View Full Version : Destiny of Refugee

Romance Hero
December 3rd, 2007, 10:14 PM
Another poem on the spot, I believe this is similar to freestyling. If Oni Pichu is the Michaelangelo of Poetry,consider me a graffiti artist.

Destiny of the Refugee

Why must we run from the castle I helped to stand, bold in it's appearance, and presence doth grand?
Perhaps it is an illusion, and rather boiling in filth, wilting on pressure and community guilt.
You would not understand the love of war, people have in their brains deeply bore.
The leader said, "villanous whores, you dirty our land with your primal roars"
Directed at us, who claim to hold commodity, being the ones who are the spine of this "colony"
We lack vigilance of the eye of the gun, we dare not hold what you hate and you shun.
Therefore we run, and ignore our clause, diligent to our ideals and let violence pause.
That is our destiny: to avoid the ruin, to shallow the pain and null ego bruising.
We will return when the establishment is up, and the people on high chairs are less "stuck-up".
The way we see it, we run a horse race, and no better the worker if he works at better pace.
We all stand, crooked backs and broken hands, we ask for nothing more or less, freedom in demand.

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
December 4th, 2007, 1:39 PM
=3 Yay~ First reviewer.

I'm going to be completely honest. Last night when I read this, I absolutely hated this piece. D=
BUT! Today, my opinion totally changed. Not a clue why, but I find this absolutely stunning.
I love the words, and especially the rhyming. The description is very vivid, and I like the flow, even though it sounds a bit jumpy.

^^ ---> We lack vigilance of the eye of the gun <--- in that line, maybe it's just me and my weirdness, but the flow was stunted, imo, by all the short words bunched together after "vigilance". That's probably good writing etiquette, but I just felt like it didn't work. Maybe changing some of the words to sound more... serene or old-timish..? Since the voice is directed that way with the theme.
The word "better" in the second to last line is repetive.

n_n that was all~ BUT, I loved it! and I'm not critisizing you personally, I think you're one fabulous writer~! <3 and I sincerly enjoy reading your work. It's always beautiful and meaningful.

I always try and pick out a deeper meaning in any poem or piece of writing... ^^; heh, so now I have these big long profound things that you were trying to point out, and it's not about a castle, erm... but that's probably just me >_<"

Aw well~ I still think it's rather well written!
The reason I was so down on it at first is because of how the lines were shaped. They seemed so long, and it was quite a mouthful to read through. But, it's very admirable. A great write, and a fun read~

Keep it up Romance~! ^_^

Romance Hero
December 5th, 2007, 6:56 AM
Haha, I agree it sounds like blind anger in some perspective and I very much appreciate your criticism, I shouldn't get mad if anyone disagrees or agrees with anything in my writing, and all opinions are welcome.

I know I give out a few words that make you look in the dictionary once or twice, because I like to use the vocabulary I know.

Anyway, I'll take your words into consideration and review what could be fixed. Thank you. :)