View Full Version : ~Legends Be True~

March 26th, 2005, 2:31 PM
[(Since this is 'Other Writing', it doesn't have to be Fan Fic, does it? If so, I'll delete this. But just incase, I wanted to see. I've been wanting to type this down for the longest time. ^^)]

~Legends Be True~

Chapter 1: Truth

The stars shine through our eyes,
The secret of the past lies.
Discover truth, be led,
Ignore the ones that have been fed,
The lies at which keep us sealed...
Together, we shall prevail.

"B, but Telris! That's no fair! I got the wood last time!" Renji whined, crossing his small arms, bright green eyes narrowing. Telris gave a soft sigh, then smiled, reaching out a slender hand to ruffle his baggy brown hair.
"Renji, I'll tell you what. Remember that gathering you wanted to go to? If you get your chores done in time...you are welcome to go with me." Renji's young face lit up.
"No kidding?"
"You have my word, Renji."
"Gee, thanks sis!" Renji hugged her around the waist, since he wasn't very tall, then darted out the front door.

Telris laughed lightly, flicking a strand of her short, brownish blonde hair away from her eyes.
"Boys...oi, Renji! Your shirt is on backward!" she shouted after him, but the young boy was already dashing up the path to the wood shed. Giving a shrug of her slender shoulders, Telris walked back inside, heading to her room. After shutting the door behind her, she slipped out of her nightgown into a pair of light, but yet tight-ish brown jeans, then slipped on an emerald green short sleeved shirt.

Telris felt a bit nervous, for this gathering was very speacial indeed. She was to perform a tricky dance this night, one at which she had worked hard on for weeks. Well, she thought happily as she slipped on a long emerald skirt over her pants, at least I'm ready!

Telris heard the swish of wings as she was pulling on her boots, and glanced out the window that lay over her bead. There she had a clear view of the hill that led up to the wood shed, and she saw Renji, wood piled up in his arms, looking up and over the trees in awe. Looking in that direction as well, Telris blinked. Coming upon the area swiftly was a dragon, a deep bronze. Instantly, Telris knew it wasn't a Kingdom dragon. For one thing, it was smaller, and for another, it had two sets of draconic wings. Something about that dragon made a fearful shiver race down her spine, and Telris quickly tied a trasparent-like material belt around her slim waist, the ends dangling down past her thighs, the bells attatched to the very ends giving a soft tingle.

Renji must have felt the same thing as well, for he dropped his stack of wood and ran down the hill, soon bursting in through the door.
"Telris! There's a dragon coming! I don't recognize it!" Renji gasped, meeting his big sister in the hallway. Telris remained calm, her sea blue eyes sparkling lightly.
"There's only one place in this country that breeds those kinds of dragons," Telris said, gently grabbing onto Renji's small hand with her own and leading him to the back door.
"Huh? Where?"
"The Unamed Land, near the Dead Mountains. What they could possibly achieve for coming here, I do not know." Telris said, quietly closing the door behind her.
"Renji, ready two horses, as quickly as possible. Have the barn door open and ready. I have a feeling we are going to need a quick escape. And Renji," she said, catching the boy's hand once again before he could dart off, "please stay out of sight." Renji nodded in understandment, then quietly took off for the barn, keeping to the side of the house. Taking a deep breath, Telris walked around the front of the house, looking casual. The dragon was just landing, making air swish about her skirt. The dragon backwinged, then landed gently upon the grass. Telris took another deep breath, eyes watching as a black cloaked figure slid himself off the dragon. The trouble was just about to begin.
Sorry, that was rather short. But it's not the end of the chapter.^^ I have to be leaving for a bit, but I'll come on and continue this chapter later.^^

March 26th, 2005, 6:24 PM
Don't worry anytype of writing is ok here ^^.

That first part was really good, its seen that this is proberly not the first time you writing and it shows. You came out with a way to introduce the characters with a simple task at the beginning, which is always a creative way to do things, but the descriptions seem to be too basic, of just explaining the eye colour etc., expressing how the characters walk talk, and even how they blink would make this even more enjoyable, but its good to know who put at least some of that in it when you said:

"Telris! There's a dragon coming! I don't recognize it!" Renji gasped, meeting his big sister in the hallway. Telris remained calm, her sea blue eyes sparkling lightly."

As you said it is a bit short, but you should look at it as first providing the quality, before you look at the quantity ^^, great job!

Raichu Master
March 26th, 2005, 7:30 PM
I agree whole-heartedly with Liquid. It's a very fine peice of work.

Some of your sentences are a bit hard to read. It doesn't quite flow with the rest of your writing. Here's an example:

"B, but Telris! That's no fair! I got the wood last time!" Renji whined, crossing his small arms, bright green eyes narrowing. Telris gave a soft sigh, then smiled, reaching out a slender hand to ruffle his baggy brown hair.

It would have sounded better if you wrote it:

"B, but Telris! That's no fair! I got the wood last time!" Renji whined, crossing his small arms, his bright green eyes narrowing as Telris gave a soft sigh. Telris smiled, reaching out a slender hand to ruffle his messy brown hair.

Well that's my opinion but there are lot of sentences like that. I mean it's not wrong or anything, it just might have sounded better.

March 27th, 2005, 10:23 AM
[(Thank you guys, ^^! And I'll keep those things in mind. Depending on if I get kicked off in the middle of this, here's more of chapter one. Thanks for reading! ^__^)]

Chapter 1. Continued

Telris's first opinion of this guy was rather, well, different. His footsteps were heavy, the clinking of armor heard shifting beneath the large cloak. His eyes were an interesting inky red, a deep blue lighting gently around his pupil, making his gaze even more striking. His dark brown hair was neatly slicked back, not even bothered by the rushing wind of riding upon a dragon's back. With the way he walked, you'd think he owned the land beneath his heavily booted feet. He came to a stop before Telris, standing straight and tall. He was so close that it popped her personal bubble.
But Telris refused to back away, even though she had to tilt her head up to look at him.

"May I help you, sir?" Telris asked in an innocent enough tone, touched lightly with command. After all, he hadn't sent her a warning about visiting.

"Are you Telris Chikara?" he asked in a surprising tenor voice, roughly demanding. Telris decided not to waste her time being polite to this guy.

"Yes, I am." to her further surprise, a grin passed over the man's firm lips. Then an odd thing happened. Something seemed to tap the back of her mind, warning her to step away quickly, or else. Surprised at this sudden impulse, she leapt back. And just in time. The man had reached a thick, gloved hand to his waist, pulling out a glinting, crudely made sword, and made to thrust it through her chest. But Telris had leapt away, and a glint of surprise passing over the man's startling eyes.

Needing no further encouragement, Telris darted away quickly. Sure, she might have had a chance at the guy, but not with a dragon backing him up. Now that was suicide. Telris darted around the back of the house, hearing the man shouting and the dark bronze dragon roaring behind her. Dirty blonde hair flying behind her, Telris was quick to approach the barn. She burst in through the side door, spotting Renji.

He was upon his chestnut colored stallion, holding the reins to a white mare with cream colored mane and flowing tail. Not needing at all to explain, she put her left foot in the stirrup, then hoisted herself up, swinging her right leg up and over to the other side.

"Renji, head straight into the south side of the woods. Once we approach Baeann, he won't dare follow us further without being caught by the guard dragons." Telris explained, steadying herself in the saddle. Renji nodded, eyes shinning with the excitement of this adventure. Getting his stallion into action, he charged out the front barn doors, Telris on her mare in hot pursuit. The second they shot out of the barn, an angry voice yelled defiance. Then there was another roar, and a shadow fell upon them. Telris glanced up, her slim body tensing at the sight of the dragon diving down at them.

Just then Renji and Telris burst into the cover of the trees, and the dragon had to make a sharp turn to avoid collision. Neither Telris or Renji spoke, focusing their attention to the path before them. Just as Telris had said, the dragon didnt follow them for long. Hearing its angry roar, Renji and Telris bade their mounts to slow down to a fast paced trot. It was Renji that broke the stunned silence.

Did he try to, well, kill you?
Telris looked over to see Renjis young face pale, worry spinning in those lullaby green eyes. He was so youngonly eight years old, while she was a mere sixteen. It must be a frightening thought, having an unknown dragon rider come all this way to attempt murder on the only person he was able to look up to.
I wont lie to you, Renji. Yes, he did. But something strange happeneda warning came to me. I was able to dodge away in time.

Renji looked ahead, his eyes watery. But he spoke clear, and in control of his emotions.
You almost met the same fate mother and father did. If you had been killed Renji couldnt finish, his voice cracking on the last word. Telris brought her mare up next to his steed, and lay a slender hand on his shoulder.
Renji, there is something you must understand. There are people out there who are willing to kill people, just for their own entertainment. Father and mother were victims of such a person. But you must not feel for the need for revenge. Julin did that, and he ended up just as mother and father. Renji in took his breath sharply at the mention of their older deceased brother, tensing considerably.
Im not sure why they choose our family, but I will never let them hurt you, Renji. And Ill confirm this also: no one is going to take me from you. Telris finished with a challenging grin, bringing a smile to Renjis face.

Alright, I believe you. But now what do we do? We cant go back to our home anymore. They know where we are. Renji asked, wiping a single tear from his cheek. Telris returned her hand to the reins, thoughtful.
I believe its time we move into Liberali. There we can stay with someone, until I get a suitable job and we can have a place as our own again. Dont worry, dear Renji, we will be fine.

Renji smiled again, then the two continued on through the forest in brighter spirits.
No, Im still not done with this chapter yet. x3! Instead of doing this chapter in one humongous post, Im doing it in sections. Part three of chapter one will be typed up and posted soon. ^_^

March 27th, 2005, 5:15 PM
Oooh! Very interesting story, I like how you started. =3 Nothing for me to pick on, 'cept the font. xD

Anyways, I'd love to see more. =3