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  #1    
Old June 4th, 2005, 03:55 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the house, next to the car, that is close to the sea.
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well this is mixed with Manga and Anime ok? i hope that you like it

Chapter one: New quest! Everything already!



A new day arrives to pallet town and everything is peaceful. A young teenager was ready to start his new journey and he wanted some of his friends to come

Im ready for this! Are you guys coming? Red yelled very excited

I think Ill go later Red A boy replied. His name was Gold

Aw man! Come on! Anybody will come? Red asked again

Well go later Red A guy of Reds age replied. His name was Green

Ok then Ill see you later then! Red said

You can count on it! A girl a bit younger than him yelled. Her name was Yellow

Ok bye guys! Red replied while he headed to a boat that will take him to Hoenn.

Whoa! Hey Pika! You want to come with me too? Red asked.

Pika pi! The yellow mouse replied. It was a Pikachu but his nickname was Pika.

Ok! Lets go! Red yelled.

Red was heading to the Seafoam Islands while he thought:

Ok now Im going with Pika and Saur. I will start my new journey and everything will go only great!

Red arrived to the Seafoam Islands and he took his boat that will take him to Hoenn. While he received a call on his Pokegear.

Hello? Red said.

Hey! I want to tell you that Ill be the first one that will be with you! It was Gold.

Sure? Great! When will you be there? Red asked.

Im right behind you! Gold replied.

Red looked behind him and he didnt saw anything.

Ha-ha! Fooled ya! Anyways Ill be there tomorrow. Gold said.

You will never change Ok! Red replied while he turned off his Pokegear.

Meanwhile in the boat he only was thinking of how great will be the Hoenn region with many new Pokemon that he never seen before.

Hey Pika. Im so excited Red said to his Pikachu.

Pika Pika The mouse Pokemon replied.

Thanks buddy. Red said.

Red was reading a guide of the Hoenn region: suddenly the night arrived. Red was ready to take his nap while he was returning his Pikachu to his Poke ball but

Pika! Come back! Red yelled.

Pika dodged the beam that came out of the Poke ball.

What? Hey Pika want to sleep with me? Red asked.

The Pokemon nodded his head to a yes.

Ok. Red replied.

Red and Pika quickly fell to sleep.

The morning arrived and the captain said.

Attention passengers we arrived to Littleroot town. Please disembark the boat if you are leaving here

Ok. Its time! Red thought.

Red disembarked the boat and he thought:

Well first I must go to the Prof. Birchs lab. Ok.

Red quickly called to Prof. Birchs lab and his helper answered the call.

Hello? Is Prof. Birch in his lab? Red asked

No sorry he is now researching some Pokemon! He will come back soon. The helper replied

Then which is the direction? Red asked

The lab is near the woods. Come here and wait for the professor please. The helper said

Ok Red replied

Meanwhile a new trainer was heading to Littleroot town.

Ok so Ill choose my starter and then I will take the Pokemon League Challenge! The girl thought. Her name was Sapphire.

Meanwhile... nearby the woods a boy was searching for Prof. Birch.

I wonder where dad is? I hope that he isnt having any problems... The boy thought. His name was Ruby. He was Prof. Birchs son.

Red was heading to the lab when he heard a voice:

Help! Somebody help me!

What the? Red thought. Better check.

Oh no! Thats the voice of dad! Ruby yelled while he ran where the Prof. Birch was

To be continued

--------------------------------

Well my evil twin helped me with some parts anyways any commens?
__________________

Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #2    
Old June 4th, 2005, 04:11 PM
Frostweaver's Avatar
Frostweaver
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Now is a good idea to read the "read first" stickies up there before you prepare yourself for reviews. Also, try to read some good fanfics around the area. Read the award-winning fanfics to see what is it that they have yet your story do not. Try to find out what it is, then find a way to include that as part of your fanfic (or apply their technique into your fanfic.) Feel free to ask for help in the fanfic lounge
  #3    
Old June 4th, 2005, 04:31 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
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Join Date: May 2005
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sorry but i don't understand at all ;
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Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #4    
Old June 4th, 2005, 05:59 PM
Frostweaver's Avatar
Frostweaver
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err... then for starters, read every single sticky in this forum except the fanfic lounge then
  #5    
Old June 4th, 2005, 06:02 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the house, next to the car, that is close to the sea.
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ok and BTW can i modify the first chap?
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Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #6    
Old June 4th, 2005, 06:40 PM
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I've read this at the green forum. I just reviewed it too. Just read it there because I'm too lazy to copy and paste hehe. And yes, you can modify your first chapter. See the edit button to the bottom right of your post? Click that and it'll go to a box where you can edit your fic.
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  #7    
Old June 4th, 2005, 06:56 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
t i t l e g o e s h e r e
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the house, next to the car, that is close to the sea.
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
well i'm a beginner please try to understand... i'm not a pro
__________________

Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #8    
Old June 4th, 2005, 06:58 PM
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Silly Red-san. Even if you're not a pro writer (likely chance that if you are writing fanfiction, you are not pro), that doesn't mean I can't help you with your mistakes and such.

Unlike me who had to learn the hard way. >> Heh, yeah.
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  #9    
Old June 4th, 2005, 07:07 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
t i t l e g o e s h e r e
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the house, next to the car, that is close to the sea.
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
oh really ; anyways the next chap will be tomorrow just wait (wow i'm fast)
__________________

Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #10    
Old June 5th, 2005, 11:21 AM
emeraldslay's Avatar
emeraldslay
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Maybe a little more structure could help your story. BTW, Green is supposed to be Red's rival, but you may of changed the charecters.
  #11    
Old June 5th, 2005, 12:19 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the house, next to the car, that is close to the sea.
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Nature: Relaxed
well that's right, but he will not be there until further episodes

Anyways here's chapter 2 is quite long this time ;

Last chapter:

Red headed to the Hoenn region, before get on the boat that would take it to the Hoenn region Gold called him to tell that he will be in Hoenn tomorrow. In the boat Reds Pikachu refused to get into his pokeball and Red decided to left him out of it. When Red arrived to Hoenn he decided to go to the Prof. Birchs lab and meet him. But when he called the helper said that the Prof. wasnt in the lab. Red asked to go to the lab. Then he decided to go and wait to the Prof. While a new trainer is heading to Littleroot Town very excited to start her journey, that was Sapphire, while Birchs son: Ruby was searching for him he heard his dads voice, he was in danger! Red heard that too and decided to go and check whats going on. Now the next chap

Chapter two: Everything ready to start!



Ruby was trying to find his father that he suspected that he was on trouble, Red was doing the same but he doesnt know that it was the Prof. Birch.

Dad! There you are! Whoa! Ruby yelled because he saw that his dad was in trouble: Two Pokmon were chasing him. Then

Oh no! That man is in trouble! Red yelled.

Huh? Ruby looked around and he saw Red.

Hey Ruby! Quick grab my pack in there! Prof. Birch yelled while he was pointing his pack near to a tree.

Ok Dad! Ruby replied

Ruby quickly ran to grab his dads pack but a Pokmon jumped and tried to attack Ruby

Look out! Quick Pika use quick attack! Red yelled and Pika quickly tackled the Pokmon that it fled by the hit.

Thanks! Ruby said

What was that Pokmon? Red asked

I think its a Poochyena Ruby replied Oh the pack! Ruby quickly nodded his head and grabbed the pack. I have it dad!

Good now use one of the Pokmon inside the pokeballs! Birch yelled

Ok! Lets see Ruby was checking which pokeball to use I pick this one! Go! Ruby threw the pokeball and a Pokmon popped out of it. Great a Mudkip! Ruby thought.

You will need help! Ill try helping you ok? Red said

Ok thanks! Ruby said

Ok Pika! Now use Quick attack on that Poochyena! Red commanded

Now Mudkip, use your tackle attack on the other one! Ruby commanded and both Pokmon hit both Poochyena but still they can battle

Hey I know that there is an attack that can beat them but what was it? Ruby thought

Maybe water gun? Red asked

Yes! That attack! Now Mudkip use water gun! Ruby commanded

Help with Thunderbolt Pika! Red quickly commanded

Both attacks combined to attack both Pokemon, when those attacks stroke both Poochyena they ran away.

Yes! We did it! Ruby yelled very excited Oh right! Dad! Ruby thought while he helped his dad Dad, are you alright?

Yes Ruby, Im fine Birch replied

Excuse me but you are the Prof. Birch? Red asked

Yes, Im the Professor Birch, Pokmon researcher Birch replied

Great Im Red, from Pallet Town, maybe you know about the Prof. Oak Red said

Well I heard of him Birch replied Oh my! Better go to the lab!

Then Red, Ruby and Prof. Birch went to the lab. Meanwhile Ruby asked to Red

Pallet town is in the Kanto Region right?

Yes youre right Red replied

I Wish I could travel there Ruby said

If you are going to travel with Pokmon, maybe you can come with me when I go back to Kanto! Red replied

Im very lucky! Im about to start my journey! Ruby said

Thats great! How old are you? Red asked

Im 11 years old, I was studying Pokmon yet at the 10 years, but I need more to learn yet Ruby replied

I can help you, when I was starting my journey, I was bad Red said

Ok! Ruby yelled very happy

Ok here we are, lab sweet lab Birch said

Birch entered to the lab first and he surprised by seeing that Sapphire was waiting

Oh hi Sapphire! Sorry I was late, I had some troubles Birch said

No problem Prof.! Now can I pick my starter? Sapphire asked

Yes! You and Ruby will check your starters Birch replied

Dad I think Ill keep the Mudkip Ruby said

Ok if you want Birch said

Thanks a lot dad! Ruby yelled very excited

Now Sapphire these Pokmon left: Treecko and Torchic, which one will you choose? Birch asked

I have decided since the beginning, Ill choose Torchic! Sapphire said

Ok, here Birch said while he gave Sapphire the pokeball containing the Torchic. Both Ruby and Sapphire, come here! Birch yelled. Ok, here you have five pokeballs and your Pokedex, use them to get more information about the Pokemon Birch explained

Ok! Both kids said in unison

Hey Red, do you have a Pokedex? Birch asked

Yes, I have one, Prof. Oak gave it to me before I take my ferry Red replied

Ok! When are you kids start your journey? Birch asked

Ill go with Red dad, I need to learn a bit more so Ill go with him Ruby said

Ok, what about you Sapphire? Birch asked

I fell a bit tired now I think Ill go tomorrow Sapphire said

Then come with us! Im waiting to a friend! Red said

Ok Ill go with you too Sapphire said

hey Red, do you have a Pokegear? Ruby asked

Yeah! Red said

Give me your number then Ill call you Ruby said

Ok! Red said while both boys exchanged numbers

Thanks Red! Ruby thanked

No problem, now I must go to the port to wait my friend, when he arrives Ill call you ok? Red replied

Ok! Ill be here Ruby said

Just wait Red said and he left the lab.

Red decided to go to the Port waiting for Gold.

Red waited until the night to Golds arrival but it seems that he didnt came

Man where is he? Red thought meanwhile a shadow appeared behind him

Booo! Gold yelled

Ah! Hey Gold! Red said

Hi Red! Gold said when both gave to each other a hug

Man I thought that you will never come here Red said very happy

I was trying to make a joke Gold said

Same old Gold Whatever I must call my new friend now! Red said

Ok! Where does he lives? Gold asked

Thats why Im calling Red said

Rubys Pokegear started to Vibrate and he answered

Hello?

Hey Ruby where are you? Red asked

Hi Red! Well Im in my house! Want to come? Ruby asked

Yeah! Where do you live? Red asked

Just check for the house that says: Birchs house Ruby replied

Ok! See ya there! Red said

Ok! Ruby yelled very happy

Lets go! Red said

Red was searching for Rubys house, he founded it in a way too long from the port.

While he was searching the house, he founded Sapphire in the Street.

hey Sapphire, want to come with us to Rubys house? Red asked

Sure, I need a place to take a rest, maybe he will let me sleep there Sapphire replied

Now Red, Gold and Sapphire headed to Rubys house

Ok here it is Red thought

Then Red knocked the door and Ruby opened the door

Welcome Ruby said

Wheres your dad? Sapphire asked

He left the house because he went to the casino Ruby said

So we are alone? Gold asked Oh sorry! My name is Gold

Hi my name is Ruby, so you are Reds friend right? Ruby asked

Yes Gold replied

Hey want to play Nintendo Gamecube? Ruby asked

You have a Gamecube? Red, Gold and Sapphire asked very surprised

Yep, and I have many games, want to play? Ruby asked

Sure! Red replied

Count on it! Gold yelled

It depends of what kind of games do you have Sapphire said

Ok come! Ruby said

To be continued...

--------------------------
I worked a bit more in this chap. i hope that you like it and i prefer more dialogue ok?
__________________

Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #12    
Old June 5th, 2005, 02:01 PM
emeraldslay's Avatar
emeraldslay
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Ok, I'm taking something directly from the writing FAQ. Please, read it and apply to further chapters.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver, for the Basic Pokemon Writing FAQ
Pokemon Battling Scenes


Pokemon battling can be an important scene for your story. It has actions and can be very influential for the characters, such as winning a title. However, there is one thing to avoid when you're describing Pokemon battling- anime battling.

Anime battling- A way a fanfic writer describes a Pokemon battling scene, as if it is a battle from the anime. Anime battling relies heavily on trainer's commands within conversations, and usually lacks description in the Pokemon itself. Anime battling focuses on the trainers giving the commands, rather than seeing the Pokemon in action (as if you're watching the anime and you can see the Pokemon battle, so the writer didn't bother with much work in the Pokemon). The Pokemon trainers say an unnecessary lots, making the battling scene feeling very laggy and boring. Trainers also like to say "anime lines" (corny lines) such as "try to get up," "you earn yourself a good rest" and all other battling boring phrases.


Anime battling will be something like...:

"Go Alakazam!" exclaimed Trainer A as he throw out a red and white sphere. Alakazam came out and eyed his opponents.

"Go Tauros" shouted Trainer B. Her Tauros was let loose from the Pokeball.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack!" said Trainer A as his Pokemon launched the psychic attack right at Tauros.

"Oh no Tauros hang on! Don't give up!" shouted Trainer B as her Tauros got back on his feet. "Alright now counter it with horn attack!"

"Alakazam use teleport to escape!" said Trainer A. Alakazam dodged out of the horn attack.

"You're doing great Tauros! Keep chasing it down with horn attack!" commanded Trainer B as her Tauros launched multiple horn attacks at the psychic Pokemon.

"No Alakazam we cannot lose this gym battle! Use your disable to stop it!"

<repeat crap like that for 60 more paragraphs>


As you see, the trainer does a lot more than the Pokemon which is terrible. We see them giving commands more than the battling itself. Very ugly... however, there are 2 methods on stopping yourself from anime battling.

a) don't use so much conversation commands

b) add in description (most important)

The above scene can be improved into something like this to escape anime battling...


A gym battle has begun in the city of <blank>, as the challenger Trainer A stepped up to the plate. At his call, a psychic Pokemon appeared on the scene, with its deadly psychic weapons ready to launch its fatal attacks. The gym leader reacted calmly at the intimidating scene, and summoned her raging Tauros out into the battlefield.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack now!"

The Pokemon obeyed the command as he raised up his hands, and a purple blast of energy was shot forward from its two metal spoons directly at the helpless Tauros in the blink of an eye. The bull Pokemon was forced onto the ground at the sheer power of the attack, and slid across the gym floor as the gym leader gasped at the power of the devastating psychic attack.


It's still a Pokemon battle, and trainers can still give commands. But this way it's a lot more entertaining.

Anime battling is sometimes purposely used for one of the trainer in a Pokemon battle (usually the loser of the battle) to indicate the fact that this trainer is an idiot. It's pretty much the only time when anime battling is allowed: to mock a trainer.

Pokemon battling should pack descriptions regarding the Pokemon. Describe how the attacks look like, and how the Pokemon reacts to various situations. Don't use a heavy amount of text bubbles for trainer commands. You can easily do the same thing through narration as demonstrated in the example. You can also talk about the emotions of the Pokemon, or the status of the Pokemon during the battle (ex: tired, enraged at its opponent, afraid of its opponent, etc).
  #13    
Old June 5th, 2005, 02:03 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
t i t l e g o e s h e r e
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the house, next to the car, that is close to the sea.
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
okay i'll do that thanks for that
__________________

Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #14    
Old June 5th, 2005, 05:32 PM
oni flygon's Avatar
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I see improvement so I'm not going to close this.

Try to be a bit more descriptive and lessen the dialogue a bit.
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  #15    
Old June 8th, 2005, 03:27 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
t i t l e g o e s h e r e
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the house, next to the car, that is close to the sea.
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
well for those that like this fic maybe i'll post 3 or 4 eppies on saturday or sunday ok? just be patient (and i said maybe just 40% of yes and 60% of no)
__________________

Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #16    
Old June 8th, 2005, 03:38 PM
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I like the idea, but then again, Red and Gold aren't that close as you imagine them to be. And also, just a point, Norman is Ruby's dad, and Professor Birch is Sapphire's dad.
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  #17    
Old June 8th, 2005, 06:19 PM
Roy-Kun's Avatar
Roy-Kun
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: In the house, next to the car, that is close to the sea.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Outskate
I like the idea, but then again, Red and Gold aren't that close as you imagine them to be. And also, just a point, Norman is Ruby's dad, and Professor Birch is Sapphire's dad.
In SPPF told me the same, i know but... is a mix wth anime and manga, some things of anime will remain and some of manga too got it? well anyway here's chapter three (BTW i chose Red and Gold because they are my fav. characters)

Last chapter

Ruby was trying to help Prof. Birch when Red arrived there too, Ruby got his dads pack with the help of Red and rescued the Prof. with Pika and a Mudkip. After that Prof. Birch with Ruby and Red went to the lab. When they arrived, Sapphire was in there, she choose Torchic as her starter.. After that Red remembered that he had to wait for Gold in the port, before he went to the port he exchanged numbers with Ruby to call to each other. When Gold arrived, Red told him to go to a friends house, when Red and Gold were going to the house, they met with Sapphire, Red asked if she wanted to go with them and she agreed. When they arrived to the house only Ruby was in there, his dad was in the casino. After a while Ruby invited to Red and cia. To play with his Nintendo Gamecube. Now the next chapter

Chapter three: problems with them...



Ruby lead the way to his room, Red was surprised because Ruby was very interested in the Pokmon, meanwhile

Hey is this your Gamecube? It haves 4 Wawebirds Controls! old asked very excited

Yes it is. The wawebird controls were a gift of my dad by being a good student of Pokmon Ruby replied

Red was checking the view from Rubys window, it was amazing, many night Pokemon were around, like Hoot Hoot, some Dustox, and many more. Then Sapphire yelled to Red to call his attention

Hey! What are you looking at? What arent you from this region?

No, Im from Kanto, this place looks like my home, the difference are the Pokmon he-he Red replied in low voice

Hey want to play this game? Ruby asked while he was showing the game of Super Smash Bros Melee.

Yes! That game is cool! Im the best of my region! Gold yelled

Ok! I want to play that game again Red said

Here we go Ruby said when he put the disk of the game in the Nintendo Gamecube

Ok which control? Sapphire thought

I put a number to difference them, choose I pick this one Ruby said while he pick the control with 1 written on it

I choose this! Gold said while he grabbed the one with a 3

Maybe this one Sapphire pick the one with a 2

I choose the last one Red said while he grabbed the last control

Well all is ready! The game is Stock, only one life ok? Now choose your character. Ruby said. Ill pick Roy

Ill pick Link! Red thought

No way! This one is mine! Sapphire said while she choose Link

D4mn! Oh well Ill pick Young Link Red picked that character

Ill pick my best character: Marth! Gold said while he choose Marth to battle

Ok the world will be: Hyrule! Ok? Ruby asked

Ok! Everybody replied in unison

Get ready! Im good! Ruby yelled

In the screen a temple appeared and there 4 things were in a materialization and there appeared the 4 characters that each one chose.

Ok! Everyone yelled

Young Link jumped and hit Link

Hey! Sapphire yelled

Thats for picking Link Red said

Not so fast! Gold said while Marth quickly ran and hit Young Link.

What? Take this! Red yelled while Young Link used his Spin Attack without thinking

Heres my chance! Ruby thought while he made Roy hit both with its sword charged.

No! Gold yelled because Marth suffered more damage

Now my turn! Sapphire thought when she made Link quickly use the Spin Attack on Roy

Now time to a counter! Red yelled while Young Link charged to a smash attack and hit Roy sending it to fly.

Yeah! Gold thought while he Marth moved quickly and Gold used the combination of: <- + b, <- + b, <- + b, <- + b. And that sent Young Link flying

Heres coming Ruby thought while Roy was ready with his charged sword, he was red and it started to shine. When Young Link fell to Roys place it was totally surrounded in fire and it attacked sending Young Link Flying and made it lose its only stock



Darn. Oh well Red said

Meanwhile Link was fighting Marth, Marth was winning, then an item appeared

It was time! Why so long? Gold said angry

Because I like when items appear lately. Ruby replied

Why? Is stupid Gold said

Dont say is stupid you brat! Ruby yelled

Dont call me brat! Gold yelled

Brat, brat, brat! Ruby said and Gold got angry

Ok Ill end this quick and then Im going to kick your butt! Gold replied very angry

Marth jumped and grabbed a Bomb and threw it to Link, Link was 109% of damage, that bomb sent it flying and lose

Now your turn Gold thought



Roy ran quickly to fight Marth, they stroke their swords and kept fighting, Roy swing his sword but Marth jumped and stroke it hard

Not so fast beginner! Ruby yelled while he made Roy ran and grabbed Marth, he stroke his with his sword twice and threw him to the air, then Ruby used Up + A and it made to Roy to raise his sword and made more damage to Marth, then another item appeared, it was another Bomb!

What another one? You like bombs Gold said

Yeah! What a genius Ruby yelled in high voice

What did you said? Gold asked

You heard me! Ruby replied

Oh boy kids Red said in low voice

So? They are alive yet! Thats boring, but I didnt lose first after all Sapphire said

What do you mean? Red asked

You must get that! Sapphire yelled

Ok lets end this! Gold said

He moved toward the Bomb and grabbed it

Take this! Gold yelled while he made Marth throw the Bomb

Ha! Fool Ruby said while he made Roy jump toward to the bomb and he grabbed it on the air and threw it back to Marth

No! Gold yelled

Marth lose and Roy was the winner

No! This is unfair! Lets do it again! Gold yelled

Anytime! Anywhere! Ruby replied

How about here, now? Gold asked very angry

Sounds good to me! Ruby yelled and both kids started to fight

Meanwhile Red and Sapphire were arguing thats the end of the day.

At the next day Red, Ruby, Sapphire and Gold were ready to go.

Ok! I think Ill take contest Ruby thought

Ha, coward Gold said

Heard that! Ruby yelled

Ok! I wanted you to hear that anyway Gold replied

Man this will be such a pain Hey why dont we split up? Red said

Ok! Ruby and Gold said very angry

Ruby youll travel with me and you Gold will travel with Sapphire ok? Red asked

Ok! If I dont have to be with a prick! Ruby said

Anyway Ill take the Pokmon league challenge Red said

Then we are rivals! Ill take that challenge too! Sapphire yelled

I wont lose to a girl! Red said

I can beat even an older guy! Sapphire yelled very angry

Youll lose! Red yelled

Well see that Sapphire said while both groups decided to go in different roads and they went to get knowledge of the Pokmon in Hoenn.

To be continued

------------------------------

Sorry i was in a rush cos my dad allowed me to use the computer only by 30 minutes and i was trying to modify it to look it better, i hope that it looks better now. This chap explains the rivarily between Red and Sapphire, Ruby and Gold are kids and they hate to each other.... ah kids....
__________________

Curremt obsession: (MMO)RPG, and S4 League.


Spoiler:

Credits to WindLord for the FE9 Roy sprite, and RoyLover for Sig and avvy.

  #18    
Old June 10th, 2005, 01:01 PM
emeraldslay's Avatar
emeraldslay
Obsessed with Mew/writing
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Age: 21
Gender:
Nature: Hasty
1. That chapter focused mainly on the videogame, which is terrible.
2.
Quote:
D4mn!
Ahem... it's damn.
3.
Quote:
Ok! I think Ill take contest Ruby thought
if he thought it, then Gold woudn't hear.

Meh, I'm in a nitpicky mood today. Oh, and you MUST cut down on dialouge.
  #19    
Old June 10th, 2005, 01:10 PM
oni flygon's Avatar
oni flygon
:)
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Bittertown
Gender:
Nature: Lax
Sorry but better luck next time. Try to read those threads that have been stickied and just try to be more descriptive. Lessen the dialogue a bit. I have to close this for now because the rule says so.

*CLOSED*
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