View Full Version : When She Comes Raining Down

oni flygon
March 8th, 2006, 9:01 PM
This is just a little something I wrote a couple of nights ago and finished it last night. Though not the final draft, I'm still impressed with this one. Though I want to improve a bit more so I just mimicked a certain poet/musician's style... *coughBobDylancough* >>

When She Comes Raining Down

When the rain is tapping on my window pane
Nostalgia echoes in my fragile mind
Recalling you and I watching that moon wane
And realize how our fates are entwined

Oh, my love, for me will you remain so true?
Fascinate and enchant me with your blues.
For your warmth is the only thing my heart lacks.
The embrace that I can’t seem to give back.

For a poet once said that love is blindness
So blind me with your deepest darkest blues.
As we go deeper, the more we see darkness
And as the light fades, I obtain your bruise.

Oh, my friend, this bloody wound runs deep within,
Enmity between us pierces the skin.
Captivate me with your bright and lovely eyes
And let us forget our own troubling lives.

Fly away! Fly to the sky, my beloved!
Let the singing from my heart make you soar!
Please keep smiling as you keep ascending…
And don’t forget to visit me when it is raining…

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
March 10th, 2006, 7:27 PM
I really liked this one, the rhythm (a.k.a. the only thing that you tend to do wrong sometimes, in other poems.) is okay. I've got to say that I loved the first stanza, and that I'd give you a 9 out of 10.

Would love to read the final version.