's promising. Interesting that she hadn't seen her father much (who seemed to have an unusual name imo), on top of him and her mother having magical powers too.

There are a couple small changes I'll suggest:
Quote:
The first clear memory Raelynn has with her father is when she is five years
old, though she now only has a dim recollection of that important event.
I I think 'has of her father' works better.
Quote:
She decides, after a few seconds, to avoid it answering it directly.
That first 'it' seems unnecessary.
Quote:
The piece ends, and Cecily caresses her now-captive daughter’s head a second
time.
I don't believe she had petted it before in the scene, the only person to do that thus far was the father. 'now-captive' also sounded odd in part of that - is it that she's holding it, or just entranced by the music? Could be interpreted as the person or her head being captive after all.

Do post more, it's a nice story thus far. =)
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  #4    
Old February 9th, 2014 (02:45 PM). Edited February 9th, 2014 by Cirrus.
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Cirrus Cirrus is offline
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ALL THOSE ARE EDITING MISTAKES many thanks for finding them ;_; (first was from a previous edition, second one was from incomplete revision - wanted to replace it because it felt just a bit more clunky than necessary, aaaand third mistake was because I cut the previous action but then didn't pay enough attention)

brb fix'd

Let me think about how to revise "now-captive" actually - I had something that definitely felt worse there previously, so it's a new phrase, but evidently I didn't put enough thought into it, thanks for the hit (edit: CUT). Re: further tings, I have more, but maybe I should consider adding something new ... dunno. Anyway, third installation inc.
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~あさきゆめみし君と~




さくらの色 いとしさの花 あさきゆめみし君と
そっとそっと口づけをして 涙あふれてく


pair · in tempore momenti · personal vloid playlist
d.c. ii art assets belong to circus. text: tororo.
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