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  #1    
Old May 5th, 2006 (01:07 PM). Edited May 7th, 2006 by Latias,the happy.
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I asked in the fanfiction lounge what type of fanfic I should do.Someone decided I should do what I feel like or something,and another wants a dramatic story.I want this fanfic to be a funny and dramatic one.Well,I hope you don't mind me not introducing the main cast!

Chapter 1
The Journey Begins!
One day on Seven Island,a young Azurill sat on the riverbank.He sat with his friend,a Vulpix.
"My family says that a war is coming.The people say that unless someone does something about it,the town in the grass will be demolished!They also say that a certain group of Pokemon will be sent to stop them."The Azurill payed no attention,gazing into the water.The Vulpix started poking him.
"What is it!?"he asked,very annoyed.
"Well,just in case,what should we do,Sam?"asked the Vulpix,named Kara.
"Don't ask me.Go down to the wise old Alakazam."Sam answered.But Kara felt unsafe.
"Shouldn't I do something different,like reading some mystical book or something?"asked Kara.
"Do what that king says.Heck,I don't care if he tells you to eat a bunch of cupcakes."Sam said.The Vulpix walked off,heading towards the Aincent Palace.Inside,she saw an Alakazam,sitting on his tall throne.
"Your Highness,what should we do to prevent the war?"Kara asked the king,who was named Chris.
"What you shall do is go to the store and buy some cupcakes."said the king,looking as if he got hit in the head by some kind of rock.
"I thought you were wise.What happened?"she asked the not-so-wise king.
"I have been feeling a bit odd,lately.I got hit by rocks yesterday,I believe."he answered."That must have been Rock Blast,and I know only one pokemon in this village that would play such tricks on the king!I'm getting Sam to help me fight him."Kara said,walking off.

What do you think?Feel free to create characters or make chapters.Also,you may tell me anything I need to change in the future.
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  #2    
Old May 6th, 2006 (01:24 PM).
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Since no one cares about posting in this fanfic,I might make a new one someday soon.If you do feel like posting,do it if it makes sense.
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  #3    
Old May 6th, 2006 (04:46 PM).
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You know, it once took several days for a fanfiction of mine to be reviewed (on Fanfiction.net, no less, which is bursting with activity constantly), so I really don't think it's right to say that no one cares about your work when you've only waited a day. =/

That said, tip: If I can fit the entire chapter on half my screen, it's most likely not long enough unless you were intending on writing a drabble.

Putting that aside, I really recommend that you take more care in writing. Proofread, use paragraphs, put spaces after punctuation in sentences, avoid overusing exclamation points... That sort of thing. I'd recommend using a beta-reader, or someone who can help you read and proofread a story.

Grammar aside, I found it a bit hard to take the story seriously. In times where it's supposed to be dramatic (as you said before the chapter began), you have an Azurill shouting at the main character, a "wise" Alakazam named Chris, and the recipe to preventing a war being the same as one to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of course, we, the readers, have no idea why the war is happening or what indication there is that there is going to be a war. Your storyline also had a very rushed feel to it, and rather than getting into the heads of the characters and fleshing out the world around them and the turmoil inside them, you pretty much have them as puppets flashing from scene to scene (that apparently take less than a minute to occur, each). Slow down, take your time, and try to get in-depth with the characters, if that makes sense.
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  #4    
Old May 7th, 2006 (01:18 PM).
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Thanks!I'll edit it.By the way,I only have an hour max to do a chapter or two.(My mom says so.)I can't think of any better names,though.It's supposed to be a bit funny,and a bit dramatic.That's one reason why I want help from other people.You can do a chapter right now,for all I care.
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Old May 7th, 2006 (02:19 PM).
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very interesting start i like it. Are you going to make some more chapters?
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Old May 10th, 2006 (02:08 PM).
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I'll have new chapters every week!Just remember you can make some,too
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  #7    
Old May 13th, 2006 (01:50 PM). Edited June 3rd, 2006 by Latias,the happy.
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If you can't post twice,I'm sorry BUT I have a chapter!Read before you judge.

Chapter 2

Damien,the Trickster Part 1

Coming out of the palace,Kara wandered around the windy trail,trying to find the pokemon that hurt Chris. She looked in the tall bushes,in the sky,in a Parasect's mouth,but still she saw nothing. The grass swayed below her feet,and the time was slowly running out. Since she was near a fellow pokemon,Parasect,she asked it for help.

"Excuse me,Mr.Grove?"she asked him,knowing him from her village."Well,the king,he got hit in the head with rocks yesterday. I'm...just wondering exactly why it happened and how."Kara asked him."If you have any information,I'd be happy to hear it."

"My memory's a little hazy,but I'll help you the best I can. I was walking down to the seashore on any ordinary day,the pokemon playing and the flowers dancing,when I dissapeared !There was,I believe,a crazy turtle,some grey rhinos,and...th...there was... you."Mr.Grove said.

"Okay,first of all,that had nothing to do with Chris or headaches. Second,I was nowhere near you at the time. How could I be there if I wasn't there?"Kara said,confused. Suddenly,a noise came from the bushes. An angry Geodude rose,catching sight of Kara. Neither of the pokemon saw him,as they were busy in the conversation.

"Kara,you devil,I will get you someday..."He flew towards Kara. He approached her slowly and silently,being careful not to disturb her. He fell down,hurting his face and making a loud noise. This certainly caught Kara's attention.

"Damien!"

"Kara!"

"Okay,Damien. I challenge you to a 2-on-2 battle!"Kara announced. Damien looked in the not-so-far distance,spotting a black figure in the grass.

"Very well,then. I'll take Bob,the Sneasel. And you?"Damien said.

"Uh...ummm.....hmmmm......Sam's kind of a Slowpoke-ish kinda guy,so I'll choose Mr.Grove over there."Kara said,raising a front paw. Damien shook it.

"Let's battle!"

The drama-ish parts:coming soon!
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Old May 20th, 2006 (03:56 PM).
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I've got chap.2!(As you can see,I will put only exclamation marks at the end of attacks,and I'll take it easy on them.)

Chapter 3

Damien,the Trickster Part 2

The sun shone bright on the four pokemon as they got in position,focusing their moves just the right way to make a make a good hit.

Kara practiced her Ember,scorching the stone slabs around the palace path. Mr.Grove had very low speed even for his level,despite this fact he practiced Slashing himself in the time limit they had to start their battle. Damien tried his Rock Slide on another slab of rock. This toppled the stone over,causing quite a loud noise. Bob targeted a small Aipom and used Crush Claw on it. This gave him a bit of expierience,as he knocked out the monkey.

Aipom:0/11

Kara was ready to announce the start the battle,but she caught sight of Bob and the defenseless Aipom.
"Hey,that's not fair! You'd better give up or I'll make you in battle!" Kara screamed with great fury.
"Actually,that isn't fair,Bob. I'm willin' to bet you're going down first!"Mr.Grove said,agreeing with her.
"The bad guys always win,sooner or later. I figured I'd get a head start before battle. If you two losers go out,I'll be prepared for the next one!"Bob said,specifically to Kara.
"Let the battle begin!"Kara chanted.
"I'll go first! Slash!!"Mr.Grove said. He jumped and attempted to slash Bob,but he was too slow. He rolled over on his side,wiggling.
"Heat Wave!"Kara said,shooting out ferocios flames at Damien,who was just fine,and Bob,who was dizzy due to his weakness of Fire.

Bob:11/27 Damien:30/32

Damien had still taken damage,not enough to forfit. Bob struggled on the daffodil lying on the ground. Bob managed to get up,but he had a giant scorch mark on his forehead."Errrr..."he said,about to faint already."...Crush...Claw!"Bob said,running as fast as possible towards Mr.Grove. He scratched his mushroom shell,decreasing his defense by 1.

Mr.Grove:123/124

"You forgot my level in comparison to yours. I'm a level 60 pokemon,just I'm too slow to make effective moves."Mr.Grove said with a glare in his eye."Plus,you're Poisoned."he added.

"Rock Slide!"Damien said,launching out rocks from his hands. Luckily,they both dodged the attack.

Bob:8/27

This time,Kara managed to go first.
"Ember!"she said,burning Bob. He fainted quickly.

Bob:0/27

Kara left Bob on the flowers he fainted on,though Damien grew angry. He started to charge up power in his fist.
"Kara,if you don't want to get punched in the face,get under my shell."Mr.Grove said,afraid that Kara might faint and possibly die if she were to be punched by Damien with that velocity."Protect!"he said,glowing as if he were to evolve. Damien tried to stop,he knew that Protect would wear off after a while. But it was too late. He already Mega Punched the hard shell.
"Giga Drain!"Mr.Grove called,using a super effective move against Damien.

Mr.Grove:124/124 Damien:0/32

Damien landed on the ground,paralyzed.

"Great job,Mr.Grove.Well,I better get going and heal Damien to find out what happened."Kara said.

"Goodbye,Kara!"Mr.Grove said,waving.

If you anything to say,post it(almost)freely.
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  #9    
Old May 20th, 2006 (04:35 PM).
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Hey there. I agree with what Kazeto said about your fan fic and I'm happy to see you're actually taking the advice to make your story better.

Perhaps, If you're still offering, I could write a chapter for you. I'm not perfect but i wouldn't mind helping out if you think I could that.
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Old May 20th, 2006 (05:14 PM).
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Naminé thinks that perhaps Ms.Latias, the happy should look at some of the available guides for writing fanfiction that are available around. It was rather difficult for Naminé to understand some part, since the story is moving very fast paced, before she can fully understand what is going on. It never interests Naminé too much if she only sees dialogues after dialogues, without any narration in terms of what a character look like, how a character feel and such. She also has no concept of what the setting is like either.

Therefore, Naminé thinks that Ms. Latias, the happy should take some time to greatly develop some details in narration, and not only let characters talk as if this is an anime where readers see what is going on anyway. Since everything is dependent on reading, Ms. Latias, the happy must use her words to describe the scenery and everything else that she envisions in her mind~
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Old May 20th, 2006 (07:58 PM).
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Well, I have to say that this is good so far. Though I agree with the others, description is everything in a story. Without it, it would be like a cake without frosting, unless you like that which is totally weird! Seriously, who eats cake without frosting!? Sorry, the thought scared me... Another thing, I know your mom only lets you be on the internet for a little bit (or however it works) but may I suggest something? You can do two things: 1) You can tell your mom to shove it, which could get you in major trouble, best not to do that... or 2) Type/write your story before hand and then copy and paste on here, which can avoid you getting grounded and can make it so your story can be much, much longer then it is right now. Also, I would like to point out the way your sentences kind of stick together. Kind of like this:

I love foxes.They are red and smell like cake.Maybe I'll kiss one.

You should try to make it like this:

I love foxes. They are red and smell like cake. Maybe I'll kiss one.

See how it looks kind of like it's not glued together? It makes it nice looking.

To help you with the description thing, you can always read a really good book that you like a lot and study the way the author writes his/her description. Oh, and back story before hand would be cool, BUT if that's like a thing you want to do or something then keep it in the dark. It might be super huge and cool that you don't want us to know yet!

Sorry if I upset you or something. I know sometimes when people really nail my stories to death I feel like they just killed me. So yeah, sorry if I did.

Anyway, it looks like it will be an interesting story. And if you really want me to write some chapters I would love to. But, you should at least tell me what is going to happen (secretly of course) that way I don't nuke your story to death. Keep it up!
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  #12    
Old May 23rd, 2006 (01:31 PM).
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Skitty-chan,do you mean like this:

Pikachu is fun and squishy. I'd like to have one as a pet.

And if you'd like to make a chapter,please ask me and I'll PM you about expectations.Also,does that mean that I'll have to edit my posts?(I wrote down the 2nd and 3rd chapters.)
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  #13    
Old May 24th, 2006 (08:00 AM).
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Okay, guys, seeing as my fan fiction days are virtually over or suspended indefinitely due to lack of reader response amongst other things, I might as well try and help other people who are having their stories read get better. So, Latias, I’m going to help you out. I’m not sure what chapters come next so what I’m going to do is re-write the first part of the first chapter the way I would’ve written it if it was one of my stories. Just so you can get a feel of what I’m talking about. I hope it doesn’t get too complicated for you and that other people will give their opinions on what’s wrong with my version of the story too.

Okay, names … I can live with Kara but Sam uh huh … I’m changing It to Samsho. King Chris… okay for now. I would change the title too as I feel it doesn’t’ say enough about the story. But anyway, here’s what I’ve got for you.

Chapter I
The Journey Begins!

The seasoned winds of a normal Seven Island day gently graced through the green land, blessing the dancing tendrils of grass with cool brushes. From the knowing heavens, a motherly golden aura befell one of the island’s peaceful riverbanks, sparkles of light gracefully smiling back up from the steady waters. Two inhabitants sat side by side before the river, with thoughtful eyes lost in appreciation of the vast blueness.

All seemed peaceful, and probably would’ve been if the intruding hint of uneasiness had not been lingering in the air. Its presence, though faint, still managed to wither doubtfulness in the mind of at least one of the river onlookers. Even the amusing reflection dancing atop the clear surface failed to bring laughter to the Vulpix’ snout.

Its ruby-brown eyes ripped away from the addictive water’s stare but found no better comfort when dawned onto the familiar Azurill sitting only inches away. How could the blue creature be so happy? The white patches on its blue cheeks were stained of nothing but joy and its small round ears wiggled playfully in the winds above its head. How could she bring herself to disrupt the Water Pokémon’s ignorant bliss?

Some things just had to be done. “Samsho…” The Azurill’s ears twitched at the name, showing the interest that its body so easily dismissed. “My family says that a war is coming. The people say that unless someone does something about it, the town will be demolished. Hopefully, the rumours of a certain group of Pokémon dispatched to stop them are true.”

As the words left her lips, the burden on the Vulpix’ sanity lessened. Whether her good friend Samsho captured the reality of her words was uncertain as his fixated eyes remained captivated by the waters. Feeling a little agitated by the lack of response, the Vulpix prodded at him with its red paw. The gesture successfully defeated any false joy resting within the Azurill.

“What is it, Kara!?” He finally spat out.

Kara felt a little disappointed with his response. Instead of counselling her worry, Samsho fuelled it with his indifference. No amount of attitude was going to prevent this war, and therefore Kara felt fit to continue pressing the matter. “Well … just in case, what should we do?”

“Don’t ask me,” he stated harshly. “Go down to the wise, old Alakazam.”

Somehow the suggestion didn’t cross Kara’s path well. “But shouldn’t I do something different? Like read a mystical book or something? Maybe I can learn something that will help us through the war.”

“Do what the King says,” Samsho responded like the faithful subject that he was. “Heck, I don’t care if he tells you to eat a bunch of cupcakes.”

Something was definitely eating him, Kara thought. Perhaps the news of the coming war wasn’t as new to him as she thought. Either way, she decided it would be best to leave his bitterness in the nursing hands of the calm river. The small red creature stood on its four paws, red tails hanging insecurely behind her. She considered Samsho one more time.

“…” Kara closed her mouth before anything it could give out would annoy her friend further. Right now, it was hopeless. Instead, she’d take his advice and search for help in the King. Painfully, she turned away from Samsho and took her leave from his aloof side.

ooOOoo

Well, what do you think? A little too dramatic? Emotional? If you’ve got anything to ask please feel free. I tried my best to keep the original dialogue in your post and just add a little detail about the characters’ emotions in between. Good? Bad? Review!
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