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  #1    
Old April 9th, 2014, 04:45 AM
zekrommaster233's Avatar
zekrommaster233
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Gender: Male
Chapter 1: Ninja

I was heading for the Pokemon Peace Keepers. Today was an urgent meeting. I knew it would start soon, so I rushed. On the path, I started to see the huge building. It was made of 3 stories. Different kinds of pokemon guarded the important rooms. I bump into Charmeleon, the guard.

"Password?" He roared in my face.

"Greninja twenty-three", I say. He let me in, starring. As I was walking, I hear him terrorize another agent from the PPK.

When I got in, the leader, a very kind Charizard, looked worried. I noticed that Dusk, a very strong but nice Umbreon, wasn't there. Charizard started anyway.
"Giratina, the leader of Shadowclan, has something to show to the Shadowclan. He has invited us to come, but that would be trouble. So I "declined" the invite, but we must see what's happening. We have to sneak in, dressed as Shadowclan, and see what they're up to."

It was around night when the meeting ended. When I got home, I was wondering what happened to Dusk. I went into my cave, and tried to sleep. I couldn't with while thinking of Dusk and the rally tomorrow.
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Last edited by zekrommaster233; April 10th, 2014 at 04:45 AM. Reason: Before was too short
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  #2    
Old April 9th, 2014, 11:44 AM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Okay, I'm going to have to ask you to work on this chapter before I can let you continue with the rest of the story. This is much too short.

What this story lacks right now is description. You're just telling us what happens, and that's really cutting down the story. Description is important because it's the meat of the story. A reader can't really get into a story without it.

Quote:
The guard stopped me, like usual. I told him GENENINJA23, and he let me in.The Charmeleon was a feisty one.
I don't really like how this is worded. There's a lot going on here, and I feel like you're just skimping over it. This is where description comes in. Describe the scene to the reader, make them feel as if they're there. Since I learn best with examples, I'll try my best to provide one. If we add description, the section I just quoted can look something like this:
Quote:
Finally, I see a building up ahead. It's a fairly large building, a couple stories tall with a huge chamber in the center. There's other rooms throughout, but we never really go in those. Those rooms are meant for the various officers for our organization. As I approach the front door, a Charmeleon steps in front of me, blocking my path.

"Password?" He barks out.

I sigh, "Geneninja twenty-three."

The Charmeleon steps aside and glares at me as I walk past. It was probably the fact that I just tried to barrel right past him. I risk taking a look behind me. Yup, still staring. I can feel his steely gaze locked on the back of my head as I make my way into the main chamber.
I'm not the best at description, but hopefully that helped. It's all about setting the scene and inviting the reader to come in. This is just too short for me, so I'm going to ask you to work on this chapter some more. I want to see some description, and more length to the chapter. Good luck, and if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.
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