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  #51    
Old July 23rd, 2007 (05:58 AM). Edited July 23rd, 2007 by Alter Ego.
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Yeah, I know, I know...I'm just not very keen on the prospect of confusing our teachers/leaving them in the dust. But yeah...I guess I might as well...*twitch*...start...but if someone is going to take a righteous smiting for this I'll claim that you people put me up to it. =O *Rushes off to type IC* Oh, and by the way: I'm going to wait for the others after the orientation speech is over and done with, so yush; no going too far before all teachers catch up. :3
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  #52    
Old July 23rd, 2007 (03:24 PM).
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I think it's perfectly natural for the OOC thread to be longer then the actual thread. :< Or am I just wallowing too much with the n00bies?

Either way, I'll admit I was procrastinating on the starting post, (I didn't make the plot, I have no idea how the school works. < <) But now that my computer ban has been lifted, (I let my mom read a few chapters before I took it back, thus, she was in a good mood) and now I've finished the book, I'm freer then ever.

And since Chigiri is in my group, I'll assume we post our crit's in this thread?

-------------

Quote:
He shouted at the ceiling as he plunged his head upward.
'Plunged' is a strange word, though it's not wrong, it just sounds awkward... to me. *shot*

Quote:
As Ven ran out of his room fully dressed and ready for the introductory, he grabbed his headband which was lieing on his droar which held his cloths.
That would be 'lying', 'drawer', and 'clothes', respectively, if I am assuming that those are the words you intended to use. I'm not entirely sure whether 'droar' was supposed to be 'door' or 'drawer'. But it sounds more like drawer.

Quote:
"Hey, that must be the loud mouth we just herd, hehehe." They said as they passed by, staring and giggling at Ven.
Hahaha. Hehehe?? That sounds evillish. It suffices enough to say 'giggling', without the 'hehehe', because the 'hehehe' made me 'hahaha'. *shotshotshotshot* [/dies of laughter at my incredibly corny joke]

*ahem* Right. To the point, that would be 'heard' not 'herd'. A herd is like a group of... cows? Well, something to that extent. sheep? goats? horses?

Quote:
Well, at lest I won't embarrass myself any more, now that I have my socks." Ven said as he tried to lift his own spirits.
That would be 'least' not 'lest'. Lest you use the wrong word in the wrong place, your sentence will not sound quite the same, though I am quite sure that this was a simple typo, easily overlooked.

[quote]Ven said as he tried to lift his own spirits. He then ran down to the auditorium where the introductory was being held. As he approached the entry door, he silently opened them and quietly walked to a vacant seat. [/quote

Mmm, you could've combined these two sentences. 'Ven said as he tried to lift his own spirits, running down to the auditorium whre the introductory was being held' <-- that sounds a bit smoother and is a little less bumpy.

Quote:
"I hope i'm not stealing someone's seat. No, I guess it's fine. Then again, they might be seniors...Well, they wouldn't start anything with the introductory taking place so I guess it's fine." Ven began his fight with himself like always as he took a seat.
Capitalize those 'i's. Essentially, I think you could've used a comparable phrase for 'took a seat', like, 'like always as he sat down'. Because it sounds repetitive, you used the word 'seat' already. But that's not a major issue.

Quote:
his body had been also choosing either to sit or stand which made him look as if he were dancing or trying to at lest.
Lest, again. :<

Lest < Least.
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  #53    
Old July 23rd, 2007 (03:43 PM).
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o.O I guess that's what happens when your out of school for a month and a half xD i'll edit right away.
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  #54    
Old July 23rd, 2007 (04:42 PM).
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It's mostly just spelling errors. A lot of those wouldn't get caught with a spell checker, since 'cloths' and 'lest' are actual words in the spell checker.

Just either read over your post once you done, or, work a little slower to make sure you don't have to read over it again if you're lazy, like me. Anyway, I'm going to re-copy the groups into this post.

Teachers are free to point out comments on any post, as I said earlier, but wait until the respective teacher has said what they want to say before you start pointing out the student's mistakes left and right. And like Tere-chan said earlier, Teachers can crit other teacher's posts if they find something wrong with it.

Alter Ego:
Manaphy
Phanima
JBCBlank

Iruka:
Fallen
Shaydeh
dreemxweever

Miku-chan:
Zaiku
OmniReaper (Once he's finished his sign-up.)
Fallen Angel Messiah of Black Roses

Jyu-tan:
Chigiri
ACC
Chibi-chan
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  #55    
Old July 23rd, 2007 (04:58 PM).
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Joy! XD the Rp starts well... *rubs hand together* me sees... great things come from this master... *goes into and Egor type accent* The plans master... we must go on... make Rp fun... and... make thing's happen.

*Gets glomped by my shadow* OUCH! ok I'll shut up... *eyes dart back and forth*

~JBCBlank
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  #56    
Old July 23rd, 2007 (09:20 PM). Edited July 24th, 2007 by SilverTail.
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I was wondering if I could still sign up?

Full Given Name: Morofua Momoshiro
Nicknames (Optional): Momo/momoshi
Gender: Male
Age: 15 (yay! >3)

Appearance: Momo has long, shaggy silver hair, with a fringe(bangs on one side for those who dont know) of black hair over his left eye. His hair hangs down to his waist and his fringe hangs down, over his eye, to his neck. His eyes are different collored, the left(hidden) eye is a goldish color, and the right(visable) eye is blue. He usually wears a lack, or white shirt, usually with a balance symbol on the back, or the shoulders, along with a jacket, of the opposite color, with the balance symbol on the oppocite place. His pants hare the same color as his jacket, and have patches ironed onto the knees of pants, in the shape of balance logos, his shoes and socks also change, if he's wearing black pants he wears black shoes with white laces and treads, with white socks, if white pants, black socks and white shoes. All the shoes however have the same design, balance symbols on the heel of the soles, and on the outer side of the shoe's side. Along with all this, he has a long scar hidden behind his bangs, that extends from just above his eyebrow, cuts clean through it, and extends all the way down to his chin. A momento from a battle he once fought out of anger.

Personality: He's lazy, calm, and hard to bother, a real laid back guy. He has actually trained his body to remain sitting when he falls asleep, giving him the appearance of intense meditation, that way he could get some extra sleep in during meditative classes. He beileves there is good in everyone, no matter how they act, and that there is also bad in everyone, even himself. A balance such as this makes up everyone, and he has actually managed to find this balance. It keeps him from lashing out at others, but also keeps him from getting too friendly. But, dont think that just because he is balanced, that balance wont slip in an instant. It has happened before, resulting in his scar, and it could happen again.

History: Momo was always just an average kid, well, if you counted being "obsessed over balance" normal. That's what most people from his small home town thought of him, obsessed. He started training, first in physical, hand to hand combat, but, as he slowly realized, that was an unbalanced fighting style. Its opposite? Magick. (yes, with a "K") Unfortunately, in this world, the closest you could get to magick was enchanting. So, he set out to finnally find balance in himself, trying to find that acadamy that taught enchanting. in his quest he went through many villages and towns, all of which had atleast 1 person who could enchant things, sometimes to greed, such as with the gamblers in some of the larger towns, or for entertainment, such as in the shows he saw in festivals, and smaller towns, for the children and other ongoers. And, as he travled, he saw more balance. With the case of enchanting, as he had saw, it could be used for the benefit of two groups, ones self, or the others around them, but never for bolth at once. It was strange, he thought, wondering how enchanting could not walk the line, no matter how thin. untill, he came to a certain festival in a town just outside of Riven. A man was putting on a show, and in return, the croud gave him money, purely out of the good of their hearts. Now, more-so than ever, he wanted to learn to enchant.

Other (Optional): (Just in case there's something about your character that you didn't get to express above.)
RP Sample: (I'll edit this one in later. It's getting late, and I want to try to finish the 7th harry potter book tonight. how bout this, you give me a situation, and i'll go with it, like in an RP anything can happen and the RP'ers will have to go with it on a moment's notice. True? Untill then, goodnight. *bows respectuflly* and yes, when in OOC I use * as an action, sorry.)
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  #57    
Old July 24th, 2007 (02:19 AM).
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Alter Ego
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Quote originally posted by Art_Critic_Cubone:
(Um.... psst, Silvertail? You can tell about updated sign-ups here, but your actual sign-up goes in the roleplay thread...)
Umm...no it doesn't. Once the RP has started - which it has - this is precisely the right place to stick a sign-up. =O

Anyways, going to have to wait for Jyukai to sort out this one since she's in charge of the class division. :3

Comments on certain people's first posts to follow eventually. ^-^
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  #58    
Old July 24th, 2007 (02:39 AM).
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The Game is Afoot!
 
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WHAT? I MISSED THAT?

Okay, I officially feel like an idiot.... um, pay no attention to me, I'm running away. In the opposite direction. While singing the "I'm very sorry song". *deletes idiot post*
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  #59    
Old July 24th, 2007 (08:27 AM).
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^ Haaa, no worries ACC. That's the one thing I double checked after I got corrected too. xDD *we're in the idiots boat luz*

Hope you don't mind, Tere-chan, but I couldn't help but point this out.

Quote:
That's what most people from his small home town thought of him, obsessed. He started training, first in physical, hand to hand combat, but, as he slowly realized, that was an unbalanced fighting style. Its opposite? Magick. (yes, with a "K") Unfortunately, in this world, the closest you could get to magick was enchanting.
I added an apostraphe to 'that's'. I also got rid of the comma after physical, though I'm not 100% positive about that one. I changed realised to realized, though I'm pretty sure that that's like color and colour? I'm not sure about that either. I also changed the comma after style to a period, to make it have a little more 'effect'. Corrected the spelling of 'opposite'. Corrected the spelling of 'the'.

I still see not why 'with a K' though, since I haven't any understanding what that has to do with anything.

I know that I overkill with comma's, but really DM, did you pick up the habit? :< Zazz no good!

Accepted, Year 7. I know you've improved already (from when I used to talk to you more. < <) but I think you've still got length's to go. Spelling, my friend, is a very important issue.
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  #60    
Old July 24th, 2007 (08:53 AM).
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Oooh-kay...let's get cracking on the comments:

@JBC: First off, mind your tenses. If you will forgive the figure of speech, your narration is hopping back and forth between past and present tense with the frequency of a cheap, hand-held radio; that's extremely disconcerting and makes your posts hard to follow. Please stick to third person past tense, m'kay? It's best if everyone writes in the same tense. I'm sure you can find those without me harping about them at every quote. :3 Second, you don't really need bolding, and considering that it normally implies a raised voice while our subject here is a mute I think it would be better to just use the single quotations (') to signify the difference. Beyond that it's basically typos and mispunctuation, so it's weeding time:

Quote originally posted by JBCBlank:
"Late our first day... how can we be late our fist day!?" Cloud shouted right in his cousin's ear. Wolfy only closed his deep violet eyes, smiling as he leaned on his walking stick. A cool breeze blew his hair to the side. Nothing his cousin could say about being late could bother him; he was going to the academy, his happiness was so strong that not even his mother could bruise it. "It's your fault you know. You and that mouse."
That should be "late on our first day". There should also be a comma before smiling (as otherwise that sentence would imply that his eyes are smiling). Also, since the part about the breeze really has zilch to do with what comes after it it would be better off ending with a full stop instead of a comma. The next comma, on the other hand, would be better off as a semi-colon since the part after it is directly related, explaining why nothing his cousin could say bothers him. Finally, you're missing a capital in that last 'you'. :3

Quote originally posted by JBCBlank:
Stopping suddenly, Wolfy turned to where his cousin's voice had radiated from, opening his useless eyes he gave his cousin a glassy stare. Even though he couldn't see Cloud, Wolfy knew that his cousin was shifting his weight uncomfortably; the sound of shifting dirt was unmistakable, You're only here because of me. he signed, leaning his walking stick against his chest so that he could use both hands, And besides, you were the one who just had to have my mother remake breakfast.
Comma required after 'suddenly'. Also, that should be 'stare'; not 'stair'. Those are the typos you have to be careful about since a spell checker won't catch them. Re-reading a bit after you have finished the post should be enough to nail them, though. That first sentence is also a bit too exhausting with all the commas, so I'd suggest splitting it up with a full stop after 'stare'. Again, we also have a case of direct elaboration here so semi-colon instead of comma after 'uncomfortably'. The last corrections may be a bit harder to see since I can't apply bolds with the current format (another reason to switch it :O) so that's a missing capital in 'you're' and a missing comma after 'And besides'.

Quote originally posted by JBCBlank:
"You guys know that I'm..." Cloud's voice trailed off, "You're right, you're right; I shouldn't blame you for my being picky." He sighs then places his hand on his cousin's shoulder, "Let's get inside before we get into trouble."
That should be 'you're'; not 'your'. Also, I'm not sure whether the repetition was intentional or not. If it was, then that's a comma after the first one and a semi-colon after the second, otherwise it's just a comma after the one and only. Also, you're missing an 'e' in 'being' and you get 'into' trouble, not 'in' it.

Quote originally posted by JBCBlank:
Wolfy nods. He loved his cousin and knew how he acted when he didn't get what he wanted, being a vegetarian seemed to have changed him more then the family anticipated. Wolfy and Cloud continued walking through the courtyard towards the auditorium where they could hear the majority of the voices. Wolfy wondered what the grounds looked like as they walked over cool, soft grass. Cloud he signed stopping so suddenly that it took Cloud a few steps to notice that he no longer was accompanied.
Okay, that first part sort of looks like you left the first sentence unfinished and just started with the next, but in it's current state that should just be a full stop after 'nods'. There's also another typo (should be 'through'; not 'threw') and there should be a comma after 'cool' since you're listing the qualities of the grass.

Quote originally posted by JBCBlank:
"Of course they will, and if they don't I'll make them." Cloud joked, making Wolfy smile. "Don't worry so much. We have each other; isn't that all that matters?"
Okay, I had a bit of thinking to do in how this one should be punctuated, but this is the most eloquent I could manage; full stop after 'much' and semi-colon after 'each other'.

Quote originally posted by JBCBlank:
I guess. is all that Wolfy signed before starting to walk again. Cloud kept a hand on his cousin's shoulder as they transitioned from grass to a laden path, the stones under his feet were hard yet soft, and they smelt musty overpowering the smell of the fresh grass, Limestone. he signs to Cloud.

"Right cuz, Limestone. Clean white-" He stops suddenly, "Sorry, I forgot you don't know what colors really are." there was the unmistakable ring of Pity in his voice.
Full stop instead of comma after 'again'. Also, you've mixed up the possessive and plural here; that should be 'colors' without an apostrophe.
Quote originally posted by JBCBlank:
Wolfy's grip on his walking stick tightened, he hated being reminded that he was so different - he knew he was, of course, he just hated hearing it - Don't worry about it Cloud. he signs walking away from his cousin, following the sound of voices.
Okay, the sentences were sort of fragmented so I figured that turning the 'he knew' part into a full side-remark would be the best way to go. As a general thing, if you're an -ing form (such as following) then you'll need a comma in there. If the -ing is at the start of the sentence, (e.g. Mumbling incoherently) then the comma comes after it, otherwise it should preceed the -ing word, such as in this case. :3

The rest of it is basically the same things in repeat, but I don't think writing a whole essay about them is going to make things any clearer. Just re-read and you should see. Also, same as I told Rena: when deciding where to put the full stop always keep in mind that the words between two full stops must form a comprehensible message without assistance from any other sentences.

Overall, it looks mostly like mistakes of carelessness (Except possibly the tense shifts, dunno' about those. o.O), so revising your posts after you've typed them out is probably the best way to go. On a positive note: there's a good bit of content here, though, and I like the way you focused on smell. sound, and touch instead of appearances seeing as how your character is blind, so overall I think it's a good entry post. Characters seem interesting so far. :3

@Phanima: Indent paragraphs...*Twitch* Okay, I've seriously got to get over my bias. Anyways, I just noticed a little time jump here too:

Quote originally posted by Phanima:
Fortunately, many of these applicants are accepted, whether they have a strong foundation and knowledge in magic or not. However, on rare and unfortunate occasions, several students are also turned away from the school. Soel himself had been one of the academy’s near-miss scenarios, where his future hung in the balance of this very event of applying to the school.
Should be 'were' in both cases to stick with the past tense. This kind of present tense wouldn't be a problem in something like a plot, but in the middle of a past tense narrative? It just sounds...off. Don't think I can explain the feeling any clearer than that. x_O Anyways, just a few other things I noticed:
Quote originally posted by Phanima:
This was mainly because of his family’s name, and not because of his abilities and skills. This was especially apparent in his case, because for a descendant of the Mokona family, his magical powers were extremely limited and underdeveloped. This was the means of his struggle in enrolling into the academy, because even for a novice magician, his mindset and, at that time, his skills were minimal, even by Riven’s standards.
Three sentences in a row starting with 'this' - while not right out wrong - is stylistically bad. There's also a similar case with 'he' in the next paragraph (The next one separated by a full line, that is) Try using some synonyms and alternative ways of expression to add more variety to your post. Also, the last remark is kind of odd since Riven - the land of the rift - is the country magic originates from and thus would have the highest standards concerning magical skills while that remark suggests the contrary. :3
Quote originally posted by Phanima:
However, despite his initial reaction, he was personally looking forward to meeting several of the new students and to hopefully be just that: a role model.
Since the last part here is directly related to the one before it a colon is the way to go here.
Quote originally posted by Phanima:
The corridors of the boys' dormitory were still crowded by several male students who had yet to gather at the auditorium. Soel decided not to instruct them, as he had trouble voicing his opinion and more often than not, ended up embarrassing himself with nothing to say
It's a dormitory for more than one boy, thus a plural possessive is called for (and therefore the apostrophe goes after the 's'; not before), the comma after 'more often than not' is also redundant.
Quote originally posted by Phanima:
It was a part of a routine carried out by the school that still had Soel asking himself questions, despite his previous year’s experience in adjusting to the academy’s customs. Hopefully, the new school year would help answer some of these questions.
The 'a' in 'a part' should be kept apart from the 'part', ne? *Shot for lame pun*
Quote originally posted by Phanima:
Soon realising that he had been standing in the middle of the isle for more than a minute, much to calls of other students who had been gesturing him to sit down, Soel embarrassedly retreated to the end of the hall and found a vacant seat in the back row.
Umm...much to calls? o.O I'm not quite sure what word you were aiming for here, but I know that's not the right one.

Overall, good quality post as expected. The only thing I'd comment on is that there isn't that much to be found about Soel's feelings here. I mean, there's bits and pieces of it but the setting seems to be more dominant in the description so I'm left feeling like I didn't get to know that much about the boy per-say. But you know...if that's an intended effect then pay this comment no heed, just thought I'd point it out.
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  #61    
Old July 24th, 2007 (09:44 AM).
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Oh goodness... I'll poke crits at your post later ACC, I can't read someone retching when I'm eating. *feels kind of sick already*
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  #62    
Old July 24th, 2007 (11:17 AM). Edited July 24th, 2007 by Shadow_Yue.
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Shadow_Yue
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Gah! You people have these crazy huge posts up that my sign up look like a tiny flyer for a car wash. Onto the profile! Let's see if I can still sign up! -shot-

Full Given Name: Tamilia Gandrealas (Optional)

Nickname: Tami ( Tah-mee )

Gender: Female

Age: 15

Appearance: Has shoulder length, dark blue hair along with white tips. Her bangs are somewhat longer than her actual hair length. She has a slim waist but not slim enough for it to be all that noticeable. She’s not very tall only about 5’4. Has a very pale face which tends to give off a sickly appearance. Has light blue eyes that brighten her face so she doesn’t look too gloomy. Has double pierced ears so the top pierce is a small black stub and the bottom pierce is a golden half an inch hoop, on both ears. Tami’s ears are somewhat pointed, making her look like an elf. Her legs look very well built because Tami has trained herself for speed rather than strength.

Onto her clothes!
Tami feels she should be comfortable rather than look good so she wears gigantic t-shirts that have been known to have some sort of star assortment or flower on them. Along with some light brown khakis that reach her knees with a charm that has a small blacks wings on it. She normally walks outside barefoot all the while getting yelled at about how no shoes equals no service. To solve this problem Tami normally wears flip flops or sandals at the risk of being called a bum , her sandals already adding to her bummy attire. Fashion is not really something for Tami to care about and normally just puts on the first thing she comes across.

Personality: Tamilia has a very quiet personality. She isn’t one to be seen or heard mostly hanging out in the backround watching everything unfold. You can sometimes catch her making smart remarks under her breath. Tami is smart , not bookworm smart but slick smart being able to talk herself out of a lot of situations. She prefers to draw or watch the clouds since everything loud and outgoing seems to be a problem for her. She doesn’t like the sun all that much and prefers to go outside during cloudy days leaving her strength training to rare since she would rather work on her speed cloudy or not. Though she prefers dimly lit rooms to brightly lit rooms she has a fear of being completely surrounded in darkness and would prefer to be in a place that’s not very crowded but still has people there in fear of being alone. She hopes to improve her enchantment skills so that she can create an illusion of her own world in which she has complete control over for attacks or just to look at. She’s not really looking to become very famous among people and most people just know her a “ That lazy girl in the back of the room. Also she is known to be somewhat of a mess maker. Her room back home what always a mess and she only cleaned it occasionally to the point where it was an organized mess in her opinion.

History: Tamila was born in a small town near the ocean. This contributed to her lazy demeanor being able to just go out and look at it all the time. She lived with her mother and brother. Her father was victim of a terrible illness that had spread through out the village though most who had it were cured , her father wasn’t as lucky and died before a cure was found. She had only been one years old at the time and didn’t see as much of a terrible loss. Though her mother always said he was a kind and caring man and her older brother who was 4 years older than her scolded Tamilia for saying such things. Their mother died from old age leaving the two behind and the house left to them. Tamilia became much quieter after that and didn’t speak much to anyone except her brother. Her brother having been a strong man often teased her about how girls were too weak to fight and should just stay home, this angered her. After witnessing the power of enchantment herself from a man who often decided to show off for kids she became determined to train herself to do the same and become a stronger person than her brother to prove girls aren’t weak and can do more than just sit at home.

Other (Optional): (Just in case there's something about your character that you didn't get to express above.)

RP Sample:
He looked at their capture and smiled proudly. This was going to get the media’s attention for sure!

The woman beside him stared at the previously captured specimen. “She looks like a normal girl.”

The man walked over to a chair and sat down laughing. “ That’s how they disguise themselves! You’ve been in law enforcement for two years, you should know what they can do.” He said as he began typing information into his computer.

The woman squinted her eyes and gave the glass separating the girl or “thing” as he called it then giving him a disapproving glare. “ It isn’t right to put her in chains like that. Or knock her out the way you did.”

The man looked up briefly from his work at the woman then went back to typing. “ If I didn’t she would’ve attacked me. It was necessary to complete the mission.” The man stopped typing and looked back at the alien they had captured recently. “We at least gave her breathing equipment so she won’t die on us.”

The woman seemed enraged at that statement and slammed her hand down on the desk. “ That’s only to perform your sick experiments!” she screamed getting in his face. Her face then changed completely to one of a worried mothers face.

“She doesn’t like it in there.”

“Hm?, the man turned to look at his partner who now had her face pressed up against the glass. “ How would you know?”

“She can hear us..” the woman said her eyes now having a wistful look in them, “ and she doesn’t like what she hears..”

The man stood up , now fed up with his partners comments. “ This glass is so thick she couldn’t possibly hear us. The man making a knock on the glass to prove his point, “ and it’s not like she can bust through hear to stop us from talking because it’s shatter proof too.”

“She can hear us. She IS awake.” The woman said looking directly at her partner.

“ Fine then, prove it tell her to open her eyes,” the man said leaning on the wall.

“Ok then. Hey , girl. Open your eyes for us. Please?” The woman said trying to coax her into opening her eyes by tapping on the glass.

A moment or two passed and nothing happened.

“ See ? Nothing happened. She can’t hear us, now-“

The man was cut off by an explosion from inside the glass shattering it to pieces before disintegrating to the ground.

The woman stared at the remains of their laboratory and then at her partner who was killed instantly from impact , eyes wide in horror.

She stared at the alien as she slowly stepped out of the remains of her containment. The chains around her disintegrated and were blown away with the air caused by a now large gaping hole in the ceiling.

The girl stepped closer and closer then grabbed the woman by the neck and pushing her against a one of the remaining walls that was still standing. She slowly opened her eyes.

They were a terrifying red pair to look at. The woman could see death in those eyes and her soon to be fate. She knew what was to come and watched as her body disintegrated into dust.

It was the start of an invasion , and the world knew it.
  #63    
Old July 24th, 2007 (11:39 AM).
Loki's Avatar
Loki
its easy being with you
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Well, your appearance needs lot'sa work. :<

You need not say "Onto the clothes" just start. And you should state your character's name at the beginning of the paragraph if you're describing her. It serves as the subject, so it's not just "Has something something" but is, "Tamilia has something something". It flows a lot better.

Accepted Year 7

Alright, I realized I messed up and had Miki-chan and Iruru sharing Fallen Angel Messiah_of Black Roses. I shortened his name to Fallen and mistook him for someone else. *serves me right, eh?* So Iruru, you'll take on SilverTail instead. You seem kind of busy though...

Alter Ego:
Manaphy
Phanima
JBCBlank

Iruka:
Shaydeh
dreemxweever
SilverTail

Miku-chan:
Zaiku
OmniReaper (Once he's finished his sign-up.)
Fallen Angel Messiah of Black Roses

Jyu-tan:
Chigiri
ACC
Chibi-chan
Shadow_Yue
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if you gave me a chance i would take it
it's a shot in the dark but i'll make it
  #64    
Old July 24th, 2007 (12:09 PM).
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SilverTail
Noble Warrior of Woodsclan
 
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Quote originally posted by Jyukai:
^ Haaa, no worries ACC. That's the one thing I double checked after I got corrected too. xDD *we're in the idiots boat luz*

Hope you don't mind, Tere-chan, but I couldn't help but point this out.



I added an apostraphe to 'that's'. I also got rid of the comma after physical, though I'm not 100% positive about that one. I changed realised to realized, though I'm pretty sure that that's like color and colour? I'm not sure about that either. I also changed the comma after style to a period, to make it have a little more 'effect'. Corrected the spelling of 'opposite'. Corrected the spelling of 'the'.

I still see not why 'with a K' though, since I haven't any understanding what that has to do with anything.

I know that I overkill with comma's, but really DM, did you pick up the habit? :< Zazz no good!

Accepted, Year 7. I know you've improved already (from when I used to talk to you more. < <) but I think you've still got length's to go. Spelling, my friend, is a very important issue.
We used to talk? o.o its been a while since I've been called DM, makes me feel remembered |3

anyways, the deal with the "K" is that magick, REAL magick, is spelt with a "K"(rituals and ceremonies and such. my father is a wiccan and explained some of this to me) which is not to be confused with Magic(smoke and mirrors, turning tigers into beautiful women wearing skimpy bathing suits)

thanks for the help editing my profile, and I'm still waiting on an idea for my sample. I've come a ways from when I used to roam my old haunts here(mainly the RP forum....ok, ONLY the RP forum...), but as you said, I've still got a ways to go.

and the little spelling mistake with "teh" and "the" is just that, a mistake. my fingers are really fast and my mind can barely keep up *sweatdrops*

+

Oh, and thanks for accepting me. Although I'm surprised none of my old friends have congratulating me on making it to 15.....*sighs*
__________________

even though the thread died along time ago...I will continue on the memory of the "Arr, I Be A Pirate" RP! ARRR!

Family:

older sibling: JBC blank
sister:the oh-so-annoyingly-literate, Bell
RL cousin: Takanushi
fellow thunderclan member: Frostfur

My Site! Please visit! Please!!! >.<

A Destined Heart - My Fic

made by Mr. Tumnus (mort rayne)
  #65    
Old July 24th, 2007 (12:21 PM).
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Loki
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.........Please tell me that "We used to talk" was sarcastic.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHO I AM ALREADY?!!? >OOOO I'M SO INSULTED!!! YOU ARE SUCH A MEANIE BUTT FACE. >OOO Right. That wasn't insulting. But whatever. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DM WHO ELSE CALLS YOU DM OTHER THEN ME?!?!

MINIMINUN WTF. <-- Lulz. I remember that name. That was dreadful.

Shadow_Yue: I also noticed that you have a tendency to break up your sentences. Like, in your history, you have a LOT of simple sentences, and those can easily be made into complex or compound sentences to make it sound smoother.
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if you gave me a chance i would take it
it's a shot in the dark but i'll make it
  #66    
Old July 24th, 2007 (02:54 PM).
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Scarlet Weather
The Game is Afoot!
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In a House
Nature: Lax
WHAT? YOU REFUSE TO CRITIQUE ME BECAUSE MY CHARACTER WAS RETCHING? HOW DARE YOU!!

By the way, I'd like to comment that the reason Eran isn't behaving as evilly as I initially led everyone to believe in the first post is mostly because I was trying to play him as an actual person, not just forcing him to conform to the personality section on the sign-up sheet. He thinks he's tough but really isn't, he's got a nasty streak but there's some good in him... that's what I was really aiming for. Just to give y'all a heads up.

Hm.... this entire post should probably just be deleted as spam, since it's kind of pointless in the overall scheme of things.
__________________

x x x x

  #67    
Old July 24th, 2007 (03:52 PM).
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Loki
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*blergh. bleck. blargh.* Yuck. Anyway...

Quote:
The patrons were all gone home, waiting for night to come once again in order to begin their merriment.
The patrons were all gone home? :O The patrons had all gone home? The patrons were all gone?

Quote:
So it had rained last night, then.
Just read that sentence. You don't need that comma, the pause sounds weird. xD

Quote:
He rolled his eyes. If his memory of the route to the Academy served him right, he would be passing straight through a long stretch of merchants and vendors advertising their wares. He groaned.
It would be fine to have both those effect sentences, if they didn't both start with 'he'. It sounds kind of repetitive.

And Yazz, it seems that we've made a habit of spamming up this thread. D: Let us put a stop to it now, lest I turn into more of a hypocrite then I already am.
__________________
if you gave me a chance i would take it
it's a shot in the dark but i'll make it
  #68    
Old July 24th, 2007 (06:51 PM).
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SilverTail
Noble Warrior of Woodsclan
 
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Location: The Void
Age: 22
Gender:
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Quote originally posted by Jyukai:
.........Please tell me that "We used to talk" was sarcastic.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHO I AM ALREADY?!!? >OOOO I'M SO INSULTED!!! YOU ARE SUCH A MEANIE BUTT FACE. >OOO Right. That wasn't insulting. But whatever. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DM WHO ELSE CALLS YOU DM OTHER THEN ME?!?!

MINIMINUN WTF. <-- Lulz. I remember that name. That was dreadful.

Shadow_Yue: I also noticed that you have a tendency to break up your sentences. Like, in your history, you have a LOT of simple sentences, and those can easily be made into complex or compound sentences to make it sound smoother.
miniminun? o.o I didnt recognise your username! I'm sorry T.T
__________________

even though the thread died along time ago...I will continue on the memory of the "Arr, I Be A Pirate" RP! ARRR!

Family:

older sibling: JBC blank
sister:the oh-so-annoyingly-literate, Bell
RL cousin: Takanushi
fellow thunderclan member: Frostfur

My Site! Please visit! Please!!! >.<

A Destined Heart - My Fic

made by Mr. Tumnus (mort rayne)
  #69    
Old July 24th, 2007 (07:07 PM).
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Yazz, tis all fine and well, but 'zat was spam shir. D: If you would kindly delete it, or edit in something relevant to the RP itself, 'zat would be wonderful.
__________________
if you gave me a chance i would take it
it's a shot in the dark but i'll make it
  #70    
Old July 24th, 2007 (08:03 PM).
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Jack O'Neill
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Age: 25
Gender: Male
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...Great. The party's already started. So, I place my signup here in the OOC thread, right?

====================

Full Given Name: Edward James Heiderich

Nicknames (Optional): Adler ("Eagle")

Gender: Male

Age: 22

Appearance: At first glance, Edward appears somewhat boyish and unimposing for a supposedly hard-bitten war veteran, standing at only 5'7" and weighing in at a relatively measly 147 pounds. While not exactly muscular nor scrawny, he manages to have a reasonably toned figure, appearing to maintain only the bare minimum of strength needed to crush an enemy soldier's chest with a flying knee or break a few skulls with a well-placed elbow. His hair is dark brown, naturally spiky, and somewhat unkempt; his bangs droop down to conceal most of his forehead. He always seems to have a mischievous, lecherous glint in his bright, heterochromatic eyes (the left is navy blue, while the right is cobalt blue). His skin is moderately tanned and flawless, save for the cross-shaped scar on the right side of his forehead (which is largely concealed by his bangs), a small yet noticeable cut on his chin, and numerous other scars on the rest of his body.

Concerning clothing, Edward's personal sense of style clearly favours military fashions. His normal attire consists of a khaki shirt, a black tie with gold clip, a dark brown leather flight jacket with a distinct red silk lining (replaced in cold weather with a thicker jacket with fleece lining), khaki pants, a black leather belt with gold buckle, black dress shoes, and a plain khaki garrison cap. On formal occasions, he replaces his normal jacket, pants, shoes, and hat with a black Eisenhower jacket with accompanying ribbon bar, black pants, black jackboots, and an unadorned black combination cap; he also wears a blood-red armband with the kanji "団長" (rough translation: "Brigade Chief") emblazoned on it in black on his left arm. He openly wears his service pistol and knife, a Colt M1911A1 and a KA-BAR, in a holster and sheath on his belt at all times. He wears the rank insignia of a 2nd Lieutenant.

[See also: Kira Yamato (Mobile Suit Gundam SEED), John Hartigan (Sin City) (all images courtesy of Wikipedia)]

Personality: A military man at heart, Edward takes a great deal of pride in his various honors and commendations; nobody dares mess with the ribbon bar on his chest, unless the unlucky one desires a foot up his rear end or a fist in his face. He is a staunch believer in the philosophy that actions speak louder than words; needless to say, he values quickness and efficiency above all else. If there's a task to be done, he would rather get it done as swiftly as humanly possible, regardless of the possible consequences; likewise, if a situation presents itself, he would rather act quickly and resolve it than wait around for orders. Oddly enough for a career soldier, Edward does not place a high value on obedience towards military or civilian authorities; he is perfectly willing to break rules or disobey direct orders if he believes that such insubordination is for the greater good.

Edward has no qualms about maiming, crippling, or outright killing anyone who has wronged him, though even he has his limits regarding gratuitous violence; he is deeply afraid of winding up as a mass-murdering psychopath and will thus make it a point not to kill those who haven't truly earned it in his view. He abides by a clear and well-defined code of ethics, which dictates chivalry towards women, the repayment of debts and kindness, and the redress of any wrongs he himself may have committed (among other things); he is also quite selfless, caring little about his own well-being as long as he can protect friends, family, and even complete strangers from harm, often using lethal means to ensure the safety of his charges.

On the interpersonal level, Edward may appear to be a bit rough-mannered at first, but to anyone who actually bothers to get to know him, he's actually quite mellow and laid back for someone who's borne witness to the horrors of armed conflict on an extended basis. He is a highly enthusiastic storyteller and will tell (longwinded, slightly embellished) tales of his war experiences to anyone willing to listen. Despite his adherence to chivalry, he's somewhat of a womanizer. His lecherous tendencies tend to be expressed in the form of shameless flattery, punctuated by the occasional subtle grope; he has, however, never propositioned a woman to bear his child (he says he'll do that when he's well and ready for it). His sense of humor tends to revolve around puns, double entendres, and other forms of ribald wordplay; he will try to insert innuendo into his sentences whenever given the chance. When annoyed, he tends to talk of shoving his foot up the rear end of the offending party, a la Red Forman from That '70s Show.

Perhaps Edward's greatest flaw is that he's just a bit too honest for his own good. In conversation, he tends to be extremely candid and forthright in his choice of words, even at the expense of insulting or otherwise hurting the feelings of other people; the placid tone with which he dispenses his oftentimes tactless observations serves to worsen the impact of his words. However, he's just as quick to recognize his own lack of discretion and even quicker to apologize to the offended party (especially if it's a woman), in keeping with his code of honor.

History: Born in Riven's capital to middle-class parents, Edward J. Heiderich was blessed with strong legs and a keen intellect and cursed with a crooked spine; this disability warranted the use of leg braces, which severely hampered his movement and gave him an idiosyncratic gait that made him the butt of many jokes during his early school years. Ed's only defender during his formative years was an attractive auburn-haired girl named Kelly Eckart, who taught him to stand up to his many tormentors. Her advice paid off in a big way when Ed shattered his leg braces to deliver a devastating kick to a bully who was throwing rocks at him; he then found out afterwards that he was an extremely quick runner during his escape from the bully's comrades. Nobody ever dared to pick on him from that point onwards.

Due to his high intelligence, Edward was a star student all throughout primary and secondary school; he wasn't too bad of an athlete either, though he clearly favored his studies over sports. However, he was most (in)famous in secondary school not for his physical or mental prowess, but for his constant womanizing. While chivalrous to a fault, Ed was a world-class lecher, and a particularly crafty one at that; he was smart enough to realize when he had overextended himself in his pursuits of the female gender, and his above-average running ability would allow him to make quick getaways from the many girls he angered with his seeming infidelity. Of course, this mattered little to Kelly Eckart, who had always remained by Ed's side even in the face of his lechery.

Edward's father, Scott Spencer "Spike" Heiderich, would often regale his son with tales of his own experiences in the Riven Armed Forces, painting a rather glamorous image of the military in the boy's mind. This was perhaps the greatest influence on Ed's own decision to enlist in the army upon graduating from high school, though the lure of free college via Riven's equivalent of the G.I. Bill was also a major incentive. He managed to do quite well during basic training, though he found the experience to be quite tedious; he hungered for real action, and before he knew it he was on a train headed for the war in Tegnor. Once on the battlefront, he unexpectedly found himself reunited with Kelly, who had signed up for federal service of her own volition and requested a transfer to Ed's unit. The two fought alongside each other on various missions, and they collectively earned a reputation for their gallantry on the front. Ed himself became particularly notorious for his exploits as a sharpshooter, which incidentally mirrored the actual exploits of the real-life sniper Carlos Hathcock to a certain degree (namely, taking out an enemy sniper by shooting directly through his scope and adapting a Browning M2 for use as an impromptu long-range anti-materiel rifle); he also became renowned for helping rescue his entire platoon from an ambush by Tegnor irregulars and participating in various raids behind enemy lines to destroy targets of opportunity and steal gold.

Ed was so taken in by the glory of his actions that he nearly became blind to the atrocities being committed by his own comrades. Then-First Sergeant Heiderich's personal breaking point came at the village of Midwich, where he bore witness to members of his own platoon massacring unarmed civilians, ostensibly under orders to "pacify" the village by killing guerillas and their sympathizers. After watching a fellow sergeant herd a group of women, children, and senior citizens into a ditch to have them shot, Ed sniped him with his Karabiner 98k before the NCO could actually execute the civvies; he then commandeered the use of a Browning wz.1928 from a loyal support gunner and proceeded to kill the members of the platoon who had chosen to follow the order and evacuate the surviving civilians to friendly lines, with the assistance of Kelly and a few other riflemen and support gunners who had refused to follow the order. Immediately after the incident at Midwich, Ed shot and killed his own commanding officer, 2nd Lieutenant Ernest Calley, who had given the order to massacre the village; during the subsequent investigation of the Midwich massacre and the death of Lieutenant Calley, Ed testified that his platoon was ambushed by a unit of Tegnor special forces at Midwich (thus explaining the deaths of half the entire platoon) and that Lieutenant Calley was killed by spies, stories that Kelly and the other surviving platoon members dared not contradict. Ed was then given a field promotion to 2nd Lieutenant and assigned to lead the platoon, which saw action all the way up until the war ended in victory for the Riven Armed Forces; he finished his tour of duty doing humanitarian and law enforcement work in Tegnor's ruined capital, assisting in rebuilding efforts and providing food and security for refugees.

When his tour of duty was up, 2nd Lieutenant Heiderich was deactivated and placed in the reserves, which allowed him to leave to get the higher education he wanted. His first (and only) choice was the Riven Academy of Thaumaturgical Science, which he picked simply because he wanted to expand his own personal knowledge of thaumaturgy; while he had received some rudimentary education in the science as part of his military training, it was abundantly clear that he had chosen to emphasize marksmanship and leadership over enchantment.

Other (Optional): Edward is highly proficient in the use of numerous firearms, namely his standard-issue M1911A1, various bolt-action and semi-automatic rifles (namely the Karabiner 98k, Gewehr 43, Springfield M1903, and M1 Garand, mostly due to his stint as a sharpshooter), the Browning Automatic Rifle (both the regular M1918 and the wz.1928 variant), the Thompson submachine gun, and the Browning M2 machine gun. However, he greatly favors the use of close-quarters and hand-to-hand combat; his personal fighting style can be best considered as a hybrid of savate, Muay Thai, taekwondo, and eskrima, focusing on the usage of kicks, elbow and knee strikes, and knives.

RP Sample: [For every RP sample other people give, I'll give you three.]

Quote originally posted by Collective Worlds:
"What the ****? This isn't City 17," Shinn said to himself, trying to get a sense of his surroundings. The architecture all around him was in that familiar Eastern European style, blended with the Combine's own peculiar technological embellishments; to him, it resembled City 17, right down to the Cyrillic graffiti adorning random walls and the Citadel standing in all its austere glory off in the distance. However, Shinn knew it was not really City 17; from what he could see, there wasn't even a single Combine Civil Protection officer stirring, nor were there Combine hunter-choppers or gunships soaring off in the great blue yonder. The omnipresent video screens were showing nothing but snow and static; normally, the visage of the much-detested Dr. Wallace Breen would be broadcasted on the screens. The loudspeaker system, which usually played the voice of Breen in a seemingly unending loop, now played nothing but My Chemical Romance; the song "The Ghost of You" was currently playing. "At the end of the world, or the last thing I see, you are never coming home, never coming home..." the voice of Gerard Way echoed all throughout the empty streets.

Shinn felt somewhat unnerved upon hearing those lyrics. For some unknown reason, he had been separated from his home, his friends, and his adopted family; sure, Shinn hated his "home" and he wasn't really on best terms with the rest of the City 17 resistance (save for Jennifer Tomoe, his adopted mother), but City 17 was still his home, and he missed it dearly. At least in City 17 he could kick Combine butt, which was a task he relished; now, there wasn't even a single Metro Cop in sight to give the smackdown on. "The hell with this. I might as well make the best of my situation and scout out the surroundings," Shinn said to himself as he took out his ever-trusty FN P90 SMG.

"Who knows? I might actually find a way back to the real City 17."

Shinn began walking, P90 in hand. He had no idea where he was going, nor did he have any idea what he was going to encounter.
Quote originally posted by The Third Chime:
"You're out of the house," Zoey Kurosaki's mom, Renée Kurosaki, said bluntly to her daughter.

"WHAT?!" Zoey shrieked in anguish. "How could you just cut me off like that all of a sudden, Mom?!"

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's the law. You know what the government will do to us if we don't kick you out, right?"

"Actually, no, I don't."

"They'll kill all of us and burn this grand mansion right down to the ground with our bodies still inside! Now, you don't want that fate to befall us, do you?"

"No, I don't, Mom."

"Now you kinda know why we have to kick you out. Take these," Renée said to Zoey as she handed her daughter a pair of pistols. They were Fabrique Nationale Five-seveNs. "You should find them handy during the two years you're out."

"Two years?" Zoey asked incredulously as she took the guns from her mom's hands.

"Yes, two years. I know it must suck for you, but you heard what I said earlier if you don't go."

"I...understand," Zoey said before heaving a sigh of defeat. And with that, the ritual, if it could be called that, had ended. Unlike the other families, the Kurosakis did not bother with long-winded chants, peculiar positions, and other such nonsense; all they did was exchange a few sharp words, hand over a gun or two, and send the kids off on their way...after clubbing them in their heads and dumping them in some random alley.

Renée called in Zoey's two younger sisters, Corina and Bridget. Corina and Bridget were remarkably similar to their older sister in many ways, the only major differences being their ages and hair colours (Corina had blue hair, while Bridget was green-haired). "Corina, Bridget, you know what to do," she said calmly.

"Yes, Mom," Corina and Bridget droned, holding up blackjacks in their smooth-skinned, well-manicured hands. In one swift motion, they coldly clubbed their older sister in the back of the head. After that, everything was black for little Miss Zoey Kurosaki.

The next thing she knew, Zoey awoke on the cold, hard, snow-covered ground of a back alley somewhere in the inner city. She slowly, painfully got up to her wobbly feet; her pistols were still in their holsters, and she had a throbbing pain in the back of her head. "Geez, did Corina and Bridget really have to whack me that hard?" she muttered to herself. Taking out a fully-loaded Five-seveN, she gingerly took her first steps out into the wide, grimy, dangerous world of the city. God only knew what she'd encounter out there.
Quote originally posted by BLEACH - Rise of the Privaron:
"'Soon-to-be-captain,' eh?" Sarah deadpanned. "A few pieces of advice. First, don't announce that you're gonna be a captain; that actually decreases your chance of landing that much-coveted position. Second, you actually keep a scorecard? Don't bother; most shinigami start losing track of their kills after the first fifty or so. Oh, and one more thing..." she trailed off as she produced a SIG-Sauer P226 from her belt. "Swords are passé. Don't you know that firearms are more effective?"

Sarah stared at the pistol in her hand before holstering it. "I specifically told Urahara to procure me a matched pair of Colt M1911s, but I digress," she said. "I can't really give you a satisfactory demonstration while I'm in this gigai and armed with only this popgun, so give me a few moments to make the necessary preparations." She produced a gikongan from her pocket and held it up for a few moments before finally ingesting it; after convulsing slightly, she finally took a step forward. Her schoolgirl uniform had been replaced with a JGSDF battle dress uniform, adorned with multiple badges and tabs; her zanpakuto, which outwardly resembed an Ishapore 2A1 bolt-action rifle with a bayonet and scope, was openly slung over her shoulders.

Sarah brought up the rifle and peered into the scope. "Let's say I wanna eliminate a target at greater than arm's length," she said. After performing a brief sweep of the area, Sarah finally set her sights on an airborne Hollow approximately 1 kilometer away from her current position. "See that Hollow? Just floating around without a care in the world, not sensing us here, only concerned with looking for stray souls to devour. Just pull the trigger, pull the bolt, and repeat those two steps until it's terminated. It won't know what hit it until it's too late."

Sarah fired off a single shot at her target, reflexively pulling the bolt before putting her weapon down. A bolt of spirit energy, manifesting itself as a bright red tracer bearing an uncanny resemblance to a Quincy arrow, streaked forth towards the Hollow's head, obliterating it directly upon contact and putting the Hollow out of commission for good; from her position, Sarah could observe a small, inaudible explosion, not unlike a signal flare going off.

Sarah then turned to her shinigami companions and said to them, "While you folks have to close in to melee range in order to use your swords and kido, I can just stand back with my rifle and pick off the Hollows before they can pose any real threat to me. Some of you may call this cowardice, but I call it prudence; I gotta get them before they can get me, right? Besides, if they're foolish enough to close in..." She gestured towards the bayonet on her rifle for emphasis. "I need not say any more than that."
  #71    
Old July 24th, 2007 (08:48 PM).
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O O

Oh good goodness.

Accepted, Year 8


Quote:
Then-First Sergeant Heiderich's personal breaking point
Then-First? "Then First Sergeant Heiderich" you mean?


To everyone who doesn't usually eek out a mile-long sign-up: I see not why this RP can squeeze out such lengthy and long-winded RP's just because 'Learning RP' and 'Year 7' and 'Year 8' are involved. Come people's! >O Let us not be vain and exert some effort just to get ourselves a nicer spot on the throne.

Iruka:
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  #72    
Old July 24th, 2007 (08:55 PM). Edited July 24th, 2007 by Jack O'Neill.
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Quote originally posted by Jyukai:
Then-First? "Then First Sergeant Heiderich" you mean?
"Then-[insert rank here]" is grammatically proper and is a heck of a lot more compact than "Mr. Heiderich, who was at the time a [insert rank here]." It's just a matter of style, is all.

...

Well, it's not the group I was expecting, but I'll make the best of it. ;
  #73    
Old July 24th, 2007 (09:06 PM). Edited July 24th, 2007 by Loki.
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Excuse me? Did you just address everyone in Iruka's group as 'the freaks'?

If you do not edit that out of your post by the next time I sign on, I suggest you leave this RP now, or I will personally see to it that you never post here, or in the IC thread again.

Perma-edit-this-time: But I won't pretend I haven't been a total... rock-headed-git to you Jack, now for good reason, and in the past for not so good reason. What group would you prefer?
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  #74    
Old July 24th, 2007 (09:31 PM).
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I'd like to request a transfer to Alter Ego's squad, if that can be arranged.
  #75    
Old July 24th, 2007 (09:35 PM).
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If he agree's to it the next time he's online, then I'll keep the change. If Tere-chan says his platter's full, then I'll have to keep you where you are. The main reason I didn't put you in AE's group in the first place is because he's already done a lot, [plot, first post, sign-up crits] but if he doesn't mind, then it should be quite fine by me.

Alter Ego:
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Iruka:
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Jack O'Neill
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