View Full Version : Pokemon Symphony! (any good?)

August 4th, 2009, 9:28 AM
Well, Im posting here, but only in chapters. You can read it all at once (what is finished anyway) by clicking a link in my signature, but I'll keep posting. If you really like it, tell me please!

Pokémon Symphony
The small, calm, and homey beach town of Prelude. It is only home to a small number of residents, all of whom live happily but without much excitement. The young children of Prelude Town have never been to the world outside of their homes. The many tourists that come to visit Prelude Beach often like to share grand stories of travel throughout the wondrous land of Harmone. Some even hail from faraway lands such as Hoen, Kanto, Sinnoh, Jhoto, Almia, Orre, and many more. Such tales have always amazed and astounded both the jovial children, and the adults who never adventured. While most of the kids dreamt of someday journeying off on their own grand adventures, one particularly shy boy was content with his home life. The boy didn’t have many friends, and those he did make, he interacted with little. His name was Kalak.
Kalak lived with his mother and father, neither of whom had ever been travelers. All that he had known of adventure was that which he watched on TV, and heard from tourists. That was also all that he knew of Pokémon. He had seen them before, many times to be sure. He had never interacted with them however. Just the same, Kalak rarely played with other children. He had but one friend in all his young life, and that was the girl next door, Kira. Kira was always kind to Kalak, even though much of the effort came from her. Kalak would talk with her and play on the beach with her, and they would sometimes even pretend to adventure through the world while they played in the nearby woods. There was never a time, however, that Kalak truly showed any interest unless Kira came looking for him. Kira only lived with her mother and her Pokémon, Eevee. Eevee had been a parting gift from her father when he went off to adventure as he once had, leaving his family behind.
One day, Kira- who was now 11 years of age, one year younger than Kalak- came to his bedroom with a tear in her eye. She was leaving Prelude Town with her Eevee to start an adventure of her own, and she knew that Kalak would not come with her. Her last words to him were:
“Do me a favor…and promise me that we will meet again…That we may share a destiny…”
She said this as she left Kalak with a kiss on the cheek and a few more tears. All that Kalak could do was look sad and nod with a single tear on his face. Kira began to walk slowly down the stairs, and then she turned and smiled, tears still shimmering, and said:
“Goodbye Kalak, wish me luck!” It would be four years until Kalak would be able to keep his promise…But on his 16th birthday, his entire life would collide head on with what can only be described as a symphony of destinies!
Without Kira
The years that followed Kira’s leave from Prelude found Kalak falling into depression, as he never made any friends. He began to realize that although he’d never realized it before, having a friend like Kira made him very happy. He now felt utterly alone other than his parents. He was 12 years old when she left town, and on his 13th birthday, he met his best friend for life. His gift from his parents was something he had never dreamed of. The previous night, his father had left for the nearby store in Chime Town. It turned out that his business there had been purchasing a very common, yet very special item. It was a single pokéball.
“This is so cool! I wonder what kind of Pokémon I can catch out in the woods” Kalak said, his golden eyes lighting up enthusiastically.
“Please be careful Kalak,” his mother interrupted. “Don’t go much further than the woods…We wouldn’t want you to find any trouble!” Kalak promised and ran out the door with a broad smile flashing at everyone in town. He dashed into the woods and down the familiar paths he had spent hours on with Kira, suddenly remembering her and wishing she could be there to see this. Upon finding his first few Pokémon, he discovered that he was a bit frightened of them out here without Eevee to protect him. He continuously ran from them as soon as he encountered them.
Kalak was beginning to lose hope of ever finding a friend since he was too afraid to even approach one. In his sorrow, it was difficult to hear a far off cry that sounded weakly and quickly. More cries broke the still evening air, and Kalak eventually decided to investigate. What he found was something that saddened and excited him at the same time. It was a Pokémon that he had never seen in the area before, however it was badly injured from battling. He knew that this was a Shinx because he had seen them on television shows, but never once had a Shinx entered Prelude as did the occasional Zigzagoon or Wurmple. The way its blue fur matched his hair color made Kalak toy with the idea that they would look great together. Cautiously, he approached the Pokémon and made sure it was not going to harm him. Then, he scooped it up in his arms and ran as quickly as he could in the direction of his house, then stopped suddenly. He realized that there would be nothing he could do for it there. So he ran the other way towards Chime Town. There was a pokécenter there that could heal the wounded Shinx. After a long run, the breathless boy rushed through the sliding glass doors of the pokécenter, wondering what to do next. Then he remembered a time when he and Kira had been playing in the woods and Eevee was knocked out by a wild Zigzagoon. They had run to this same place and handed her pokéball to the nurse at the front desk. Kalak approached the desk and asked a red haired woman if she was a nurse, even though her outfit gave that much away.
“Oh, your Shinx! He looks bad! Hand him to me, please.” She said in an urgent but soft voice. She seemed like a very nice woman. After only a few minutes of waiting, the nurse returned the Shinx in perfect condition to Kalak, who thanked her very much. Before leaving with Shinx at his side, he turned and asked,
“Excuse me…do you know if a red haired girl who has an Eevee ever comes through here?” He suddenly felt stupid for asking, but was surprised by the woman’s response.

“Actually, I do.” The nurse said rather quickly. “Are you talking about a girl named Kira? She returns here every now and then, but she never goes to Prelude Town. That’s where she lives though, isn’t it? I seem to remember her and yourself coming here once long ago, simply because an Eevee is no common sight. I thought you looked familiar, by the way” She said with a smile.

“Oh, ok…well…thank you, um…nurse” Kalak said weakly.

“Please, you may call me Nurse Joy” she corrected.

“Oh, Nurse Joy…Ok. My name is Kalak…but I doubt I will be coming here often” Kalak said. “Thank you very much again…goodbye” Then he left and the Shinx followed him out. After a short walk back in the direction of the woods, Kalak turned to Shinx.

“Listen, you…I wanted to help you out there because I care about you. And you seem to not mind my company…so I have to ask you this. Will you come with me, back to my home and be my friend? I promise you’ll like it, and you may have heard that I used to have an Eevee for a friend, but that she went with that girl I knew. I know that I can’t be that bad if Eevee liked me! She was always very particular about the people she liked…very much like her trainer…” Kalak said, his mind momentarily reminiscing once more. Shinx seemed to perk up upon hearing this offer, clearly grateful for being saved and also taking a liking to Kalak. He nodded once with a small bark and jumped towards Kalak. He jumped up, grabbing the pokéball from its place on Kalak’s belt in his teeth. It then nudged it towards Kalak’s feet in encouragement.
After a second of observing the small sphere that glowed softly red and orange in the light of the setting sun, Kalak tossed it lightly in the air in an arc towards Shinx. Just moments before hitting him, it stopped in midair, opened with a hollow sound, and then it released a bright red stream of energy that encompassed the smiling Shinx. Engulfed in energy, Shinx’s form disappeared and the energy returned to the ball as it dropped to the ground with another hollow noise.
Suddenly, the ball rebounded to Kalak who barely caught it. He had a wide smile on his face as he observed the sphere, no longer aglow as the sun had set in that lightning quick instant in which Shinx had been caught. He smiled even more as he tossed the ball again and called out: “Go, Shinx!” The ball rebounded again, releasing red beams as it did so and Shinx emerged, smiling as well. The new friends embraced for a moment before turning around and walking back to Shinx’s new home in Prelude Town.
Upon arriving, Kalak’s parents rushed from the kitchen table to the door to welcome him home and ask why he had stayed out so late. They had been about to call the police.
“You guys, I’m ok. I’m sorry I stayed out for such a long time, but I can explain myself. I ran into an injured Pokémon in the woods and took it all the way to Chime’s pokécenter to have it healed!” Kalak explained in a hurry. He was still kind of breathless from running home.

“You did all that? But why bother Kalak? You know that Pokémon get better on their own sweetie. They heal quickly due to their nature” His father asked.

“Well, there was something about this one dad…you should meet him! Come on in boy!” Kalak called out the door, no longer hiding his excitement from his parents. Shinx stepped nervously through the door and gave a weak, happy bark, looking for approval.

“Oh, Kalak, he’s adorable! Look at that hon, he caught a Shinx!” Kalak’s mom squealed.
“Congratulations Kalak! You know, Shinx are very rare in Harmone. They say that there are many in far off lands, but that they aren’t native here. This one must’ve somehow found its way over from the Sinnoh region! What a catch son!” His dad exclaimed proudly with some amazement in his tone.

“Shinx and I are going to be best friends you guys! Right pal?” Kalak said to Shinx. Shinx gave an approving bark, followed by a wet kiss, and then the two went up to Kalak’s room to sleep for the night. Before falling asleep however, Kalak talked to Shinx about Kira and how even though she was gone, he wouldn’t be lonely anymore. This had been his best birthday ever.

Even though Kalak didn’t know it, Kira hadn’t forgotten his birthday. Far away from Prelude town, in the large but peaceful Serenade City, Kira sat under the stars, listening to the sound of the nearby waterfall with Eevee and her Ralts and Pidgey, wishing him a silent happy birthday with tears that hadn’t been shed for almost a year. Kalak even awoke the next morning to find a small wrapped box sitting outside his doorstep addressed to him. It seemed to bear talon marks, and contained a card with a photograph of Kira and her Pokémon on it. The present was some money and a photo of Kira, Eevee, and Kalak in a silver frame with a pokéball on it. The card read:

Kalak, happy birthday! I’m sorry for not visiting at all, but I have been busy lately. I have made some new friends, and hopefully you have as well. My friends however, are Pokémon. I have captured a Pidgey and a Ralts. And guess what? I’m taking the gym challenge! Tell everybody hello, especially my mother. I will visit someday, I promise…It just may not be soon. I miss you the most of all Kalak. No new friend can replace you.
Wishing you the best, Kira and Eevee.

P.S.- It seems like Eevee misses you a lot. When I bring you up, she whines a little!

JX Valentine
August 4th, 2009, 9:59 AM
A couple things to note right off the bat. First off, hi. I can see that you're new to the forums, but at the risk of sounding like I'm mini-modding, you'll want to know where everything goes. See, the Writer's Lounge is for discussing different aspects of writing itself or to get feedback on ideas, et cetera. If you want us to comment on your story, it actually goes in the main forum, Pokémon Fan Fiction & Poetry. Note the difference between threads in both forums.

Moreover, it's a bit difficult for me to read for two reasons that both can be summed up with "I don't have great eyesight." First off, your writing is actually somewhat tiny. If you could, could you strip your posts of code or at least increase your font size by one?

Second, normally, Times New Roman in that size isn't that bad, but the main problem is the paragraph spacing. I've noticed when I hit reply-with-quote that you use indentations. You'll want to know that a board doesn't actually read indents (unless you know how to specifically tell it to), so instead, it just removes that nice little tab. Hence, writing on the internet tends to be a little different than writing on paper. Instead of indenting every paragraph, you hit the enter key twice to produce a blank line of space like I did with these paragraphs (or like you seem to do between dialogue later on in "Without Kira").

I'm not entirely sure if it's an issue of just not knowing when to make a paragraph break or if it's just formatting confusion, but basically, every time you go to hit that tab key to indent, hit the enter key twice instead. This will separate your paragraphs so your writing doesn't look like a wall of text. You'll want to avoid that wall-of-text feel because some readers, like yours truly, struggle with getting through large, unbroken blocks of text. For me, it's not really so much a matter of wandering interests as it is the fact that my eyes have a tendency to skip lines or go back to the beginning of lines I've just read if I see blocks of them.

In any case, fixing those issues up should help the reader a bit, and if the reader's helped, they'll have an easier time going through your work to give you feedback. Good luck with it. I might be back later.

August 4th, 2009, 10:08 AM
:/ While it may be the wrong forum to post this in (unless if you want us to review the idea as opposed to the fic?), this fic does infact need a lot of work (and I don't just mean grammar, spelling and spacing).

There are too many conflicting ideas... Such as the fact that people seem to be unable to meet each other again (why is that?). I'm talking about Kira's father, and Kira herself. Perhaps if you had clarified the era the characters lived in, that might help. And if it was the present, then there can be times when they can come back (Ash does it in the anime). If anything there is the phone. If it is some kind of honourific thing to complete, before returning, then perhaps you should mention that.

Also, you mention the town in general to be pretty unadventuress, yet Kira all of a sudden decides to go, regardless of what her friend thinks. Now this can be solved though, and that would be through character development, which is neglected. If you had given the reader some hints (other than her being the instigator in the friendship), then perhaps it may make sense.

Also you might want to at least explain that perhaps the reason why his parents suddenly bought him a pokeball, because they noticed how depressed he was. But on the other hand, from the prologue, the reader get's the idea that Kalak doesn't really care for Pokemon that much (that it wouldn't really help his depression).

Also you should describe the pokemon he first encounters and clarify that the Eevee he had been with, was Kira's.

You also might want to clarify that Shinx was unconcious, if not, even in its weak state, I imagine it would defend itself from being harmed by or preceived to be harmed by Kalak.

Also it sounds as though 5 seconds pass in handing Shinx to Nurse Joy then getting it back, all healed. I'd imagine it taking longer.

Again you'll have to explain why Kira chooses not to return home, but doesn't stay to far in this other town.

You know that Pokémon get better on their own sweetie. They heal quickly due to their nature” His father asked

Two things wrong with that, I doubt the dad would call his son 'sweetie', and you'd have to clarify this "nature" as it ebs away from canon. Sure like humans we heal over time, but sometimes this requires aid.

You might want to develop the relationship between Kalak and Shinx better too. Like: why would Shinx submit to being Kalak's pokemon so quickly for example.

Wait it's his birthday now?

Would she really be sending money?

Would you "capture" friends?

All in all, you really need to work on realism, and character development. These two things go hand in hand and help move the fic, not only in a realistic manner that makes sense for the reader, but to help keep the story interesting.

August 4th, 2009, 12:51 PM
Thanks a lot guys, I definetly understand what you mean. Not only the things I skipped over in my typing, but yes I am indeed very new here so now I know where to put things, so thanks for that too. I'll try to take your advice as best I can, and hopefully things will turn out better. It is my first try after all. Thanks again, Kalak.

Misheard Whisper
August 4th, 2009, 12:54 PM
TBH, there is a note in the header bar that says 'remember, all fics go in the main forum'. >_> I can't review properly, because I'm having even more trouble reading this than Jax is.

August 4th, 2009, 2:26 PM
yea sorry about the way it's typed guys. I'm going to put it where it belongs now, and try to fix that!!