View Full Version : Shooting star

April 23rd, 2008, 8:31 AM
Another one of my poems. Hope you like it, free to crititcise and say whats wrong with it.

Shooting star

A shooting star, make a wish!
A diamond ring, a golden fish?
Lo and behold, that shooting star,
Maybe you wish for the latest car?

Perhaps some money,
As rich as honey?
Or shiny gold,
Will make you bold?

For a kid, an awesome toy,
A bar of chocolate, for him to enjoy?
Maybe fame, with adoring fans?
Even, possibly, the richest of tans?

How about happiness? Lovely dreams,
Even the best, of chocolate creams?
Even a footballer, entering the pitch,
Oh my god, your filthy rich!!

April 25th, 2008, 12:04 PM
for me its very good, just one thing: "gold" doesnt rime with "sold"...

April 26th, 2008, 11:51 PM
Ahh, thank you! I knew there was something wrong!

May 2nd, 2008, 5:56 PM
hey this is pretty good i really like your poem it really entertains me to re read it again ^ ^ good job kiddo

May 3rd, 2008, 11:42 AM
Thanks, Ninetales! I love writing poetry, even though this is my 2nd or 3rd i've ever posted!

El Gofre
May 3rd, 2008, 12:18 PM
for me its very good, just one thing: "gold" doesnt rime with "sold"...

Erm, I wouldnt take the advice from someone who spells rhyme in such a way. Your particular accent may be different but gold and sold rhyme in any accent I've ever heard.

EDIT: Also, I like this poem. It's not structurally challenging or anything like that, but it made me smile. And i suppose that, at the end of the day, that's the objective :)

May 3rd, 2008, 1:17 PM
Uweeheehee...it's kinda cute. Well, compared to mine.

It's nice to read something light and free.

May 3rd, 2008, 11:22 PM
Thanks! I tend to make up happy poems, not depressing ones such as "as i lay dying".. it was still good, though!

May 30th, 2008, 7:17 AM
This poem made me laugh in a good way :) The rhymes are nice and simple, which make this piece effective. My favourite part is the bit about the sports car ;)

I liked the general theme of wishing upon a star, something that we all have dreamed of at some point in our lives. It's upbeat and friendly to the eyes and the ears. Much kudos. I don't have any creative critisizm. Just keep writing as you do, and you'll definitley improve.