View Full Version : Entie's Awakening - Preview (stinks need to be revised Idea)

Comic Tragedy
July 26th, 2008, 7:19 PM
Ok here is my idea. I have always been intrested in the origins of each legendary dog, and I have read that Entie was born in a volcano so yea.

This is my first attempt at fan fic and it REALLY shows. And this is raw I am at my cousins house and his laptop doesent have a writing program (i don't know why) so this is probobly spelled wrong too.



Entie's Awakening - Part 1 (DRAFT!)

He trekked cautiously along a volcano’s narrow ridge, his nose and mouth covered with cloth torn from his robe to protect himself from the airborne ash. It was too hot to open his mouth for too long. This loosely garbed man was a local. This was evident in many accounts. One, he navigated the crumbling cliffs of the volcano with as much elegance and grace, yet as careful as possible. He plowed through threatening obstacles constructing creative new paths out of nothing at all. And most impressive, found the blazing air of the volcano fairly easy to breath.
The man was dressed in light silvery colored ceremonial robes. His long dark gray hair was in a bun kept in place with a curved ivory. His once perfectly pulled back hair was quickly disassembling, falling in strands over his face. He hadn’t really intended to navigate the volcano that afternoon. It hadn’t even been figment of his imagination. Yet sure enough there he was back in the boiling furnace of Mt. Kasai, the huge volcano that served as a backdrop for the town he leads. By responsibility making him the mountain’s keeper. The man’s name is Dane.
Suddenly, the volcano shook with terrifying intensity. Dane desperately clung to protruding edges of the volcano’s cliffs, quickly muttering a prayer not to get smacked by a cascading boulder. Thoughts of death, heaven and hell reached Dane’s mind all at once as the chasm continuously shook with increasing gusto. All of the doubts and thoughts solved nothing, Dane suddenly found himself pleading for help.
“ Please gods of the volcano, my people have done no wrong! I had left festivities celebrating you to investigate you’re very throne.” Dane spouted, desperately trying to speak over the Volcano’s ferocious rumble.
The thrashing’s strength increased one more time, loosening and dropping boulders left and right barely breezing past Dane. He was on the verge opening his mouth for one more shout of mercy when suddenly, and abruptly the shaking stopped.
Dane gratefully whispered a “thank you” and quickly found a clearing farther away from the ledge to rest. After he found a oddly shaped rock to sit on he pondered what he had said to the gods his people worshiped so happily in the village. What he had said about investigating the volcano was a hundred percent true. Dane was investigating. He was investigating Mt. Kasai’s dormancy, and along with that the dormancy of the legendary pokemon Entie, which rested in its cradle. Piecing everything a lot together Dane silently came to the conclusion Entie has awoken.
Dane smiled, jumped up and reached for his veiled waist. He swiftly extracted a pokeball and sent a red beam from it. Out emerged a Crobat.

“Crobat!” Dane piped grinning. “immediately find the other elders and report that the Volcano Pokemon has risen!” The Crobat speedily flapped off leaving Dane grinning thinking of actually seeing the legendary fire dog.


A few things I realized myself is that i have a really really long build up to like just a realization....... and I need a better way to create excitement then a continuously shaking chasm....... xD


August 21st, 2008, 12:44 PM
This loosely garbed man was a local.

Piecing everything a lot together Dane silently came to the conclusion Entie has awoken.

“Crobat!” Dane piped grinning. “Immediately find the other elders and report that the Volcano Pokemon has risen!”

^ Sentences that need revised/ grammar errors.

No spelling errors.

I like the concept and what you have so far. You were very descriptive except for the inside of the volcano.

I know you said this was a draft, but I would like to see more.

p.s. If you need a word processor for free click here (http://www.openoffice.org/) and then click download.

August 21st, 2008, 12:53 PM
It is a really good beginning and I like it. I enjoy the legendary dogs as well. The one thing I notcied was Entie should be Entei. At least thats what I usually see. But overall, I think it is good, just use Kcander's advice and it should be a good story. I hope to read further!

Blue Angel
August 21st, 2008, 4:46 PM
Just some small errors that I saw.
Like you don't have enough commas to help with the flow of the sentences, and there is no spacing in between paragraphs. I saw so many comma issues - but I always do. If you want me to point some or as many as I can, out, then feel free to ask me. :)

Most reviewers will refuse to attempt reading a story that does not have proper spacing.

Make sure you press "Enter" twice in between paragraphs and changes of person in dialog.

I may seem cruel at times, but I am here to help ^^

It is a good and interesting idea, you just need to work on the presentation of it more.