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  #1    
Old January 19th, 2006 (11:59 AM). Edited January 19th, 2006 by Barrysun.
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This is inspired by two Mr. T vs team rocket comics and many other Mr.T vs comics.
this should be fun...

------at a Youth Center-----------

Team Rocket is stealing Milk from the youth center's milk celler where there is alot of milk in it.
Jessie: oh yea! we are so going to put this job off without anybody
stopping us!
James: gets out a bag or oreos I just can't wait to dunk my
cookies in milk!
Meowth: I got a better idea, we'll give all this milk stright to the boss.
He'll be very big and strong and he might give us a raise.
>as team rocket went off with the milk, little they don't know that
one of the kids was watching them.
Kid: oh no! those guys are stealing our milk! I better call Mr.T about
this!

------at Mr. T's house-----------------

>Mr. T just got out of bed and he got a phone call from the kid.
Mr. T: What? those Team rocket suckas are stealing milk from the youth center?
don't worry, I'll take care of those fools!
>With that, Mr. T got dressed and got into his Van and went to the
Youth Center in hopes to catch team rocket before they could get away.

------outside the youth center--------
Team Rocket has stashed their stolen milk and is already in their balloon.
Jessie: this is like taking candy from a baby!
James: yea. noticed a van below him say.. isn't that a 1982 GMC custom van?
Jessie and Meowth: a 1982 GMC custom van?
Meowth: meowth... isn't that Mr.T's van... we better get out of here before he gets us!
Mr.T: from below Alright, team rocket, it's time for you fools to feel pain!
Jessie: Oh yea? what are you going to do about it? we're all the way up here
and you're down there, how are you going to get us down here?
>one of the kids came to Mr.T with a dart.
Kid: here Mr. T, you should throw this dart at their balloon and pop it.
Mr.T: thanks.
>Mr. T takes the dart from the kid and threw it at Team Rocket's balloon and
pops it.
Team Rocket: Not again...
>as they fell to the ground, the bag full of milk was dropping to the ground
and out of nowhere, they fell slowly to the ground.
Mr. T: now how did that happened?
in a tree near the youth center...
Mewfie has used her psychic to make the milk fall solfly to the ground.
Mewfie: those fools are about to get a one way ticket to spiceworld...
>> Mr.T grabsTeam Rocket andstarted beatting up them up.
Mr.T: you fools should know better then stealing Milk from little kids!
Jessie: dame, thisMr.T characteris Helluva tough!
Mr. T: It's time for you fools to fly!
>He grabs them and throws them FAR away.
Team Rocket: it looks like team rocket's blasting off again! ding
Mr.T and don't come back! turns to the kids now that those fools are gone, how about
we all go inside and drink some milk.

------------meanwhile, at a faraway planet--------

Jessie: man that Mr.T can throw Helluva far...
James: yea, but I wonder where we are at...
>then an old man showed up to talk to them.
The guy: welcome to spiceworld where all the horrible sound and music
is all hear!
Team rocket: Oh no! starts crying

-----------back on earth---------------

Mr.T and the kids are drinking their milk.
Mr.T: nothing is better then drinking a nice cold glass of milk.
>Then Myotismon showed up.
Myotismon: I like blood better. I'm going to suck you dry, T!
>Mr.T just grabs him and throws him to spaceworld.
Mr.T: don't even think about comming back here, Myoitsucka!

----------at spiceworld---------

Jessie: so nice of you to join us...
James: and now we are all traped here with the spice girls!
Myotismon: dame that Mr.T can throw far...

----------back on earth----------

Mewfie: I beleve my job here is done...
Then Syndrome showed up.
Syndrome: I'm going to distory that youth center and take over the world..
Mewfie: grabs Syndrome I don't know why... you are a sicko, Syndrome...
uses her psychic power to throw Syndrome far away.

---------at spiceworld------------

Syndrome: dame that Mewfie CAN throw far...
Meowth: would someone please end this already!

The end

I hope you enjoy this one...
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  #2    
Old January 19th, 2006 (12:46 PM).
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One-->don't use script, it bleeds people's eyes.
Two-->lacking in description, length, etc.
Three-->no plot.

This calls for a closing.
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Old January 19th, 2006 (02:41 PM).
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No one tells me to close anything except Lily...>>

Anyways, it's better off that you avoid scripts as it makes your story look very immature, and there seems to be no plot at all. Are you trying to intend this to be a comedy? Anyways, it's better that you read these:

http://pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=46646
http://pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=27806
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  #4    
Old January 19th, 2006 (02:48 PM).
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well, I guess I should just avoid fanfiction and stick with just posting in threads.
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  #5    
Old January 19th, 2006 (04:10 PM).
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Quote originally posted by niichan~:
No one tells me to close anything except Lily...>>
Niko, close your mouth! >O

No, I'm kidding.

Quote originally posted by Ratiosu:
One-->don't use script, it bleeds people's eyes.
Two-->lacking in description, length, etc.
Three-->no plot.
At least justify your reasons and give the writer some advices, y'know?

Script isn't necessarily bad, so as long as you use it properly. If you don't, then yes, it does make the piece look childish. Learn proper script formatting and such, and I apologize profusely for not knowing it myself. I don't do scripts. XD

Remember that script is no way to escape true prose and/or laziness. Paragraphs aren't that hard to write.

Oh, and go to the links the kind (cough) moderator has given you. Don't say you'll avoid fanfiction because people critiqued you. Use the information, make something out of it, and throw it right back. >=D

Good luck ~
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  #6    
Old January 20th, 2006 (06:49 AM).
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Sorry, I usually do give good reviews but this was...teal (my color code for terrible, needs so much more description) all over. So, it would be kinda pointless. But I see what you're saying Lily And Akinari, I wasn't telling you to close it ; I was just saying it probably would need to be closed by a mod. Sorry ;
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