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It's a poem! read it!...haha...now

John Denver

Banned
8,290
Posts
20
Years
The Truth

What is pain but a feeling
Love but a thought
Laughter but a speech
That ends up for naught

What is Joy but a premise
A Friend but a corpse
Everything dies
Except for remorse

When you think about life
you'll soon get depressed
of all there is to think
about sin's duress

I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
 

Blaine

Mon chere...
828
Posts
20
Years
I have corrections. Mmkay-daisy, "joy" does not need to be capitalized even if it is used as a noun or like an emotion or jeez... Do you get what I'm saying? Same for "friend". You used the second person pronoun "you'll" as well as a contraction. No no no... In poetry and writing in basic, general rule, no contractions. Replace "you'll" with "one shall". Capitalize the first words of the last stanza like you did in the others.

Angst... I see so much of it when I go to competition. Overall, Dakota, it's not your best.

And yes, do not think like this. It'll screw you up really badly and you'll have to go through years of therapy like me and take icky medicines. So be angst free.

And as always, please pardon my critisism. You know I'm only offering advice.
 

John Denver

Banned
8,290
Posts
20
Years
Girl from Tennessee

In Tennessee down where the buffalo roam
Lives a girl, named Blaine, in a Tennessee home
With a Tennessee sis and a Tennessee life
She'll court a Tennessee man an' be a Tennessee wife

Tennesse you say? Where on earth would that be?
On the eastern USA you would find Tennessee
With it's long, narrow look...Tennessee is all plain
That is, until you meet, my good buddy Blaine

She'll liven you up with Tennessee chatter
And write a Tennessee poem about Tennessee matters
As a lyricist goes she's a Tennessee best
And she'll ask you not to look at her Tennessee chest

Heh, I had to add that last part...BOO ya!
 

Brittany

Back?
4,294
Posts
19
Years
Blaine said:
I have corrections. Mmkay-daisy, "joy" does not need to be capitalized even if it is used as a noun or like an emotion or jeez... Do you get what I'm saying? Same for "friend". You used the second person pronoun "you'll" as well as a contraction. No no no... In poetry and writing in basic, general rule, no contractions. Replace "you'll" with "one shall". Capitalize the first words of the last stanza like you did in the others.

Angst... I see so much of it when I go to competition. Overall, Dakota, it's not your best.

And yes, do not think like this. It'll screw you up really badly and you'll have to go through years of therapy like me and take icky medicines. So be angst free.

And as always, please pardon my critisism. You know I'm only offering advice.
Click to expand...
That's not advice, that's rubbish. As any real poet would know, he can capitalize any words he wants in order to better show his emotions or reflect his feelings. Poetry has no rules, in fact, the only way we can really determine if something is poetry or not is how we accept it, and I guess you don't accept that work at all.

I like the poems, keep up the good work Lulu!
 

Shana

bigmouth strikes again.
4,617
Posts
19
Years
Dakota said:
The Truth

What is pain but a feeling
Love but a thought
Laughter but a speech
That ends up for naught

What is Joy but a premise
A Friend but a corpse
Everything dies
Except for remorse

When you think about life
you'll soon get depressed
of all there is to think
about sin's duress

I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
Click to expand...
Awesome poem...I like it a lot.
 

Blaine

Mon chere...
828
Posts
20
Years
Dakota said:
Girl from Tennessee

In Tennessee down where the buffalo roam
Lives a girl, named Blaine, in a Tennessee home
With a Tennessee sis and a Tennessee life
She'll court a Tennessee man an' be a Tennessee wife

Tennesse you say? Where on earth would that be?
On the eastern USA you would find Tennessee
With it's long, narrow look...Tennessee is all plain
That is, until you meet, my good buddy Blaine

She'll liven you up with Tennessee chatter
And write a Tennessee poem about Tennessee matters
As a lyricist goes she's a Tennessee best
And she'll ask you not to look at her Tennessee chest

Heh, I had to add that last part...BOO ya!
Click to expand...
My dear Dakota, you're ruining my hard outside. How can I be Miss Jolly Rancher if I'm not tough? ^^''' I appreciate the flattery? I'm just blushing as red as the autumn leaves. I do hope I won't alope to a Tennessee man though... Heheh. But yep, Tennessee is as plain as our front door, though I must say we know how to have a fun time at a football game. Haha. Darn those second person pronouns, arrrr. Hehe. How can I begin to correct your poetry when I'm reverted to a bundle of laughter?

LittleFascistPanties16 said:
That's not advice, that's rubbish. As any real poet would know, he can capitalize any words he wants in order to better show his emotions or reflect his feelings. Poetry has no rules, in fact, the only way we can really determine if something is poetry or not is how we accept it, and I guess you don't accept that work at all.
Click to expand...
I can only shrug and say that as you have opinions, I do as well. Poetry has many many rules. There is no such thing as a concept without boundaries. Only published poets have right to a poetic liscense. Poetry is not my forte; I am an essayist at heart. And my corrections convey my niche. Like beauty, acceptance is in the eye of the beholder. Only may one's person determine if she accepts a piece or not. Call it rubbish if you must, but I see nothing wrong with constructive criticism.
 

Brittany

Back?
4,294
Posts
19
Years
Blaine said:
I can only shrug and say that as you have opinions, I do as well. Poetry has many many rules. There is no such thing as a concept without boundaries. Only published poets have right to a poetic liscense. Poetry is not my forte; I am an essayist at heart. And my corrections convey my niche. Like beauty, acceptance is in the eye of the beholder. Only may one's person determine if she accepts a piece or not. Call it rubbish if you must, but I see nothing wrong with constructive criticism.
Click to expand...
Since when did poems have any real rules? That almost completely trashes the concept of poetry in the first place. If you can't express what you feel, or what you need to say, the way that you feel it needs to be done, then what can we consider poetry? People make line breaks(in the wrong areas), spelling errors, and capitalization(where it doesn't really need it), just to better express the way they feel about the subject they portray. The only real rule, is that there are no rules.
 

Blaine

Mon chere...
828
Posts
20
Years
LittleFascistPanties16 said:
Since when did poems have any real rules? That almost completely trashes the concept of poetry in the first place. If you can't express what you feel, or what you need to say, the way that you feel it needs to be done, then what can we consider poetry? People make line breaks(in the wrong areas), spelling errors, and capitalization(where it doesn't really need it), just to better express the way they feel about the subject they portray. The only real rule, is that there are no rules.
Click to expand...
I'm not going to sit and have a quarrel of pens. You can choose to ignore my comments if it would make you feel better. We all see things differently and are entitled to our own opinions. Ours are dissimilar, end of story.
 

John Denver

Banned
8,290
Posts
20
Years
Just Remember

There are lots of times when one might say
"What if I took my life today?
I tell you now, to reconsider
A choice like that is always bitter

Your life, your soul, your memories
Taken away with painful ease
End your time on God's green earth?
Make your death as natural as birth!

When your time is done, let it be good
Don't end it shorter than you should
Cherish the moment, forget the bad
Remember the wonderful times you had!

If ever I need say something more
Suicide holds one more thing in store
Though self-destruction leaves a mortal welt
You kill you friends as you do yourself

meh...I'm done for today
 

John Denver

Banned
8,290
Posts
20
Years
The day

My life was initially ruined
the day I told her I loved her
why did I do it?
heat of the moment where
anything you want to do
you'll do
without ever thinking of the consequences.
Idiot.

I'm losing my friends in
what seems to be an overnight occasion
and there's nothing I can do about it!
Why did I tell her
that I loved her
when at the time that she thought I didn't
my life was fine
 
Last edited:

John Denver

Banned
8,290
Posts
20
Years
I changed it to make it easier to read...if you think my poems are good, you should see blaines work in Other Writing

it SPANKS mine
 

John Denver

Banned
8,290
Posts
20
Years
Bothered

What I once was the king of all
Now I'm just a lowly nooB
Punched and Beaten
By those I once respected
As friends
good friends
best friends
What once was regarded as funny is now annoying
Cool now stupid
Smart now un-intelligent
What happened? Why did it happen?
The only ones that know the answers to those questions
are the ones that are beating me.
 

Kelsey

~-*-~-*-~-*-~
1,912
Posts
19
Years
  • Seen Mar 30, 2005
I like it, Dakota. I think the flow's a wee bit choppy, but then, I have had poems like that as well. The peom's meaning is as clear as day. I just rated Liquid Lighting's poem and also found that the flow could use some work, but his peom's meaning stood out very well also. Your poem suggests a theory that even simple peeaceful things can be dark. Like the thought of all your friends dying out. Or even staring blankly at a beautiful blooming rose to watch it suddenly wilt in the moonlight. Very good poem. 9/10

~Kelsey

EDIT: This rating was for teh first poem, just so's you know. ^_^
 

PikaPal

Ghost Type Master
2,002
Posts
19
Years
Dakota said:
The Truth

What is pain but a feeling
Love but a thought
Laughter but a speech
That ends up for naught

What is Joy but a premise
A Friend but a corpse
Everything dies
Except for remorse

When you think about life
you'll soon get depressed
of all there is to think
about sin's duress

I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
Click to expand...

I like this poem. It really does make you think about why in the world do we exsist if life just sux anyways? You have to pick out tthe positives in life, not the negatives!
 

John Denver

Banned
8,290
Posts
20
Years
On my first poem, I really only meant the first 4 lines to be meaningful at all...the next two stanzas are rushed and un-important, the first 4 lines (or mainly first 2) tell you everything.
 
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