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  #1    
Old July 8th, 2005 (07:28 AM).
Kai: Envoy of Darkness's Avatar
Kai: Envoy of Darkness Kai: Envoy of Darkness is offline
Dakness comes!
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Kido City, where legends are born
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First i'd like to say, the other threads i've done were crap and i do not intend to finish them whatsoever! This one will be good i promise and the three main characters are those from the three main latest games (ruby and sapphire, colosseum and leafgreen and fire red) you'll know who Brendan is, Kai is the hero from Colosseum and Lloyd is the hero from leaf green and fire red i'll mention the rest later...

Chapter One:
The rain poured furiosly over the forests of Fotree as usual. Many of the wild poke'mon had taken to hiding in the tree's or underground in small caves they could find. The river banks were overflowing with mud and a lot of the paths became closed causing many trainers to retreat back to either Fotree City or Mauville. One trainer had managed to make his way deep into the forest fighting his way over fallen trees and muddy tarcks. His long blue coat was soaked and the starnge machine on his arm was sparing every now and then. He'd never been caught in rain like this before, bak in Orre, it never rained. He slipped on some slippery mud and fell backwards. He cursed loudly as he stood up and wiped the mud off.
'Can't beieve i'm in Hoenn!' He swore loudly. He was about to meet one of his friends for the first time. He'd never spoken to Brendan face to face before, they'd exchanged poke'mon and chatten over the net but never actually met. He only hoped he was looking after Espeon and Umbreon, his oldest friends... heknew he would see them,is visit here was for another reason. The rain didn't do anything to the white paint on his face, it just streamed down it like tears only dirtier. He finally reached his destination, an exteremely (i apologize if it's spelt wrong) large tree, about a house wide and one story high with a very thick vine hanging down the side. He grabbed the vine and slowly ascended praying he wouldn't slip as the ground was even wetter around here. He rached a man-size hole about halfway up and saw small lights flickering inside. He climbed in and came into a large sort of den, with lots and lots of boxes stacked everywhere. A few decorations were hung up or left at the side, and all the ornaments were that of dragons. Dragonites, Charizards, Aggrons, Aerodactyles, Gyarados', Altarias, Salamances and many more. A huge banner hung on the roof which said; Team Drake: Main Base. The boy smiled as he saw the poorly painted banner, he knew he could do a better job.
He shifted his head when he heard shuffling, lots of it, and smomeone mumbling. He quietly grabbed a long thin Rayquaza ornament and crept around the boxes, the ornament up high. Carefully he turned around to find a silver heaired boy in a red and black outfit, shifting boes around carfeully. He looked up quickly and dodged out of the ornaments way.
'Whoa! Wha- who... who are you?' He gasped.
'My name's Kai, who are you?' They boy asked.
'Oh! Your Kai! Hey bud, it's me Brendan, and Lloyd's on his way.' The silver haired boy replied.
'Oh, right... hey sorry about that.' Kai said putting the ornamnet down.
'Don't sweat it, just be careful next time... so like you wanted we found a place for our Team's Main Base... it's a little messy, but the money you and Lloyd gave arrived late to my account so i could only just purchase this stuff.' Brendan said.
'Yeah! That's great and all, and the decorationa arenice, but we need supplies, things like potions, and tools for catching poke'mon and we need computers... have you sent the notice out?' Kai asked. Brendan began scratching the back of his head...
'About that....' he began
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  #2    
Old July 8th, 2005 (08:12 AM).
Reya Boyens's Avatar
Reya Boyens Reya Boyens is offline
Here to review fanfics.
 
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"tree's" indicates that the tree owns something.
Just in general, you should run this through a spell check. Just copy-paste it into MS Word and back. I'm not going to pick out individual words.
"He'd never spoken to Brendan face to face before, they'd exchanged poke'mon and chatten..."
You need a semicolon or period there rather than a comma, and "chatten" is one of those words that a spell check would catch.
Yeah, there are a lot of little spelling and grammar things. Um, I stopped about halfway through. What does that mean? I found it less interesting than "Back to school week" on Jeopardy. I'm a game show-freak, though, so it really doesn't mean much.
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Okay, I don't care that that pretty poem sucked goat (take it in Spanish and message me if you get the reference). It's the truth. If you don't like my critiquing, skip past my comments.
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  #3    
Old September 3rd, 2005 (03:32 AM).
Elven Knight's Avatar
Elven Knight Elven Knight is offline
Master of the Sky Dragon
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: I'm back home in the UK now
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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING! It's slow, your grammar and spelling are rubbish and, i don't get it, try using a spell check next time
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  #4    
Old September 4th, 2005 (11:41 AM).
oni flygon's Avatar
oni flygon oni flygon is offline
:)
 
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Quote originally posted by Elven Knight:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING! It's slow, your grammar and spelling are rubbish and, i don't get it, try using a spell check next time
You have been warned for flaming.

Please use constructive criticism next time.

Thank you.
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  #5    
Old September 5th, 2005 (01:50 AM).
Elven Knight's Avatar
Elven Knight Elven Knight is offline
Master of the Sky Dragon
 
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Location: I'm back home in the UK now
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i apologize, i'llbe careful next time.... sorry envoy of darkness
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  #6    
Old September 5th, 2005 (06:25 AM).
SilverBlaze09's Avatar
SilverBlaze09 SilverBlaze09 is offline
Christian American
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: *yawns* Um, behind you?
Age: 26
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First off, it's 'Draconic Fury'. No 'g'. XP XD

Secondly, put a space in between paragraphs by hitting 'enter/return' after every one. Like so:
Quote:
Chapter One:

The rain poured furiosly over the forests of Fotree as usual. Many of the wild poke'mon had taken to hiding in the tree's or underground in small caves they could find. The river banks were overflowing with mud and a lot of the paths became closed causing many trainers to retreat back to either Fotree City or Mauville. One trainer had managed to make his way deep into the forest fighting his way over fallen trees and muddy tarcks. His long blue coat was soaked and the starnge machine on his arm was sparing every now and then. He'd never been caught in rain like this before, bak in Orre, it never rained. He slipped on some slippery mud and fell backwards. He cursed loudly as he stood up and wiped the mud off.

'Can't beieve i'm in Hoenn!' He swore loudly. He was about to meet one of his friends for the first time. He'd never spoken to Brendan face to face before, they'd exchanged poke'mon and chatten over the net but never actually met. He only hoped he was looking after Espeon and Umbreon, his oldest friends... heknew he would see them,is visit here was for another reason. The rain didn't do anything to the white paint on his face, it just streamed down it like tears only dirtier. He finally reached his destination, an exteremely (i apologize if it's spelt wrong) large tree, about a house wide and one story high with a very thick vine hanging down the side. He grabbed the vine and slowly ascended praying he wouldn't slip as the ground was even wetter around here. He rached a man-size hole about halfway up and saw small lights flickering inside. He climbed in and came into a large sort of den, with lots and lots of boxes stacked everywhere. A few decorations were hung up or left at the side, and all the ornaments were that of dragons. Dragonites, Charizards, Aggrons, Aerodactyles, Gyarados', Altarias, Salamances and many more. A huge banner hung on the roof which said; Team Drake: Main Base. The boy smiled as he saw the poorly painted banner, he knew he could do a better job.

He shifted his head when he heard shuffling, lots of it, and smomeone mumbling. He quietly grabbed a long thin Rayquaza ornament and crept around the boxes, the ornament up high. Carefully he turned around to find a silver heaired boy in a red and black outfit, shifting boes around carfeully. He looked up quickly and dodged out of the ornaments way.

'Whoa! Wha- who... who are you?' He gasped.

'My name's Kai, who are you?' They boy asked.

'Oh! Your Kai! Hey bud, it's me Brendan, and Lloyd's on his way.' The silver haired boy replied.

'Oh, right... hey sorry about that.' Kai said putting the ornamnet down.

'Don't sweat it, just be careful next time... so like you wanted we found a place for our Team's Main Base... it's a little messy, but the money you and Lloyd gave arrived late to my account so i could only just purchase this stuff.' Brendan said.

'Yeah! That's great and all, and the decorationa arenice, but we need supplies, things like potions, and tools for catching poke'mon and we need computers... have you sent the notice out?' Kai asked. Brendan began scratching the back of his head...

'About that....' he began
See? And then you forgot basic capitalization requirements:
Quote:
Chapter One:

The rain poured furiosly over the forests of Fotree as usual. Many of the wild poke'mon had taken to hiding in the tree's or underground in small caves they could find. The river banks were overflowing with mud and a lot of the paths became closed causing many trainers to retreat back to either Fotree City or Mauville. One trainer had managed to make his way deep into the forest fighting his way over fallen trees and muddy tarcks. His long blue coat was soaked and the starnge machine on his arm was sparing every now and then. He'd never been caught in rain like this before, bak in Orre, it never rained. He slipped on some slippery mud and fell backwards. He cursed loudly as he stood up and wiped the mud off.

'Can't beieve i'm in Hoenn!' He swore loudly. He was about to meet one of his friends for the first time. He'd never spoken to Brendan face to face before, they'd exchanged poke'mon and chatten over the net but never actually met. He only hoped he was looking after Espeon and Umbreon, his oldest friends... heknew he would see them,is visit here was for another reason. The rain didn't do anything to the white paint on his face, it just streamed down it like tears only dirtier. He finally reached his destination, an exteremely ({i} apologize if it's spelt wrong) large tree, about a house wide and one story high with a very thick vine hanging down the side. He grabbed the vine and slowly ascended praying he wouldn't slip as the ground was even wetter around here. He rached a man-size hole about halfway up and saw small lights flickering inside. He climbed in and came into a large sort of den, with lots and lots of boxes stacked everywhere. A few decorations were hung up or left at the side, and all the ornaments were that of dragons. Dragonites, Charizards, Aggrons, Aerodactyles, Gyarados', Altarias, Salamances and many more. A huge banner hung on the roof which said; Team Drake: Main Base. The boy smiled as he saw the poorly painted banner, he knew he could do a better job.

He shifted his head when he heard shuffling, lots of it, and smomeone mumbling. He quietly grabbed a long thin Rayquaza ornament and crept around the boxes, the ornament up high. Carefully he turned around to find a silver heaired boy in a red and black outfit, shifting boes around carfeully. He looked up quickly and dodged out of the ornaments way.

'Whoa! Wha- who... who are you?' He gasped.

'My name's Kai, who are you?' They boy asked.

'Oh! Your Kai! Hey bud, it's me Brendan, and Lloyd's on his way.' The silver haired boy replied.

'Oh, right... hey sorry about that.' Kai said putting the ornamnet down.

'Don't sweat it, just be careful next time... so like you wanted we found a place for our Team's Main Base... it's a little messy, but the money you and Lloyd gave arrived late to my account so [i] could only just purchase this stuff.' Brendan said.

'Yeah! That's great and all, and the decorationa arenice, but we need supplies, things like potions, and tools for catching poke'mon and we need computers... have you sent the notice out?' Kai asked. Brendan began scratching the back of his head...

'About that....' he began
Okay, fine, so you only forgot the 'i'. XD However, you DEFINITELY need a spellcheck.

And Team Drake? No offense, but using a dragon-trainer's name for a dragon-based team is, um, not cool? How about 'Team 00ber1337dr4g0n7r41n3rZ!', it would get the same message across. XP XD

Besides, a drake is a duck. XD

Also, the ending was rather abrupt. 'About that...' what? Huh? I'm lost already. Fortree is spelled 'Fort-ree', not 'Fot-ree', etc. XD

However, it IS rather nice to see Orre come into play in a fic. XD Or at least a trainer from Orre. XD

Quote:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING! It's slow, your grammar and spelling are rubbish and, [i] don't get it, try using a spell check next time[]
Funny, actually. XD EoD isn't the only one who needs said check. XD

SilverBlaze09
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I love that verse.
Currently unable to Fanfic on-line, but hope to soon.
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