View Full Version : The dark side of perfection
February 9th, 2005, 10:25 PM
My first fan-fic..any ideas to improve..?
Eric woke up to bright morning sunshine that beamed and blinded his eyes. Still tired, he crawled out of bed and changed into his school clothes. He couldn't even think straight. Last night his mother had spend almost half the night yelling at him, and when he fell asleep she would knock him in the ground to wake him up.
She was going through a divorce with Eric's father, and he wanted to be with Eric. Just the past weekend, they had tried escaping together, but eventually was sent back to live with his mother. From then on, she dispised him. Yesterday was one of those nights. 'God have mercy on me, let it not happen again." He shuddered as he said it in a small whisper.
It was still early. That meant Eric would have to wait until his mother felt like taking him to school. He was grade 9 already, how could his mother treat him that way?
After half an hour, she walked over to him. "Eric, time to go." she said in a cold voice, and dragged him out the door.
On the way to school, Eric stayed silent. He only walked a normal pace steadily, while looking at the ground. He avoided anything that would cause his mother's attention to focus on him. 'No way.' He thought, 'no way am I going to let her embarrase me again in front of all my classmates.'
When Eric finally reached school, there was nobody ther anymore. He was late again. He knew very clearly his mother was making him late so he could get scolded by the teachers, laughed at by friends, and suspected by the principal. He could not hurry up in any way, nor go off on his own. If he did his mother would beat him. He slightly turned his head to look at the marks left behind from previous beatings, and shuddered. Her mother looked at him, and he mumbled, "nothing to worry, mother."
In reply, she let him go to find his class. He was slowly freed of her hands, and walked very slowly towards his locker, and then to his class, where again, trouble was awaiting....
February 10th, 2005, 4:26 PM
This fan-fic really got my attention when I first read the part where Eric explained what was going on in his life, and how his parents were in the middle of a divorce. What really got to me though, is how his mother treats him like garbage at times, and has to walk him to school even though Eric is in grade 9... how embarassing >>'.
I love the plot, its always interesting to see a fan-fic thats related to real life, and relates to what some kids go through in this crazy world that we live in. My only gripe is the length of the first chapter because that would be pretty much the same length of a brief prolouge, in the next chapter just make it at least 25% longer then it already is. It dousn't have to be extensive in terms of length, just make it so readers get a better feel of the story.
All in all, excellent fan-fic for being your first seeing as you already write poetry, its not surprising that this first attempt turned out so good ^^'.
Also I read on your site, the stories about Lashyina Lilly great job on that one too XD.
Flygon trainer 2
February 10th, 2005, 9:21 PM
anacortes u r a girl and u like me?
February 10th, 2005, 9:32 PM
That has nothing to do with the story, it's not even a review O_o. So stop going off topic.
February 11th, 2005, 4:31 PM
Chapter 2~ (shall be longer! XD)
As soon as he was out of his mother's sight, Eric started runing, but at the same time, controlling his footsteps, trying not to make too much noise.
When he got to class, he sat as a desk closest to the door, and looked down. The teacher walked over to him. "Eric Wang, the fifth time you've been late, I hear. Including this, the sixth. Would you like to explain this to the principal?"
He got up, and walked out of the classroom, still staring at the ground. It was a coincidence that the principal, Mr. Lauder, was just walking by. His teacher stopped him, and had him take Eric to his office.
When he was there, he sat down. "You're late, Eric. I've heard from your mother that you don't want to come to school, and that every day she would have to drag you here, and watch you until you enter your classroom, is that correct?"
Eric had no choice. Mr. Lauder of course, didn't know about his mother. If he said the truth, Mr. Lauder would go to his mother and ask what it was all about. He couldn't do that, of course.
"Did you hear me? Is it correct?"
"I suppose, yes Mr. Lauder.."
Mr. Lauder frowned. "Well, tomorrow you are to be here on time. Got that?"
"Ok, remember that, and of course if you don't want to face me again, you'd be smart to do as I say. As for now, you've missed one class already. Go now, Eric, and don't forget what I told you."
Once outside of Mr. Lauder's office, Eric checked his schedule. It was P.E. class right now. He ran to the gym, and was gretted by a cold welcome by his classmates.
He made it through the rest of the morning, and at lunch time, he sat with his best friend, Sharon, in the cafeteria.
"So, what was that thing all about? More parent troubles?" Sharon asked with some concern.
Eric sighed. "As always. You didn't have to ask to know that anyways. I feel like hiding in the cafeteria today. As long as they don't kick me out, I'll stay in a corner and maybe talk with you. I have a bad feeling today. Something is going to happen and it's not going to be very nice."
Sharon followed him into a small corner inside the cafeteria after they finished with lunch and put the dirty trays back. When Eric turned around, Sharon's face was pale, staring at him.
"Eric, you've got like ten spiders crawling out of your pockets!" She screamed.
Eric rushed to the washroom, where a crowd gathered around Sharon outside the door. They were all asking what happened, but she didn't reply. Soon they left, all calling her a coward, being afraid of spiders. She didn't care, for as long as Eric was okay, she could handle anything and not take it seriously at all.
February 19th, 2005, 6:36 PM
Spiders...? Oh, his mom put them there!! XD Bad guess. But the story is intresting so far. I'd like to see how this turns out.
February 19th, 2005, 11:10 PM
Eric walked out of the washroom, scared half to death. "The crowd is gone right now, but I don't knw how I'll be able to face others in class." He checked his schedule. "Darn it! We're in different classes next. I'll meet you in Math after, let's see who can handle it better!" Eric tried to get some humour in his voice, but still had a qwery feeling inside him.
Sharon waved to Eric as she walked to her class. She worried about him, how would those guys treat him? He had enough already, no need for any more peer pressure. It was just too much for him. She was startled as her other friend Kelsi tapped her on the shoulder.
"Hey, I saw you deep in thought. You'll need some thinking minds working in Math class, definitly.Tell me what happened, ok? You don't look that good at all."
"Huh? Oh Hi Kelsi. Why arn't you with your boyfriend Mitchell?" She replied, and remembering, said. "Oh, you're in different classes. I'd wish that me and Eric were in the same class. Something happened to him. I don't have to tell you, you'll know when you start class."
"Mitchell and Eric are in the same class, no need to worry, they'll get along. Even thought they used to be love rivals.." Kelsi's voice trailed off. Of course, Eric was her ex-boyfriend.
As they entered the class, they were greeted by a giant crowd. "Sharon, tell us what you feel, dating a coward!"
Sharon managed to keep away from them, and as the teacher spoke, all quieted down.
Meanwhile in Eric's class, Mitchell had been able to keep the crowds away. Sometime when he thought about it, it was a better idea to be with Sharon instead. Kelsi and Eric had almost that same merciless type of parents, but Eric's situation was the worst. Sharon and him were both as free as a bird, they were meant for each other.
But there is nothing to say now. Nothing but to continue with what we have, and try to survive these brutal years...
February 20th, 2005, 12:35 AM
Like it. I spotted a few spelling mistakes, and the chapters could be a teensy weensy bit bigger, but, meh, its possible to read. I can't wait to see the next chapter!
February 25th, 2005, 7:50 AM
The bell rang. Eric let out a deep sigh and walked to his locker to get his stuff. His mom would be right outside the school front door waiting for him, as usual. She would walk him home, and he would still be looking down at the ground, thinking of an escape plan.
Sharon tapped his shoulder. "Hey Eric, still daydeaming? You need a better habit, or should I say, a better environment? You're going to get mental disorders this way!" she said as she walked over to her locker on the other side of Eric.
Eric didn't say a thing. He already had mental disorders, a long time ago. He'd gotten away with that with pretending he had a good attitude towads that, but now he can't take it anymore. he is powerless against the evil force. He slammed his head on his locker and slowly walked towards the front door.
His favourite couple, Kelsi and Mitchell, stopped him. They told him that his mother wasen't at the front door, tried lying to him. "Think about it, she might have been stuck home for something. This is your chance to run away! We'll help you. Come with us to the back door." Mitchell said and grabbed him. "We're goign to my house for now, and we'll help you find another place later on. The surrounding area will still be too dangerous for a crazy person like your mom. Don't you know, if you make it, you'll be living in perfection, forever!"
The three walked out the back door, ran through trees, hid behind bushes, and anything else possible. They hid him in Mitchall's closet, while his mom looked through the whole house. Kelsi insisted that Mitchell wasen't home and iit wasen't polite to look through his private things without his permission.
That was a close call. but where else could he possibly go? Nobody had the slightest idea. They decided to call Sharon, asking for her advice.
"I'm sorry, I can't help you." was her reply.
Mitchell came up with an idea. He'd gotten himself suspended for two weeks for kicking someone in the face earlier today. He could use that time to help his friend find a shelter. "We'll leave together at midnight. You can go now." He told Kelsi, then back at Eric. "She will tell Sharon about you, secretly. Now, I have some black clothing. It will be very hard to see you in the night that way. Get ready, take anything you might need." He said, opening his closet and his drawer. He handed Eric a small rock. "A lucky charm, thought you might want one." They smiled at each other, no longer as love rivals, but as a friend, willing to help another...
February 25th, 2005, 9:25 AM
Good FF, but the story is a little sad *snirvels* but anyways, keep it up!
March 3rd, 2005, 7:54 AM
Eric and Mitchell left that night, while Sharon spent it crying at Kelsi's house. It was quite clear that she was afraid that Eric would get caught by his mom, or go missing in the process. Kelsi's mother had said she couldn't stay, but after continuous begging from her daughter she hesitated, and consented.
Kelsi felt comforted to be with Sharon that night, yet also felt strange to have her sitting there, right beside her all night. In her eyes, Sharon was perfect. She could do whatever she wanted. She was always happy, while Kelsi was miserable. True, her parents have given her lots more freedom than Eric, but compared to the others her age, she's no more than an overprotected child, not a teenager in grade 9.
Sharon had been happy all her life, but from this day on, until the return of her beloved Eric, she would never act the same again. As Kelsi sat there that night, sleepless, she couldn't stop thinking about her past. She felt sorry, yet glad. They were equals now, just as best friends would be.
Somewhere in the middle, Kelsi fell asleep. In the morning she woke up to see Sharon sitting in a corner. Before her parents wakes up, Kelsi had better try and get her ready for school. Today was the math exam, and she'd better not be late or absent. "Sharon, we've got to go! You don't want to fail, do you?"
"It's not like I care.."
"No, I'm serious."
"I'm not going."
Ok, so talking her into it wouldn't work, so Kelsi tried lying to her. She pretended to call Mitchell's house, and talk to his mother. After she falsly hung up, she reported to Sharon excitingly. "Hey, Mitchell's mom said they're coming back today! They've cancelled the plan!"
Sharon apparantly knew that Kelsi was lying, but didn't want to hurt her best friend. She got up and took her school bags, and headed out the door, right onto the road. Kelsi dragged her back. "Hey, let me get ready! You'll get hit by a car this way!"
They went inside, and came out a while later, and walked to school. Kelsi was worried that they might be late, Sharon was worried Eric wouldn't be there...
March 3rd, 2005, 1:49 PM
I love it! Please write some more!(it's killing me) Please! [10 out of 10]
March 6th, 2005, 3:19 PM
OMGoodness, I can't believe that I skipped over this one! ;o; Well, from what I've read so far, this fic is pretty good. ^____6 The plot does have meaning to it, which is always nice. I think you could go a bit more in-depth with the characters, however. ^^
Don't pop out their personalities all at once, that will only make things confusing. @.@ But if you slowly (yet at a good pace) let the character's actions and spirit be known, then people will enjoy this fic even more. ^^
Your chapters are pretty good, but I think you could add more detail into them; they're just a tad short. ^^; Well, aside from that the fic loks nice. I hope you do continue this ficcy Ana. ^.~
March 6th, 2005, 3:40 PM
Ana, this fic is getting really good. The chapters are a tad bit short still, but we can all live with it. I like it. Great job!!
March 10th, 2005, 7:59 AM
Kelsi and Sharon were unfortunatly, in different classes most of the day. After just two hours, Kelsi was delighted when the principal pulled her out of her worst subject, PE. He clearly stated that Sharon was having trouble concentrating on her school work, yet her parents were away on a business trip, so there was no other choice but to get my parents to look after her, and help her fix her problem. Kelsi groaned. That was what her parents get an "F" on. Patience.
After getting scolded by parents and missing most of her classes, Kelsi had the afternoon to settle down, while Sharon was to stay at her house. In one way, that would be a good thing, but in the other way, it'd be bad.
Back at her house, Kelsi managed to do all of her homework without listening to Sharon cry and her parents continuously yelling at her. There goes, she thought. Another happy life ruined, and shattered to pieces by merciless yet better than nothing parents. But this was just the beginning. She felt she had to step in and help.
After her homework was done, Kelsi invited sharon to her room, and locked the door. "If you hear a knock three times, very slowly, it's me, got it? Don't let them in. Now I have to help cook dinner, you wait here."
"But, won't they yell at you too?"
"Don't worry, I'm used to it. I've heard their voices for 15 years already..."
As Kelsi cooked, she ignored anything her parents said to her. Her goal was to keep Sharon away from them, and also get her our of her depression. It was difficult work, but something nobody else had the heart to do.
When dinner was done, she went upstairs to her room to eat, bring with her a filled bowl for Sharon. "How do you feel so far? Head still hurt?"
"Ok, stop banging your head on my bed and I guarantee it'll stop hurting, okay? Here's some food, just in case you're hungry. Eating cold food causes stomach problems. Hurry up." Kelsi smiled at her, and handed over her bowl and fork, then started eating herself. "Say, isn't it good..?
March 12th, 2005, 2:21 PM
wow! i've never read a story like this! please, hurry and make the next chapter, i'm dying!!!
March 14th, 2005, 3:54 PM
Don't die right in front of a thread, get a decent burial first.
"No, I don't care. As long as it's in your house it's not good! Nothing in here except you is good!" Sharon walked up to me and shouted.
"Well you can't really say that, can you? I mean, there's some good things here, like you can get a sleepover each night, with your friend!" Kelsi tried to smile.
"And your point is?"
"My point is that you need to enjoy your life somehow. At least you're not dead, you know what I mean? Some people want to live forever, and you right now think life's a piece of crap, it's the attitude problem, ya get it?"
"Are you saying I have a bad attitude?"
"Are you disagreeing with my daughter, you *****?" Came a shout from outside the room.
"Please try and watch your language, dad. It's not polite to swear in front of a guest!" Kelsi shouted back, and ignored the rest. "Okay, here. Give those to me and I'll eat it if you're still not hungry."
"Do you have a knife by any chance?" Sharon asked as she handed over the bowl, still untouched and full of food.
"Yeah, just an art knife. I use it for carving stuff. You must be trying to finish that art project, right? I'll help you in a little while. I've got the same assignment. What's your carving going to be?"
"Anything you can think of I guess.."
After a few minutes of pointlessly trying to get Sharon a carving idea, Kelsi stood up. "Hey, I'll have to go put this back, and will be a few minutes. You mind if you wait? I've got to get my project out of my backpack also."
"Yes, go ahead."
Kelsi went out the door, but as she was washing the dishes, she had this eerie feeling. When she walks back inside, something's not going to be right...
March 15th, 2005, 3:46 PM
Well, chapter seven was a bit short, IMO. ^^; If you're using it only as a space-filler then I recommend you just try and add a bit more into it. ^______^
In fact, a lot of your chapters are a bit on the empty side, but that's nothing you can't fix! =D Really, the bigger doesn't always mean the better fic; but having more length shows you really know how to write a fan fic and it also has more detail and adds excitement to each chapter individually. ^^
I have to say that I'm really starting to get into this fic. ^_____^ The character of Kelsi is really starting to grow on me. ^^ She has such an adventurous personality and is kinda quirky at times too. n_n
So far so good, Ana. ^o^ I'd only recommend you try and add more detail into your writing. Remember, every little event in any great story can make the fic that much more enjoyable to read. ^.~
March 25th, 2005, 4:58 PM
As soon as the dishes wer ewashed, Kelsi ran upstairs to find the door locked, and when she tapped three time there was no answer, she knew her instincts were right. Taking a look around and seeing that her parents went shopping, she quietly went down the stairs, and outside the door. The best way to get in was from the window. There was a ladder her father used to repair problems the house has had before, and she knew how to use it.
When arriving at the spot, Kelsi found the window open. The truth was, that window had been sealed shut since the last time she fell out from there. Only a knife and strong muscles could have jerked it open. Was that why Sharon had asked her for one?
Never mind the room right now. Kelsi got the door unlocked and window slammed shut, then dashed off to find Sharon. The first place to go was Mitchell's house. That was where she'd most likely to go right now.
Meanwhile, Mitchell himself had some troubles. His mother was cutting the chicken they were about to eat later, and chopped the tip of her index finger off. they were at that exact moment, both at the hospital. Kelsi decided to wait there, but hours passed and nobody came.
It had to have been a stupid idea to sit there waiting. Sharon could have gotten anywhere by now. When she was about to leave and go home, something tapped Kelsi's shoulder, causing her to turn around.
"You." The woman who was Eric's mother pushed her hard on the ground. "What on earth did you and your **** boyfriend do to my son?!"
"He disappeared. that's all I know. I was just visiting him today, nothing more. Go suspect on someone else!" Kelsi standed up and defended herself.
"No. You come with me until my son gets back. You will be his replacement if he does not. I don't care whether or not you guys did steal him away, but it's you I want and it's you I'll get!"
"Who gives you the right to become his replacement, huh? That's kidnapping you're doing. You're a criminal! I thnk you'd better take a look t yourself, and how awfully ugly you are. Now I'd suggest you get out of my sight befor eI hurt you!"
"Parents? Don't worry. They're all gone and for good. They ain't comin' back now, and nothing can help you this time. Ya stupid little child, better learn to think out of the box now. If you want Sharon, I'll give you a little peek at her. Now, let's get on with it. It's you that's getting hurt, not me."
And the last thing Kelsi remembers, was being dragged across the street...