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  #1    
Old November 10th, 2005, 03:28 PM
Frostweaver's Avatar
Frostweaver
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And finally, Frostweaver started his own thread as a place to dump all of his fanfic reviews ; As in the past, feel free to submit a Pokemon fanfic review request to me if you are not afraid of life-threatening remarks or heartbreaking comments. In an unlimited time limit, I'll eventually get around to read your story. A fanfic review will only be rejected if the story is totally unbearable because of its gruesomeness or excessive usage of violence (and anything that I strongly feel uncomfortable with. I need to have some right, after all.)

The marking criteria is based on a mark out of 100. A story is evaluated from all different aspects and viewpoints. Be aware that getting a failing mark *is* possible, and it happened before, so don't whine about it. Any stories with a mark of 90 and higher will be awarded with the "Standard of Excellence"title, and a link to their story (along with a short summary) will be posted here as well. These stories will be listed here by alphabetical order and not by marks. Basically, good stories are rewarded with free story advertizing opportunities. Writers may now quality to have multiple stories winning the "Standard of Excellance" award. However, if an author did not update a novel/trilogy even once within half a year, then his or her stories will be taken off the list. Unless you are Frosty's pairup/friends, there is no exception to this rule.

If you dare to ask for a fanfic review, you can directly post here. Be sure to include a link to your story in your fanfic review request, so I don't have to spend time in hunting down your story. When I finish with your fanfic review, a PM will be sent to notify you. In the meantime, in this first post of the thread, there will be a Waiting List showing all the fanfic review requests from different authors. If you're wondering how long is it going to be until it's your turn, check the Waiting List yourself.


I'll look forward to your fanfic review requests ^__^



Winner of the Academy's "Standard of Excellence"

(this section is under construction, but the links are working)

Quote:
Chains, by Dragonfree {Short story, completed!}
Mewtwo has been captured and is kept, barely alive, in a secure chamber in an underground laboratory. One of the scientists brings his young daughter along to look at Mewtwo.

Frostweaver's comments: It's an emotional piece of work that hides many underlying messages beneath the surface. Its usage of symbolism and its choice for the allusion work beautifully with one another.
Quote:
Guilty, by Dragonfree {Short story/interlude for "Quest of the Legends," completed!}


Frostweaver's comments: It's a clever story that utilizes all writing elements to demonstrate its central idea. It is a brilliant story that evaluates a relationship between a Pokemon and his trainer.
Quote:
Heart of the Magma, by Purple Drake {Novel, currently on Update #3}
Frostweaver's comments: One of the best stories about Team Magma, this unique fanfic succeeds with a great plotline that shows a side of Team Magma that most people have never heard of.
Quote:
Ionem, by Ionem {Novel, currently on Ch. 3}
Frostweaver's comments: With the skillful incorporation of numerous writing techniques, Ionem is a strong fanfic on both the literal surface and the underlying ideas, proving itself to be a great read for all types of readers.
Quote:
Paint Me a Picture, by LilyPichu {Short story, completed!}
Through the remains of what was once his home town, Ash finds an artist who will paint a picture of his one memory.

Frostweaver's comments: Once again, it's a well written oneshot by Lily featuring only a short glimmer of a specific time. Yet within the short time setting, there are countless revelations about the character, and our world.
Quote:
Pocket Monster Chronicles, by Yamato-san {Scriptfic}
Kimono Hiro is lead away from his home, and in order to get back, Hiro has no choice but to travel as a Pokemon trainer with an Eievui that took a mysterious liking to him. The two encounter deadly enemies and ultimately end up in the middle of a conflict that involves the gods themselves.

Frostweaver's comments: Planning to be a Japanese doujinshi drama series, the strong and detailed imageries of words provide a vivid mental image like no others. With a well suited pace, It is one of the best scriptfics.
Quote:
Summer's Dying Days, by Jedi_Amara {Short story, completed!}
Frostweaver's comments: Tackling an idea that is constantly avoided or overlooked, this fanfic shows a glimmer of the most passionate side of the Pokemon World, digging deep into the readers' hearts.
Quote:
Trials of Reluctance, by Meitantei Isaac {Novel, currently on Ch. 21}
Force, Decisions and Bonds. These are factors that May Hiromi knew too well. When these factors intertwine and meld, the road called life becomes a more daunting path.

Frostweaver's comments: Characterization is the star here, as the story proves itself to have some of the most complicated characters in any Pokemon story with the aide of both comedic and tragic writing styles.

Last edited by Frostweaver; February 18th, 2006 at 11:38 PM.
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  #2    
Old November 10th, 2005, 04:23 PM
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Strawberry Delcatty
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http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=41544
Could you review chapter 4 of HMW? I've been waiting for quite a while (since I sent that PM WAY back)
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Last edited by Strawberry Delcatty; November 10th, 2005 at 04:30 PM.
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  #3    
Old November 11th, 2005, 06:40 AM
Yamato-san
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sweet, my summary's up, and you managed to shorten what I originally submitted very nicely. Just so everyone knows, this story is written and posted very differently from the majority of stories out there, so it's recommendable you read the first post in the thread to have a good understanding.... but god, that first post's badly in need of an update.

BTW, I am serious about turning this into a doujinshi drama series, with the script and plot outline (IOW, the fic I'm posting right now) currently on its second revision (yeah, I think there're still many things I should change, but for now, I'm leaving them because I intend to get through the whole story before revising again). If it's not apparent enough in my writing, I really make an effort to give it the element of a commercial series. If anyone ever happened to professionally review anime or manga for some site, please give PMC a look, because any comments from you may prove extremely helpful.
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  #4    
Old November 11th, 2005, 02:33 PM
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@ Guilty, by Dragonfree {Fanfiction of the Month for Oct, 2005}


Title- 4/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

I'm pretty sure that "guilty" doesn't pin-point Scyther and the trainer's feelings. Scyther is partially guilty of the innocent blood (or so it seems, at least, reading Guilty alone without ch. 27), but it doesn't summarize the last half of the short story, especially the important scene of drinking the beer. A suggestion of escape seems to be much more fitting.

Narrative Manner- 4/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

Oh so close! It started really well with 3rd Person Objective, but then it went downhill as it changed to 3rd Person Omniscient. Just like the dialogues, everything gets more literal and obvious. It destroys/clashes with the mysterious scene in the beginning of the story. There's only 3 mainstream for any writing: plot-oriented (example: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter series) or theme-oriented (example: To Kill a Mockingbird, Lord of the Flies). Finally, there's the best of the three which is a mix of both (example: the first Matrix movie.) Short stories don't have the length to develop an excellent, intensive and unpredictable plot, so most of the time it heads towards the theme-oriented direction. This means that the theme is the central idea, while all other elements of writing points towards the common idea including the plot (where plot-oriented is the reverse, as everything is made to strengthen the plot while paying little attention to the theme, or have a simple/very obvious theme.) "Guilty"'s plot isn't that spectacular, so it's most likely a theme-oriented story as well. Since that is the case, the theme shouldn't really be so obvious or literal. There's only two things I got out of the story no matter how hard I try to look under the surface, and this problem exists probably because the surface has told me everything already.

Look back to "Chains" and you will see the difference. You don't get anything sensible out of "Chains"'s literal meaning, and you need to re-read "Chains" over and over again in order to start understanding the true idea of the story. "Guilty" just failed to share that same charm.

Grammar/Coherence- 9/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

Oneshots always get the upperhand here. Shorter length means less room for errors.

A mark off for coherence. The problem is discussed later on other sections.

Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

Not really sure if the trainer or Scyther is multi-faceted. They do have 2 sides, but then both of them are actually identical underneath. It's a blind man's poor attempt to lead another blind man to cross the road. The trainer thinks that he is helping his Scyther by answering Scyther's questions, but really they are both at the same place walking in circles. But then, I suppose that being apathetic is better than being suicidal...

There was a part about the drink being forgotton, and Scyther listened with curiosity. That part really bugs me because it clashes with what's happening before AND what's happening after. It's awkward... Part of the problem is the conversation, and I already talked about that earlier in the review.

There's a LOT of potentials to strengthen the theme by describing the trainer. We actually know nothing about him physically. His physical appearance can be easily abused to portray the central idea for this story. Scyther's appearance is pretty good. It can be even better if the blade is actually dull.

Now since this is treated as a seperate story from Quest for the Legends, the fact that Pokemon can talk will once again, become a problem... not sure how you can possibly fix this though without relating back to Quest for the Legends.

Minor Character(s)- omit/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

no minor characters, so omit

Story Details- 10/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

The curiosity part is mentioned already, being a relative eyesore. The setting of the small room is a very nice choice. Almost everything about the beer is worth a round of applause.

Conflict- 5/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, good and evil cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, good and evil are questionable
3 Man vs. Man along other conflicts, but good and evil are obvious
2 Man vs. Man only, good and evil are obvious
1 Man vs. Man only, ending is highly predictable

An obvious "Man vs. Self" with "Man vs. Society" for minor support. Doesn't have 3 conflict, but this story doesn't need it.

Diction/Tone- 13/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

Tone of the trainer... that's something to improve on. There's only one case where his false tongue betrayed him, and that's when he swore. It'll be even better if there are more cases like that throughout the story. There's a relatively lack of evidence from the trainer himself that he is a hypocrite, and so far only the beer and the swearing really proves it if we exclude the huge support from the setting. The character should be able to support that too, and not just the setting alone.

Author is obviously biased for Scyther here, because once again Scyther's tone is just fine.

Diction melts in with the setting and Scyther's actions. They are great choices for the story.

Story Structure- 13/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

I'm not sure about this one... everything made great sense to me except for the very last line of the story: Scyther's question. It really doesn't suggest anything new, as it only reinforces a well-known idea that the trainer and Scyther are two of the same person. In fact, it takes away from the story because just 2 sentences ago, there's the perfect line (in my humble opinion) to end the story with: "he just stares at the bowl in front of him, deep in thought. Finally he starts lapping up the drink again." It would have been so beautiful... at least to me.

Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Authors re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

No obvious mistakes, and there's probably a fair amount of editing going on to fit the setting so well for the story.

Literal Device Bonus- + 3/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony 2/2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols 1/3, Theme /3)


Total: 84/90 => 93/100 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}

I seemed to talk ill of this story quite a bit, but the relationship between Scyther and his trainer is quite interesting, and realistic in most senses. This story got nothing but this special relationship, along with some small secrets about the trainer's faulty character, but it manages to show the relationship very well.

Again, I'll be needing a summary from you for this story of yours for the Academy.
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  #5    
Old November 11th, 2005, 05:54 PM
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Thanks for the review. =D Some comments:

Quote:
Oh so close! It started really well with 3rd Person Objective, but then it went downhill as it changed to 3rd Person Omniscient. Just like the dialogues, everything gets more literal and obvious. It destroys/clashes with the mysterious scene in the beginning of the story.
The first and second parts of the fic were supposed to contrast in this aspect... starting with Scyther in his thoughts, his mind completely detached from his surroundings, and then turning into harsh and blunt reality when the trainer arrives.

Quote:
"Guilty"'s plot isn't that spectacular, so it's most likely a theme-oriented story as well. Since that is the case, the theme shouldn't really be so obvious or literal. There's only two things I got out of the story no matter how hard I try to look under the surface, and this problem exists probably because the surface has told me everything already.
It focuses on the characters; its role as a part of The Quest for the Legends is to give insight into the relationship between Scyther and his former trainer, as well as dwelving deeper into both of their personalities, and as a one-shot it isn't meant to portray much more than the relationship between Pokmon and trainer in their case.

Quote:
There was a part about the drink being forgotton, and Scyther listened with curiosity. That part really bugs me because it clashes with what's happening before AND what's happening after. It's awkward...
I guess this is one of the parts where it really helps to have read chapter 27; the thing is that Scyther has never known until now that he and his trainer have anything in common. At that point, some hope sparks and he starts to think his trainer can actually help him; however, while he doesn't see through the advice as something that will not help him, he senses that there is something wrong with it although he doesn't know what. (That's what he's trying to figure out while "deep in thought"; the alcohol is preventing him from thinking clearly, too, which is why he finally gives up and starts drinking again, figuring he can drown it.)

Oh, and that is also a part of why I chose to name it Guilty; he's on the way to becoming guilty of abusing alcohol.

Quote:
There's a LOT of potentials to strengthen the theme by describing the trainer. We actually know nothing about him physically. His physical appearance can be easily abused to portray the central idea for this story.
Hmm... I've got to say, that's a very good idea. Thanks, Frosty. =D

Quote:
I'm not sure about this one... everything made great sense to me except for the very last line of the story: Scyther's question.
The main part where reading chapter 27 is a bit important to understand it... Guilty cuts off just as Scyther is about to tell him the whole story, and there will be another extra/one-shot a bit later which actually tells the story.

Quote:
In fact, it takes away from the story because just 2 sentences ago, there's the perfect line (in my humble opinion) to end the story with: "he just stares at the bowl in front of him, deep in thought. Finally he starts lapping up the drink again." It would have been so beautiful... at least to me.
Hmm, maybe true. I mainly wanted to show what exactly this conversation was leading to.

At least, thanks for the Standard of Excellence. ; Summary... hmm...

"A Scyther is saved from suicidal thoughts by his trainer..."

Or something in that direction. I like the irony in "saved"...
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  #6    
Old November 11th, 2005, 10:09 PM
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Frostweaver
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfree
The first and second parts of the fic were supposed to contrast in this aspect... starting with Scyther in his thoughts, his mind completely detached from his surroundings, and then turning into harsh and blunt reality when the trainer arrives.
It's not such a strong contrast because it's not really that obvious at all. You can still show that Scyther's mind is slowly infiltrated by the trainer's "advises" by first starting off with the story filled with Scyther's thoughts, and then slowly Scyther only listens. I just see that it'll be a lot better if the narrator remains objective. Why suggest a 3rd person into the relationship between Scyther and his trainer?

Quote:
It focuses on the characters; its role as a part of The Quest for the Legends is to give insight into the relationship between Scyther and his former trainer, as well as dwelving deeper into both of their personalities, and as a one-shot it isn't meant to portray much more than the relationship between Pokmon and trainer in their case.
Characters can't make a story alone. It's almost always that either the characters go through an amazing chain of events (plot-oriented,) or the characters' reactions to certain events reveal something about our world (theme-oriented.) Character is really a method to get to either of these two. So far, Guilty does demonstrate the relationship between Scyther and his trainer, as the main message. The central idea is what can be interpreted out of the main message, and that is how people try to save another when they cannot save themselves. Another well-supported theme is that escape is the only solution to pain. Either of these two function just fine as a theme. When reading (or at least for me >>), first identify what is the central message that is applied to the story, and what can be taken out of the story in order to apply it to the world. Almost all stories except for Poe's follow this rule (Poe's story is just writing for the heck of writing. It has no rules, no boundaries, and no theme.)

Quote:
I guess this is one of the parts where it really helps to have read chapter 27; the thing is that Scyther has never known until now that he and his trainer have anything in common. At that point, some hope sparks and he starts to think his trainer can actually help him; however, while he doesn't see through the advice as something that will not help him, he senses that there is something wrong with it although he doesn't know what. (That's what he's trying to figure out while "deep in thought"; the alcohol is preventing him from thinking clearly, too, which is why he finally gives up and starts drinking again, figuring he can drown it.)
Yes I understand that. The symbol of the beer is really obvious (like, as if beer as any other purpose besides getting drunk from it?) The thing is that it clashes severely to the idea that Scyther is losing his senses and that he is still escaping from the problem instead of facing the problem. If Scyther is listening with curiosity, then that means apathy is absent, meaning, Scyther is suddenly clear-headed for a second. This will suggest that there is hidden hope of a real solution to the problem within the delusion, which is not something you want to go to.

Quote:
Oh, and that is also a part of why I chose to name it Guilty; he's on the way to becoming guilty of abusing alcohol.
Unless Scyther realizes that it is bad, he can't feel "guilty" about it.

Quote:
The main part where reading chapter 27 is a bit important to understand it... Guilty cuts off just as Scyther is about to tell him the whole story, and there will be another extra/one-shot a bit later which actually tells the story.
First of all, the ability to recall the past is again, clashing with the beer. Since this is also a stand-alone story, it must make sense within itself as well. If you want to write what really happened to Scyther, I don't think it's too bad to start off the next oneshot with that question instead.

(note: now it is possible for someone to tell the truth/recall the past correctly while being drunk, but to write it out becomes a lot harder. That situation only occurs unintentionally 90% of the time, especially with spilling out secrets, and hence the saying "the only people who do not lie in this world are children and the drunk." Alcohol promotes the lack of control, so usually the drunkard's recall of the past will be either unintentional, or a betrayal against the drunkard from deep within... either way, I'll discourage writing against the odds and the extreme difficulty.)
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  #7    
Old November 12th, 2005, 04:45 AM
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Quote:
Unless Scyther realizes that it is bad, he can't feel "guilty" about it.
You can be guilty of a crime without actually feeling any guilt.

Quote:
First of all, the ability to recall the past is again, clashing with the beer. Since this is also a stand-alone story, it must make sense within itself as well. If you want to write what really happened to Scyther, I don't think it's too bad to start off the next oneshot with that question instead.

(note: now it is possible for someone to tell the truth/recall the past correctly while being drunk, but to write it out becomes a lot harder. That situation only occurs unintentionally 90% of the time, especially with spilling out secrets, and hence the saying "the only people who do not lie in this world are children and the drunk." Alcohol promotes the lack of control, so usually the drunkard's recall of the past will be either unintentional, or a betrayal against the drunkard from deep within... either way, I'll discourage writing against the odds and the extreme difficulty.)
The other one-shot is more of a flashback; it's not him telling the story, but simply the story of why he got so depressed as a stand-alone work.
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  #8    
Old November 20th, 2005, 03:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
Writers may now quality to have multiple stories winning the "Standard of Excellance" award.
Does that mean I can have my other 90+ stories back on the list? XD
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"One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
Albert Einstein

"What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
Benjamin Franklin

"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
Bertrand Russell

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ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.
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Old November 20th, 2005, 04:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jedi_Amara
Does that mean I can have my other 90+ stories back on the list? XD
But they were rated by the old, old, inefficient and inferior rating system ;p However you can always re-submit them in to be tested by the new one, I guess.

And also, your PM box is full so I'll tell you right here. I need a summary for your current Standard of Excellance winning story ; I need it so I can put a summary for your story (like how FFNet does it).

Last edited by Frostweaver; November 20th, 2005 at 04:25 PM.
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  #10    
Old November 21st, 2005, 05:58 PM
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Oh, OK, I'll write one up and give it to you, like, tomorrow ^____^

*goes off to look for the links to old stories to be re-rated*
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"One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
Albert Einstein

"What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
Benjamin Franklin

"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
Bertrand Russell

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Old November 26th, 2005, 01:44 PM
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@ Reflect, by Act


Title- omit/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

I'll go for an omit on this one. Nothing wrong with the title, but it's too early in the story to decide if the title is revelant or symbolic for the story.

Narrative Manner- 5/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

-By the way, "1st Person Omniscient" is part of "1st Person Narrative" because that just means the 1st person narrator is a god/legendary-whatever/writer him/herself.

Nothing to complain here. The narrative manner is definitely one of the best ones I've seen in a very long time since Brian01.

Grammar/Coherence- 7/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

Quote:
and possibly to some not good-looking at all
comma after "some"

Quote:
and it is what she was. There.
comma instead of a period after "was," or perhaps even a colon but I'm not sure on that one...

"not happy" => "unhappy"

Quote:
The exact circumstances of their affair prior to and for a significant time after marriage are not necessary at this point (though they are intriguing enough); what is the point of a prologue but to relate what is needed for a reader to understand a story?
This sentence sounds really wordy even with Negrek's fixes... cut out "for a significant time" because that is implied by "not necessary at this point." If it's not necessary at this point, then it must be necessary at another point. If it's necessary at another time, then it's also significant.

Quote:
There were reasons they did not happen, reasons he could not communicate.
add "why" after the first reasons. Now I know that it's not a comma, but I'm not sure if it should be a dash or semicolon... probably the dash. (I'm not very good at the higher level punctuations myself.)

Quote:
And, the point of this, what you need to understand is simply that they were wed.
Still doesn't make much sense... try "Either way, the point of this is: what you simply need to understand is that they were wed."

"gene" needs a s (need the plural form)

"some thing" should be one word.

Quote:
He felt guilty about bring 'rude'
being 'rude'

Quote:
to be in a puppy love with your best friend, to be a hopeless, average-looking tomboy.
something about the first comma there isn't right... hmm...

Quote:
Celadon City was huge
It's sentences like this one that I always lose marks on in english class =/ Now here the narrator is talking directly to the reader again, isn't it? So, I think that the "was" here should be "is." Celadon, up to the present day, is still a huge city. Since it continues to be a big city, it should read as present tense, shouldn't it? (since I'm not sure about this myself, this isn't going to count towards the mark)

Quote:
Letting him do that was what bad parents did, the kind whose children were kidnapped.
Use a dash instead of a comma here.

Use whomever instead of whoever in order to be technicaly, but then again "whom" is slowly being completely replaced by "who" now. You always use "whom" if the sentence/phrase following the word does not have any form of the verb "to be" in it. Otherwise, "who" is used. ("Whom did this?" is correct and not "Who did this?" as the verb "to be" isn't following "whom" in the rest of the sentence. "Who is it?" is correct as the verb "to be" is used in the form of "is." "Whom is it?" isn't correct here.)

Quote:
the end of the next week
end of next week

Quote:
Do you have any intention of ever going on a Pokmon journey?
for going on... and the accent on the e goes the other way too, by the way.

What's with the "why" in his life? I didn't get that and it sounded wrong together with life and love there.

Major Character(s)- 15/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

Hmm... who else got the feeling that it's the NARRATOR who's actually the most important character of all? ;p We actually know more about the narrator than everyone else in the story combined. I'm pretty sure I can rant on quite a bit about the narrator. As for Negrek's comments about all those "off topic" comments of the narrator, I don't find them annoying because I don't believe that the "story" is the main focus anyway...

Minor Character(s)- omit/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

Using the above mindset again how the narrator is the only major character, this makes everyone else a minor character. I'm not sure how I should treat them because the narrator jumps ALL over the place in terms of description, which is something that's usually bad to see. Yet, the inconsistency in narration is part of the description for the major character so you can't say that it's wrong... so um... in the end... omit? Whatever is "lacking" for the minor characters is a result of a character trait of the narrator, so you can't blame anything as a "mistake" for having too little description about the minor characters... really, this story is about HOW the narrator tells the story, and not about WHAT is the story anyway.

Story Details- 9/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

Quote:
Reader, you can probably assume at this point without making an *** of you and me that they did, in fact, live happily together for some time.
It's slightly contradicting to an earlier part of the prologue to say that they live happily together. Put a single quotation around happily (so it reads: live 'happily' together...) because the term "happily" is now being used with a new definition, created earlier in the prologue. (Basically, any terms that aren't used only for its worldly accepted meaning most likely requires the single quotation mark around it when it's used with its new definition for the first time in a text.)

I don't really get what's going on when the narrator mentions Emmett's sister. I think it's mostly a grammar mistake that makes the section awkward and hard to understand. It's talking about Emmett's appearance but then suddenly talked about his sister... weird.

I don't think "Ian Jordan" rhymes just because the spelling got the "an" there. Ian stresses the "I" so it doesn't reall rhyme to me... ah well.

Generally it gives a fair amount of indirect insight into the narrator, which is the point of this story (to my opinion). The only complaint I got is that it's usually the same information repeated to the readers over and over again... nothing much that's new.

Conflict- omit/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, good and evil cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, good and evil are questionable
3 Man vs. Man along other conflicts, but good and evil are obvious
2 Man vs. Man only, good and evil are obvious
1 Man vs. Man only, ending is highly predictable

None, so omit again.

Diction/Tone- 15/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

Quote:
There were reasons they did not happen, reasons he could not communicate.
I'm not really sure if "communicate" is what you are trying to say. Communicate always happen between two different living beings (or, an inorganic that's treated as living, such as "communicating/talking with the wall.") The emphasis of the word is placed on the action of the interaction between the two, and is not on what the topic is about. In this case, you will want to stress about the "reasons" so communicate doesn't work. "Explain" is probably a better choice here.

Diction is the heart of character description here. It's pretty interesting to see that the narrator uses a wrong word that doesn't fit the connotation (but works in the denotation department) and turns a sentence against his/her will instead.

Story Structure- 15/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

One of the most original I've ever seen. I haven't read any fanfics that's based on the narrator for a very long time.

Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Authors re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

Literal Device Bonus- + 2/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style 1/1, Foil 1/1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3)

Total: 78/80 => 98/100

*note: this type of story sends this marking system to a complete break down with millions of omits, and the fact that any errors but grammar mistakes are a result of the narrator's character can dodge anything that appears "wrong" on this sytem... in the end, this mark isn't going to be an accurate one.

Last edited by Frostweaver; November 26th, 2005 at 07:56 PM.
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  #12    
Old November 26th, 2005, 08:00 PM
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Hehehehe... I broke the reviewer!

xD
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  #13    
Old November 26th, 2005, 09:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Act
Hehehehe... I broke the reviewer!

xD
Yes, go write more so I can find some more stuff to break you instead >>;
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  #14    
Old November 27th, 2005, 06:45 AM
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Yes, go write more so I can find some more stuff to break you instead >>;
Ouch. Oh, snap... I feel... something.
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  #15    
Old February 19th, 2006, 08:40 PM
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Hoenn Mirror World (v 3) Ch.4 and onwards by Strawberry Delcatty


Title- 4/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

Nothing much to say here... titles are relevant and descriptive, but is limited to the literal level. However, good titles are almost impossible to think of.

Narrative Manner- omit/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

omit... last time we talked about this already. It's unfair to take off a mark again for the same thing.

Grammar/Coherence- 8/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

-The part in ch.4 regarding the mirror wand and rainbow pokeballs has used the same type of sentence over and over again. It sounds a bit boring to read. That paragraph can probably be broken down to two smaller ones instead, and add a small dialogue to make it more interesting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by from Ch.4
She waited for the words to come into her head like they did in the battle with the Magma Magician but was unsuccessful.
"but it was..." Watch out for grammar stuff =3 Negrek pointed out tons already so let's not repeat.

"ended up losing" => "lost," so again, there's some funny wordings like that

Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

I personally think that Mirror Mariah warms up a bit too quickly to Mariah. It doesn't sound too reasonable for Mirror Mariah to tell her that she doesn't remember her life before she became the Guaridan of Hoenn. It sounds pretty private to me, and these two girls are basically strangers...

What is "in common" to you? I personally think that the phrase doesn't describe Mariah and Mirror Mariah very well. They may think about the same problem, but I personally regard "in common" to act the same... yeah.

The sudden appearance of the Diamond Wand sounds pretty iffy... it's as if the author can't pull off a cool trick in battle using the current Pokemon at hand, so she just have to invent something to get the heroines out of the hole. To solve this problem, it's best to mention or hint the existance of items for Guardian Mariah (that sounds so much better than Mirror Mariah) to regain portions of her power, so the items don't seem to come out of nowhere. On top of that, this wand got a conflict in terms of its name on the Pokemon department. We *all* know what the next generation of games are called, right? >>; "Blue, Yellow, Green, Red, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Pearl, Diamond" shouldn't be used for any name at all in order to avoid unintentional allusions.

Minor Character(s)- 9/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

You do remember that Mariah and Guaridan Mariah look exactly alike, right? I'm rather surprised that Norman didn't question Mariah's identity at all, unlike that of everyone else, even Lemonade... Awkward.

I'll treat the girls' Pokemon as minor characters. Now Lemonade is dead loyal but at least we do get some history about him (former guardian's Pokemon.) Have Mudkip said anything yet? I don't think so... Treecko's connection with the inexistant Pokemon ("diamond tail pokemon") is an interesting start, and hopefully it will lead us to a good path. Overall, there seems to be a very strong basis for most Pokemon. It'll be even better if we get to see some more of Mudkip so Mudkip's development will also start at the same place... it'll suck to see Mudkip lag behind the others.

This section improved significantly since v2. Keep up the good work!

Story Details- 7/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

The part in the beginning of ch.4 regarding the rainbow pokeballs and the mirror wand is slightly confusing... I still don't know what happened to Treecko there.

How did Raichu manage to break through the gust attack from Dark Dustox anyway? We can certainly use a lot more explanations on that... As far as I know, this part of the battle is just like all of Ash's- it happened because it happened (example: Noctowl using confusion against the entire gym to hit Gengar in the gym battle against Morty. It worked this way just because... it's a strategy, but it's a very weak and boring one, just like using "protect.")

Quote:
Originally Posted by from Ch.4
When the Pokemon stopped at a bush with fruit similar to what the trees bore,
Cut out irrelevant details like this one here to reduce length. Simpily saying "stopping at a bush for food" is good enough. Plus, it's always better to be precise.

Girafarig and Rattata created a contradiction with each other. So wild Rattata got access to Fury Swipes (egg move) but Girafarig can't use Psychic (TM carry-over egg move)? Like, what if the Girafarig's father got psychic... watch out for your consistancy here. I'll just throw in extrasensory here because that results in an illegal moveset, and that's exactly what you want.

If all the writings are backward, then "P-UP" should be "PU-P" isn't it? heh... not a big thing at all though.

Conflict- 3/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, “good and evil” cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, “good and evil” are questionable
3 “Man vs. Man” along other conflicts, but “good and evil” are obvious
2 “Man vs. Man” only, good and evil are obvious
1 “Man vs. Man” only, ending is highly predictable

Really straightforward conflict... but as long as this mark goes up as the story progresses, I won't worry about it. So far, the only questionable "evil " is Deviri, but so far she appears more as a rival-like character (randomly attacks main party, but never do them in, and gives hints that she really didn't have to give if she's all that bad) than the great antagonist of doom.

Diction/Tone- 12/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

Quote:
Originally Posted by from Ch.4
I need this to at least lessen the pain Mariah has from a Rattata’s Fury Swipes attack.
You see, the word "at least lessen" sounds really awkward... let's use "ease" to replace it. There's some other cases of word choices like this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by from Ch.4
Although he felt strange about this, he knew it had to be done
If I just show you this sentence, where do you think I pulled it from? Sounds dramatic doesn't it? Actually, this is talking about the wet handkercheif x_x; Is this level of tone really necessary? Probably not... the focus of the handkercheif is about Mirror Mariah's kindness to Mariah, so it's suppose to sound gentle and caring. This sounds pretty tense and over dramatic...

Now is it really appropriate to use the word "rock" somewhere in the description for Iron Tail? Just because "rock" implies a rock elemental attack, Pokemon forbids this type of diction.

"Bird" obviously doesn't suffice anymore as a good terminology for the dark beings. It first appeared as a Dark Torchic so of course you can call it a bird, but then in this chapter, I think that it's time to give them a more proper name than "Bird." Afterall, Torchic seems to be only one of their many forms, so why bother naming all of them after that one single form?

Quote:
Originally Posted by from Ch.5
A noticeable thing was that Mariah was surprised by her recent powers ever since the battle with the possessed Magma Magician.
We always try to avoid "thing." It doesn't sound very nice. It's vague in definition... It's a word similar to "lol" and "cool." It sits there to fill up space and doesn't really mean anything.

Story Structure- 12/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

What Norman talked about is confusing regarding spirits, and etc etc... It certainly needs to be clarified. In my opinion, a better solution is probably to break it into multiple parts, and explain the concept slowly throughout several chapters.

Now at the end of ch.5, I just realized that I got stuck with a major confusion. Is the Dark Torchic the same as the "dark birds" or not? ; I keep thinking that they are until Deviri reveals herself, and that certainly proves how they're not the same type at all...

There are some other problems as well, but they have been mentioned already because they overlapped into another area... surely you can pick them out and you'll know what I'm talk about.

Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author’s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

Again, congratulations for being fanfiction of the month

Literal Device Bonus- + 0/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3)

Battle scenarios can be greatly improved. They make up almost all the action scenes in this fanfic, so you should pay extra attention to them. Right now, most of them are pretty short and simple except for the first encounter with Magma. It'll be great to see the wands and the Pokemon work together more often for some more strategic battling.

Total: 78/95 => 82/100
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  #16    
Old February 19th, 2006, 09:25 PM
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Very nice review. Glad I managed to stay above 80. In fact, I've only lost one point. =3

However, I do have some things to say.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
I personally think that Mirror Mariah warms up a bit too quickly to Mariah. It doesn't sound too reasonable for Mirror Mariah to tell her that she doesn't remember her life before she became the Guaridan of Hoenn. It sounds pretty private to me, and these two girls are basically strangers...
Well, she has to warm up to her some time, and I personally didn't want to have a bunch of chapters where all they do is argue about what's going on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
The sudden appearance of the Diamond Wand sounds pretty iffy... it's as if the author can't pull off a cool trick in battle using the current Pokemon at hand, so she just have to invent something to get the heroines out of the hole. To solve this problem, it's best to mention or hint the existance of items for Guardian Mariah (that sounds so much better than Mirror Mariah) to regain portions of her power, so the items don't seem to come out of nowhere.
Well, the battle was pretty much going a lot longer than expected... though I will admit that I didn't think of having the Pokemon join in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
On top of that, this wand got a conflict in terms of its name on the Pokemon department. We *all* know what the next generation of games are called, right? >>; "Blue, Yellow, Green, Red, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Pearl, Diamond" shouldn't be used for any name at all in order to avoid unintentional allusions.
I'm going to be straight-up honest about that. That rubs me the wrong way. You're saying that we can't use ANY of those words as names because it would "allude" with the games? Well, unfortunately, some people who have played every single Pokemon game and come across stuff like that in a fanfic may not think that way. If there's a large majority who feel otherwise...

[SPOIL="SEQUEL SPOILERS"]Then I'll get rid of Pearl Mariah, Ruby Connie, Sapphire Cascadia, Emerald Lyoko, their attacks and Angeri's Diamond attacks, and some of the Spirit Crystals (Lifespirit Pearl, Earthspirit Ruby, Seaspirit Sapphire, Windspirit Emerald) too. In fact, I'll cancel part 2 and go straight to part three.[/SPOIL]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
Now is it really appropriate to use the word "rock" somewhere in the description for Iron Tail?
"Attacks with a rock-hard tail. May lower defense."
That's how it describes it in the games.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
"Bird" obviously doesn't suffice anymore as a good terminology for the dark beings. It first appeared as a Dark Torchic so of course you can call it a bird, but then in this chapter, I think that it's time to give them a more proper name than "Bird." Afterall, Torchic seems to be only one of their many forms, so why bother naming all of them after that one single form?
Uh... they looked like birds in general.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
Battle scenarios can be greatly improved. They make up almost all the action scenes in this fanfic, so you should pay extra attention to them. Right now, most of them are pretty short and simple except for the first encounter with Magma. It'll be great to see the wands and the Pokemon work together more often for some more strategic battling.
I'll keep that in mind.
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  #17    
Old February 19th, 2006, 09:48 PM
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Notice how when the canon uses those terms, they're usually "balanced" by each other, or exist in some form of an equilibrium?

Example:
Ruby Plate vs Sapphire Plate (balance)
Red orb vs Blue orb (balance)

Those cases in the spoiler text *would have been fine* because you can tell how they're structured to be inter-related. However, the Diamond Wand is completely different. The opposite would have been Pearl, so you'll be expecting a Pearl Wand technically. However, it is shown to be a Crimson Wand, which breaks the balance of sort...

In this case, I'll go for a rename for "Diamond" to be an adjective that is opposite to that of "Crimson." Afterall, those two Mariahs are complete opposites of each other in everything else, so how come their items' names aren't direct opposite of each other too?
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  #18    
Old February 19th, 2006, 10:43 PM
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Frosty! You kinda owe me a review for my story...>>
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  #19    
Old February 20th, 2006, 07:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
Those cases in the spoiler text *would have been fine* because you can tell how they're structured to be inter-related. However, the Diamond Wand is completely different. The opposite would have been Pearl, so you'll be expecting a Pearl Wand technically. However, it is shown to be a Crimson Wand, which breaks the balance of sort...

In this case, I'll go for a rename for "Diamond" to be an adjective that is opposite to that of "Crimson." Afterall, those two Mariahs are complete opposites of each other in everything else, so how come their items' names aren't direct opposite of each other too?
In all honesty, it doesn't make too much sense.
Would you be expecting "Pearl" to be associated with a devil-like character? Not really.

Plus, I don't think "Diamond" would always have to be paired up with "Pearl".

And yes, while I know I'll be violating canon with the colors, it's not that big of a deal. You're basically saying that red should always go with blue, yellow, and green. No red and black, no black and blue, and other stuff like that.

EDIT: I forgot to mention something...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostweaver
The sudden appearance of the Diamond Wand sounds pretty iffy... it's as if the author can't pull off a cool trick in battle using the current Pokemon at hand, so she just have to invent something to get the heroines out of the hole. To solve this problem, it's best to mention or hint the existance of items for Guardian Mariah (that sounds so much better than Mirror Mariah) to regain portions of her power, so the items don't seem to come out of nowhere.
A while ago, I editted chapter 3 a bit so I can fit Angeri/Mirror Mariah's Diamond Wand in there. I originally planned that the Diamond Wand was hidden by the previous guardian and Angeri had to find it. I was pointed to that it didn't make sense, so I was forced to write it that way (and that led to the edit of chapter 3).
Plus, the Pokemon were poisoned at the time, so I doubt they could do anything until Angeri did something about it.
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Last edited by Strawberry Delcatty; February 20th, 2006 at 10:28 AM.
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  #20    
Old February 21st, 2006, 05:59 PM
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Frostweaver
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(not finished... but going to reply here to "save" what I have so far)


~The Legendarian Chronicles~ Chibi Pika


Title- 3/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

It's not a very appealing main title... It's not that different from the numerous "legendary ____" out there. Personally, I strongly suggest all writers to avoid the word "legend" in their story titles like plague.

As for the chapter titles, they aren't that attractive either. They don't suggest the seriousness that the story holds regarding the dark deeds of Team Rocket. Even the Pokemon Anime can use "Pikachu, we have a problem" as an episode title for something o_o; None of the other titles really stood out to me either.

Narrative Manner- 5/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

The narrative manner is well chosen. The beginning's 3rd person omniscient is effective to draw the readers' attention. The change to 1st person for Jade clearly seperates the background story from the actual beginning of the story very well.

Is it normal for a first person account to retell this frightening experience of being kidnapped by Team Rocket in such precise and clear detail? She isn't that old either. I doubt that a first person account can do so at a time like that. The narrator's details betray the supposed "great fear" within her.

I'm not sure if it's really such a good idea to switch to 3rd person narrative for a brief second to talk about the Rockets after Chibi unleashed the powerful attack. It defeats the purpose of the 1st person narrative to begin with- a realistic narrator who's close to action and isn't omniscient. Fortunately, this problem seems to be fixed later on in the story

Grammar/Coherence- 9/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

"the" earth... you need that article. On the other hand, species never require any article, so you just say "humans" and "Pokemon," not "the humans" and "the Pokemon."

Quote:
Originally Posted by ch.1
Entei, it was called—the Beast of the Volcano. A Legendary Pokémon of living flame.
A comma after volcano instead of period

Be careful regarding conjunctions and run-on sentences... "I assumed he was higher ranking" you need a "that" after assumed.

This story barely suffers from any grammar mistakes... the mistakes are rare and far apart from each other. I'm not going to bother quoting all of them since that will take too long. I'll quote the relatively major ones from now on. Seems like Silverblaze got most of them anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ch.4
Apparently, they weren’t, because they sure weren’t where they had been before.
No idea what this means at all...


Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

You talked about the hair on 2 seperate occassions, basically repeating the same thing in ch.1. Cut one of those sentence out.

It can be really boring that way to read 6 lines of what a Pikachu looks like, even if it is slightly different from an ordinary Pikachu...

Aija really isn't making sense with her talk on sending out multiple Pokemon at once. Well, part of it is true, but then you have a wider option for combinations in attacks, and your Pokemon can support one another easily as a group. It's a seriously flawed strategy, and this flaw continues on in Stalker's short tutorial later on as well.

I'll be quiet on Aija for now because somehow I think that she is... On another note about Aija, it doesn't seem very suitable to have Aija return for a chapter, and then she is never mentioned again at all by Jade. Afterall, Aija is/was her best friend, and after such an amazing adventure together, it only seems reasonable for Jade to bring Aija up from time to time. To me, this is quite a severe problem, as I'm even tempted to throw her into "Minor Characters" rating even though I feel that she is intended to be a major character. So far, it's easily the weakest of all major character... hope that in the future chapters, she will have a stronger character basis.

Chibi doesn't impress me as much as the signature seems to suggest... I thought that he is pretty predictable ; However, just because he is predictable, it doesn't mean that he is a bad character. An experimental Pokemon that loaths the humans for 'controlling' Pokemon? I think I see something that's purple and white...

Jade sounds underappreciated by your other viewers... I like her the most out of all major characters (yes, more than the spiky rat of electrifying doom.) Her narration can be classified as flawless after Chapter 1, and her narration is very precise and coherent to her character. I can easily envision the situation. Her narrated actions speak for herself, unlike many other narrators who lamely reads "I'm good at _______. I suck at ________." Plus, it's about time we see an original trainer who is actually terrible in battling. This negative trait of Jade actually makes her stand out above all other origianl trainers with unsurpassed realism. Great job on Jade's character!

Minor Character(s)- 7/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

Some characters, mostly Pokemon characters, also suffered a problem that the story comes to a complete halt in action just for the sake of physical descriptions... Always, always try to have something going on (like, any minor action, any verb) at the same time.

Err Stalker (yes I see him as a pretty minor character) isn't very likable of a character actually. Seems to be a great guy, but then maybe I'm just picky about it? He is described to be "ahead of his teammates" once by Jade, and he forgot to find a way for The Rebellion to communicate with one another. The way how Stalker dispatched his agents on to important missions, such as interfering with the capturing of Raikou, isn't very realistic. He talked about battling but nothing on even general guidelines to stopping Team Rocket in field missions. It resulted in great confusion among his agents... sounds too unorganized for someone of his importance in the overthrowing of Team Rocket. Well, we'll see... As a character, he seems to be rather... poorly planned in comparison to all the others. His character is so general that he doesn't stand out at all if it isn't for his (fake) name. Just compare him in Chapter 1, and in Chapter 7, and he doesn't seem the same anymore. It's as if the author changed her mind about him, and then chose to develop him in another manner half way through the story.

Rudy, Darren and Spencer are all pretty... ordinary. They're your usual cheerful little trainers pulled out from the gameboy game and the anime. They aren't that interesting if you ask me. They share the exact character as Swift and Firestorm, which is basically "no character." Darren and Spencer are definitely understandable if they are made that way, but Rudy is basically with Jade the entire time in the story, and deserves a bit of development.

Tyson is probably the best minor character. He actually has an unique character (Tyson bickering with the executive after the crash landing is gold... hilarious scene that builds character as well) unlike the other minor character. It'll be very nice to see more human characters that have their unique trait like Tyson. He deserves a Rocket Cookie for being the 2nd best human character up to Chapter 8 (1st to Jade of course.)

Ok really minor thing but it's the minor nitpicks that seperate excellent stories from legendary fanfics. Raikou is halted by Team Rocket due to their machinerys that are capable of absorbing and reflecting electric based attacks. So... what about Raikou's other attacks...? Like in Pokemon battling, it's best to consider all the moves available in the movepool, and ultilize as much of it as possible in order for action scenes to be more strategical and clever. Electric Pokemon using electric attacks? As what Lily loves to say, even in real life, "duh." If you don't think that you know the games well enough to do this, use SPP's pokedex and it will show you the Pokemon's movepools and ability traits (which is often neglected by most writers, and it should be constantly abused in order to heighten a battle's strategical setup.)

Looking forward to see more experimental Pokemon in future chapters... they'll definitely be interesting.

This fanfic, like most others, often put a heavier emphasize on the "darker" characters. They got more time to develop, and there's a higher percentage of these "dark" characters (such as the experimental Pokemon, Rocket members, and so on) who actually possess a unique character trait or personality. The good guys need some love too =( Yes, it's possible to be good and cool at the same time...

Story Details- 10/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

If it's that close to Viridian City, then it doesn't make much sense how basically no one else noticed the Rocket's attack on Entei, and the destruction of the nearby environment. It's not very believable.

When Jade is opening the confiscated pokeballs, it's really hard to believe that Razors, the Pikachu and Tyson are still continuing their battle without being even slightly distracted by the sudden appearance of an entire herde of potential enemies (and like what Jade narrated, some of them are formidable and powerful Pokemon.) It's hard to believe that Jade got the time, undistracted by the others, to open all these pokeballs and see Rudy. Don't forget that Tyson probably got weapons of his own besides Razors (or other Pokemon) that can be used to fight Jade and the confiscated Pokemon. It doesn't make sense how no one interfered or even commented on what Jade in in those... 10 paragraphs? ... Wait! The explanation came at the very end AFTER all of that happened already? Hmm we can certainly move the explanation up front.

Houndour has an illegal moveset containing Quick Attack. It's really not so thrilling to see an ordinary Pokemon with an illegal moveset =/ Try not to twist the canon unless necessary.

Karen's talk about new recruits sound pretty lax, especially about those who joined for the heck of it... it kind of clashes the tough appearnace you've made for Team Rocket in the beginning.

The battle against Umbreon isn't very realistic... Umbreon's strong trait is its great defensive ability that is comparable to those of Claydol and Weezing if we exclude type dis/advantages o_o; How did it get knocked out by 3 non-super-effective attacks shall forever be a mystery.

Nevertheless, story details are probably one of the strongest points for this fanfic. It spends a lot of time patching up plotholes from the canon with fairly satisfying reasonings and explanations. Most of the time it changed the canon to only fix it up. Small, fine details strengthens the 1st person narrative manner, and it makes everything very real. It gives good insights to how the Pokemon World functions, and even some indirect character description.

Conflict- 5/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, “good and evil” cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, “good and evil” are questionable
3 “Man vs. Man” along other conflicts, but “good and evil” are obvious
2 “Man vs. Man” only, good and evil are obvious
1 “Man vs. Man” only, ending is highly predictable

It's pretty easy to see who's good and who's bad here... However, there are numerous amount of conflicts and plotlines that are going on simultaneously, which is worth mentioning. It keeps the story alive and interesting. It's fair to say that this balances the fact that good and evil are relativley easy to find.

Diction/Tone- 13/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prologue
Darkness—few humans know what true darkness is like. There are places that lie in silence, deep under tons of water, that have never known the real blessing of light. The ancient creature knew this well, for it had spent years in solitude, biding its time until the right moment. Its piercing eyes saw all that the ocean floor had to give, and its streamlined, draconic body reflected the scarce luminosity with a purple radiation. Ancient power surged within it, and it knew when the time had come—the time that the other Legendary Pokémon had been talking about for ages.
Going to disect this first paragraph like no tomorrow... Afterall, the first paragraph is vital to persuade your readers to keep on reading.
-the first sentence got some interesting content, but its presentation can use some work. It sounds like the beginning of an explanation as if this is an essay, and it lacks strength... essays are never interesting to read.
-"tons of water" is very casual and also lacks strength. Use "within the depths" instead of "deep under tons of water" to emphasize the mysterious atmosphere.
-the legendary's ancient power doesn't have much to do with its knowledge on "the time." I'll put this fact in with the previous sentence, or start a new one.
-the last sentence is a very weak ending compare to the rest of the paragraph. Again, stay away from words that imply a casual tone such as "talked about." Generally, if a word has a very vague definition (eg. stuff, thing, talk, say) then it's probably very casual in tone. If the word has a specific yet abstract meaning, it is the word you're looking for.
You'll probably want to keep up the seriousness throughout the section where the narrator talks of the legendary creature.

"That was as it was" has so many "was" that it sounds repetitive. Always strive to use a word no more than once in a sentence, even if it is an article or a basic verb like "is."

There are some other words that can be replaced by a more specific word. An example... "The ground started to sink, revealing a sort of ramp that led downward into darkness." The word "descend" can easily replace "led downward" and "descend" is a stronger word in tone as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ch.2
Maybe that influenced the fact that it seemed to loathe every living thing in sight.
Again, watch out if the same word is used multiple times in a sentence. "That" is repeated here, and it should be replaced.

Ok this is happening a bit too often... out of all the repetitive words, "and" seems to be the worse of them. Try using other conjunctions to replace "and."

I find less and less things to pick on regarding diction as I progress through the story. Obviously, this section seems to be improving rather quickly, which is always a good sign.

Story Structure- 13/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prologue
It involved eight members of the order of the Legendary Pokémon and a pact between them and eight unknown humans. Doing the math rapidly in its head, it realized that there were only seven years left.
It sounds really awkward and out of place... Is it even necessary to reveal the secret pact so early in the story? It's a dead hint that half of this story will involve the "reawakening" of the 8 legendaries, and how each of them will come to their rightful human partner. Even if that is incorrect, it can't be far off. I'll cut the entire section out regarding who is involved. As for the time, the "mental math" part again weakens the tone...

As for what happened with the Dark Crystal before the explosion, you completely lost me there... I'm pretty confused about it =/ That part can use some clarity. In this section, the prophecy is mentioned again, but it appeared at a time that it seems almost as if it's completely irrelevant. Usually, writers use mythical or legendary prophecies in order to heighten the suspense or the seriousness of a situation, but it failed to do so here.

Besides for the Dark Crystal, everything is pretty well planned out in terms of plot. This story has an interesting way to start, and new kinds of danger constantly appears to keep the action going.

Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author’s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

Literal Device Bonus- + 2/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony 1/2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme 1/3)

Total- 87/100


Don't give up that this story didn't score into the 90s. I certainly see the potential of this story shooting into that range. The story is still early in development, and I personally sense that it won't be Chibi, but probably Aija, who holds the potential to bring this story to a new height in popularity (provided that they aren't scared of this story's length ;p) I wonder if anyone else saw something "strange" about Aija, or am I just thinking about it too much? Either way, I place my bet on her.

Definitely, this story got a lot of potential... keep it going!

Last edited by Frostweaver; March 3rd, 2006 at 03:56 AM.
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  #21    
Old February 21st, 2006, 06:40 PM
Chibi Pika's Avatar
Chibi Pika
Nya?
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Hiding from responsibilities
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Nature: Timid
I suppose it may be too early to reply since you're not done, but what the hey.
Quote:
Going to disect this first paragraph like no tomorrow... Afterall, the first paragraph is vital to persuade your readers to keep on reading.
-the first sentence got some interesting content, but its presentation can use some work. It sounds like the beginning of an explanation as if this is an essay, and it lacks strength... essays are never interesting to read.
-"tons of water" is very casual and also lacks strength. Use "within the depths" instead of "deep under tons of water" to emphasize the mysterious atmosphere.
-the legendary's ancient power doesn't have much to do with its knowledge on "the time." I'll put this fact in with the previous sentence, or start a new one.
-the last sentence is a very weak ending compare to the rest of the paragraph. Again, stay away from words that imply a casual tone such as "talked about." Generally, if a word has a very vague definition (eg. stuff, thing, talk, say) then it's probably very casual in tone. If the word has a specific yet abstract meaning, it is the word you're looking for.
You'll probably want to keep up the seriousness throughout the section where the narrator talks of the legendary creature.
I wrote that paragraph two years ago, and I have no idea why it hasn't been shredded through revision like the rest of the fic. Ah well, I'll edit most of those things. The last sentence is particularly bugging me now. ><
Quote:
"That was as it was" has so many "was" that it sounds repetitive. Always strive to use a word no more than once in a sentence, even if it is an article or a basic verb like "is."
Argh, I thought I killed that sentence in Revision 8 >< I guess not oO;
Quote:
Is it even necessary to reveal the secret pact so early in the story? It's a dead hint that half of this story will involve the "reawakening" of the 8 legendaries, and how each of them will come to their rightful human partner. Even if that is incorrect, it can't be far off.
Not really. It's one of those background info type things. Not trying to be defensive, but readers knowing that is necessary, but doesn't really reveal much at all.

I'm not sure how to defend the title. It's mostly symbolic of a plotline that comes in much later in the fic, mainly concerning the events that happened a thousand years ago.

In any case, I hate the prologue. Were it not for its absolute necessity as far as backstory and forshadowing, I would've changed it ages ago. Is it alright if I please, please, please request that you at least read chapter one before posting the full review?

*Runs off to edit stuffs and crud ><*
EDIT: I changed some stuff, not sure if I made it better or not...

~Chibi~
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Last edited by Chibi Pika; February 23rd, 2006 at 06:13 AM.
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  #22    
Old March 3rd, 2006, 08:36 AM
Chibi Pika's Avatar
Chibi Pika
Nya?
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Hiding from responsibilities
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Nature: Timid
I'm gonna post my new comments as a separate post so it gets noticed *shot for double posting* ><


Quote:
I'll be quiet on Aija for now because somehow I think that she is... On another note about Aija, it doesn't seem very suitable to have Aija return for a chapter, and then she is never mentioned again at all by Jade. Afterall, Aija is/was her best friend, and after such an amazing adventure together, it only seems reasonable for Jade to bring Aija up from time to time. To me, this is quite a severe problem, as I'm even tempted to throw her into "Minor Characters" rating even though I feel that she is intended to be a major character. So far, it's easily the weakest of all major character... hope that in the future chapters, she will have a stronger character basis.
Mentioned in later chapters...I suppose I could do that... In any case she does come into the story again later.

Quote:
If it's that close to Viridian City, then it doesn't make much sense how basically no one else noticed the Rocket's attack on Entei, and the destruction of the nearby environment. It's not very believable.
Garr, I discovered that a long time ago and have been trying to think of ways to fix it while hoping that no one noticed in the meantime... >< In any case, I think I just figured out a possible way...

Quote:
When Jade is opening the confiscated pokeballs, it's really hard to believe that Razors, the Pikachu and Tyson are still continuing their battle without being even slightly distracted by the sudden appearance of an entire herde of potential enemies (and like what Jade narrated, some of them are formidable and powerful Pokemon.) It's hard to believe that Jade got the time, undistracted by the others, to open all these pokeballs and see Rudy. Don't forget that Tyson probably got weapons of his own besides Razors (or other Pokemon) that can be used to fight Jade and the confiscated Pokemon. It doesn't make sense how no one interfered or even commented on what Jade in in those... 10 paragraphs? ... Wait! The explanation came at the very end AFTER all of that happened already? Hmm we can certainly move the explanation up front.
Aha, yet another job for the magic-fix-it-stick! (I've had to use this thing way too much lately ><) *makes a mental note to prod those paragraphs later to magically fix them.*

Quote:
Houndour has an illegal moveset containing Quick Attack. It's really not so thrilling to see an ordinary Pokemon with an illegal moveset =/ Try not to twist the canon unless necessary.
Err...oops. XP I wasn't going for that *will edit* XP

Quote:
Karen's talk about new recruits sound pretty lax, especially about those who joined for the heck of it... it kind of clashes the tough appearnace you've made for Team Rocket in the beginning.
Actually, about a week ago I noticed that but for some reason i've just been too lazy to fix it ><

Quote:
Chibi doesn't impress me as much as the signature seems to suggest... I thought that he is pretty predictable ; However, just because he is predictable, it doesn't mean that he is a bad character. An experimental Pokemon that loaths the humans for 'controlling' Pokemon? I think I see something that's purple and white...
I dunno, I wouldn't think of him as loathing humans...maybe...I dunno, he gets devloped more when he comes back into the story...
Quote:
Err Stalker (yes I see him as a pretty minor character) isn't very likable of a character actually. Seems to be a great guy, but then maybe I'm just picky about it? He is described to be "ahead of his teammates" once by Jade, and he forgot to find a way for The Rebellion to communicate with one another. The way how Stalker dispatched his agents on to important missions, such as interfering with the capturing of Raikou, isn't very realistic. He talked about battling but nothing on even general guidelines to stopping Team Rocket in field missions. It resulted in great confusion among his agents... sounds too unorganized for someone of his importance in the overthrowing of Team Rocket. Well, we'll see... As a character, he seems to be rather... poorly planned in comparison to all the others. His character is so general that he doesn't stand out at all if it isn't for his (fake) name. Just compare him in Chapter 1, and in Chapter 7, and he doesn't seem the same anymore. It's as if the author changed her mind about him, and then chose to develop him in another manner half way through the story.
As for the problems concerning the way he runs the team, those I can fix.
As for his character...well...*shuts up quickly.*
Quote:
Tyson is probably the best minor character. He actually has an unique character (Tyson bickering with the executive after the crash landing is gold... hilarious scene that builds character as well) unlike the other minor character. It'll be very nice to see more human characters that have their unique trait like Tyson. He deserves a Rocket Cookie for being the 2nd best human character up to Chapter 8 (1st to Jade of course.)
Wow...that was unexpected. oO; Actually that argument was more intended to be hidden plot than character development. Woosh

Meh, I gotta go, bell just rang >> I'll add other comments later today *is very thankful that you didn't notice the uber-plot hole in chapter 3 XP*

~Chibi~
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Last edited by Chibi Pika; March 3rd, 2006 at 10:39 AM.
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  #23    
Old March 3rd, 2006, 01:01 PM
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Frostweaver
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Major plothole? You mean like, a living Aerodactyl processed by a super young and not-so-famous trainer? Aija seems to have suddenly return, yet after the battle Aija and Jade act like they have always been together. Why would Jade moving to New Bark Town affect Aija at all really? My take on it is that Aija herself is highly questionable, and if anything, she's <censored just in case if Frosty predicts wrongly.> If my guess is right, then it'll explain a lot of Aija's awkwardness.

As Silverblaze mentioned, there does seem to be a period of time where the Rockets aren't battling Jade's party at all. But then, there's still Espeon and Aerodactyl out there against the Rockets even though it's not mentioned. It's first person narrative. If the narrator shifts her focus away from the battle on to something else, then of course it's not going to be mentioned even if it is still on-going, right?

So, what is the "major plothole" in chapter 3 anyway?
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  #24    
Old March 3rd, 2006, 03:33 PM
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Frostweaver
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Age: 25
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Nature: Calm
Smitten, by Akinari


Title- 5/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

Nothing much to say here except that it's original (I can't recall any other "Smitten") and it fits. The title is even used in the later part of the story. Oneshots always have an advantage that it's easier to find a suitable title.

Narrative Manner- 5/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

1st person narrative shows the initial shock that Yellow is crossdressing better than all the other narratives. It is a perfect choice.

Grammar/Coherence- 7/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

Quote:
I didn’t know he was this serious.
"that he was serious."

Quote:
It was afternoon that day that
the second "that" needs to be a "when." Not only is it grammatically inaccurate, it looks bad for diction as well. We always try to avoid using the same word two times in the same sentence in narration (a few words are exceptions to this rule, of course, but "that" isn't one of them.)

Quote:
But it went awfully fast to me.
that's an incomplete sentence... "But" is a conjunction, but this sentence isn't hooking up with anything... You can get around this with a comma after "but" because this is first narrative.

Verb tenses shouldn't jump back and forth... verb tenses should always stay in the past tense unless the action continues on from back then all the way up until now.

Green used past tense in this entire narration, so why would he talk about "tonight" when it's actually in the past? Use "that night" instead.

Quote:
But then her explanation was quite believable.
"But" suggests a change in idea from one side to another... nothing changed here though, so why use it? It doesn't make much sense.

There's even more sentences that aren't independent and needs to join with each other... try to fix those ones. For a short story of this length, there can be a lot less grammar mistakes...

Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

Again, it's a near flawless section for this story. Yellow barely talks so how hard is it to portrait her accurately, especially when she is pretty stereotypical as a shy little girl in the manga. So there's nothing much to say about her here. I only read synopsis of the manga so I'm not sure if Yellow really uses "______-sama" that much, so I'll ignore that one.

As for Green, I'm not sure if I'm really hearing Green or is Frosty hearing "Niko" narrating in the middle of the story? Remember that it's first person, so you will have to try to write as Green rather than yourself. I'm very sure that the numerous account of "eyes" (that word is used more than any other noun excluding pronouns in the story too) meeting then sparkle is such a typical Niko-style writing, and I'm pretty sure that Green doesn't record these kinds of details (or at least, not talk about eyes and eyes meeting THAT much.) I know that the point of the oneshot is to see how Green softens up to Yellow on that night, then toughens up again, but that is getting slightly out of hand. I'm pretty sure that Green doesn't think exactly like you even though I only read synopsis about the manga, and if he does like Yellow, he'll like her more than just "eyes" "dazzing eyes" and "blue eyes" (YGO pun not intended.) I'm pretty sure that if Green likes Yellow, it'll be for her character, and how she summons up her courage for the task at hand even though she basically has none. You did talk about it a bit, but it's nowhere as developed as "the eyes." I'll strongly recommand you to shift the attention from "the eyes" to talk more about Yellow's character, and how that is likable in Green's perceptions.

The ending of the story is very well done. It's very believable for Green to handle the situation in this exact same manner.

No marks are given based on multi-facets because the characters are not original, and that the oneshot is trying to portrait the characters to be as close as those of the original. So, no marks loss even though Yellow has basically only two facets (and Blue gave her one of the two, so one of them isn't even really hers,) less than all the manga characters.

Minor Character(s)- omit/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

No minor characters, so omit

Story Details- 8/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

Nothing too much to say here... it's basically rewriting a very short and specific scene from the manga, with the author adding what he thinks will be running through Green's mind at that moment. It's so closely tied in with character, so just look back up there. Since this is a romance story and it's in first person narrative as well, all details come from the character...

Conflict- 5/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, “good and evil” cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, “good and evil” are questionable
3 “Man vs. Man” along other conflicts, but “good and evil” are obvious
2 “Man vs. Man” only, good and evil are obvious
1 “Man vs. Man” only, ending is highly predictable

Obviously, the "good and evil" objective can't be applied here so ignore that from the marking guide... How else can you write conflicts for a romance story besides this? There's the "triangle" relationship, and internal problem (and Green decided to give up the relationship because his duty is more important.) So, this story got them all. Very tempting to just omit it cause it seems like this fanfic is stealing so much marks from me...

Diction/Tone- 13/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

"get warmth" works grammatically but it sounds so awkward to say that I just have to throw it here... ;;

Green keeps shifting between apprentice and student for Yellow... now usually we do try to use different words so everything is not as boring, but in this case I think that you should consider being more consistent in student or apprentice. The word that's chosen reveals what Green thinks of Yellow. Student is closer, while apprentice is farther away, and for a romance story, these words that hint on a relationship is quite important.

As we mentioned already, all the "eye"-talk doesn't fit very well as a tone for Green, even when he softens... tone builds the backbone for a romance story, so again, refer all the way back up there in character.

Quote:
It took a second and a half before I realized at what I was looking at.
the "second and a half" sounds a bit too specific isn't it? Let's not distract the readers from the main juicy stuff, and replace it with a vague term for time.

Story Structure- omit/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

It's such a short, specific scene from the manga that what can I possibly say about story structure... omit

Effort- 8/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author’s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

Even if you're bad at the tenses and conjunctions, surely as a fanfic mod, you can do it ;p

Literal Device Bonus- + 0/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3)

Total- 66/75 => 85/100

Last edited by Frostweaver; March 3rd, 2006 at 10:42 PM.
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  #25    
Old March 4th, 2006, 02:31 PM
Chibi Pika's Avatar
Chibi Pika
Nya?
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Hiding from responsibilities
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Nature: Timid
Quote:
Major plothole? You mean like, a living Aerodactyl processed by a super young and not-so-famous trainer? Aija seems to have suddenly return, yet after the battle Aija and Jade act like they have always been together. Why would Jade moving to New Bark Town affect Aija at all really? My take on it is that Aija herself is highly questionable, and if anything, she's <censored just in case if Frosty predicts wrongly.> If my guess is right, then it'll explain a lot of Aija's awkwardness.
Yarg >>
The Aerodactyl thing gets explained later.

In any case, I'm pretty sure I know what your prediction is. Now I'm scared of what's gonna happen when you read chapters 15-17...ack, and 19 >< *hides under rock.* *Gets driven out from under the rock by an angry mob of readers demanding chapter 16.*

Silverwing: Chibi, if you keep talking to him, LC will spontaneously explode >>
Too late. *Grabs pieces of LC and a humongous bottle of glue.* Clear!!! Must save the dying ficcy!!!!!!!
Silverwing: Ironic. A year ago she said, and I quote: "I need to get Frostweaver to tear LC to shreds so I can take my magic-fix-it-glue-and make it even better."
Quote:
So, what is the "major plothole" in chapter 3 anyway?
In chapter 9, there's a quote where Chibi says that he only beat Team Rocket as a fluke because he was filled with Pichu's electricity. When I first wrote chapter 3, I was focusing on Chibi's uber-power, but then I started focusing on his weaknesses later. If he only won becuase he had Pichu's power, then there's no real reason why he had to be the one to use Discharge. Pichu could have just done it the second Ajia got there. And there's no way to just say that Pichu couldn't do Discharge, 'cause she had to be able to in order to channel her energy to Chibi. *_* I asked all my readers to help me fix it, but no one could come up with anything.

~Chibi~
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