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  #1    
Old April 16th, 2007, 04:19 PM
slayeryu12
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Age: 23
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Nature: Adamant
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I wrote this to basically get some closure on the death of my best friend Angel

When I remember you my mind starts to stir
Cuz I don't even know what your last words were
I walked around and wondered what you would do
If you were in my position I thought it all through
I figured you would know not to dwell in the past
Theres just no time for that, life moves way to fast

Everytime I think of you my mind starts to stir
Cuz I don't even know what your last words were
I was staring at the ceiling last night while in bed
Remembering again all those things that you said
You told me you would do nothing stupid...you lied
I though about that durin that one time that i cried

When I remember you my mind starts to stir
Cuz i don't even know what your last words were
I walked around and thought that I'd see you somewhere
Till it hit me that its real...you're no longer there
I wouldn't let that be one of the times that i cried
So now rest in peace man i'll see you on the other side...
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  #2    
Old April 18th, 2007, 07:30 AM
Kyoko's Avatar
Kyoko
some things are that simple
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Gender: Female
Nature: Quiet
This poem was a bit choppy and confusing. You did keep the repitition of the first two lines which was ok, but the repetition of lines where you talk about crying and not crying is the confusing part.

You also had some grammer and spelling mistakes as well. If you fix that up and the other parts of the poem, it would be ok.

Good luck with the rest of your poems ^-^

Last edited by Kyoko; April 18th, 2007 at 07:47 AM.
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  #3    
Old April 21st, 2007, 02:42 PM
oni flygon's Avatar
oni flygon
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Bittertown
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Repetition in first two lines of paragraph is used, but to no other specific effect. Try to repeat something for emphasis, not just so that it fills the poem and it makes it look big. Although your poem has structure, the rhythm was sort of odd, in combination with your rhymes. Try to watch your syllables and stresses to make it sound a bit more pleasant. You're a promising writer, but keep on trying!
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  #4    
Old May 19th, 2007, 03:01 PM
mcrc
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Age: 23
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this one touched me in a way but yea some of the repition shouldn't be used i guess
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