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  #76    
Old July 25th, 2007 (01:10 AM).
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 27
Nature: Quirky
Oh, I'm fine with the transfer. Iruka doesn't seem to have that much online time and Manaphy seems to be a no-show anyways, so I guess that's a practical three people for me anyway. :3
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  #77    
Old July 25th, 2007 (09:20 AM). Edited July 25th, 2007 by Loki.
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Loki
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Alright, so this is the list now.

Alter Ego:
Manaphy
Phanima
JBCBlank
Jack O'Neill

Iruka:
Shaydeh
dreemxweever
SilverTail

Miku-chan:
Zaiku
OmniReaper (Once he's finished his sign-up.)
Fallen Angel Messiah of Black Roses

Jyu-tan:
Chigiri
ACC
Chibi-chan
Shadow_Yue

edit-ching:

Quote:
He planned on fallowing the woman to her office but that is not an option any more.
That's all I caught for now, because I'm going through the annoying process of re-installing everything onto my computer and transferring everything back, but 'fallowing' should be 'following' and 'that is not an option any more' should be 'that was not an option anymore'. You switched from past tense to present tense. Bad bad. :< Otherwise, from what I managed to skim without paying attention to details, it looks good, but I'll take a second glance later.
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  #78    
Old July 25th, 2007 (04:55 PM).
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SilverTail
Noble Warrior of Woodsclan
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The Void
Age: 22
Gender:
Nature: Brave
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er....I forget already, where are we in the RP? *sweatdrops*
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even though the thread died along time ago...I will continue on the memory of the "Arr, I Be A Pirate" RP! ARRR!

Family:

older sibling: JBC blank
sister:the oh-so-annoyingly-literate, Bell
RL cousin: Takanushi
fellow thunderclan member: Frostfur

My Site! Please visit! Please!!! >.<

A Destined Heart - My Fic

made by Mr. Tumnus (mort rayne)
  #79    
Old July 25th, 2007 (05:21 PM). Edited July 26th, 2007 by Loki.
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Loki
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I would normally tell you, but it's a useful skill to take the time and patience out of your schedule to read the posts yourself. It's something that goes hand-in-hand with learning. Learning to read each post is just as important as being able to RP well.

[/end effort to be smart and lazy at the same time]

xDD Anyway, you should read the posts yourself though. It'll help.

Edit-ching: Alright, since Iruka hasn't posted any crits for Shaydeh, his post is open to all teacher crits.

Iruru: You look really busy. D: If you don't want to be a teacher, just say so, cause you know, you seem like you're loaded down with tons of stuff.

Quote:
“Sanztelane, hey I pronounced it on the first try,” Tamilia said now laughing and walking away only to follow the students unaware of where to go
No, Tamilia didn't pronounce it right. xDD "Sanzatelane". Sorry it's so hard to spell. xD
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  #80    
Old July 26th, 2007 (12:35 PM).
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Shadowfaith
Destined for something more...
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: United Kingdom, Wales
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Nature: Relaxed
No I'm fine, seriously. I just had a day off yesterday really thats all. Concentrated more on my new RPG plot than anything. Though I'm not best pleased with past remarks to my group...
  #81    
Old July 26th, 2007 (02:39 PM).
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JBCBlank
Satanist to the core.
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: I live with My Suger Daddy.
Age: 26
Nature: Naughty
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Ahhh I hate playing catch up. *runs off to read posts and start writing response* Oh and by the way, thanx AE. it's hard for me to write right.... (wow). I mean, No one ever really taught me how to talk right, and writing forget about it, I'll try to get better ok, I don't even notice when I change tenses...

~JBCBlank
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  #82    
Old July 26th, 2007 (02:40 PM).
Rena's Avatar
Rena
i WILL save this patient!
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: illi-noise
Age: 19
Okay, only Zaiku's comments. Get it done other people >:[.

Quote:
To the spiky-haired teen, it seemed a tad bizarre, yet quite amusing that the teacher who disdained talking the most would be the one to give the speech
Disdained isn't really the right word, to me, it is 'too strong.'

Quote:
Ms Erutenmine had taken a seat.
Just a grammer error. 'Ms.' though it could be 'Miss.'

Quote:
Listening intently with his hands free from the cards that seemed to be an extension of his body.
The cards and extension of body seems really, weird, odd, queer to me o.o

Quote:
He was sitting on a seat in the rather average looking auditorium of the Riven Academy. He was placed somewhere near the front, as he had been there for quite some time and had patiently been whittling the time away by fiddling with the decks of playing cards that he had always carried with him, no matter where he went.
Not really an error, though, there are just to many of he xD.

Quote:
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
LOTZA COMMAS =O. You seem to put a lot of commas in your sentences, where 'cat-in-the-hat (short.)' sentences aren't supposed to be, or long 'cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-in-in-in-in-in-the-the-the-the-the-the-hat-hat-hat-hat.' sentences shouldn't be used either, sometimes. So, you just put lots of sentences with commas, when even shorter sentences can be used to make it a bit easy on the eyes, but not really that phrase really =o.

Quote:
Mr. Mr. Wemeren.
Another tiny error. You know what it is.
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  #83    
Old July 26th, 2007 (07:38 PM). Edited July 26th, 2007 by Loki.
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Loki
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Location: Tokyo, Japan
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My group: Werg. Why are all you people's posting so well? xD This is good, that I have to pick apart your posts to find an error~ <3 Now, lezz nawt forget to post like this outside of class, kaykies? ;<

I should do well to follow my own advice too. *the laziness! It BURNZ.*

Also... let's take into account that until you get yourselves to Sanza's office, my character is unable to go anywhere or do anything. ;<

Chibi-chan: Hokay, I return with edit-ness.

Quote:
With a slight jaw dropping stare, she watched was her future teacher and her clicky-clacky shoes walked out of her seat and out of the auditorium.
She watched was her future teacher? Whut? ;;

Quote:
Just as she was deciding to set as a pace for herself when she saw a kids a bit younger than her asking directions to the same class she was headed to.
Just as she was deciding to set as a pace for herself... Again, whut? xDD;

Quote:
Wow, your some kid, hahaha."
"You're"

Quote:
Illya wondered if she'd even be heard but hey, if he wanted to be there first, good luck to him.
Even been heard.

By the way, I missed it by three days since I don't ever visit the Celebrations thread unless I'm opted to by someone else, but I noticed that it was your birthday! :O HAPPY BURDDAY GUUD LAYDEE. *shot* JOO GET HAPPEE CRITICIZUMZ FRUM MII. *shotshot*

Shadow_Yue: I shall re-read your post too, but I already pointed out something in the last post.

Quote:
Tamilia Gandrealas sat on the soft , comfortable grass, inhaling the scent of the ocean water.
You don’t need a space before a comma, though I’m sure that was just a slip of the thumb, since the next comma doesn’t have a space.

I hate grass. It’s prickly and uncomfortable and itchy.

Quote:
It was one of her favorite past times , and she had felt particularly good this morning.
Oops, here we go again. Space in front of the comma. :< You do this a few more times throughout your post. Try not to add that extra space next time~

Quote:
Even though she woke up really early she still felt like she had gotten all the sleep in the world.
Even though she woke up really early [comma] she still felt like…

A pause would be called for in that situation. <3

Quote:
Though something was bothering her, Tamilia couldn’t place her finger on it but something was amiss.
Mmm, that sounds really weird. Though something was bothering her, Tamilia couldn’t place her finger on it. Something was amiss.

That sounds a little smoother, that ‘but’ seems to kind of stick out.

Quote:
Tamilia said falling back on to the grass she had grown to love so much.
Am I just a comma freak? Tamilia said [comma] falling back…

Other teachers, please correct me if I’m being overobsessive with comma’s again. xP

Quote:
Tamilia then abruptly sat up not being able to be comfortable on the grass anymore.
Tamilia then abruptly sat up [comma] not being able to… (I can’t help but feel that either I’m assigning too many comma’s, or you’re not assigning enough. I’m leaning towards the foremost suggestion.)

Quote:
“ Hey sis you’re gonna be late!” Her brother called from the door of their house, a sense of tease in his voice
“Hey sis, you’re” or “Hey, sis you’re”

Quote:
Tamilia jumped up so fast she nearly scraped 3 feet of grass off the ground. She nearly crashed through their front door to get to the kitchen which is where the clock hung above the sink.
Tamilia jumped up so fast she nearly scraped 3 feet of grass off the ground, nearly crashing through the front door to get to the kitchen. There, hanging above the sink, was the [color of clock] clock.

It gives a little more description, it flows a little better. Combining little sentences when the smaller ones aren’t being used for effect is good, it makes it easier to read and less bumpy.

Quote:
a.m.
You need to capitalize abbreviations. :3 You have other instances too, but I’m not going to point them all out otherwise this post is going to stretch on forever.

Quote:
“ Oh no! I’m going to be so late!” Tamilia said now rushing past the door that was now slammed shut.
It’s not a major issue, but you could’ve used a more colorful word rather then ‘said’ in this instance. Like, ‘cried’ or ‘screeched’ or ‘moaned’ or something. ‘Said’ is a little bland when your character is hectic.

Quote:
Tamilia said now completely relaxed as if her being late on her first day wasn’t that bad.
Tamilia said, now completely relaxed…

You seem to have a problem with comma’s. When you’re typing a sentence, try saying it in your head. Wherever you pause, you add a comma.

Does it sound better like: Tamilia-said-now-completely-relaxed, where you don’t pause and take a breath at all? If you take music, I like to say, there’s a reason breath marks look like comma’s. ;3

Quote:
When she had finally arrived at her destination she noticed that the grounds were still crowded with students.
Destination [comma] she noticed.

Quote:
Tamilia said now strolling through to the auditorium. “ Our clock must be busted or something,” she laughed as she glanced at the clock in the hallway.
Tamilia said [comma].

Also, the period after auditorium should be a comma, since your character is continuing what she was saying earlier. Thus, it’s still the same sentence. Also, you don’t need that space between the quotation and ‘Our’.

Also…. Said said said said said said said. :/ I think I make my point clear.

Quote:
Tamilia was now so confused that she had to sit down and rest her head. She felt tired now and had to fight the urge to fall asleep in her chair.
Mmm, by saying ‘now’ twice is sounds awfully strange. You could combine both tired and confused into one sentence like so:

“Tamilia was now so confused that she had to sit down and rest her head, tired and fighting the urge to fall asleep in her chair”

Or something to that extent.

Quote:
“Sanzatelane, hey I pronounced it on the first try,”
Yay! You fixed the spelling error! “Sanzatelane. Hey, I pronounced it on the first try,” Or something like that. You needed a pause after hey.

And it’d be good if you had a thesaurus open to ‘said’. It’ll help.



Chigiri: Yayyy, I shall re-read this one to boot. I pointed something out already on your post as well. I think you could've taken it slower though, and the introduction of two minor characters could've been easily replaced by one, but that's a detail that truly truly doesn't matter and is really just a personal preference.


Quote:
Thats the way I wish all introductions were."
That’s.

Quote:
He planned on following the woman to her office but that was not an option any more. It would have been difficult even if Ven had the chance to fallow, seeing as so many student were scattering then and there.
He ‘had’ planned on following. It’s in the past now. There’s no space between ‘any’ and ‘more’ either. It’s one word. Also, ‘follow’ not ‘fallow’. Also, ‘students’ not ‘student’. You’re talking about more then one. And, I believe the saying is ‘here and there’ not, ‘then and there’. (Wow. That was a mouthful)

Quote:
Hello, i'm sorry for him,
Caps for ‘I’s. :3

Quote:
I told him to be nice today but as it seems, he doesn't know how to fallow directions."
Fallow… follow…

Quote:
He was quiet confused at the moment but shook her hand, as to not anger her any more than she was already.
Quite, not quiet.

Quote:
She directed while pointing her finger twoards the aditorium's exit door.
Ehmm… “towards” and “auditorium”, respectively. These can be caught by a spell checker.

Quote:
Ven thanked her and took off like a bullet, not wanting to waste any more time than he all ready did.
No space between ‘any’ and ‘more’, like I said earlier, and ‘all ready’ is actually one word too. ‘Already’ would be the word you’re looking for.

[quote] He did not want to repeat what happened duing the introductory, but he still wondered why he was wished good luck. He payed no mind to it as he tried to focus on the matter at hand[/quote

“During” the introductory. ‘Paid’ no mind. Both of those can be caught by spell checker too.


In the end, I think you just need to run it through a spell checker, and take a quick skim over it before you post. Some of those things could've been caught just by glancing at it. Like "Fallow" and "follow". Pay attention when you're doing spell check too, because sometime's spell checkers give you crazy words for normal ones. xD

*WHEW* Done. >D I feel so proud.
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  #84    
Old July 26th, 2007 (11:12 PM).
Zaiku's Avatar
Zaiku
I LIEK MUDKIPZ!!!!!!
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Is this a test? I didn't study! *cries*
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Brave
Yeah, I guess I like to exagerate things a bit, with the whole strong wording and the 'cards a body extension' thing. I will follow the advice I got and try to improve.
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  #85    
Old July 31st, 2007 (07:49 AM).
Loki's Avatar
Loki
強くなった
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tokyo, Japan
Nature: Calm
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Again, I would just like to state that I can't post until my group members arrive. So if you would do that, please kindly go about doing it.

OMG I HAD A DREAM THAT WE MADE PC'S RP SECTION A PASSWORD ENTRY ONLY. TWAS FRIGHTENING.

And a pain for me to screen people
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  #86    
Old July 31st, 2007 (06:25 PM). Edited July 31st, 2007 by Mika.
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Mika
もえじゃないも
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Gender: Female
Nature: Timid
Kay, regardless of placement or w/e, Alter if you can find time, go over this please? With your evil fine-tooth comb of doom despair and destruction

Sign-up Sheet

Full Given Name: Kain Andrew Romano
Nicknames : Dr. Kain, Kain. (He has the nickname 'Mr. Squishy' but those who call him by this name often find themselves... well... let's not go into detail, shall we? ; )
Position (Wanted at least): School Doc
Gender: Male
Age: 35
Appearance: The words, 'tall dark and handsome' do not even begin to describe Kain. He looks like someone who’s just walked off a model runway and yet, if you look closely, you would see where his work has left its mark. Underneath his typical lab coat, tank top, black/tan cargo pant getup lies a maze of sore and often plaguing muscle aches and joint problems from the years he spent on his research. His hair, despite the strain he’d put on his body, is still the moppy dark brown slightly waved hair often covered in a bandana of some sort to keep the strays from slipping into his eyes. Like the left pocket of his lab coat these bandanas are never to be touched by anybody unless they have elicit permission and they stay within vision of Kain unless otherwise noted. Refusal to abide by these rules results in nothing but pain agony and the like to some extent or another and rarely does he make exceptions. His eyes are the most convincing part of his features because of their unique coloring. While they are considered brown, they have a redish tint to them that makes them look as red as the eyes of those creatures in childhood fables. They always cause a stir among crowds and people in general who find these eyes, tho they are hidden by a pair of rectangular silver frames for the most part, frighteningly similar to those of the darkness that lingers in every person's memory. While he has become accustomed to being gawked at, it's not the highlight of his day when an ignorant fool calls him a demon. On the days he does not wear the required attire (Or so he believes) of a shrink, one might find him in well-fitting darkwash jeans and a t-shirt of some sort along with a sweatshirt if the weather demands it. Such instances of Kain not in his work attire are rare (Aside from those who happen to see the man in his private chambers, he sleeps in a pair of cotten boxers plus a pair of sweatpants if he is cold) and as such, many do not recognize who they are dealing with until they lock eyes with him. He only dresses in such casual wear when it is all but enforced on him, he finds his work attire much more comfortable and more efficient for what he needs to do.

Personality: Kain is not the nice doctor who slips his students favors both above and below the table. He takes things at a very literal level and while he tends to keep what he thinks is his business his business, he does not sugar coat things for his students beyond what must be done to maintain certain levels of sanity. While this has made him both popular and unpopular by staff and students alike (As he does not sugar coat things for his co-workers either and tends to say somewhat rude, but very true, things when his nerves are pushed beyond a sane level) he does not seem to be swayed by public opinion and is given harder-to-crack students because, as stubborn as they may be, he trumps them nine times out of ten. He hasn't once said to a superior, 'I no longer want this client' or 'I no longer want this patient' because, in his mind, doing so is admitting defeat. He'll force them into submission if nessacary and does not believe in such things as 'physical enforcement of rules and slight use of intimidation' are words of truth in reference to his work. Many a time he's pinned a client in the corner of his office until they comply with his set of rules and regulations. Has he been fired over it? No.

But he is not heartless. He cares very deeply for the younger range of his students, treating them as his own children and, while he has a bit of a temper and lashes out from time to time, both mentors and deciphers each student's individual problems. A student he knows somewhat well falling ill or becoming seriously injured makes his ulcers act up and causes Kain to become irritable until the problem is fixed or at least returned to its prior state before the relapse occurred. His is often ribbed because of his soft-heartedness and true love for his students (Tho, those who try and get him to say that end up in bushes. Behind buildings. Where the cameras dun shine) hidden beneath his frosty exterior but he doesn’t mind it, it’s simply what he does. He is often told he is overprotective of his ‘children’ and nothing could be farther from the truth. If a patient of his is attacked, he will make an attempt to ‘personally’ handle the perpetrator himself, almost always in a blind rage of sorts. This sort of rage stems from a past experience he’d rather not dicuss that has left his professional profile with its one and only blemish beyond certain dislikable character traits he really can’t do anything about.

History:
I dropped a marble
When I chased after it
I dropped another
Only one remains in a single sunny spot

Since he was born, Kain has been beyond ordinary. Reading before he was toilet-trained, he has always seemed to enjoy learning and books much more than other things children his age fancied. Be it playing army or with plastic cars and other destructive violent playground games most boys enjoyed, Kain preferred to stay out of it, shoving his nose in a book while the neighboorhood came to life around him. His parents, specifically his mother, feared that school life, for a ‘nerd’ like her precious son, would prove dangerous because he was not the average Joe. She enrolled him in the local Tae Kwon Do class for children his age, wanting to protect him from, somewhat literally, himself.

Nether the less, school proved a challenge for Kain. He was, beyond all reasonable doubt, a nerd. His academic knowledge placed him, at the tender influential age of nine, into a fifth grade class and, in effect, all but threw him like a lamb to a pack of starving wolves. Several months into the year and Kain had been in the headmaster’s chambers more times than he would like to admit. Seeing there was truly no place for a boy of his size and knowledge at a public elementary school, he recommended that the boy be sent to a school for people of his intelligence. It would prove to be the worst mistake his parents could have ever made and, in truth, did ever make.

The moment their hearts begin to beat
Like it or not people claim their own place
They keep protecting it so that
It isn't snatched away

Kain became even more secluded at the new school and chose not to retaliate against the bullies after the tormenting took a left turn at a place it should never have reached. Before he turned ten, Kain knew more about certain subjects in life that few people ever truly experience such as he had. Internalizing the pain, Kain pushed forward, excelling higher than any other student to prior attend the halls of Galloway Prep School for the Gifted. While this caused some actions and nightmare-inducing ordeals, the boy hardened his heart and, after a year, felt nothing as the older boys, threatened by this child, treated him like a punching bag, something below human levels. By the time he entered his final year in highschool, he had completely hardened his heart. At least, until he met her. She was an exchange student, a few years younger and just as smart as he. She was named Kiara and she would become something so embedded in his heart that it would never be able to be removed.

When they originally met, they were fierce rivals. He had held the top position in the school’s academic hierarchy every term until she arrived and then, low and behold, she defeated him in a land slide victory. Determined to beat this new pestilence, Kain set out to study harder than ever. He never once imagined he would fall for her. Things happened quicker than either of them imagined. At one of the practice exams, required to take an official exam to pass into college free of charge, Kain, suffering from an attack the night before, passed out on his desk. When he came to, he was in his room on his bed, Kiara asleep on his ankles. [Author's Note: She fell asleep, fully clothed mind you, on his ankles in the hospital. Because he fainted.] It wasn’t the start they would have probably wanted to have but, none the less, it was a start. A year and a half later, just months after they had both graduated high school, they were married

Though I kept my hands clean,
They look dirty
Before I doubt my memory
My memory will doubt me


Kain had everything a man could want. He had a steady high paying job at the local hospital counseling wayward teens who simply needed a second chance, a beautiful faithful wife and a bubbly child who had her daddy wrapped around each of her little fingers. The spitting image of her parents, the child’s long blonde hair shimmered in the sunlight, her eyes sparkled like her mommy’s and her angelic voice was like nothing Kain had ever heard or rather, would ever hear. She was the treasure of the tiny family and, growing inside Kiara’s ever expanding belly, was the son of every father’s dream. He had everything he ever could have wanted and then, as most things do in such stories, his life took a sudden wrong turn.

One of his patients had a particular nasty ex, an ex who was angry with Kain for his work in undoing the brutal relationship that had left his finacee with broken bones and slashed wrists and more importantly, a broken spirit. For months he plotted his revenge, revenge so terrible it would make wounds that would never heal. When he finally executed his plan, he happened upon a problem. Kain had children. Tanpopo, the oldest child, was five and screamed when she saw him, causing his whole idea of jump-up-behind-the-victim-and-stabby-stab to fly out the window. Nervous and high on crystal meth, he unloaded the first of his bullets, all of which had been intended for Kiara, into the girl’s head. He then proceeded to shoot Kiara with the remainder of the clip in his pistol and was about to leave when he discovered the now wailing baby in the playpen. Out of bullets, he simply smothered the baby with a pillow and left the house. Kain came home with just enough time to say goodbye to his family before they died, Tanpopo wiping away her Daddy’s tears before she succumbed to the fatal wound.

We'll meet each other for sure
Making our identical heartbeats into our landmarks
I am here, because I'm always calling
When our worn-out motives overlap and tremble,
I'll know the meaning behind my birth

Kain snapped. He hunted down the boy and put him through more pain than any mortal should ever experience in a lifetime. The courts called it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They sent him back to work. Thus, he's found his way to the Academy, landing a job as both a substitute teacher... and the school's only physician.

Other (Optional): Kain is a registered doctor/shrink (Assuming they exist. o-o; ) Kay? Kay.

RP Sample:

There was nothing Kain could do to hide his brief bought of happy, He'd been just about to skip, yes skip down the hallways in happy joy as the five minute waiting period had been seconds away from completion when Mr. Happy Go-Lucky Sunshine just had to walk around the corner and simply had to find it nessacary to open that trap on his face that most people around here preferred shut at all times (If not aided by ducktape or other means of natural silencing techniques) and just had to force Kain out of his momentairly happy.

Before entering the room, Kain couldn't help a glare upwards and a inward mind shrug followed by a very unhappy comment or two, I help your children, I take care of those others have abanadoned, I don't molest children and yet you still say, 'Let's make Kain's day just a wonderful day' and give me him. There's something wrong about that. Something sick. And. Wrong. Sighing himself, he stepped in, shut the door and took the dead-cow chair (IT was leather but it looked like it still had the brand mark on the left armpiece so it was known as the Dead-Cow Chair and the name stuck) in a very professional mannor, his demenour matching Ash's in that of forced pleasentries, "Making the rounds I see?" And being nearly ten minutes late to our meeting? Sure, I'm not saying I'm guiltless, I was five minutes late, but it's still your freakin fault... somehow.


OR

"Off on the amount?" He blinked, tilting his head in mock confusion that wouldn't be caught as mock confusion unless you were incredably sharp and knew exactly how Kain mocked things which, he was pretty sure at least, Ash couldn't prove as of yet. "...am I prescribing too little? Too much? I have just recently been moved to your build sir and just recently been given a slew of new patients. Like any other doctor, including yourself, wouldn't you admit that there is a period of trial and error in the medication and theraputical process? You do not always hit your mark directly on the first try, sometimes it can take one or several more to hit it dead on. I do believe it was you yourself who told me this, wasn't it?" Oh he had him there. Yes, Ash could follow the very intelligent assumption that Kain had been doping down the drugs for some of the patients but while he most likely had the 'gut feeling' that this was true, he had no evidence to back it up that could not also back up Kain's story of 'Trial and Error'. He'd been in Ash's building for around two months now (Moved so the senior doctor could keep a closer eye on him) which was still in the technical trial phase for most of his patients, "And you know my belief on medicating only as nessacary and as much as nessacary. What hope is there for healing, at least to the point of being able to function in a semi normal life, when a patient is so drugged they can hardly use the facilities?"

Yawning lightly, he paused, covering his mouth for politeness's sake, "...excuse me, I have not had a change to drink any coffee this morning." He continued, keeping his tone deadly respectful so the senior doctor could find no fault in it, "Was there anything else you needed me to...make clear?" Or could we maybe, just maybe, end this early. Because you see, I've got a ton of work to do and me staring at your beautiful face for such a long time gets nothing done other than that growing urge to find an eject button on this dead cow chair and send you through that bullet proof glass window behind you.... Hahah... Cows go moo..... Inwardly laughing at his little very immature but very helpful pick-me-up, he again focused his eyes on Ash's own, matching the other's intimidation level, "Or are we transitioning into less pleasent points of conversation?"


OR MAYBE EVEN

"Steven... Sera's already fighting with Baan. Why don't you and I... tango." She twisted one of three pokeballs off of her wrist, the staff falling into her left hand, "It's been awhile anyways, since I defeated you last." She tilted her head softly, a serene sort of smirk spreading across her face, "Why don't we see if you're still worth my time." It was true. While the circumstances hadn't been in Steven's favor, he had lost a rather embarassing fight to Mika the last time they had encountered eachother. It was something no man could easily take, a defeat at the hands of a mere child, and Mika was hoping to poke a hole in the other's seemingly cool demenor and force out the anger not many people knew existed.

It didn't work. Steven was under strict orders not to provoke Mika, the Commandant had all but screamed that doing so might result in Mika injuring herself. Steven, personally, didn't really give a miltank about injuring her. She was a crimminal. Weren't they, as law enforcers, allowed to beat the guilty into submission as long as it wasn't detected by the general public? As much as he wanted to, he had to follow orders. Biting down on his lip, he regained control of his anger and turned towards Mika with the same unreadable look he'd given her prior, "No, as much as you'd like it, I cannot allow myself to fall to your level to, as you said, fight." He raised a hand towards Baan and the trainer annoyedly withdrew his battered pokemon (but not before sticking his tounge out at Sera) "I have a message to you, from the Commandant." Noting Mika's expression did not change, not that he expected it to, he continued, "He says he's glad to see you out of the hos-"

"He didn't exactly send flowers"

"It wasn't like he could. Rocket bases are so tricky to get into these days without causing royal hell to ice over."

"And yet you G-Men have learned nothing from us. Your bases are still as pathetic as they were six years ago. Nothing's changed beyond a passcode here and a firewall there. You can't even aim your cameras correctly for pete's sake..."

"Touche. Prehaps it would be good for us to revamp our system..." Blinking off the feeling and the very obvious (And very well played out mind you) distraction technique before he turned, taking Mika by the wrist in such a sudden movement, the girl had no time to react, no one would have. Pressing his lips to her ear, he mumbled something beyond the ears of the others present and stepped back, casting a fleeting, sickening look at Serra before turning towards Baan and started to walk back in that general direction, leaving the ashen leader to her misery...or so he thought.

Her own hand snapped out, catching his shoulder before he could get anywhere, "...He can't. It's forbidden, forbidden in every single one of my-our teachings! It's... it's insanity!" Steven brushed the girl off, shoving his hands into his pockets, shrugging his shoulders at her obvious fear and attempt to hide the growing hysteria. He couldn't help a smirk; it still hadn't fully dawned on her yet, "You know him as well as I do Mika, he doesn't care. Nor do I for that matter."

"You know the number of casualties that would cause, you know..." And then, like a bolt of lightning, the hidden message revealed itself, "You can't mean..."

"With the seals closed, you're vulnerable. If you can't open the seals in the given time frame, which with our added security to each place will be virtually impossible, you'll have no physical choice." He tilted his head back to the sky, laughing softly as a few drops of rain fell from the sky, "Just a tool, that's all wayward children like you are good for nowadays. If only you hadn't run when we took you the first time, if only you'd stayed. Then maybe things like this... wouldn't be nessacary."

She couldn't take it anymore. With the downpour threatening to slip from the clouds at any second and a Charizard still on the playing field, she couldn't hold back her punches. Flicking her wrist in Sera's direction to withdraw her pokemon, she slid a hand to the pokeball on her wrist, slipping it into her palm as discreatly as she could, "A tool Steven? Oh yes, the perfect example of that would be your daughter, wouldn't it now. Your precious little doll, trapped in her home to be stared at. I doubt she still has Storm, did you take him away to, to keep her at home?" Smirking, she wasn't suprised to see his gaze turn sour almost instantly, "You're just as guilty as Lance and you know it."

His mask shattered, Steven was too far gone into his ego-damaged rage to with-hold himself anymore. Turning towards Baan, he jerked a pokeball off his waist, "Withdraw your Pokemon Baan and leave." The boy, who had since Steven's arrival simply stood with a holier than thou smile on his face, turned and with a light tuff of the hair, withdrew his badly battered Jolteon and exited down into the car from which he had came after thanking Sera oh-so-sarcastically for the battle, "It was fun little girl, maybe next time when we play, I'll actually fight with my full strength. You're worth it I think."

With that, he was gone, disappeared into the blackness of the tunnel that the train had suddenly been pressed into. Much like the blackness of a new moon covered in a layer of overcast clouds, there was not even enough light to see a hand infront of a face. Still, in the darkness, Steven did not stop his mouth from moving, "Fine Mika. You want a fight, I'll give you one. But that girl stays out of it... and you fight me without holding back." He wanted a re-match, he deserved a re-match. If she touched the power Lance would have his head but if she didn't, he'd be fighitng a trainer who wasn't using thier starter, their highest leveled most treasured pokemon or their most well rounded team. It wouldn't be right and it would't feel right either, "One on one, to begin when we exit the tunnel's blackness which should happen in about five minutes. You've that long to prepare." Years of training in caves with his beloved steel types had trained him to see like a cat, he could funciton in this blackness just fine. Mika, at least he thought,could not do the same.

She sighed, rubbing her forehead before turning on her heels to Sera, "Climb back down. It's three steps backward and you'll hit the ladder. Get down on your hands and knees if it makes you more comfortable. You don't have to, it's not an order yet, but if you stay and witness what's about to happen and you tell Blue or Kain, I'll be forced to do bad things to you." Turning her back on the trainer, she gave her a final glare before returning the staff to its prior mode and attached it to her neck. If she was going to use it from the purest source, she didn't need the enhancer. Not for Steven. It would drain her of most of her reserve energy and she'd probably be stuck at the pokemon center in Goldenrod for a day but it was all worth it. At least, she hoped so.

Raising her arms to the sky, she closed her eyes and pulled them down, mumbling something under her breath. Her body glowing a soft light green, the surface wounds on her arms from her earlier spat with Sera vanished and as the tunnel emerged, Mika had fully assimilated with the forest. Releasing the pokeball, her eyes slowly opened, revealing a bright spirit filled yellow tint rather than the minty green it had previously been. Ignoring the pain in her chest, she threw the pokeball she'd previously hidden just as the trio was thrust into dawnlight, "Antiklian, assistance please."

The male of her twin Dragonair, Antiklian, emereged from the bright light of the normal greatball, cooing softly as he wound around Mika's ankle and waist for a moment, enjoying the soft pets she gave him before she waved her hand towards the space between the two trainers, hissing like mad at Steven who, out of concern for the area surrounding, had sent out his Skarmory who was screeching at this excuse for an opponent at a pitch purposely driven a half step sharp for pure torture. Sky diving in the typical Ariel Ace format, as Steven had commanded him before letting him out of his prision of a pokeball, he watched Mika's mouth for movement and, seeing none, saw no reason to be cautious and fully charged the still hissing dragon with more fury than a charmander who's tail had almost been doused with a careless child's glass of water. He didn't expect the Flamethrower that nailed him in the face on his arrival at his target nor did he expect the follow up Body Slam and Ice Beam that shortly followed. By the time it was all over, the dragonair hadn't even broken a sweat and Steven looked humiliated. She hadn't even moved, her eyes hadn't even changed. She'd controled her pokemon by Channelling. Lance was going to have his rear end on a silver platter... and there was nothing he could do about it except retreat. Annoyed with himself, he tossed the overused smoke ball into the the area between and, when the smoke had cleared, he was gone without anything left to trace him by.

Releasing her hold on the Source, Mika withdrew the Dragonair and turned towards Sera's general location. Regardless of what the girl had decided to do, Mika needed to get off this roof and she need to get off it now. Wincing visibly, she scurried down the ladder and, after noting Sera's location, blurrily explained they needed to head back to the cabin and headed there at the fastest pace any person would blink past. Once inside, she didn't even wave at the rest of group, she turned towards Blue, mumbled something along the lines of 'I couldn't let him take Sera' and all but collapsed on the open spot on the bench, looking white as snow. A few moments passed and she was able to somewhat function, at least for now, "...So, how did your respective missions go? Askan, did you behave properly and did you run into another GMan prehaps?" Her forearm over her eyes, she could at least breathe a little better now. She'd have to explain this to Sera later and Mika wasn't looking forward to it. It wasn't a story she liked to tell.

"I got a little too much air up there. Now, what did any of you find out, if anything?"

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  #87    
Old July 31st, 2007 (06:29 PM).
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Lul holy shizzo.

You want me to look over that? xDDD;;;

Maybe I'll finish next year. Lul. Either way,

Accepted, Teacher's Aid.

You'll be helping we teachers out with the crits and stuff. The reason you're not a teacher is because at this point I can't re-arrange. New students will go to you though.

NOW GOSH DARN IT PEOPLE POST. >O
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  #88    
Old July 31st, 2007 (06:42 PM).
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I can't post because I kinda left my next post in the hands of someone else. And I don't want to make it to your room first x;

Mika: Tales of Abyss reference! (b'-')b Soon we'll become one~~~~<3
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  #89    
Old July 31st, 2007 (06:58 PM).
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Bij: Oh hells yeah. X3 Mika pwns your socks.

Chibi: =O you play TotA tooo? I love Bump of Chicken. ; ; -latches onto- Another Tales fan... Who's not Davi-sensei.... -latches onto-
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  #90    
Old July 31st, 2007 (07:23 PM).
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Eh, sorry guys. I had to go to my aunt's house for three days to help my mom baby-sit and while I was there, the baby got me sick D: (lol...baby-sit, baby-sick...xD...*Shot*) I'll try to post but don't expect it to be the holy grail of all posts (Although no one would expect that from me xD)
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A War Lies Upon The Horizon...Gather Your Heroes & Take Your Places. We're Fighting For The World. Poison/Us
  #91    
Old July 31st, 2007 (11:59 PM). Edited August 8th, 2007 by Zaiku.
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Zaiku has questions to ask before Zaiku can post, because Zaiku needs to know these things! (My attempt at speaking in 3rd person and not using pronouns which I won't be doing again).

1. Rena's character is a student teacher, so does she have an office for Ace to report to, or does Ace just go up to her physically.

2. How long has Dahli been a student teacher at Riven, so I need to know if Ace would know her already.

PS: For today's random fact, Riven is an adjective meaning "torn apart"
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I LIEK MUDKIPZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #92    
Old August 1st, 2007 (05:49 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Mika:
Bij: Oh hells yeah. X3 Mika pwns your socks.

Chibi: =O you play TotA tooo? I love Bump of Chicken. ; ; -latches onto- Another Tales fan... Who's not Davi-sensei.... -latches onto-
*cling* Holy Qliphoth! Another ToA fan! X3 *Has the young!Asch Gaiden, the original!Ion Gaiden, and like...12 doujins~~ ;o; *squee* Tales of Abyss forever!


*cough cough* Ontopic, I posted in the RP...=D
We're all together now, yaaaaaay. Btw, thanks for the birthday wish Bell Jyukai Mitsuki :3! You change your name almost as much as David o3o
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  #93    
Old August 3rd, 2007 (05:41 PM).
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Everyone, I am not going to be here tomorrow for I am going to Universal :<
Sorry for the inconvenience. I don't know how imma post here unless I can find a computer with Internet access at the park. I know there isn't anything that can be done to post so could you just pretend like my character got sick or something (Be creative) Again, I'm sorry D:
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  #94    
Old August 3rd, 2007 (07:21 PM). Edited August 3rd, 2007 by Shaydeh.
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Hm, since we are in the same group, I figured we might as well help each other.

Quote originally posted by Shadowfaith:
Kiahi watched as the crowd started to disappear with they’re [their?] assigned teachers, [full stop?] she didn’t understand why they were so strict on them; after all they were only kids wanting to enjoy the experience.
That is the abbreviation for “they are”. The correct word to use in that sentence would be “their”. I’m sure you know that and these sort of things happen, especially when we’re typing so quickly. Now, that comma you have placed there should be replaced with a full stop, since it is grammatically incorrect to split two complete sentences with a comma.

Quote originally posted by Shadowfaith:
She cleaned her nails, concentrating hard on ridding them of every stain and spot as the students marched out. She could see her students watching her, waiting for her to say something; but she didn’t even bat an eyelid at them. It got to the point where all that was left was her class and they began to fidget, waiting to see what they’re teacher would do.
There it is again…

Quote originally posted by Shadowfaith:
A long moment of silence past [passed?] and after she had made absolutely sure that her nails were perfectly clean, she raised her eyes to meat [meet?] those of her class. She blinked and took in they’re appearance, [semi-colon?] anyone would have thought she was looking in to they’re very souls. After a moment [comma?] she grinned and scratched behind her head pathetically. “Sorry,” she giggled [comma or full stop?] “I didn’t know everyone had gone!” She continued to giggle to herself, knowing full well that the students hadn’t found it funny in the least, but she didn’t care.
Wrong word again. You’re looking for the past tense of pass which would actually be passed, I believe. Mixed up “meat” and “meet”. “Their” yet again. I’m not entirely sure about this, but I think that next comma should be replaced with a semi-colon (since you are linking two full sentences with similar ideas). After the “After a moment”, I’d think there should be a comma there and after the “she giggled” there should be a full stop (or comma, I suppose).

Quote originally posted by Shadowfaith:
She continued to giggle until she coughed and hiccupped one after the other. It was then that she got up from her chair and walked over to the door opposite of where she was sat and behind the students. She opened it with a creek and sauntered out, bidding the class to follow her. “Come, come, we don’t have all day and the stench of this hall is driving me mad. It was bad before, now it smells of rotting oak and teen sweat. Make haste!” She yelled as she disappeared behind the door and listened as the scramble of feet followed her.
“Was sat” will not do. Maybe you should have tried “was seated” or just “sat”? That last part of the sentence “and behind the students” did not seem flow too well as I read it. Not sure if anything is wrong with it however.

Quote originally posted by Shadowfaith:
She climbed the steps of the tower to the very top and after some hard climbing and some swinging (across a broken floorboard, which Kiahi had been meaning to have fixed for a while), she opened her office door and waved them all inside. “Make yourselves comfortable, don’t touch anything and watch the floorboards, [full stop or semi-colon instead of comma here?] some of them aren’t as strong as they use to be.” Her office was quite bright, but a little run down, [full stop?] it was home to many artefacts, some rear[rare?] and some mealy for decoration. There were swords, shields, cowboy hats, riding equipment, suits of armor, dragon statues and so much more decorating the room. It seemed to glow, but no one knew if it was from the natural light of the sun that bore through her bright, glass window or the weird hovering light in a cage at the other side of the room. It was a big square office and at the very opposite end were her chamber doors.
You used the verb “climb” in the same sentence and rather close to each other. Not particularly wrong, but not particularly fluent either.

Quote originally posted by Shadowfaith:
Yuki flew from his master’s shoulder and landed square on the desk and then propelled himself into his basket, before curling up and drifting off to sleep. Kiahi smiled and turned to her class. “That’s Yuki, a ferret if some of you were unsure and of course, I’m Kiahi Hikaru, some of you know me some of you don’t. But let it be known, that I’m not one for displeasuring tasks, [full stop/semi-colon?] I’m here to make your stay as fun and exciting as I possibly can!”
“Yuki did this … and … and then … before …” Seems to me that you’re dragging on the sentence longer than it needs to be, or perhaps you shouldn’t have used “and” twice in this situation. Rather “Yuki flew from his master’s shoulder, landed square on the desk and then…” I feel that might have been a little better.

I think you could have used commas more effectively in that sentence. Something like “That’s Yuki, a ferret if some of you were unsure, and of course I’m Kiahi Hikaru, some of you know me, some of you don’t.” – so that the comments between the commas are more specific in relation to Yuki or Kiahi Hikaru.

Well, just a ton of minor mistakes I'm sure proof-reading would have spared you from. I'm not an expert at writing, but what I pointed out were the things I would've tried to avoid or employed in my own writing. If you, or anyone else, don't agree with them feel free to share your views. We're all here to learn after all and I'm open to that just as much as the next person is.

Oh, and Chigiri, you don't need to apologise for missing one day of RPing.
  #95    
Old August 3rd, 2007 (07:32 PM). Edited August 3rd, 2007 by Loki.
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Oh goodness jesus christ Mizzy is a bad bad girl, neglecting her own section. D:

I'll get down to critiquing your posts in just a second, I keep on starting to read your posts and then trailing off, not paying any attention if there's any errors or whatever. *Had to re-read Chibi-chan's post*

And in the end, I only got this, lulz.

Quote:
Turning towards the glass desk, Illya gave a small bow. "Hello Mrs. Erutenmine. I'm Illyabera Jannet Evanguard." Rising up again, she gave a bright smile, "It's great to have you as a teacher, I've heard so much about you."
After small bow, you should start a new line. If you end the sentence, you start a new line if someone is talking. :< Unless you change that to a comma.

Yay for the edit button. :>

Quote:
His face was so startled that you could almost see all of his eyes bulging out.
All of his eyes? D: Do only part of them usually bulge out? Like, only the pupil? That’s awfully strange. xD

By the way, sappy stuff is a bad idea in Sanza’s office. ;D You’ll see why in my next post.

Shadow_Yue:

Quote:
“Is THAT my supervisor?” Luckily Tamilia kept that thought inside her head as she proceeded to walk to her new and hopefully sane teacher.
You need a space between the “ and Luckily. You also need a comma after Luckily, because again, if you say it out loud, it’s not

LUCKILYTAMILIAKEPTTHATTHOUGTHINSIDEHERHEAD.

It’s, Luckily [pause] Tamilia kept that though inside her head.

Quote:
My students. Get the hell inside. Now." Sanza growled
There would be an opening quote in the front. :3

Quote:
All the while debating over whether or not it’s worth losing her life to stay there.
Now now, that’s no way to go about using past tense. That would be ‘whether or not it was’. ‘It’s’ is ‘it is’, not ‘it was’. :<

Quote:
Vitus Volcurn
At least try to spell our names right. :<

Quote:
“ Hello Mrs. , I’m Tamilia Gandrealas ,it’s nice to meet you." She faced Sanza , only somewhat ready to accept the fate to befall her.
Sanza: MRS.? MRS.???!?!!? THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUT I AM A VERY YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, AND SINGLE WOMAN KTHNX.

And also, you forgot my last name girlie, that’d be ER-U-TEN-MI-NE, to you. You need a space after that comma in front of it’s, and not before the comma. That’s an error I saw in your past posts. It happens again after my name, so fix that. >O
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  #96    
Old August 4th, 2007 (12:02 PM).
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Wait, does that mean my posts are perfect? XD

Alright, as a lowly senior I have no right to complain but I kind of thought that this roleplay would focus less on grammatical problems and more on bad habits, etc. I realize it's a bit early in the roleplay for those to have shown up, perhaps, but isn't there going to be criticism for things like latent Gary-stuism, skipping the posts of others, etc.? I can handle grammar fine, thanks, it's other things I need help with more.
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  #97    
Old August 4th, 2007 (12:36 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Art_Critic_Cubone:
Wait, does that mean my posts are perfect? XD

Alright, as a lowly senior I have no right to complain but I kind of thought that this roleplay would focus less on grammatical problems and more on bad habits, etc. I realize it's a bit early in the roleplay for those to have shown up, perhaps, but isn't there going to be criticism for things like latent Gary-stuism, skipping the posts of others, etc.? I can handle grammar fine, thanks, it's other things I need help with more.
Yeah. That's more of what I was expecting too.
  #98    
Old August 4th, 2007 (12:44 PM).
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But wouldn't that evolve into personal opinions? I like it the way it is; it's too early to get into Mary-Suism yet! Stuff like that can also be a part of a person's style of writing, so what one person dislikes someone else may like...I like the way it is so far I guess. Is there really that much to comment about this early? o.o
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  #99    
Old August 4th, 2007 (02:12 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Chibi-chan:
But wouldn't that evolve into personal opinions? I like it the way it is; it's too early to get into Mary-Suism yet! Stuff like that can also be a part of a person's style of writing, so what one person dislikes someone else may like...I like the way it is so far I guess. Is there really that much to comment about this early? o.o
Apparently not. It probably is too early to get into that sort of stuff I guess. Well, I'm going to assume I'm doing everything decently until somebody says something otherwise.
  #100    
Old August 8th, 2007 (01:56 PM).
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Quote originally posted by мizuκi:
Oh goodness jesus christ Mizzy is a bad bad girl, neglecting her own section. D:

I'll get down to critiquing your posts in just a second, I keep on starting to read your posts and then trailing off, not paying any attention if there's any errors or whatever. *Had to re-read Chibi-chan's post*

And in the end, I only got this, lulz.



After small bow, you should start a new line. If you end the sentence, you start a new line if someone is talking. :< Unless you change that to a comma.

Yay for the edit button. :>



All of his eyes? D: Do only part of them usually bulge out? Like, only the pupil? That’s awfully strange. xD

By the way, sappy stuff is a bad idea in Sanza’s office. ;D You’ll see why in my next post.

Shadow_Yue:



You need a space between the “ and Luckily. You also need a comma after Luckily, because again, if you say it out loud, it’s not

LUCKILYTAMILIAKEPTTHATTHOUGTHINSIDEHERHEAD.

It’s, Luckily [pause] Tamilia kept that though inside her head.



There would be an opening quote in the front. :3



Now now, that’s no way to go about using past tense. That would be ‘whether or not it was’. ‘It’s’ is ‘it is’, not ‘it was’. :<



At least try to spell our names right. :<



Sanza: MRS.? MRS.???!?!!? THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUT I AM A VERY YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, AND SINGLE WOMAN KTHNX.

And also, you forgot my last name girlie, that’d be ER-U-TEN-MI-NE, to you. You need a space after that comma in front of it’s, and not before the comma. That’s an error I saw in your past posts. It happens again after my name, so fix that. >O
I'M VERY SORRY!! I knew that you were a Ms. When I typed it , Microsoft changed it to Mrs. for some strange reason. So it meant to come out as

"Hello Ms. ...." ( I left of the last name because since Tamilia is a lazy character I can't see her saying long words, much less trying to pronounce the word in front of said person )

I don't have that much time on the computer so when I check over I check over fast and my eye probably missed that. I normally check the post and read it again days later then edit ( because Microsoft can't see my errors ) But I can't do that NOW , seeing how MS. Sanza has already gotten on my case.

Microsoft Word sucks.
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