View Full Version : The Adventures Of Jack: Journey in Kanto

The Confuzzler
April 8th, 2008, 2:41 AM
Hi everyone this is my first try at some PFF so tell me what you think, rate and comment! rated E for Everyone.


" Jack, honey breakfast! " Jack's Mum shouted. Jack's mum had blonde hair and ocean blue eyes. she was very lively and she was 26. Jack loved her with all his heart and so did his little sister Ella. Even though she can get very worried at times she is a loving and young mum. She knew that today she would have to see Jack go but she also knew it's what he wanted to do with his life.

Jack was an aspiring Pokemon Trainer who lived in the Kanto Region.He had blue eyes and brown hair. The clothes he wears is a pokeball hat, a T-Shirt with a Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur on it.he also had a Pokeball fleece to go with them.His Dad was the Pokemon league Champion! He knew one day he would have to battle his Dad and he got nervous at the thought of it. But he knew with some hard work and care for his Pokemon he could do good in the league and just maybe beat his Dad

" Jack hurry up please! " his Mum shouted. She was getting inpatient like she always was.

He was tired but he managed to stand up, then he remembered he was ten! He started to do a little dance thst looked kind of silly.

" I'm ten woohoo! " he shouted with glee. He gets hyper whenever it's his birthdayso today he was really hyper! Jack was still tired but he didn't care at all.

He got dressed into his ' trademark ' clothes and rushed downstairs. Then he saw his little sister, Ella. Ella was two years old and had cute little pig tails and she couldn't talk right yet. Jack called her ' Evil Ella ' for no actual reason at all. She loved Jack but she could be really annoying at times. But nonetheless Jack loved her, after all she was his sister.

" Wack will wo pway with mwe? " she asked with a cute little girl voice. She sounded so cute and she usually has W in her words because she's only two.

" Not right now El- " but before he could finish his sentence he heard footsteps. He didn;t know who it was coming. Then he knew it must have been his Mum.

" Happy Birthday Jack! " his Mum shouted. His Mum had a smile on her face and was staring right at Jack.

" Weah! Wappy Wirthday! " said Ella. She looked up at Jack with a cute little smile.

" Thanks! " Jack said. He really appreciated it.

he went to the dining table to have his breakfast. He ate his breakfast. Then his Mom came in. She was still smiling.

" Jack i want you to have this " said his Mum. It was some kind of Amulet. Jack looked at it closely.

" That's your Dad's Lucky Amulet " she said with her ocean blue eyes.Her Blonde hair looked like it was magically waving about. She realy did look beautiful.

" i want you to have it now, Jack " said his Mum. Jack looked very happy.

Jack held it tight. It was made from pure gold and it seemed to sparkle. It had a mystic aura to it.

" Thanks Mum! " he shouted he smiled from ear to ear.

" Well if you dont hurry up then you won't get to the lab " she said with her blue eyes filling up with tears. she was about to cry.

" Mom are you gong to cry? " Jack asked. He didn't want her to cry.

" Don't worry i'll be fine! " she said. She tried to put on a smile.

Jack rushed to the door. A smile and a tear came to his face. He was happy and sad at the same time.

" Bwy Wack! " shouted Ella. She was so young she didn't know what was happening, even though her Mum tried to explain it to her.

" Bye! " he said. He knew he wouldn't see her for a long time.

he opened the door and ran out. He had an adventure to start.

He looked around Pallet Town. The air was crisp and the sun was shining, it was the perfect day to start new adventure! He had never felt so confident in his life! The only problem was he didn't know how to get to the lab. He guessed he should go and ask for directions so he ran to the town square. The town square was filled with people. There was an arcade, a baker, a grocery shop and a big statue in the middle, the statue of a legendary Pokemon. Jack went to look at the statue. Then he heard a voice from behind.

" Need some help? " the voice asked. It was a girl. Jack turned around quick.

" Yes i'm looking for professor Oak's lab do you know where it is? " he asked the girl. The girl looked pretty.

The girl had long black hair and a pink pokeball hat on her head. She looked about the same age as Jack.She had A T-Shirt and a skirt on. She smiled and it fitted perfectly with her green eyes.

" what a coincedence, so am i! " she said. She looked happy for some reason.

" so do you know where it is? " he asked with some hope. He was praying she weould say yes.

" yes, follow me " she said. Jack was relieved.

she ran off round the corner and Jack ran that way too. They went past th ice cream shop and Jack started to feel hungry. But he just kept going.They started to slow down and there it was, a lab that looked like a mansion. Then he knew he was at the lab of the renouned professor of Pokemon, Professor Oak.

" Can i ask your name? " he said to the girl. The girl started to smile.

" oh!, i'm Megan! soon to be top coordinator! " she said with a smile on her face. She seemed confident.

" Jack soon to be Pokemon Master! " he said. He seemed as confident as she did.

" cool name! " they both said at the same time. They started to laugh.

Jack opened the gate. Megan and Jack ran up the staircase and got to the doors. Jack was ready for an adventure and he knew it! Now it was time to begin his adventure!

That's the prologue so remember to rate and comment!

Post Office Buddy
April 8th, 2008, 8:45 AM
I'm sorry to say that I can't rate this very high, maybe a 2 or 3/10.

My reasoning for such a low rating is that you made tons of spelling and grammar mistakes, you didn't really think out the dialog or description, and you're writing a seemingly generic story about a kid who will probably travel through the Pokemon league with no real conflicts along the way.

When I read a fic, I want to think of the main character as someone special. You do not do this very well so far, you make him seem like a normal kid who's dad happens to be the Pokemon League Champion.

You're going to have to work on this a bit to gain my support, but I am happy to assist you in anything you may need help in. If you're stumped about grammar issues or need some help developing it, then just send me a private message and I will brainstorm with you.

The best advice I can give you, however, is to read through some of the fanfics on the main forum. Many writers here have good ideas and use good examples of correct grammar usage, along with exemplary structure in developing their plot. Some fanfics I would suggest are A Guilty Conscience, Lost Heaven, and The Fall of Light (the last one you can find in my sig; it happens to be my fic.)

Also, if you can find it, I Am Rain was a very good example of writing, along with R-9WM "Mastermind"

The Confuzzler
April 9th, 2008, 7:57 AM
Okay thanks dude you can find the re-write here