View Full Version : Lionheart: Preview

New Age Retro Hippie
February 19th, 2008, 11:43 PM
The small class eagerly filed through the door, waved off by Mrs. Bonnet. Ari was near the back, feeling a bit shy. He wasn’t the most social five-year-old to grace the playground. He watched as his peers ran off in many directions, some of the boys heading towards a small metal shed and emerging with sport equipment. The boy’s yellow eyes lit up as he saw the boy who had passed the ball to him – Davey or something – exit with one that looked remarkably similar to the one that the class had passed around. He smiled and began to jog towards the corrugated iron building.

Ari could feel the difference in temperature from the playground as he walked inside. He wheezed slightly, finding it harder to breathe in the humid air. He wished the little shed was cooler, like his classroom. Hoops and skipping ropes lined the walls; a few bats for some sport other leaning against the iron for support. Ari gasped quietly when he heard someone else breathing other than himself. A short, humanoid creature walked out of the shadows, its muscular body a gentle grey-blue colour. It was holding a clipboard the same colour as the three crests (which Ari thought looked like three Mohicans) on the top of its head. It showed Ari the side with the paper clipped on and tapped a particular word.

“N-na… na-meh… nahme… name?” It took the boy a few tries to get the word right, but once he did the Pokémon nodded. “My name is Arieh Leopold,” he told the blue humanoid, who jotted down something on the paper. It looked up at Ari, before motioning to the whole room. Ari stared at the Pokémon blankly, before understanding. “I wanna red ball, like the one the teacher had,” he explained.

The Pokémon set the clipboard aside and began to rummage through what looked like a plain garbage bin. Ari stole a look at the paper. Though he was no wizard at spelling, he could tell that this Pokémon was not very good at writing at all. Ari could barely make out the letters, and it seemed to have spelt his name “Ahrya Lee-ohpole”. Ari frowned at this. He hated it when people spelt his name wrong!

He felt something tap his shoulder and a slightly hoarse but childish voice say “Machop”. Ari turned around to meet the smiling face of the Pokémon, who was holding the ball out.

“Thank you,” said Ari, gingerly taking the ball from the Machop’s large hands. The blue Pokémon retreated back to the shadows, leaving Ari to feel alone. He hated being alone. He quickly backed out of the stuffy shed and into the blinding sunlight. Ari squinted. Along with being alone, he hated being in pain.

“Can I play with you?” someone said. Ari swivelled, eyes still scrunched up shut. He opened one eye. A girl was in front of him – Who was she? – standing by herself. She apparently wasn’t interested in what the other girls were doing, as she ignored their My Little Ponyta game. Ari recognised the gentle brown eyes- Those eyes belonged to the girl who introduced herself last, Adie. Ari attempted to open the other eye, before shutting it quickly again in pain. Adie cleared her throat, “Um, can I please play with you?”

“Oh! Um… Yeah,” replied Ari awkwardly. Would he get girl germs from playing ball with her? He inwardly shuddered at the thought. Every little boy knew girl germs were the deadliest thing on Earth! But she seemed nice enough, and didn’t fool herself into believing normal Ponyta could become adorable little half-humans… He threw the ball at her, surprising the little blonde. It bounced harmlessly off her head. “Sorry!” Ari cried, giggling quietly. Adie threw it back.


Slow at the moment? Yeah. But I just wanna know if my writing is a hit or a miss on here, whether someone seems interested. This is part of the prologue... These two won't stay five-year-olds forever.

February 20th, 2008, 9:05 PM
The writing style is good. I liked the vocabulary, the sentence structure, and the grammar. The storytelling was good, the character development was good...overall it was more or less flawless. It was rather short, as is normal with prologues, but it managed to fit in a surprising amount of information and hold my interest at the same time.

In other words, I liked it, and I'm desiring more. So I would say go for it.