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The Hunter (One-Shot)

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord
3,277
Posts
19
Years
Author's Note: Done for Dragonfree (as a Christmas present last year) and for the LiveJournal prompt community, 50Passages. The prompt was, "It's dangerous, yes it is. It burns, it kills."


The sunlight struck each blade of brown grass across the preserve that summer day. Overhead, the sky was clear and pale blue. Nothing hindered the sun's heat on its path to the grass except the rare tree desperately clinging to the moisture of the earth. A dry wind blew across the plains.

Against the dry grass, Scyther's exoskeleton was obvious. The mantis raised his head above the swaying sea of brown as he scanned the territory for potential prey. At first, nothing stirred but the grass in the wind. His eyes squinted as he crouched in the grass again with his blades extending in front of him. His legs pushed him forward as his eyes glared straight ahead.

Several yards away, his left scythe grazed something that immediately moved and launched into the air. Scyther swung his gaze upward to see the flap of a pair of pale purple wings. The other insect stared at him with large, glassy eyes. It was waiting.

Scyther recalled the elders' words – the familiar ones he had heard before he had left to hunt for the swarm.

"Use your speed," they had said. "Your prey must not be able to see you strike."

With a nod, Scyther crouched low to the ground. The muscles in his legs tensed as they prepared for the strike. A screech tore from his throat as he leapt into the air with his blades before him. The air sang as metal and exoskeleton sliced through the wind and into the body of Scyther's prey. It screeched as it lost altitude for a brief moment while Scyther landed behind it, but it never touched the ground. Instead, it turned and glared at the hunter before flapping its wings vigorously to shake a fine, golden powder from each scale.

The sight of the dust conjured the second piece of advice Scyther's elders had given him.

"Purple ones," they had said, "have three moves you must beware. The first is the cloud of gold. If you touch it, then it will curse your body. Your body will refuse to move, and you will have no other choice but to lay on the earth to die."

Scyther dove to the right to dodge the stream of dust. He drove one of his arms into the hard earth to steady himself when he landed. Cautiously, he turned his head to see his prey and the cloud, the latter of which drifted downward until it coated the grass with a fine, golden shine.

The mantis snorted. He knew the moth's defense had just failed, leaving it wide open for a second attack. Before his prey could move, Scyther launched himself into the air and drove his blades across the midsection of the moth the way he had done just moments ago. The moth screeched as green blood trickled down its cracked exoskeleton and dripped onto the ground below it. Glassy eyes turned to lock onto Scyther as the moth's large, purple wings moved once more. This time, a shower of blue dust rained from its scaled wings.

"The second is the rain of blue," Scyther's elders had told him. "If you touch it, then weariness will overwhelm you. Even if you resist, you will fall asleep before the enemy, and he will take that advantage to strike."

Scyther went left this time. The blue dust drifted onto a new patch of grass, and each blade sparkled like sapphires. At that point, Scyther rose to his feet and eyed his opponent. So far, the moth had landed no hit on Scyther, and Scyther had managed to wound his prey. His mind quickly guessed that one more strike would end the moth's life, so the mantis readied himself for another jump. His legs pushed him off the ground, and he sailed cleanly through the air with a blade outstretched. A loud crunch pierced the quiet of the plains, followed soon after by a squeal. Seconds later, Scyther landed and examined the green blood coating his blade. A smirk crossed his face as he listened carefully for the final thump of his prey falling onto the earth.

It never came. In his curiosity, Scyther turned to find the moth suspended in air, despite the large gash across its abdomen and the pool of green blood forming beneath it. Scyther watched in horror as the moth flapped its great wings one last time, this time to release a billowing cloud of purple dust.

"The third and most fearsome is the purple fog," the elders had said. "It's dangerous. Yes, it is. It burns. It kills. Breathe it, and you will surely die."

He inhaled.

Bitter powder flooded his lungs. Scyther coughed and staggered, but he couldn't get away from the purple powder that coated his body, the ground around him, and everything inside him. His innards burned. His exoskeleton burned. Everything that he was burned with a purple fire of poison. He turned to glare at the moth, but it flitted away in a drunken path as its green blood – surely as poisonous as the moth itself – rained upon the dry grass.

Scyther was alone. His eyes looked towards the blue sky as he staggered towards no particular destination. The poison was working its way into his bloodstream, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he would no longer be of that world. Defeated, he dragged himself to the patch of blue and dropped onto his stomach. His nostrils desperately tried to inhale the blue dust to make his death painless, though he knew the pain from the poison eating away at his insides would deny him of the comfort of sleep.

Nevertheless, he closed his eyes and prayed to his gods. When the sun would set later that day, Scyther would have already departed.
 

J-Rad

In ur comp h4xing ur interwebz
1,187
Posts
16
Years
wow I really like it, very exicting and sad how syther died at the end. I liek how u described poison powder/stun spore/sleep powder. very good.
 

Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
Interesting concept, and well presented. My congratulations.

What I found most enjoyable was (like Flareblade said) the way you portrayed Stun Spore, Sleep Powder and Poison Powder through the eyes of the Scyther elders. It was also interesting how the Venomoth (for I'm guessing that's what the purple moth is) was named "Purple one".

The only thing I have to say is your description seems a bit static, and at times when it looks like you're trying to over-describe, you're stopping the flow of the story. In a chaptered fic, it would be no problem, because you've got many chapters, and the flow can be halted for a while. But in a one-shot, you have to be very wary about not stopping the flow of the writing, as it is most important to short stories. I would recommend pulling back some of your description (yes, not a piece of advice normally heard, but one I often give out) and let the writing just flow.

Other than that tiny little nit-pick, your one-shot is brilliant, and I'm definitely looking out for more by you.

Deathspector
 

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord
3,277
Posts
19
Years
Thanks to the both of you for the reviews.

To Deathspector, though, forgive me for being a bit dense, but I'm not entirely clear as to the difference between overdescription and just right. ^_^; Could you give me an example of maybe a paragraph where I've overdescribed and what I could take out/fix to make it flow better? That would definitely help me figure things out so I don't end up repeating a mistake.
 

Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
To Deathspector, though, forgive me for being a bit dense, but I'm not entirely clear as to the difference between overdescription and just right. ^_^; Could you give me an example of maybe a paragraph where I've overdescribed and what I could take out/fix to make it flow better? That would definitely help me figure things out so I don't end up repeating a mistake.

Sure. Always happy to help ^^

What You Wrote

Against the dry grass, Scyther's exoskeleton was obvious. The mantis raised his head above the swaying sea of brown as he scanned the territory for potential prey. At first, nothing stirred but the grass in the wind. His eyes squinted as he crouched in the grass again with his blades extending in front of him. His legs pushed him forward as his eyes glared straight ahead.

What I Suggest

Through the sea of withered, brown grass, the green of a Scyther's exoskeleton was obvious. He raised his head and scanned his territory for potential prey. The only thing moving were the blades of grass, stirred by a gentle wind. He lowered himself again, and with his scythes stretched out, began to make his way forward, his eyes staring straight ahead.

Now I know that it doesn't look too different, and it may seem like I've actually added more. But what I've done is combined several sentences together, to prevent the description form seeming too static (like, for instance, the first, second and third sentences are now only two). Also, you don't have to describe his every movement (like "his legs pushed him forward"), as something like that would be rather obvious.

I hope that helps...if not, I can always try again...xP

Deathspector
 
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