View Full Version : chronicles of Xa (smurf11)

May 25th, 2005, 9:56 AM
OK! here is my story:
the chronicles of xa
fall of the empire

long, long, ago....
in the small remote island of momtoko, the island was under heavy attack from
the grundits, an evil force which uses pain and misery to gain power. The villagers are freightend
of the grundits because no one would stand up to them. Ever since the grundit leader, fraizer of
darkness, took over the sacred empire, evil took over the 12 green islands.
one of the familes, The yoko family, were targeted by the grundits for thier next victim. the yoko
family were: the father, the mother, the youngest child, Xa, and jarrod, the eldest child. Jarrod and
Xa were fed up of the grundit destroying the nearby houses and taking their boats. Xa thought they
should get away from the island and jarrod they should stand and fight.
One night, Xa left the house and took his fathers boat.

it came out a bit wrong, though! chapter 2 later!

Electric Hero
May 25th, 2005, 3:46 PM
I... don't want to be or sound rude. But you have mistakes, and a lot of work is needed. Remember that periods exist too! *friendly period apepars and say hi* I'm too weird... if you want, you can ignore that. And... I hope that's the prologue. Chapters have to be longer, and more descriptive. Again... with periods, the text would be easier to read.

May 26th, 2005, 1:00 PM
This isn't even a story. It's a summary of a story that doesn't exist.

June 9th, 2005, 6:46 AM
What the heck is this?! This isn't even a prolouge! There many mistakes, from spelling to capitalization! Write on Micrsoft word, or any word processor. Make it longer and correct it, and MAYBE you'll be good to go. Otherwise I'll have to report it. Sorry if that hurt you, but that's what critiquing is all about.