Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Roleplay Corner > Roleplay Lounge

Notices
For all updates, view the main page.

Roleplay Lounge Lounge about in Out-Of-Character discussions linked to individual roleplays. This is the best place to find existing roleplays to join, or create the sign-up thread for a roleplay of your own!



Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old July 15th, 2007 (10:52 AM).
Loki's Avatar
Loki
強くなった
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Nature: Calm
Send a message via Skype™ to Loki
THERE DID I SPELL IT RIGHT THIS TIME AE?! >OOOOO *is paranoid about being criticised about my spelling, especially when it's in an obvious place like the title. x_x;;;*

Anyway, this is where the criticisms teachers give will go, this is where questions will go, and this is where general comments not including me and AE's "SPAHLLING-WTF" fest will go.

:3
__________________
in the darkness before the dawn
leave a light, a light on
  #2    
Old July 16th, 2007 (12:52 AM).
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 27
Nature: Quirky
Yeah, you got it right this time around. Guess third time's the charm, eh Jyukai? ;D

Anyways, yeah...no crits yet, obviously, but when I get around to it I'll let you all know in a small OOC in the actual RP as I'm not enough of an optimist to think that everyone is going to be keeping track of the OOC thread.

Oh, and if you want to notify about having finished/edited your sign-up then please do it here and not in the main thread, m'kay? :3
__________________
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress



Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet

  #3    
Old July 16th, 2007 (03:49 PM).
Scarlet Weather's Avatar
Scarlet Weather
The Game is Afoot!
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In a House
Nature: Lax
Fine, be that way. *Notifies*

And yes, I know that my sign-up auto-assumes senior, but that's what I wanted in the first place anyway. And like I promised, he's evil. Very, very evil. He's so evil that D&D would have had to create an entirely new evil alignment for him called "insanely crazed evil". I tell you, evil rocks! Evil! Evil!!!111!!!

*stops*

And now you know why ACC isn't a teacher. xD *shot'ed for hyperspamming*
__________________

x x x x

  #4    
Old July 16th, 2007 (05:52 PM).
Chibi-chan's Avatar
Chibi-chan
The Freshmaker!
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Over the Rainbow
Nature: Mild
Quote originally posted by Art_Critic_Cubone:
Fine, be that way. *Notifies*

And yes, I know that my sign-up auto-assumes senior, but that's what I wanted in the first place anyway. And like I promised, he's evil. Very, very evil. He's so evil that D&D would have had to create an entirely new evil alignment for him called "insanely crazed evil". I tell you, evil rocks! Evil! Evil!!!111!!!

*stops*

And now you know why ACC isn't a teacher. xD *shot'ed for hyperspamming*
...being a teacher isn't everything. Honestly, you're giving me that kind of vibe. If this is a learning RP, everyone learns, right? Jyukai said it herself that she can improve, and she's a teacher herself. If you think you should be one, then just prove yourself with your posts as an eighth year D: Sorry, but I just needed to say that...just pointing out something I've noticed in..a lot of your recent posts...

BTW, if everyone doesn't understand the outfit of my character, read my entire sign-up and you may find my character easier to visually comprehend ;P Also, is there a deadline for signups? .o.
__________________


/ / ////
  #5    
Old July 16th, 2007 (06:20 PM). Edited July 16th, 2007 by Loki.
Loki's Avatar
Loki
強くなった
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Nature: Calm
Send a message via Skype™ to Loki
I'm going to set one. *lulz, I haven't even finished mine. I really need to.*

How about... This wednesday? And then we can get started?

Edit-ching: Yaaay, I finished my sign-up.

And also...

It doesn't really matter if someone mentions being a teacher a lot Chibi-chan! It's kind of like the modding thing? Ask more, less chance? *cruelly blunt*



And also, I was thinking about it last night, because I got really mad, so... I don't think I take criticism very well. x< Err, it'd go something like this:

Critic: You should add a little more description about what happens when you move around.
Me: Oh, really? Well you should add a little more description about what happens when you shove it up your... butt! Tch! I got a n00b on my tail telling me what to do. Go back to the pitiful hole you came from.

^ Main reason why Bijyu is a teacher.

Bijyu is not a very pleasant person. :<
__________________
in the darkness before the dawn
leave a light, a light on
  #6    
Old July 16th, 2007 (06:52 PM).
Chibi-chan's Avatar
Chibi-chan
The Freshmaker!
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Over the Rainbow
Nature: Mild
Probably so.

Just need to finish my RP Sample. *wants to copypasta* Wednesday sounds good. I can't wait to start this =w= PEOPLE HURRY UP PLZ ;o;
__________________


/ / ////
  #7    
Old July 16th, 2007 (06:53 PM).
Loki's Avatar
Loki
強くなった
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Nature: Calm
Send a message via Skype™ to Loki
Ah? We can't CP? *sweatsweat*

Uhhh uhhhhhh... uhhh...

OF COURSE WE CAN. >O *Shotshotshotshotshotshotshotshot*
__________________
in the darkness before the dawn
leave a light, a light on
  #8    
Old July 16th, 2007 (08:06 PM).
Chibi-chan's Avatar
Chibi-chan
The Freshmaker!
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Over the Rainbow
Nature: Mild
Quote:
And also, I was thinking about it last night, because I got really mad, so... I don't think I take criticism very well. x< Err, it'd go something like this:

Critic: You should add a little more description about what happens when you move around.
Me: Oh, really? Well you should add a little more description about what happens when you shove it up your... butt! Tch! I got a n00b on my tail telling me what to do. Go back to the pitiful hole you came from.

^ Main reason why Bijyu is a teacher.

Bijyu is not a very pleasant person. :<
Silly Bell. You just make a character that fits around that! Like I did! XD That's the fun thing I loved to create about this character; Illya's not well suited for criticism either, so be prepared from 50 questions from Illya before you think of anything ;P

IC: I mean seriously, I'm absolutely wonderful in my word choice and you'll never find a typo on me, ever! You can call me what? Oh yes, Mary-Sue!~ Oh ho ho~♪
__________________


/ / ////
  #9    
Old July 17th, 2007 (03:11 AM). Edited July 17th, 2007 by Alter Ego.
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 27
Nature: Quirky
Oh, you lazy peoples...now you made me copy-paste a sample too. I hope you're proud of yourselves. >O

Wednesday start sounds fine to me, although the number of 7ths/juniors - judging by these profiles - is disturbingly low. (I mean, it doesn't really make sense for Junior and Senior to be taught the same things, but holding a one-on-one class is also sort of...meh, we'll see how it goes I suppose. :3) Anyway, any grand ideas on the start-up posts, Jyukai? We need to assemble the folks at the beginning (for first impressions and whatnot) so maybe some sort of welcoming ceremony that everyone has to attend? And there could be speeches. Because for some reason the school people always start out the year with speeches. xD Was also thinking that since we currently only have two teachers and they're both different genders, they could sort of be supervisors (one for male dorm, the other for the female); another way to get the teaches introduced and give them a license to meddle with anyone and everyone. ;D

But yeah, if you've got a different idea feel free to go with it. Just figured that we should have a mutual understanding of how this thing is getting kicked off. :3

Oh, and that's an important point about the teachers; do we criticize each other or what? (Giving ourselves criticism might not be very productive) I'm certainly all for it. Well, while I'm on the topic of criticism: I plan on giving my first round after people have made their opening posts, subject: profile and opening post, because first impressions are important. *NodNod*
__________________
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress



Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet

  #10    
Old July 17th, 2007 (03:31 AM).
Scarlet Weather's Avatar
Scarlet Weather
The Game is Afoot!
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In a House
Nature: Lax
I know being a teacher isn't everything. ACC is just a jealous kid who hates it that somebody else came up with this great idea first.

Lesee... ooh. Wednesday? I'm gonna be at Monticello/Montpelier, whichever my parents decide we want to go to, so I'm going to miss the opening posts, probably. Aw, man...
__________________

x x x x

  #11    
Old July 17th, 2007 (04:10 AM).
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 27
Nature: Quirky
And just when I had gotten to say 'two teachers' I noticed Iruka's sign-up. *Shot* Yay for being back at the original number, though. More teachers means a wider scope of comments. :3

Anyhow, that seriously sucks about the timing, ACC. Is it a long trip? Because you know, if it's only like a brief visit then maybe we could wait a little. But yeah, I guess you could either hope for an early start or plan a late entry. (Ohh...Mr. 'I'm-so-much-eviler-than-chaotic-evil arriving late to school? Right after he's been promoted to senior? That could have potential. xD)
__________________
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress



Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet

  #12    
Old July 17th, 2007 (09:03 AM).
Loki's Avatar
Loki
強くなった
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Nature: Calm
Send a message via Skype™ to Loki
WELCOME TO RIVEN ACADEMY. THERE IS NO "I" IN TEAMWORK. THAT IS ALL.

:3

Anyway, there doesn't seem to be many first or second years because I'm not putting people up on the list until they finish their sign-ups.

And I also realized that I can't do wednesday either, because my bro's going back to college on wednesday. :/

Soo, let's lengthen it to Thursday? *shot* Or we could keep it on Wednesday, and ONCE AGAIN dump all the work on AE, let AE or Iruka do the opening post? (The school IS AE's, after all.)

So yeah, get in your sign-ups ladies and gents. :< Hurry hurry, step right up?

[off-topic] AE can have a permanent -chan nickname because he's done so much work. Tere-chan! >D[/off-topic]
__________________
in the darkness before the dawn
leave a light, a light on
  #13    
Old July 17th, 2007 (09:23 AM).
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 27
Nature: Quirky
Quote originally posted by Jyukai:
WELCOME TO RIVEN ACADEMY. THERE IS NO "I" IN TEAMWORK. THAT IS ALL.

:3
True, but if you look close enough you'll find an 'M' and an 'E'. *Shot for irrelevance*

Quote originally posted by Jyukai:
Anyway, there doesn't seem to be many first or second years because I'm not putting people up on the list until they finish their sign-ups.

And I also realized that I can't do wednesday either, because my bro's going back to college on wednesday. :/

Soo, let's lengthen it to Thursday? *shot* Or we could keep it on Wednesday, and ONCE AGAIN dump all the work on AE, let AE or Iruka do the opening post? (The school IS AE's, after all.)

So yeah, get in your sign-ups ladies and gents. :< Hurry hurry, step right up?
Well, off the top of my head we've also got Chigiri, ACC, and Chibi-chan at least (all of them finished). I think the only ones who have posted but not finished their forms are Iruka (still a sample short) and Rena, but if we're a teacher short as well then I see no reason to rush it onto Wednesday. Thursday it is, then. I mean, it's sort of odd for the thread creator not to be present when things start, regardless of who wrote the plot. Although of course if some peoples over here are going all 'Nooo I want someone to gawk at my writing and criticize everything to bits right now!' when reading this I supposed I could get started on the profile comments tomorrow. Sort of keeping things in motion. :3 Oh, and people: if you would shamelessly advertise this in your signatures it would be much appreciated *Pokes own signature* just trying to get the word out, you know? ;D

Quote originally posted by Jyukai:
[off-topic] AE can have a permanent -chan nickname because he's done so much work. Tere-chan! >D[/off-topic]
For realz? O.O *Moved* Now I can die happy. Well, after I'm done teaching, anyways. :3
__________________
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress



Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet

  #14    
Old July 17th, 2007 (09:56 AM).
Scarlet Weather's Avatar
Scarlet Weather
The Game is Afoot!
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In a House
Nature: Lax
[QUOTE]Anyhow, that seriously sucks about the timing, ACC. Is it a long trip? Because you know, if it's only like a brief visit then maybe we could wait a little. But yeah, I guess you could either hope for an early start or plan a late entry. (Ohh...Mr. 'I'm-so-much-eviler-than-chaotic-evil arriving late to school? Right after he's been promoted to senior? That could have potential. xD)QUOTE]

Yes... that does have potential. Though chaotic evil does bring to mind images of a mass-murderer... I'd say he's more "School bully evil". Yeah, don't worry about postponing, I'll only be gone through the afternoon, so when I get back everyone else will probably have everything completed and I can do my "late entry".
__________________

x x x x

  #15    
Old July 17th, 2007 (12:16 PM).
Zaiku's Avatar
Zaiku
I LIEK MUDKIPZ!!!!!!
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Is this a test? I didn't study! *cries*
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Brave
Quote:
I am NOT going to leave Chigiri alone in Year 7 if no one else signs up. Bottom line. If no one else signs up, sorry Zaiku, but I'll be moving you on down to Year 7. What the heck? Is Chigiri the only one who's got enough backbone to sign-up knowing he'll be in Year 7?? Where are all you other cowardly RPer's who need more help then him in the first place? >O
No, plaeze, imA nota teh n00b!

But if that is what must be done, so be it. I guess that means I am the n00biest senior...

XP

But didn't Omnireaper ask for a reservation? You said he would be in year 7. I also remember him saying he was fine with it. So I have my hopes up...
__________________
I LIEK MUDKIPZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The legend, will never die!
Name- GIORGIO
Game- Pokemon Pearl
FC- 5112 0571 0485
  #16    
Old July 17th, 2007 (12:25 PM).
Loki's Avatar
Loki
強くなった
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Nature: Calm
Send a message via Skype™ to Loki
Not sure about Omnireaper. I know that I would very very much like to drag a few certain members here in a Year 0, but that'll be up to them.

And being in Year 7 doesn't make you a n00b. o o;

Chigiri is far from a n00b. Trust me. If Chigiri was a n00b, I'd be more then happy to stick him alone in Year 7 all by his little lonesome. *My hopes would be that said n00b would leave* But he's not a n00b, so I may have to stick you with him. :< Too many Year 8's.
__________________
in the darkness before the dawn
leave a light, a light on
  #17    
Old July 17th, 2007 (03:12 PM).
Scarlet Weather's Avatar
Scarlet Weather
The Game is Afoot!
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In a House
Nature: Lax
Hmm... that is the question. What defines a "n00b"? Is it simply one phenomenally less skilled then oneself, or is it something of great and terrible power that only pretends idiocy? [/Attempt at being all philosophical]

Okay, missed Jyu-sensei's post, so I guess I can do Thursday. I'm still probably going to do the whole "arrive late" thing mainly because now I'm hooked on the idea, and I can already see it being carried out by Eran, plus it gives me time to be la-zy...

(Tere? Where on earth did Tere come from?)

Anyway, to get on topic, I have a question about the actual world of the RP. Tere-sensei, I seem to remember you mentioning that making an inanimate object come to life would fall under the category of creation magic or something like that, which is one of three forbidden branches. What are the other two?
__________________

x x x x

  #18    
Old July 17th, 2007 (03:14 PM).
Mr.Altosax's Avatar
Mr.Altosax
Trainer
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Indiana, land of corn!
Gender:
Nature: Relaxed
I'm not actually in the RP, but I did post a lot while everyone was trying to think of what we were doing to revive the RP section...and I think that made people believe that I would be in the RP. I was going to, but I need a break from the site, so I'm just posting here so there's not confusion on why I'm not posting a signup.
__________________


*My Claims*

----------------------------
What a Fool Believes-The Doobie Brothers
Roll with the Changes-REO Speedwagon
Grand Illusion-Styx
  #19    
Old July 17th, 2007 (03:26 PM).
Loki's Avatar
Loki
強くなった
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Nature: Calm
Send a message via Skype™ to Loki
Alter Ego.

And, unfortunately, I will state it here officially:

Nobody may use Tere-chan's nickname. >O I'll let this once slide, ACC ;<

n00b can apply to anything, but to me, generally, it means: Annoying person.

It's simply a more degrading way of saying it. *shruuugggg*

Also, thanks for clearing that up Mr.Altosax.
__________________
in the darkness before the dawn
leave a light, a light on
  #20    
Old July 17th, 2007 (05:06 PM). Edited July 18th, 2007 by Phanima.
Phanima's Avatar
Phanima
That servant of the evil one
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Nature: Impish
You don't need to reply here, but for whoever is reviewing "position pending" sign-ups in the RP, I'd just like to note for my sign-up, that I'd be content with any position/grade given, since I have yet to be placed.
__________________
featured series: touhou project
coordinated by and joined with: aea

familiar of knowledge. koakuma.
scandalous matriarch love affair and pair. aea illegitimate lovechild. mika loyal steed of comradery. scarlet live-in sisterly familiar. ninetales
  #21    
Old July 18th, 2007 (01:11 AM). Edited July 18th, 2007 by Zaiku.
Zaiku's Avatar
Zaiku
I LIEK MUDKIPZ!!!!!!
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Is this a test? I didn't study! *cries*
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Brave
Ok, fine then, I'm not teh n00b and stuff...
Ayway, I see another person has joined who got year 7 ranking. (Well, they are still pending, but whatever)
I guess that would mean I'm senior again, right?
On a side note, I made a new picture of Ace Bladia, clicky here!
I'd say it is MUCH better than my old one, so I editted my sign up's char-pic.

Edit:
Quote:
Oh, and people: if you would shamelessly advertise this in your signatures it would be much appreciated *Pokes own signature* just trying to get the word out, you know? ;D
Well AE, I've advertised the RP to the max. Considering I themed my self after my RP character and replaced my theme of *gasps out of shock* Soul Calibur, I've done my part... To the max!!!!!!

People should do as I've done, if they don't, they will be shot by Sniper Pidgeys! >O

*Shot by a sniper Pidgey*
__________________
I LIEK MUDKIPZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The legend, will never die!
Name- GIORGIO
Game- Pokemon Pearl
FC- 5112 0571 0485
  #22    
Old July 18th, 2007 (03:13 AM).
Scarlet Weather's Avatar
Scarlet Weather
The Game is Afoot!
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In a House
Nature: Lax
Wait, I said Tere-sensei, and you clearly stated that AE's nickname was Tere-chan, Jyu-sensei! *shot for legalistic nonsense*

Okay then, that still leaves my question unanswered. It might be a good idea to reveal what our characters can and cannot do in terms of magic before we start off.

(Umm... the whole "n00b" thing was a rhetorical question, Jyu-sensei, but you can answer it if you want...)
__________________

x x x x

  #23    
Old July 18th, 2007 (09:16 AM).
Rena's Avatar
Rena
i WILL save this patient!
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: illi-noise
Age: 19
~ Miki finished her sign-up, so yeah, just letting you know. [/short post.]
__________________
; he's got an opinion
and posted suggestion
but never reveals his name
  #24    
Old July 18th, 2007 (09:48 AM).
Loki's Avatar
Loki
強くなった
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Nature: Calm
Send a message via Skype™ to Loki
Tere-anything is copyrighted to Jyukai because she says so. < <

Quote originally posted by Phanima's Sig:
Are you an avid Rp-er? Do you suck and don't think you do? If so, then look below!
^LUL!!!!!!


Anyway, I think it's time for AE's Sign-up crits. :x Sounds like FUUUUUUUUUUUN HAAAAPPY TIME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. xD
__________________
in the darkness before the dawn
leave a light, a light on
  #25    
Old July 18th, 2007 (10:05 AM). Edited July 18th, 2007 by Alter Ego.
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 27
Nature: Quirky
Yay, we've got juniors/7ths. Also, I noticed your valiant efforts, Zaiku. Most commendable, so...have an almond of awesomeness. *Gives almond* Don't eat it, though; it's only on loan. =O

Anyways, I promised comments on the profiles, so comment is what I shall do. Jyukai controls the lists, though, so you'll have to wait for her for approvals and placings. :3 Now then, let's see what we have here...

@Zaiku: Good, solid profile. You've covered all the essentials in both appearance and personality and the sample is equally good. (Less experienced peoples: this is what I'm going on about when I rave about standards >O) Personally, I also find the idea of a good old-fashioned feudal nation amidst the technology boom interesting. The only thing that struck me was that the family's decision to make a full lifestyle change was a bit sudden. I mean, earlier on his father in particular was proud about his son wanting to become a warrior, and now he wants to give that up? A bit of elaboration on the family's feelings surrounding this decision - particularly Ace's. He's a budding warrior and now he's told that they want to live in the peaceful modern world? I'd imagine that that's quite a big piece of news. - would have added depth. Like I said, though: this is not to say that there's anything wrong with the profile as is; I'm mostly trying to come up with suggestions for making something good better. Another that comes to mind is your use of language. I see that you're sticking to simple sentence structures and narrative techniques which you can handle, and that's good, but you seem to be skilled enough at trying your hand with some of the trickier ones as well. Consider using some more complex sentences (I.e. Less full stops, more connective punctuation like commas and semi-colons) and literary devices (such as metaphora and similes) to develop a clearer narrative voice and relieve the slight choppiness that parts of your writing suffer from; sometimes you have to experiment a little in order to improve so try them on for size and if they aren't your thing then act accordingly. :3 A word of warning, though: first tries with new literary devices and the like can end up less than elegant, so if you choose to go for this be prepared to put a bit more re-reading and revising effort than usual into your posts. Regardless, that's a clean 'A' for effort and attitude on your part. ;D

@Rena: I just noticed that you had finished your profile. Sorry, but I just don't have the time or energy for more criticism today. I'll get it done tomorrow, though; promise. :3

@Jyukai: Utterly worthless, dunce class is for you! >O Yeah, that part was practically compulsory. Seriously, you're making this hard on me on purpose. Essential points are all covered in appearance, personality, and history and you're obviously paying attention to tone both within the sample and out, making the profile itself an enjoyable read. Use of language is varied and relevant so content-wise I really can't fault you (because honestly, I couldn't describe that shoe either). One thing I'll say, though: you're overworking those poor commas and at times it's disrupting the flow of your writing. To give an example:

Quote originally posted by Jyukai:
Sanza was once a true vision of purity, her personality, was flawless, even if her appearance was a little shabbier then everyone else's
See how those commas are chopping up the sentence? The only one you really need is the one after 'purity'. Personally, I'd also axe the 'was' before 'flawless' since it would still be grammatically correct but a bit more elegant, but that's a point of semantics. Optionally, you could change the first comma into a semi-colon and the get rid of the comma after 'personality'. Commas are tricky to master since there seem to be more exceptions than rules, but as a rule of thumb: re-read your sentences nice and slow after typing everything out once. That way the redundant commas should stick out as they interrupt the reading just a little. Other than that, you really haven't given me much to pick on. Good job, as expected. :3

@Chigiri: Content-wise, well done, but the presentation...sorry, that's not quite as good. Fist off is the paragraphing issue Jyukai mentioned, I used to have problems with this too but you've really just got to assemble the patience to hit 'Enter' once in a while; it does a world of good for the tidiness and clarity of your posts. Second, you seem to have a problem with spell checker residue, with typos such as 'waste' instead of 'waist' and 'fallow' instead of 'follow'. Unfortunately, no spell checker in the world can help you with this so you'll just have to go about it the hard way; re-read your posts properly and machine-based mistakes like this should become obvious. When in doubt; consult a dictionary. Finally, as with Zaiku, you're posts are suffering from a bit of choppiness because of the way you structure your sentences. Give complex structures a go. ;3 Coolness points for the neat made-up country and using a sample with your own character.

@Chibi-chan: What can I say? Like the character, like the picture, and can't for the life of me find anything wrong with the profile content-wise (Except that you were lazy with the sample, but that would be hypocritical). Style has also been established, so good for you. I'll get back to you when I find something constructive to say.

@ACC: Yeah, same thing basically, except that I'm going to give you a light but poignant reprimand about the 'History' field. I know histories are a pain at times, but it won't get any better if you just hide from them, so really...for future reference try paying extra attention to anything labeled 'History'. You've got the necessary stuff in there, but nothing beyond that which leaves it dwarfed in comparison to the rest. Other than that, good job. :3

@Phanima: Eighth is what your character is geared towards so eighth is what you get, and a strong eight it is. Very good profile quality all around (*Cough* ACC, take notes *Cough*). The only thing that really struck me here was the indent paragraphing in your sample; it's not directly wrong, but it would be great if you paragraphed with a full empty line at all times since it makes it look a bit neater. That's just a subjective viewpoint, though.

@Iruka: Going to wait for the sample before I dare to say anything. xD

@Manaphy1128: since you seem to have problems with the profile this will be long. First off, spacing; leave a space after every punctuation mark. That's basic grammar. Your sentence structuring could also use some work; rather than typing out a lot of fragmented statements like in the appearance, try to make it a unified whole (Sort of as if you were telling a story about how your character looks). Also, never start a sentence with 'and', that's something only poets and famous novelists get away with; unfair, but true. Also, try to cut down on parenthesis remarks as they clutter up your writing. A few of them is okay; having them all over the place is not. Replacing some of the 'she's with another expression such as your character's name. Also, make sure that you cover everything essential about your character's appearance (as it is, we have no idea of what color her skin or eyes are, what shape the face is, if there are any particular characteristics or oddities that distinguish her from others etc.); the more details you give the better we can picture your character.

We also seem to have a slight setting clash. Electricity is a new thing in Riven, thus video games don't exist (Heck, they don't even have electric lighting yet). This is also not set in the real world, so referencing to a real-world manga is sort of not a very good thing. Overall, use this:
Quote:
Likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, quirks, habits, fears, hopes, and ambitions.
as a checklist for what should be addressed in 'personality' in some way. Currently, we've established a bit of likes and a bit of quirks but that's about it. We're going to need some more specifics: is she social or withdrawn? Loud or quiet? Temperamental or calm? Lazy or energetic? What's her favorite color? Does she have a sense of humor? 'Like a tomboy' in itself won't cover everything since there are many kinds of tomboys, and - come to think of it - this doesn't say that she's a tomboy in every respect, and if she isn't then some explanation as to what the non-tomboyish things are would be in order.

On the history: there is nothing universally 'normal' (my view of normal is probably different from yours). So normal for what? A high-born rich kid like Illya or a feudal-origin type like Ace? Try starting out with what social class she comes from, what kind of setting she grew up in (Posh mansion? Suburb? Mental institution? Cardboard box in someone's attic? It makes a huge difference.). What do her parents do for a living? How's her relationship with them? Does she have siblings? What about other family members? Why did she decide on studying magic in the first place? What was she like as a kid? Did she have friends? Anything about her childhood which she remembers particularly clearly or that changed her attitude about something? It doesn't need to be big and complicated; mundane events can be just as relevant.

Overall, I'd suggest taking a look at the other peoples' sign-ups here to see what kind of things you can mention in your profile, but I think this is enough to work on for one go. Don't be discouraged by the workload and feel free to ask if I left something unclear. ^-^

@Shaydeh: Mmmhmmm...it's pretty compact, but in reference to my earlier statement I can't hold that against you now, can I? xD What you have written is certainly written well, but I'm left wishing there was a bit more of it (particularly at 'History' field. Maybe a bit of elaboration on what his coddled life was like, how and when he started exhibiting his metrosexual tendencies etc.) Definitely 8th year material, though. :3


Anyways: Fallen Angel and Rena: sorry but I don't have the time to finish my comments on your profiles today, so you'll have to wait a bit longer. They're on their way, though. I may also go more in depth on some of you then, as I may have overlooked some things. :3
__________________
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress



Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet

Closed Thread
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 02:04 AM.