View Full Version : <<This Story Needs A Title>>

Lady Akita
January 30th, 2006, 8:44 PM
It does contain some gore, and possibly sexuality, in the future chapters, so those who like peaceful stories, back away. XP
Nothing really advanced. But welcome to lok through the story I'm currently working on. And, please, post a comment?

Chapter One. ~~

Samantha was a believer in righteousness. Not once, ever, would she find herself deliberately hurting another person, without the urge to apologize afterward. However, she had her exceptions. She had a lie that her Self had made up for the Soul. She never thought it would be used. Ever.
But this time, it was too much. She had enough. There was nothing to keep her from releasing years of frustration and anger that her soul had kept hidden within, onto the one person.
At school, Samantha seldom spoke out in class, and always waited to be picked instead of raising her hand. She was used to shyness. Yet, she knew all this time, that she was not acting like herself. She was faking it all, under one little, muggy cover that never left the surface of her skin. Little did anyone know about who this young girl really was. Or, they think they did.
Only her friend, Marilyn Jennings, knew anything about her inner personality. It was a secret between the two of them, as well as a promise. Samantha could not afford to lose Marilyns trust. It would mean the end of her nice-girl job.
On the day before the tragic event happened, Marilyn has sensed something in her friend that was almost unexplainable. She did not take it seriously, however, since it was common amongst teenagers that they have sudden mood swings or uncontrollable tempers. Especially when they have not had one since God knows how long.
But the next day, when Samantha didnt show up at school, her friend started to worry openly. She had an anxious look on her face, and could not concentrate in class. She asked a few other friends about where they though Samantha might be. Their replies were common and useless: Shes probably sick.
She got her answer, however, when the police pulled her out of gym class to talk. Being a major PE hater, Marilyn was relieved and happy at first. But she quickly regretted that.
Yes, officer? She asked, innocently, as the group walked out of the gymnasium.
One of the policemen, who were dressed in casual clothing but wearing a police hat, turned to her and motioned for the others to stop.
We do. Are you Miss Marilyn Jennings? he inquired.
Marilyn nodded.
Very well. Id like you to see something. Upon finishing the sentence, he pulled out a photograph. It was of a woman. She turned away, but forced herself to stare into the image. It made her sick. The womans clothing was stripped completely, and her whole body caked with dried blood. Her face was seriously disfigured, one eyeball completely gone. The mouth still stood wide open, as if trying to squeeze out one last cry for help.
Do you recognize her? The voice asked again, pulling Marilyns eyes away. She shook her head.
Think again.
Staring into the image, she tried hard to remember. Then, one brief memory came to her. Her first instinct was to shake her head again and run, but she controlled herself not to. She had to lie. The police would never find out the truth from her lips. It was her promise to Samantha.
Yes. I know. She said, in a small voice. I know who the woman is.
Who is it, Miss Marilyn?
A lady I bumped into in the street the other day. She was running, fast. Running for her life, it almost seemed like. I asked her if she was all right, but she just briefly shook her head and continued running.
Was anyone following or chasing her?
No one that I could see. It all seemed normal to me, although it really hit me, the look on her face. Its like she saw a ghost, or someone was out to kill her.
The man sighed, and put a hand on Marilyns shoulder.
Police pick out their witnesses for a reason, and Im sure youve seen enough movies to know already. We didnt pick you to come out here because we knew you would be glad to skip Phys Ed. Think carefully, who the woman really is. Dont make us
Excuse me. His voice was broken off by Marilyn, suddenly, and she dove past the men and headed straight for the girls washroom. Behind, the head officer made a hand gesture, and the other three men followed.
Inside the room that divided the two parties, Marilyn took a deep breath. Her pretend wave of sickness would hide her for a while, but she had to think of a better lie. And fast.

She came out, after five minutes, pretending to still be recovering from whatever it was that bugged her. She apologized, and gazed up at the officer that was speaking to her a while ago.
No. I dont know who she is, and Im serious. My parents are rather strict, and sadly, I dont get to see much people. When guests are over, Id be up in my room. So, Im afraid I really cant answer your question.
Okay. Was his solemn reply. Since we cant make you talk, and we wont, well simply talk for you. This woman has been identified as Mrs. Megan Anakin, whom, after talking with the principal of your school, happens to be Samantha Anakins mother. Now, Samantha is your best friend, no?
Yes she is, officer. But I have never met anyone else in her family.
Are you sure? We have been to Samanthas father, and he claims to have met you before, during a parent-teacher conference at the school. We dont want to know you have been lying to us, Marilyn. Telling the truth will help us a great deal, as well as you yourself.
My memory is bad. I have been quite ill this winter, and Im not completely recovered yet. Sorry. Im sad to hear of Sammys mom. When I saw her on the streets, I should have asked if I knew her. Gee, you know, once she comes back, Ill have to talk to her about it. It must have been pretty sad for her to get the news that her mom had been murdered.
But, Miss Marilyn, theres the problem. When we investigated Samantha Anakins house, she was not there. Her father was told that she signed up for a camping trip with the school, but we checked, and there was no such thing. Furthermore, her fingerprints were found on the victims body, and her footprints, only, covered the crime scene. Have you not thought it strange that Samantha did not come to school today?
The bell sounded, and students poured into the hallways, heading towards their own lockers. Marilyn smiled, and backed away. Yes. Now, it is dismissal time. Im glad I could help the police in whatever investigation you are carrying out, and I wont be bothered to be of any assistance the next time you need me.
She disappeared among the crowded rows of people and backpacks, and the four men left the school quietly. This was a no-good interview, the chief thought as he walked back to his car. This Marilyn must have been lying. He could tell now, having had enough experience with liars to know when he saw one.

So, did you like it? Somebody make a reply and maybe I'll consider posting the next part to this chapter. It is just typical sixth grade writing, after all. Even the computer says so.

February 7th, 2006, 5:52 PM
wow. this is really good. i think you are quite talented!

February 7th, 2006, 6:03 PM
The story itself is intriguing, though there are several flaws. Firstly, the language used is not interesting, very dull for the most part. You could try varying sentence length and structure, or adding a few more colorful descriptors to really make the reader see the scene better. The other problem is dialogue, a frightened teenager isn't going to talk in a manner remotely resembling rthat of a police officer. Write your dialogue for the character type, at least in terms of dialect and speech habits.