View Full Version : Depths of the ocean [ 14 and up]

March 6th, 2005, 1:19 AM
This is a story I wrote when I was bored and it has to do with the inner thoughts of a teenage boy by the name of Alex Larence, and how life really is played.This story is based on the columbine incident in wich a couple of kids who were sick of being teased decided to take revenge on all who had ever done them wrong.I want to dedicate this to all the victims and their families! I chose to write this in chapters because it's much to long to write in one chpt. This is rated 16 and up because of some explicit content that is probably not the most appropriate thing for little kids.

"Alex"! I heard my moms drunken voice scream."Get the hell up,you're gonna be late for school"! I dragged myself out of bed and slipped on some clothes. The tense feeling was still around even after my dad left.
Alex you dumb butt, you slept in for the fiftieth time this week! My mom had her budweiser in one hand and a doral cigarette in the other. She inhaled a puff of smoke, then paused for a moment, then she violently swung her balled up fist at me and knocked me right in the eye.
Crying I pushed my way past her and ran out the trailor door.
As I ran as fast as I could to the bus stop I could here my moms curses,and when I looked back she flicked me off and stormed back inside.

"Dang Alex! What the crap happened to your eye? " "It's nothing, I quietly responded." But I knew it "was" something, but how could I escape!?
As the bus came to a surprisingly quiet hault I knew everyone was looking at me. There bewildered looks on there faces, the constant murmuring under everyones breathes,I didn't think the bus driver would ever let us off the bus. When she finally did she stopped me before I got off the bus and asked me who did that to my eye. Again for the second time of the day I said it was nothing and stormed off towards the enterance of the school.

"Alex"? Huh!? What!? Alex get up and pay attention, my teacher Mr. Haro asked me politley. Whatever, was my response as I lied my head back down on the table. But after I sat there for a moment I noticed their was some kind of plastic material under my face. As I lifted up my head, to my surprise was a plastic bear that read mommas boy stuck to the desk. The dude in front of me let out a girly giggle as he took back his childish possesion.
When the bell rang to change classes I decided that I was fed up with my life and was going to get back at those who ticked me off! They we're gonna pay![to be cont.]

Lion Heart
March 6th, 2005, 1:28 AM
What the?

I'm not sure where this is going, but maybe the rating needs to be moved higher than 14+.

I see a potential story line, but are the blanked words necessary man?

March 6th, 2005, 1:35 AM
OK, this is somthing we wrote at my school and my teacher liked it but I asked her what the age limit was and 14 and up was her response. But the bleeped out words were to show his real life and what he has to put up with.

Lion Heart
March 6th, 2005, 2:03 AM
I understand why they are there, just wondering whether they need to be there or not.

If it gets any more in depth perhaps your teacher was wrong about 14.

I think bringing up a condom raises the age level higher than 14.

March 6th, 2005, 9:50 AM
Maybe you should change it to... something more appropriate, Ru... The story itself was alright. It was kinda hard to read, because a lot of typos were missing, or were in the worng place.

"Alex"? Huh!? What!? Alex get up and pay attention, my teacher Mr. Haro asked me politley. Whatever, was my response as I lied my head back down on the table.
That was one of the hard spots to read.


"Huh!? What!?"

"Alex get up and pay attention," my teacher Mr. Haro asked me politley.

"Whatever," was my response as I lied my head back down on the table.
It would be nicer if you could space out the sentences, or whatever. It would make the story better.

But, so far, its.... intresting....

March 15th, 2005, 3:26 PM
As Saphira said above, your fic is just a bit too choppy. ^^; You should try using better sentence structure. By that I mean using punctuation points where they shoudl be, using quotations, and knowing where and when to start a new paragraph. =3

Your chapter is kinda lacking the length it should have, especially in the first chapter. ^^; The first chapter shoudl have a good amount of detail to really kick off the fan fic. ^o^

The plot isn't bad, it just needs more organization and a bit more effort. If you'd like me to help you further, then just PM me and I'll see what I can do. ^_~