View Full Version : [Pokémon] The Pokemon Thief

October 2nd, 2009, 1:01 AM
It was a storming night in Veilstone City. Professor Mena was making gadgets for her master. Her master was a young female named Alice. She was a spy working for Mew. Her boss, Mew, could talk in english. Alice was getting ready to stop a Pokemon Thief on the loose in Hearthome City. Mew was also wondering who the Pokemon Thief could be working for.

The next day, Professor Mena sent Alice to Hearthome City, with her partner Pokemon Eevee. Alice nicknamed Eevee 'Vexy.' When Alice went pass Salaceon Town. A man walked up to Alice and Vexy. He said "You... are... a... SPY!" Alice was shocked! Alice's identity was supose to be a secret, no one is to know Alice is a spy. Alice then said "H-how did you know?" "I didn't. Until now!" The old man said...


October 2nd, 2009, 1:00 PM
Hey there. Don't be shocked or anything. I'm actually not here to close your thread. I'm here to offer advice so you can make your next chapter better, since right now it's a borderline "doesn't meet the standards" thread.

But we can make it better.

On the plus side, I do commend you for not having any spelling errors. This is a good thing, so definitely keep it up.

When Alice went pass Salaceon Town. A man walked up to Alice and Vexy.
These two sentences are supposed to be one, so combine them with a comma after "town", and a lower-case "a".

He said "You... are... a... SPY!"
For dialogue tags like this, you need a comma after it and before the dialogue. So it's "He said, "You... are... a... SPY!""

Also, I know that you were going for a dramatic reveal, but try not to overuse the ellipsis (...) too much. And maybe put the word "spy" in italics () instead of caps?

Alice then said "H-how did you know?"
Same thing here with the dialogue tag. A comma after "said".

"I didn't. Until now!" The old man said...
Now here, because it's still a dialogue tag, "the" is lower-cased because it's still connected to the sentence before it. It describes how the dialogue was said.

One good thing you can do is when you have two people talking, you put each person's dialogue in their own paragraph (press the Enter button twice). So Alice's conversation with the man would be:

"How did you know?"

"I didn't. Until now!"

Salaceon Town
It's "Solaceon Town". If you're not sure about the name of a place used in canon, there are many places you can look it up online.

And that's it for grammar (that I can see, but I'm not the best at it).

Now what else can you add to fix up your story? Description. Add in the backstory for this story. Tell the reader about Professor Mena, and Alice, and Mew, and where they are. All I know is that they are in Veilstone City. But where in that city? In a lab? A regular house? Where?

Or the journey Alice is on. There's so much to describe when a person is on a journey. Their thoughts as they travel, what they see, how they feel.

Really, there are a few things that could always be described in a story: the full narration, the surroundings and people in a physical sense, and the characters' thoughts and feelings. All these can come together when fully described to place your reader into the world you're writing about, and not make the reader want to leave.

A suggestion I have for you is to check out the Beta Thread (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=147710) and see if you can find someone there to help you. A beta reader works with you one-on-one before you actually post your story, to fix it up and help you improve.

All in all, keep it up!