View Full Version : deeper and faster

February 4th, 2006, 4:51 PM
Here is another one of my poems. For the person I like. ^_^

I'm falling deeper and deeper,
and going faster and faster,
into the hole of your unknown trap
I feel like in the end i'll snap.

My love for you is growing,
with every little thing you do,
my heart can't take no more,
it's growing oh so sore.

I want to stop but can't,
you don't know that,
everything you do I happen to see,
then it makes me fall deeper and faster.

When I reach the bottom,
what will happen?
I'm scared to know but for now,
you make me fall deeper and deeper,
and always faster and faster.

Midori Chi
February 5th, 2006, 9:23 AM

This one's really good! ^^ I like the expression in this.

*4.9 out of 5*

February 6th, 2006, 6:05 PM
YAY! THanks Midori Chi. ^_^ haha.

Chase Leader
February 8th, 2006, 3:56 PM
Yeah I liked it cause I can relate to it...but it does get better at the bottom.

February 8th, 2006, 4:06 PM
Hmm~ good use a fair amout of tuning. I didn't like the rhyming just oddly showing up. Your poem rhymes with consistency, or in a pattern -- or just not at all.

Then there was a capatilization issue with some of the "I"'s. Make sure you're careful about it.

Avoid "oh so" ... it's really cliche.

Your poem also had some issues with the flow of it being broken or interrupted. Try to meter it a little better.

But decent overall ^^"