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  #1    
Old March 5th, 2005, 03:05 PM
Ms. Eevee's Avatar
Ms. Eevee
The Ultimate Eevee Lover!
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In the magical land where all Eevee dwell...
Age: 20
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This is my first fic, (edited!) so please go easy on it.

Chapter 1: A Family Lost

It was a beautiful day. A young, yellow mouse with red cheeks was running through the forest that served as it's home for the past year. He enjoyed running as much as he enjoyed life. To bad his brother wasn't there to enjoy it with him.

A few months ago, this yellow mouse's brother was kidnapped by what his mother called a "human." She explained that once a human kidnapped him, there wasn't a chance that he would come back. Pikachu had a hard time getting over the incident.

As Pikachu was running, he heard his mother's familiar call. He stopped abruptly. It wasn't a call for him to come home, it was a call of distress. He turned around and started running as fast as he could possibly run.

While running through the wildflowers, two thoughts went through Pikachu's mind. One, his mother was getting caught by a "human." Two, she was being attacked by the forest's strongest Pokemon, a Butterfree that had been released by a human. He just hoped that it wasn't his first thought that was occuring.

He heard the cry again. He ran faster. He ran right past his mother. When he spun around, he saw her turn red and then disappear, the same way his brother disappeared. It was at that moment he realized that he had no one left. No family to return to after a day of running. Everyone was gone. It was then that he learned to hate humans. They had wiped out his family, and now he was determined to do all he could to wipe them out.

When he looked up at where the red light was coming from, he saw a terrible looking creature with two legs that he supposed was the human. It was holding a ball that was red and white, and Pikachu stared at it like it was the human itself. "That must be the Pokeball that Mother told me about," he thought. "So Mother must be inside!" He knew that if he could get that ball out of the human's hand, then he could release his mother from the red and white prison. So he attacked.

"Whoah, another one!" the human said. "Geez, I thought Viridian Forest was a place to find tons of bug Pokemon, but I've seen at least 20 Pikachu in here so far! Better catch it for Prof. Oak..." It started to pull another Pokeball of its belt, but Pikachu was to quick for it. He ran forward and jumped, aiming to bite the thing's hand. "Ah! Forget you, you little creep! I'm out of here!" it turned and ran before Pikachu was a foot of the ground. He landed, heaving. "I swear," he said aloud, "that I will take my revenge on all humans, young or old, male or female, big or..."
"Ah, shut up already!" a Caterpie in a nearby tree shouted at him. "I'm tryin' to sleep!" Pikachu merely shook his head and ran off toward his home.

The Viridian Forest was a colorful place to live. There were many different types of flowers, all of which were beautiful in Pikachu's eyes. Although there were many crabby bug Pokemon such as Caterpie or Weedle, there were just as many Pikachu. And as Pikachu entered the main nesting ground, he was stopped by his best friend.
"Hey, uh, I heard about your Mom, and my Dad said..."
"Yeah, stuff spreads fast around here, doesn't it?"
"Listen, I know your upset, but my Dad said you can come stay with us until you get over it!" he said the last part quickly, so as not to be intterupted again.
"Really..." Pikachu sighed. "If you don't mind, I'm going to go make a new nest outside of the grounds, ok? Tell your dad I said hi," then he ran off.

He passed one of his other friends, and she was being beat up by the "all powerful" Butterfree. But he didn't care. He just wanted to get away from everything. Everyone. He didn't want them to see him cry.




Thanx for reading! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter!
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Ms.Eevee

My team:
Snowflake lvl.64
Snowball lvl.73
Static lvl.65
Fireball lvl.78
Zelda lvl. 70
Hydro lvl. 75

Last edited by Ms. Eevee; March 5th, 2005 at 06:44 PM.
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  #2    
Old March 5th, 2005, 03:20 PM
lilbluecorsola's Avatar
lilbluecorsola
~Sea Priestess~
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
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Age: 22
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Not a bad start. =)

A few mistakes I spotted, such as the word "Too" and "Its", but grammar and spelling were pretty much okay. Format is good too. You know how to seperate paragraphs.

Description and length are another story though. While you did give us some images, such as setting, background, thoughts, it was really on the short side. A little more detail please. Describe the forest Pikachu lives in. Tell us more about how the mother disappeared. I'd like to know what Pikachu did after that. Surely it must have either attacked the human or run away?

For a full chapter too, it was pretty short. Like I said, some more detail and description could really spice up this fic.

But this seems like a really good idea and it's going fairly well so far. Just work a bit harder on the next chapter. =) I'm eager to find out what happens next. I've never thought about what Pikachu's life was like before it was captured... o.o
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  #3    
Old March 5th, 2005, 03:44 PM
Fiver's Avatar
Fiver
Mar 2005 - Apr 2012. Resigned.
 
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Gender: Male
yeah me too, I also can't wait to hear what happens next
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  #4    
Old March 5th, 2005, 05:19 PM
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Not bad Ms. Eevee, not bad at all. It did lack in description like lilblue said so work on detailing things like the forest. Different adjectives like tawny or crimson instead of yellow and red would be a nice change as well. Of course, some description like "turn red and disappear" is fine since it's pretty much going through Pikachu's point of view and how he wouldn't know what exactly a Pokball's capture beam really is.

How Pikachu's mother was captured wasn't detailed either. Did she just get captured like that? Did she have to battle? In fact, you didn't even say that she was battling. For all we know, that "turn red and disappear" part could of been an UFO sucking her up.

Rather choppy too. Some sentences could of been combined like:
Quote:
He heard the cry again. He ran faster. He almost ran right past his mother.
Those three sentences could of been one longer one like:

He heard the cry again, immediately running faster, almost running right past his mother.

Eh, something like that.

Btw, he HAD to run past her if he had to spin around to face her again. Not almost.

A nice way to explain why Ash's Pikachu hated him so much at first and pretty good on background information as well. Could of been a tad more detailed (like randomly throwing in that Pikachu had a father and sister) on it of course but we get the drift on how Pikachu first hated humans.

LaTeR dAyZ!
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  #5    
Old March 5th, 2005, 06:03 PM
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Ms. Eevee
The Ultimate Eevee Lover!
 
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Location: In the magical land where all Eevee dwell...
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Thanx, I just had like 10 minutes to type, so I couldn't think much. I'll fix it up, and make it longer.
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  #6    
Old March 5th, 2005, 08:13 PM
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Ms. Eevee
The Ultimate Eevee Lover!
 
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Location: In the magical land where all Eevee dwell...
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It was late at night, and Pikachu lay in his new nest, sobbing silently. He was still getting over the fact that he had no one left. A tear dribbled down his face, adding to the dampness of the leaf beneath his head. He sat up, then shook it, just to get the salty smelling tears out of his fur. Then he looked around.

He had never been in a nest without a roof over it, such as a branch that was bent over from a tree.The darkness of the night was amusing to him. He decided that it was best for him to get up and take a moonlight stroll, to both take his mind off of his mother, and to dry his leaf-pillow.

His first thoughts of the world at night were beautiful and amazing. The moonlight that shone on the flowers that were usually so bright and mellow made them seem like they were glowing with a aura that came from the heavens. In his opinion, the earth was prettier at night. He decided to come out every night and stroll as he was now.

There was a rock upon a small ledge, which stood about 10 feet above a small valley. Pikachu climbed up, and stood upon it, with his nose twitching as he looked out upon the small valley. He smelled a new smell, that he had never smelled before. When he looked directly below him, he saw a small ball of fire. "I guess that's where the sun goes at night," he thought. He decided to climb down and investigate, just to brag about seeing the sun up close to his friends.

And that's when he saw them. Humans. Somehow, they had taken the sun out of the sky, and were apparently using it for warmth. "Well," he thought, "just goes to show that humans are the most evil thing to walk in this forest! But then again, I like the darkness time..." But he had let his guard down for too long. Already, there was a human with green skin on his front legs and blue on his back was heading towards him, Pokeball in hand.

"Hey, look, Gina! There's a Pikachu! Weren't you looking for one? Get over here before it runs away!" The human was too late though, for Pikachu was already gone. By the time the human was finished with his sentence, Pikachu was already up by the rock he was standing on earlier. "Okay, maybe I shouldn't take strolls during the darkness time..." he said aloud. "Humans are everywhere!"

When he got back to his nest, it looked occupied. When he got up closer, he could smell that is was occupied, and by a Pokemon that he didn't fell like coping with.

"Hey, watcha lookin' at, kid?" the Butterfree asked him.
"Um, you're kind of in my nest," Pikachu replied. He was ready to fight if he needed to.
"Oh, you mean that this completely empty nest was yours? Well, tough luck. It's mine now! So scram!" Butterfree was getting irritated.
"N-no. You s-s-scram!" Pikachu stammered. Butterfree rose from Pikachu's nest.
"What did you say?" he asked.
"You heard me! Scram!" Pikachu said, a little more confidence in his voice now.
"Hey, you're tough kid. I'll let ya go this time, just because I've never had any problems with you before. But next time, I won't hold back. I'll beat you to a pulp, got it?" Butterfree flew away into a nearby tree, and Pikachu didn't have any more trouble with him the rest of that night.
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My team:
Snowflake lvl.64
Snowball lvl.73
Static lvl.65
Fireball lvl.78
Zelda lvl. 70
Hydro lvl. 75

Last edited by Ms. Eevee; March 7th, 2005 at 03:34 PM.
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  #7    
Old March 5th, 2005, 08:47 PM
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Much better on description Ms. Eevee! The sentences weren't as choppy as before (though, some still could of been combined) but now, you've got to work on sentence type.

Not a big deal, sentence type; it just varies it around a bit. You do have a few different types of sentences and some sentences HAD to be started with "he" in order for it to have impact but, IMO, reading the same type of sentence over and over gets rather boring and causes the reader to lose interest sometimes. Not most cases for readers to lose interest but still, some just snap out of it.

Interesting bit of foreshadow (actually, prolly more of a cliffhanger) at the end though. I wonder what the small ball of fire is though . . . It's not the sun really right?

LaTeR dAyZ!
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  #8    
Old March 6th, 2005, 07:16 AM
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lilbluecorsola
~Sea Priestess~
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Under the Sea
Age: 22
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Like Breezy said, much better description. You gave us clearer images. I could picture Pikachu's location, actions, and his intent much better. (You even included smells too!)

It was still short, but you said you were tired, so that's okay.

One mistake though:

Quote:
Pikachu laid in his new nest
The word 'laid' is the past form of 'lay', which means 'to put something down'. I think you want to use the word 'lay', which is also the past form of the word 'lie', which means 'to lie down'. x.X I think. It's confusing, I know. (Yay for my ELA teacher giving us a lesson and 'lay' and 'lie'.)

Other than that, a good chapter. =)
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  #9    
Old March 7th, 2005, 03:02 PM
Ms. Eevee's Avatar
Ms. Eevee
The Ultimate Eevee Lover!
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In the magical land where all Eevee dwell...
Age: 20
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Ok, first of all, Breezy, the small ball of fire isn't the sun, it's a campfire. This is going to be his next encounter with humans. And, lilbluecorsola, like I said, I was tired and wasn't thinking straight. You know, I know the past and present tense of lay. Its not that hard. Well, anyway, I'm going to continue with chapter 2.
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My team:
Snowflake lvl.64
Snowball lvl.73
Static lvl.65
Fireball lvl.78
Zelda lvl. 70
Hydro lvl. 75
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  #10    
Old March 7th, 2005, 06:59 PM
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Breezy
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Hence why I said "an interesting bit of foreshadow" which you just uncovered in that last post lol. But you can't be too careful with writers these days; they're just filled with interesting ideas.
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Last edited by Breezy; March 8th, 2005 at 07:28 PM.
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  #11    
Old March 8th, 2005, 04:07 PM
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lilbluecorsola
~Sea Priestess~
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Eevee
Ok, first of all, Breezy, the small ball of fire isn't the sun, it's a campfire. This is going to be his next encounter with humans. And, lilbluecorsola, like I said, I was tired and wasn't thinking straight. You know, I know the past and present tense of lay. Its not that hard. Well, anyway, I'm going to continue with chapter 2.
x.X Good for you then. 'Cause I don't. XD

Can't wait for the next chappie. =D
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  #12    
Old March 23rd, 2005, 02:47 PM
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Ms. Eevee
The Ultimate Eevee Lover!
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In the magical land where all Eevee dwell...
Age: 20
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Chapter 3: A Loving Yet Irksome Friend


When Pikachu woke up the next day, he saw two huge red eyes looking down upon him. He leaped up, his chest heaving. The creature that had the red eyes was ebony and tawny.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just... well..." it stammered.
"What? You just what? What exactly were you up too?" Pikachu said, his eyes narrowed.
"Well, you were kind of.... you know.... cute-looking. I thought... never mind. My family calls me Bebe. What's your name?"
"I don't have one. What are you? You don't look familiar to me. I've never seen a..."
"I'm a Beedrill," Bebe interrupted. "Or, at least, that's what the two legs call us."
"Two legs? Do you mean humans?" Pikachu got anxious, even though this strange new creature was looking at him like he was crazy.
"I... uh, I guess you could call them that. So, you want to meet my family? Or can you take me to meet yours?" Bebe fluttered up to him with a happy look in her eyes.
"Oh, no. I can't take you to see my parents. And I'm not so sure that I'd like to see your parents, either. I'm looking for..."
"I see. Well, can I help you find whatever you are looking for? Is it shiny? What color is it? I like shiny things, don't you? I found a shiny golden... Hey? Where'd you go?" By the time she had noticed he was gone, Pikachu was already halfway up the tree that Butterfree had flew up the previous night.

Yes, I know, that was a very short chapter. But there's not that much to say, I just had to say that he had made a very irksome friend. And you can tell that he absolutely loves her, can't you? :p
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My team:
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Snowball lvl.73
Static lvl.65
Fireball lvl.78
Zelda lvl. 70
Hydro lvl. 75
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  #13    
Old March 23rd, 2005, 04:31 PM
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Hello my name is Red
 
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Location: Hehehe if i only know that...
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Hey not bad! ow my eyes! i have reading too much and now my eyes hurts but anyway way to go!
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Old March 24th, 2005, 01:22 PM
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Ms. Eevee
The Ultimate Eevee Lover!
 
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Chapter 4: Butterfree No More


Pikachu was staring down at Bebe, the very irritating creature that he had just made friends with. Or so he thought. Bebe seemed friendly, yet....

Suddenly, a loud shriek came from below. Pikachu looked down and saw another Pokemon tackling Bebe. She shrieked again. "I have to save her!" Pikachu thought.

As he hopped down the tree, he saw that the other Pokemon that was attacking his so called friend was Butterfree. He suddenly became angry, yet for what reason Pikachu had no clue. He used his thundershock on it.

"OW! Who was that!? Oh, you again, huh!? Didn't I tell you last night to stay away from me!? HUH!?" Butterfree turned and started attacking Pikachu. But, fortunatly, Pikachu was way too fast for him. Every tackle he threw at him was dodged with ease.

"Hah! You think you're so strong and cool? You're so weak and slow that you can't even hit me! Pathetic!" Pikachu taunted. But this was the wrong thing to do. At that moment, Butterfree became so angry, he tackled a small tree instead of aiming for Pikachu. There was a loud crack, and tree fell upon Pikachu. Just as Pikachu wa about to faint from both pain and lack of air, he saw a tawny and ebony blur floating above him.



"Yellow mouse? Yellow mouse? Please wake up, yellow mouse..." Pikachu's nose twitched.
"Yes! You're alive!" he could hear the voice more clearly now. He opened one of his eyes a little. All he could see were those big ruby colered eyes, right above him. He opened both his eyes and sat up, blinking. His nose twitched again.
"Um, hello, little yellow mouse? Do you remember me? Bebe? Bebe the Beedrill?" the worried Beedrill asked.
"Yes. I remember you. But...? Where is Butterfree? Did he show you mercy?" Pikachu stood up now, but then fell back down upon the ground, his legs too weak to let him stand.
"W-well, no. I...erm... I killed him..." Bebe bursted into tears. "I didn't mean to! Our fight just carried over by the Big Rock until we got to the front of it, where Buttercup Pond is, and he fell into the water! He drowned! Oh, yellow mouse! Every Butterfree in the forest is going to come after me! You have to help! Please!" Bebe's sobbing had grown so loud that Pikachu had to stuff leaves in his ears. Pikachu put a reassuring hand on the giant bee's shoulder. Then a whack to the head knocked the leaves out of his ears.

"Will you listen to me?" Bebe sobbed. "I have to get away from here! Soon, the two legs or humans, whatever they are, will find Butterfree in the water and come after me, too! Come with me, away from Viridian Forest! We'll go somewhere else!" Bebe hugged the small yellow mouse and his already red cheeks turned even redder.

"Err.... Bebe? I don't know what to say...."
"Oh, please! Come with me!"
"I.... I.... I can't. I won't. I have to look for..."
"Oh, you.... I can't even say it! You care more about that shiny thing that you were looking for more than me! The person that killed to save your hide! Forget it! I'm gonna.... I'm gonna..." Bebe advanced upon Pikachu with a wild look in her ruby eyes. Pikachu got scared and used thundershock to protect himself.

The giant bee turned all yellow, except for her eyes. Those big, round eyes. The eyes that Pikachu would never forget, no matter how hard he tried.

"Long live Bebe the Beedrill..." Pikachu thought as his previous friend fell lifelessly to the ground.



That's the end of chapter 4. Hope you enjoyed it!
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Ms.Eevee

My team:
Snowflake lvl.64
Snowball lvl.73
Static lvl.65
Fireball lvl.78
Zelda lvl. 70
Hydro lvl. 75

Last edited by Ms. Eevee; March 24th, 2005 at 06:02 PM.
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  #15    
Old March 26th, 2005, 03:28 PM
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Dude, that was a bit creepy there. I hope that isn't what Pikachu's background really is... Great story though. Keep it up.
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  #16    
Old March 27th, 2005, 11:39 AM
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Gohan
Elite Four
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Wyoming.
Age: 23
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Yeag like SBaby said that got a little creepy.pikachu killing a "friend"?doesn't seem like his style.
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  #17    
Old March 28th, 2005, 08:57 AM
Ms. Eevee's Avatar
Ms. Eevee
The Ultimate Eevee Lover!
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In the magical land where all Eevee dwell...
Age: 20
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Don't think Bebe is dead, because she's not. Pikachu was defending himself, OK? Because she fell to the ground like that, it doesn't mean she's dead. She fainted! He just thinks she's dead.
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My team:
Snowflake lvl.64
Snowball lvl.73
Static lvl.65
Fireball lvl.78
Zelda lvl. 70
Hydro lvl. 75
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  #18    
Old March 29th, 2005, 03:06 PM
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Location: Wyoming.
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Nature: Docile
Gah!no more cliff-hangys!gotta stop revealing those.
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  #19    
Old March 29th, 2005, 07:02 PM
Ms. Eevee's Avatar
Ms. Eevee
The Ultimate Eevee Lover!
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In the magical land where all Eevee dwell...
Age: 20
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What!? Who said....? Oh, do you think she'll come back? I see. She may, she may not. We'll see.
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My team:
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Snowball lvl.73
Static lvl.65
Fireball lvl.78
Zelda lvl. 70
Hydro lvl. 75
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