View Full Version : Chaos Storm

January 10th, 2006, 5:12 PM
i started writing thisa with characters made by my friends! enjoy!

Pokemon: Chaos Storm
Shane Mustang

On a warm Saturday morning, in the city of Viridian, the morning sunlight filtered through the clouds with the promise of a beautiful day as the commute began to unfold, people pouring out of houses and apartment like ants scurrying about an ant hill. Cars roared down the road as pedestrians leapt out of the way as the ran across the crosswalk.
Downtown, in the Pokemon Center, the business picked up as trainers emerged from their rooms, ready to start a long day of vigorous training for the Indigo Plateau, which was still a year away.

Out of the many trainers, a group of five trainers stood out. They may not seem so special, but there is more to this band of friends than meets the eye.
Shane, the oldest and age appointed leader (age appointed means since hes the oldest, he leads the group. Hes 17 by the way), sat in a booth, yawning, barley able to keep his deep blue eyes half way open as he scratched his head, ruffling his chocolate brown hair. He straightened out his green zip up shirt and wiped off his brown cargo jeans.

Man, I didnt get a wink of sleep last night. I wanna go back to bed! Shane complained, yawning some more.

Well, maybe if you didnt stay up playing your gameboy all night, you wouldnt be so freaking tired! Said a girl wearing a white hat on brown hair. She had green eyes, and a smile to brighten up any day or situation. She wore a blue tank top and a red skirt.

It wasnt all night Omi! Shane retaliated. Omi smirked and flicked her hair and sat down, as the rest of the group walked to the table as she took a bite from a Danish sitting on a plate.

One of them was a boy of about Shanes age with spiked black hair and brown eyes, wearing a white shirt and slightly wrinkled brown shorts. His name was Tako, a trainer from Cerulean city. He was a good guy, but he didnt care much for the law.
There were two more girls in the group, too. One was sixteen, with long brown hair that went to her waist and sapphire blue eyes, wearing a red jacket with a blue shirt underneath and dark blue jeans, her name was Ravin, a trainer from Vermillion City. The other girl was at least thirteen, who looked remarkable similar except she wore a blue t-shirt and black shorts, a Shadow the Hedgehog plush doll clutched in her hand, and had no blood relation to Ravin as far as anyone of them knew. Her name was Maria.

So, where are we headed next? Ravin asked, sitting down and brushing crumbs from her jacket.

Yeah Shane, where ARE you leading us this time? Maria asked, hugging her Shadow plush doll. Shane had a habit of being a bad navigator, and getting them all lost from time to time.
Shane took a bite from his food before answering, Back home to Pallet, to visit the professor. Its been a while since our last visit. Shane replied, stretching. He sighed, Ill be right back, I need to walk around for a few minutes..

Shane stood up, walking away out the door. He seemed to be doing that for the past few weeks, ever since IT happened. This whole thing messed with his usual happy-go-lucky attitude, much to the worry of his friends, especially Omi. She quickly stood up, following him out the door. She caught up to him, grabbing his arm.

Shane, are you. She began to say, but Shane cut her off.

Im fine. Just need some fresh air. He said, trying to sound convincing, but she wasnt fooled, she knew he was lying. Omi shook her head.

Your lying. I know you, and I know it still hurts. Ive been there. Your heart will heal, give it time. Omi hugged him tightly, Please, dont do anything dumb.

He sighed and hugged her back, reassuring her he was just going for a walk, forcing a smile as he walked away. She noticed how his smile, even his laugh was forced anymore. She sighed, walking back to the Pokemon Center. When she got there, everyone stood and walked to her, expecting big news.

How is he? Tako asked. Omi sighed, sitting down at the table, putting her head in her hand.

I dunno, She sighed, He still seems to be torn.

Well duh, Omi. He was CHEATED on. Its a real ego killer. Ravin said, crossing her arms, sitting next to her.

Im just worried, thats all. Omi said. Even before all of this happened, she harbored deep feelings for her friend. She was often the one he confided in. She stared into space, until Tako snapped her out of it.

Check out the T.V.! He said, pointing to the T.V. mounted on the wall.

On the T.V., an advertisement for a Pokemon Competition played, Today at three o clock! A competition to see who the best trainer in the city is! Registration is at the Viridian City Gym! Deadline is One p.m. today! Go now! Fabulous cash prizes!

Without a word, the four trainers burst from their seats and out the doors of the Pokemon Center, rushing to the Viridian City Gym, the deadline fast approaching, only fifteen minutes away. Ravin threw a pokeball into the air, the red and white sphere burst open, so a Swellow could land on the ground. The regal bird lifted into the air, with its trainer on its back, taking off ahead of the group. Omi released her Dodrio, jumping onto the back of the three headed bird as it ran on the sidewalk, rivaling Ravins Swellows speed while Tako and Maria borrowed a bike.

Minutes later, Tako screeched to a halt on the bike, him and Maria jumped off and rushed into the doors to find the others already there and registered. Shane spun his registration card on his finger.

Looks like you made it. Better sign up quick, u guys. Shane said, pointing to the registration table.

Looks like your feeling better. Tako said, walking over to the registration table with Maria.

Yeah, Im fine. Shane said, Omi looked up at him with a worried look. She knew better than that. She knew he wasnt fine, but she knew he didnt want to talk.

Lets see here, I got Charmeleon, Flygon, Raichu, Corphish, Makuhita and Kirlia.. Im gonna rule the competition! Shane said with confidence.

Im using Wartortle, Dodrio, Clampearl, Altaria, Shroomish and Magby! This is gonna be fun! Omi stated.

Three o clock drew closer as the five friends prepared tournament. Shane kicked back as Omi went over some last minute strategies, Tako polished the shell of his Squirtle, his Pidgeotto, while his Totodile napped. Ravin released her Swellow, Absol, Mudkip, Hoothoot, Corsola and Ninetales. Marias Charmander and Butterfree also burst from their pokeballs.

Just then, the intercom buzzed on, and a female voice said Will all contestants for the first round please enter the battlefield. I repeat, will all contestants for the first round please enter the battlefield.

Shane burst up, checking for his pokeballs on his belt before running to the door, rushing to the battlefield, followed by Omi and the others. They didnt know the trouble they were getting into.

PLease leave a comment.

January 10th, 2006, 10:50 PM
Very nice, Shane! Your narrating skills are amazing! There were a few grammar mistakes, but, still. Storyline-wise, I thought it was very interesting. A real cliff-hanger at the end of the chapter. As for the reason you are so upset in this fanfic, let's just say, that if I ever meet her, I'll kill her.

Be sure to update soon, buddy!

Black Lotus
January 11th, 2006, 6:22 AM
I won't rate your fic for the only chapter, but I have a suggestion or two. Your spelling is good, but there are few mistakes you could've noticed if you had used a spell checker. It is a lot easier to run it than proofread it through. Your grammar is also good, but avoid capitalising a whole word just to give more tone on it. I suggest you use the italics-tag if you want some words to stand out. Otherwise the words capitalized will get annoying and confusing. In example, "IT" is an abbreviation from "information technology". Also "T.V." is just "TV". No need for periods there. It is obvious that the next chapter will include a lot of battling, so I recommend you to take your time with them. I'll definetly wait for the next chapter :)

January 11th, 2006, 4:40 PM
well, heres chapter 2!

Chapter II

The lights in the gym glared on, blinding the many trainers that swarmed in, ready for a good battle> Omi shielded her eyes, despite the fact she had a hat on. In the center of the gym, a tall, brown haired man walked into the center of the ring. His face had many stress marks on it, signifying that he had a particularly stressful job.

Welcome trainers! He cried, It makes me so happy that all of you will participate in my contest. But it also makes me sad that the contest has been canceled, but as a consolation prize, I get your Pokemon!
Suddenly, parts of the walls slid open, swarms of men in black uniforms filled the room, surrounding the trainers, causing cries of confusion and panic.

Its a trap! Ravin cried as Shane signaled for the others to huddle in, to protect themselves. One of the goons grabbed Omi from behind, making a mistake to grab her breast, for he found himself doubled over on the ground, clutching his stomach in pain.

HANDS OFF THE GOODS PERVERT! She snapped, holding up her fist while kicking him hard in the stomach. Suddenly, out of no where, another goon charged forward, and in a split second he slammed his fist hard into Omis stomach, causing her to cry out and double over onto the ground.

That was for my friend! The grunt cried, before being struck in the face. He turned to see Shane next to him, gripping his collar tightly.

How dare you put your hands on her? Ill pulverize you! Shane roared as he turned from milder mannered, to something you would expect from Vegeta on Dragonball Z. (Thats what happens when you watch HOURS of it on end!) He launched a kick to the gut, causing him to double over, a punch to the face which shattered the goons nose, blood dripping profusely onto the ground and a body slam, taking all the fight out of him. Shane kicked him in the face and ran over to Omi, who was still gasping for air.

Omi! he cried, kneeling next to her and picking her up, Are you okay? She coughed and looked at him.

Your on my hair. She managed to gasp out. Shane sweat dropped and moved off of it, hugging her as she continued to gasp for air, glaring at the goons that remained.

Enough games! Take their Pokemon! Giovanni cried out as the swarm descended on the groups of trainers. Shane handed Omi to Ravin, who shifted her weight and helped her stand up.
Shane threw a pokeball into the air, and what bursted out was a reddish-brown Pokemon that stood a good three feet tall with a long black tail that ended in a thunderbolt like shape and had two orange stripes on its back and on its cheeks were yellow electrical sacks. Its name was Raichu, and electric mouse Pokemon.

Raichu, use thunder! Shane cried and upon hearing orders the mouse Pokemon tensed its small body, gathering electrical energy as the horde of villainous grunts charged at them. Raichu cried into the heavens, sending powerful electric shocks from its body slamming into the grunts, sending them crashing into the ground, charred and beaten.
Hey Shane heard Omis weak voice behind him, Dont think you get all of the fun!, she said, throwing as pokeball of her own, releasing a turtle like Pokemon with blue skin, fluffy ears and a fluffy tail. Its name was Wartortle, the evolved form of Squirtle.

Wartortle, Hydro Pump! She cried. Wartortle unleashed a powerful torrent of water from its small body, knocking the grunts into each other and into the walls. Elsewhere around the gym, other trainers took their example and started to fight back against Team Rocket, pummeling them with various Pokemon attacks.
Suddenly the doors bursted open, and swarms of men and women in blue uniforms surrounded the place. It was the Viridian Police, and everyone was glad they were there. The goons were arrested and hauled off to jail rather quickly (being pummeled mercilessly will always take the fight out of you), but Giovanni was no where to be fond, he escaped before the police showed up.
Later, Officer Jenny escorted the group to the hospital, Omi still had trouble breathing, and she was coughing and sputtering alot. She said she was alright, but when she coughed up blood, Shane made her go get checked out. Now the group sat in the waiting room. It was so silent you could hear the clock ticking on the wall until Ravin broke the silence.

I hope shes okay. Ravin said.

Yeah, me too. I hope shes okay. Tako said, stretching his arms. Shane didnt say anything, he just sat there, arms crossed and looking at the floor. I looked like he was gonna cry, but he would deny it.

Shane, are you okay? Maria asked.

Im fine. Worry about Omi, not me. Shane said. The phrase Im fine was so overused it lost all meaning when he said it.

Shell be okay. Ravin said, patting his shoulder comfortingly.

Yeah, Tako said as a mischievous smile appeared on his face, we all know you LOVE her! Tako said, making kissy faces. Shane sweatdropped, his face turning three shades of crimson

II do not! Well, not in THAT way! Shane stammered, his face turning even redder.

Lair! Tako retaliated.

Dont make me hurt you! Shane snapped, holding up his fist, his face as red as a Magby. The nurse at the desk shushed them. Suddenly the door to the examination room opened and everyone burst up from their seats, rushing to the doctor.
The doctor rubbed his temples as if clearing his mind. His face was wrinkled and old, the signs of a long hard life.

Im sorry, but I have VERY bad news. He said.

January 11th, 2006, 4:53 PM
Hmmm... I rather liked this chapter. But maybe it was a little rushed. There were a few grammar mistakes, and the storyline did start a little quickly. Still, though, I really like this Fic, and I hope you update soon! (But take your time, as Black Lotus said. Does that make sense? Update soon, take your time? XD)

January 11th, 2006, 4:54 PM
On a warm Saturday morning, in the city of Viridian, the morning sunlight filtered through the clouds with the promise of a beautiful day as the commute began to unfold, people pouring out of houses and apartment like ants scurrying about an ant hill.

...your first sentence is a run-on. And officially, I can't go further, because I'm scared of what other mistakes there may be.

Your introduction sentence could make or break your story, so remember to pay attention to what you write down for it. Proof it well and see that it's interesting.

January 11th, 2006, 4:58 PM
Uhhh thanks, but you really should have read further.

January 11th, 2006, 5:06 PM
Uhhh thanks, but you really should have read further.
I can actually read however far I need to, because there's just things that I deem into the "Needs Revisions" category.

And I saw far too much dialogue at the end. I know what I'm talking about, believe it or not. I'm not just a cocky fan fic writer. Just picky for a reason~ to help others improve.

January 11th, 2006, 5:07 PM
well, could u point out stuff?