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  #1    
Old May 30th, 2005, 11:32 AM
*Lyn*'s Avatar
*Lyn*
Fuzzy Plushie of doom
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Age: 22
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Before I start my Fanfic, I want to say, I've returned. Hopefully for a while, now. My first fanfic, 'Lost Flame', will not be continued unless people actually want it to be finished. If you never read it, you can read it here.

Since I left, all that happened was I turned 13. Big wow.

Well, here's my Fanfic, 'Mew's Aura'. I hope you like it!!

---

Chapter One-Friends?

The summer air from outside drifted into my bedroom window. It disturbed me from my writing. I had been writing about Pokemon for a report, but I got up and looked outside instead. It was only noon, but I couldn't see anyone outside playing. Usually Kenny and Julice, my nieghbors would be outside playing tag. But they moved last week. I missed them. Since I was 11, I had babysat them. But now, they were gone.

"Lyn, come down here!" Called my mother from downstairs. I hurried down, where she was chatting with another woman her age, maybe a little older.

"Yeah, mom?" I asked, looking at the lady. She had long wavy blonde hair with small glasses fitted on her head. She was grinning at me now. "Er, not being rude, but who are you?"

The woman shook my hand. "I'm Allison Lagota, I just moved next door with my son, Matt."

"Really? Cool. Is he there now?"

"No, sorry. He went to talk to what's his name..."

"Professor Birch," my mom said, cutting in, "Mrs. Lagota told me that her boy was starting a journey. And he's your age, Lyn! Isn't that great?!"

I nodded. "You know, I take classes from Professor Birch, one-on-one, since I was little. I was planning on getting a Pokemon soon. Maybe I'll stop over there now..."

"Just be home by 9," Mom said. She's always given me a lame curfew time. When I was 12, I had to come in at 7! Thank God I sat her down and told her this was losery. Of course, she had to correct me and say losery wasn't a word. But she agreed.

I ran upstairs to my room. It was a typical teenage room-not. It was filled with books on Pokemon and posters of them, type charts, and games. I was a total freak at middle school. But I left last week, in preperation of my journey. No one made fun of me then, knowing I was going to have strong Pokemon one day. Though it was the Pokemon World, most people really didn't have a huge impact by Pokemon. My computer was on Professor Birch's website, with an E-Mail from him opened. I took my report that was close to done and quickly scribbled a conclusion sentence for it and brought it downstairs.

"Bye, Mom, Mrs. Lagota. See you later!" Outside, I stopped to look around Littleroot Town. The town had several smaller houses, and a few big ones. Mine was normal. Kinda small, since it was just my mom and me. Professor's lab was down the street.

"Hello, Lyn? Going to the lab?" Asked Miss Ladime, someone who lived a few houses down.

I nodded. "I think I'm ready for my first Pokemon," I told her cheerfully.

"Really? Good!" Mostly everyone knew I have been learning about Pokemon since I was 6. Most were dissappointed I declined to start when I was ten. I was still interested in learning more.

At last, I arrived at the huge lab and walked in. An older man, about 30 or so was talking to someone my age. Instantly, I reliezed it must be Matt Lagota.

"Hey, Professor. Got my report done!" I said quickly, walking up to him and the boy.

Professor Birch turned to me. "Ah, yes. Hello, Lyn. I'm glad your done. I can't wait to read this one. I was just talking to Matt. Have you met yet?"

"No, just heard," I replied. I looked at Matt. He had black hair, unlike his mother, and it was spiked up. I figured the color was from his father. He had small grey eyes. He seemed okay-maybe a friend I could make. "Well, I'm Lyn."

"My name's Matt," he said. "So, are you getting a Pokemon, too?"

"I was planning on it." I responded, nodding my head. Maybe we could travel together!

Mr. Birch said just that. "Really? At last, Lyn! Perhaps you both can travel as a team!"

"That sounds cool!" I agreed, "I mean, if you wanna, Matt."

He shrugged. "That's okay with me," Matt turned to Professor Birch. "So, can we get our Pokemon now?"

"Of course! Come right over here!" Excitedly, Professor Birch led us over to a table with Pokeballs, which I knew held Pokemon. "Go ahead, and choose one!"

I scanned the balls, too overjoyed to speak. Today was the day I got my very own Pokemon! Not one of my older brothers, Dustin and Drake, who were both two years older than me. At last, the one at the end of the table seemed to be the one.

"This one..." I began. Picking up the PokeBall, I studied it. A normal red-and-white Pokeball.

Matt chose the center Pokeball. "I bet this one is the best!"

"Only one way to find out," Professor Birch said. "Take a look!"

Both of us threw the Pokeballs, and two Pokemon burst out of a red light. The one from my PokeBall was a blue strange-looking thing. It had unusual orange spikey things on its cheeks and cute little eyes on its face.

"Mud!" It chirped in a male-sounding voice.

Another Pokemon came from Matt's ball. It was green, like a gecko. It had large orange eyes and a dark green tail. It jumped up and down.

"Tree-ko!"

"Ahh...Lyn, that's a Mudkip." Mr. Birch pointed to my new Pokemon. "And Matt, you have a Treeko, there...would you guys like to switch before I register your Pokemon?"

We shook our heads. I liked Mudkip! "No way!" I told him.

"Very well. Congratulations, you two!" Professor Birch hurried to his computer and typed in something quickly. Suddenly, the computer clicked twice, and two papers printed. He then handed them to us. It had a picture of us. That must have been the clicking. Good thing we were both smiling from the joy of having our first Pokemon!

"What is this?" Asked Matt.

"That is your trainer card. Lamination, that is. You put your badges there, see, you put them here-" Professor Birch took my card and pointed to eight squares on the paper, below our pictures. "It also shows your starter and ID number."

"Very nifty!" I smiled. "Thank you so much, Professor Birch! For everything!" He was smiling as well.

Matt nodded. "Alright. We should go to our family before we leave."

As Matt and I left to go home, Professor Birch stopped me. "Lyn, can I have a word for just a second?"

"Um...sure...I'll met you later, kay, Matt?" I walked back over to the Professor.

"Lyn, I remember the day you came here. You were just born. Your mother and father were so happy. They had lived here since they were married, way back when Drake and Dustin were born. When you were just two, you walked in here after getting lost. You learned to talk in this very place. I told you this was a Pokemon lab, and you said it, 'pokemon'.

"You grew, and knew nothing about Pokemon. Your brothers began teaching you about them when they were seven, you were only five. You'd watch battles together in the forest, and on TV. I always knew you'd come right back here, and you did, the next year. You learned a lot here. You grew up here. Everything happened in this lab.

"At last, today, you came here for your first Pokemon. I'm glad you did. You'll make everyone proud. I know it. And I want to give you some advice. I've heard some rumors about a Pokemon known as Mew. It's a playful Pokemon, but you have to watch out as well, okay? It's on TV a lot. If I hear anything else about Mew, I will let you and Matt know as soon as I can."

I stared. I never thought about all that's happened. "T-thanks," I stammered. "I'll come back as much as possible. See you later, Professor."

And with that said, I left the lab, where my whole life had become one. I was a Pokemon trainer! I looked back and smiled. This was my first step in making history.

---

I hope that you all liked chapter one! I'd love to hear constructive critism, what you think, rate, all that fun stuff.

Thanks a lot!!

TTY, Lyn

Edited to fix grammer, spelling, ect. If you notice anything I might have skipped, let me know!
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Last edited by *Lyn*; May 30th, 2005 at 06:00 PM.
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  #2    
Old May 30th, 2005, 04:53 PM
Breezy's Avatar
Breezy
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Is there a Treeland? If so, there.
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Ever heard about that stupid "I before E except after C except in words like neighbor and weigh?"

Yeah. Remember that.
Quote:
Usually Kenny and Julice, my nieghbors would be outside playing tag. But they moved last week. I'd miss them. Since I was 11, I had babysat them. But now, 2 years later...they were gone.
Yeah, neighbors. I'm confused at this part actually. They moved last week but then you said they were gone two years later? Do you mean that Lyn has babysat them two years before or what?

I'm dumb, I know. :D

Thirteen year olds is when people hook up huh? How does Lyn know that Matt is around that age as well? She be a psychic. OMG! =O She also sounds like she follows the crowd too when she said that thirteen was usually when girls hooked up with the guy. Bad trait hehe.

Special paper lol? We call it lamination. Not that it matters or anything of course.


Lyn can just go and get a Pokmon like that? Even if she does teach under Professor Birch and she's twelve, doesn't she need some type of liscense or proof of purchase or something? Or an appointment at least? I did like that random "losery" bit though lol.

If Lyn is in the Pokmon world, I wouldn't find her necessarily freakish if she had Pokmon on her shelves. And nice speech that Professor Birch gave lol.

Watch out for spelling mistakes though like "realized" and "congratulations." You also wrote awfully choppy sentences as well where some could of been combined and yada yada yada ya. Primer language be bad if you don't intend to write in that style. =3

And yes, I do like to put in random smileys.

LaTeR dAyZ!
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  #3    
Old May 30th, 2005, 05:19 PM
IceKing's Avatar
IceKing
Mime Jr.
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
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WHEEE! Here I go with my new reviewing style


Likes
-Lyn seems interesting (is she based off of you)
-The introductory Paragraph. I thoguht it was a good lead
-Fact that Mew is involved so its not just another OT

Dislikes
-Mainly the grammar and spelling


I wanted to focus on the grammar and spelling and capitilization errors

I noticed you didnt captilize certain proper nouns (Mom, God)

There are a few spelling mistakes as well (Congradulations-Congratulations, Mr. Birch- Proffesor Birch, met-meet, responed-responded, ect)

But there were quite a few grammar mistakes, they were mainly awkward like the ones Ill show in the following examples

Quote:
Usually Kenny and Julice, my nieghbors would be outside playing tag. But they moved last week. I'd miss them. Since I was 11, I had babysat them. But now, 2 years later...they were gone.
It should be

Quote:
Usually Kenny and Julice, my neighbors, would be outside playing tag, but they moved last week. Imissed them. Since I was 11, I had babysat them, but 2 years later,they are gone
Alright, first mistake is the misspelling of neighbors. I know I before E except after C, however theres another line so its really: I before E except after C except when prounounced like A as in neighbor or sleigh

Second mistake- Appositivves are a group of words that rename a noun such as

Sara, my sister, is a dork.

OR

I love Snickers,the food of the Gods, more than life itself.

my neighbors was an appositive to kenny and Julice so that means it needs a comma before and after it like in the appositives above

Third Mistake

You can have some sentences starting with And or But, however in this case I think its better to combien the two sentences with that but and a comma.

Fourth Mistake

I'd miss them doesnt go along with the past tense. I missed them seems to make more sense

Fifth Mistake

Same as Third

Sixth Mistake

Sorta like the fourth mistake with the tense. Now doesnt really make sense in the past tense so I fixed it up a bit


Whew, I feel bad for Frostweaver, Im already exhausted

Im gettign lazy so im just going to point out another mistake you make in your fic.

Dialogue punctuation is supposed to be like this

"I am Sam," Sam said.

With a comma at the end, not a period. You dont need a comma if you have a ? or !. In this case however you wont use a comma

"I love flowers." I turned around and sniffed some roses.

You dont need a comma because I turned and sniffed some roses is a seperate sentence. In the first case, Sam said, was part of I am Sam since it is describing who said it.

Also, you do not capitlize the word after the quoutation mark like in these examples.

"I am Sam," he said.

"I am Sam," said he.

You would captilize the word if it was a name or proper noun however

"I am Sam," Sam said.



PHEW! Thirty minutes later and I am done. I suggest working on youre grammar and spellign some. Good luck with the next chapter and I hope youll continue this because I do not want to have spent thirty minutes for nothing. I coudl have sat and stared at the wall you know!


EDIT: BREEZY! Next time you review a fic give me a heads up so I dont say everything you said over again
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  #4    
Old May 30th, 2005, 05:30 PM
Breezy's Avatar
Breezy
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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My review was already there, my child. Someone's been paying attention in English haven't they? Appositives . . . That word makes me laugh for some reason. Same goes for syntax. And past progressive. Don't ask me why.

There is more to a fic than grammar btw Iceking. Just lettin' ya know. ~^
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  #5    
Old May 30th, 2005, 06:17 PM
*Lyn*'s Avatar
*Lyn*
Fuzzy Plushie of doom
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Age: 22
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Heh, I fixed it.

My english teacher has been talking about appositives in the beginning of class for DOL, constantly saying, "this is appositive! Remember it!"

Can't remember what they are. Writing is just a habit I picked up in 3rd grade, not knowing much about grammer or anything, in that matter. Maybe I should learn about them, huh? Yees...-nods-

Kay, bad attempt at online-humor...sounds funnier if I said it outloud.

I'm most likely going to post chapter two tomorrow night or sometime after school, where I am going to pay attention in english.

TTY
Lyn
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  #6    
Old June 1st, 2005, 10:39 AM
Treecko's Avatar
Treecko
Beginning Pokemon
 
Join Date: May 2005
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i give you a thumbup a great way to end a chapter. but i suggeset that she should learn about mew later own.but still good
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  #7    
Old September 13th, 2005, 01:09 AM
DarkxEtain
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
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Nature: Adamant
this is quite good but there are lots of missing words like"Most were dissappointed I declined to start when I was ten. I was still interested in learning more."there is a missing when. but even with there mistake its quite good next time type using microsoft word it has a word ,grammar check .
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