View Full Version : The Dark Tale

August 9th, 2009, 12:46 PM

It was a dark night. It was raining heavily. A woman in a cloak is lurking in a somber alley, all one could see of her hooded face is her light-blonde hair.

"Autumn! There you are!" a man of similar cloak shouted from the other end of the alley. A yellow Charmeleon followed right behind him.

"Curtis, maybe it will matter to you, but not to me..." Autumn then removed her hood. She was light-skinned, with a sinister presence in her blue eyes.

"Don't... I knew ever since the day I met you, you were very unique, but I also knew you would try to do this..." Curtis then approached Autumn, and looked into her eyes and saw tears.

"No, I have to do what has to happen..." Autumn gave a note to Curtis. It was worn out and old, it was a page ripped out of a book.

"Dear Diary,

This is the day I met Curtis. He was very different. He gave me my first Pokémon, a Zangoose. I named it Crimson, after its color. Curtis helped me train, and when we trained, he told me something. When he was young, he saw a Darkrai, it looked into him,
but it walked away. After we trained, I saw a Darkrai, it must be the same Darkrai. It looked into me, and I sensed something, it was calling me to join it. Now I feel more dark every second. I never felt this way before, I never told anyone about this. Maybe one day..." The text was too faded to read. But Curtis knew what it she wrote down.

"I know, I've read your eyes... I remembered the Darkrai of my youth... Your eyes told me you met the same Darkrai. But no, that Darkrai... I've heard it is trained by the most sinister trainer. If you join it, no one knows what will happen!" Curtis then gave back the note to Autumn. Autumn's tears then fell harder to the floor.

"I'm sorry, this is too much... I have to join it, my feelings have changed. Now, I must leave." Autumn then turned around, crying harder than ever. Curtis then put his hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, but just remember... the words I've said..." Autumn then took Curtis' hand off her.

"But, maybe this will be the last we would talk to each other. I may not feel the same way about you ever again." Autumn then pulled an oddly colored Poké Ball out of her pocket. "I'm sorry, but I have no other choice, if I don't stop you, you will follow me and try to stop me." Autumn then took out her Zangoose, Crimson.

"If it's the only way..." Suddenly, everything around them faded, along with themselves. A black haired man named Bronson awoke in his room. His Raichu was asleep. It was midnight.

"What was that dream... I never understood it, I keep on dreaming about it, over and over again... I guess I better sleep." Bronson then laid his head on his pillow.

To Be Continued

What do you think about this fanfic. Leave comments, and criticism, if needed.

August 9th, 2009, 6:01 PM
Very, very interesting.

I love how the Darkrai turned to him when he was a child. Before walking on, it seems very sinister and quite creepy. I really enjoyed reading this and I was least expecting him to wake up and wonder, was it a dream, clearly it was, but it had a more sinister meaning that what he assumed, I think.

I wonder what it meant. You should describe his Pokémon more, what unique features they have to give them more character and emotion. Other than that I really enjoyed this and am excited for the next chapter.

9/10 - Add more description next time and make it longer and you will soon be on your way to 10.


Misheard Whisper
August 9th, 2009, 8:53 PM
1st main problem. I read your first paragraph, and in it you skipped from past tense - "It was a dark night. It was raining heavily." to present tense - "A woman in a cloak is dwelling". Not to mention the fact that 'dwelling' means 'living', which I don't think is what you're aiming for here, eh? So I recommend changing that, and picking a tense to stick with without jumping around.

Autumn then removed her hood, she was light skinned, with a sinister presence in her blue eyes.
Runon sentence. This means you need to break it up into more than one sentence, such as
Autumn then removed her hood. FULL STOP. NEW SENTENCE. She was light-skinned probably needs a hyphen, with a sinister presence in her blue eyes.
I won't go through and point out all of these, but there are a few.

"Curtis, Maybe it will matter to you, but not to me..." That 'Maybe' doesn't warrant capitalisation. It's not the start of a sentence, is it?

Oh, and this. Prologue, not Prolog. K?

after it's color. So, you named it Crimson after it is color? That makes no sense. 'It's' is a contraction of 'it is'; 'its' shows possession, which is what you want here. That is, the color belongs to the Zangoose.

When he was young, he saw a Darkrai, it looked into him,
but it walked away. After we trained, I saw a Darkrai, it must be the same Darkrai. These are both nasty runon sentences, so I recommend rewriting it, and a few others. You have a problem with these, and I'm not gonna pull each of them out for you. I'm not your beta. Speaking of which, I highly recommend you get one. They come in handy for a beginning writer.

I'm not gonna go on, as I think you have the general gist of it. So in short, fix runon sentences, maybe get a beta (recommended), and actually take some pride in your work, because right now it seems like you're not putting much effort in.

August 9th, 2009, 10:33 PM
Oh, and this. Prologue, not Prolog. K?
To quote the owl: o rly?

It was hard to find, but I had the time, so I did a little digging. "Prolog" is mainly used for the fifth generation language. But Wikipedia, dictionary.com, and my Merriam-Webster dictionary all have "prolog" as another spelling for the preface of a story. It's rarely used, though, but is another accepted spelling, apparently.

It's sort of like how a conversation can be spelled either "dialogue" or "dialog".

For more of a review (which I wish I could give a more detailed one):

"Autumn! There you are!" A man of similar cloak shouted from the other end of the alley.
"Shouted" is a dialog tag, which means that it is describing how the speech is said. Dialogue tags go along with the dialog, so you got a case of improper capitalization here. It should be "'Autumn! There you are!' a man of similar cloak shouted from the other end of the alley."

It is confusing, I know. (Took me a while to get it!) But when you have a dialog tag, it follows as part of the dialog and punctuated as such.

For other examples:

"Hi," he said.

He said, "Hi."

"Hello there!" he shouted.

He shouted, "Hello there!"

"Hello there!" He gave a wave.

The last one "He gave a wave" isn't a dialog tag because it isn't describing how he said the dialog, so it is a new sentence.


Hope this helps you out! And good luck!

March 14th, 2010, 8:08 AM
"It's the only way..." Curtis whispered to himself. Curtis then looked at his yellow Charmeleon. "Charmie! Attack with Flamethrower!"

The Charmeleon released fire from its snout. The fire was headed to Crimson, with the heavy rain pouring from the sky, the power was weakened. Crimson then attacked back a Crush Claw, crushing Charmie with vicious long claws. Charmeleon was bruised.

"I don't even have to command him..." Autumn whispered. Autumn then stepped back a few steps with the rain splattering all over her brown shoes.

"Charmie! Use Aerial Ace!" Curtis yelled. Charmie then jumped up to the sky, and dove with sharp metal claws. When Charmie was about to hit it, Crimson used his arms to protect him. The sharp claws hardly left a scratch on him. Charmie stood behind him in awe, then out of nowhere, Crimson flew back and held on to Charmie and pinned him to a wall, he attacked with great speed and punched him with intense power. Charmie's yellow skin turned bruised by each attack.

"FINISH HIM!" Autumn yelled from across the alley. Crimson then jumped from the wall, lifting Charmie and throwing him to the ground, then finishing him with a Rock Slide. Charmie then had little Yellow, and was bruised all over. Charmie laid flat on the ground as Crimson returned to his owner.

"Fatality..." Autumn whispered. Autumn then returned Crimson back to her Poké Ball. Curtis ran to his bruised Charmeleon and held him.

"I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!!" Crimson screamed to Autumn. Autumn then put on her dark hood and disappeared into the darkness. Curtis then walked slowly as he carried his weak Pokémon down the alley. The darkness then faded away, along with everything else. Bronson then woke up from his sleep.

"What was that!!??" Bronson yelled out of nowhere. His Raichu then woke up, still half-asleep. Bronson then carried his Raichu.

"I'm sorry, it was just a nightmare." Bronson then carried his Raichu to his soft bed and slept... Visions of dark figures kept going on in his head... The blue eyed girl, the yellow Charmeleon, a powerful Zangoose. It all made sense to him, but how? He didn't know. He laid in his bed, when unknowingly, he faded away along with his Raichu. He disappeared into the darkness of the night...

To Be Continued

Editor's Note: I know I haven't wrote a chapter for a long while, and this seems to be a little short, but oh well. Enjoy.