View Full Version : Jewelly's poetry thread

February 16th, 2008, 9:59 AM
I've decided to make a poetry thread after feeling the need on write poetry on here. With that said....

Stepped outside to get the paper
The air was filled with the scent of the ocean water
I felt the warmth of the warm spring air against my skin
I went out for my daily walk fo some fresh air from the real world
I came home and gathered my things for a picnic on the beach
The air on the beach was cool and light
With the smell of salt water in the coastal air

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
March 1st, 2008, 7:23 AM
The description is mesmerizing. And I really love the word "paper" after "water" in this one. I don't know why I liked it so much, it just gave it feeling~
The use of "air" got repetitive, and for me, threw off the subtle beat of the ending.

But I did like it. It was fun to read, and I'd love to read more from you in the future~<3
It was pretty.

Romance Hero
March 21st, 2008, 4:09 PM
Hmm, What Miss Kon said about the repetitive was right, but in my opinion, it was the continuous use of "I" in the middle that threw it off a bit. It made the time progression of the poem choppy. Your expressive details were awesome, where you described Spring. (but you posted in February. :P) The poem sounds altogether something realistic and something natural. Not bad. :)