View Full Version : Within You

March 28th, 2006, 6:12 PM
Again, another song. This time something designed for the kind of duet the Coles would do....

It's been this way for quite some time
I've seen much of what I could before the day broke
Beyond a shadow of a doubt I'd fall again
To the sound of the lonely gust of wind
We started like this long ago
I looked into your eyes once and the world drained away
Far from the cry of my saddened soul
I was finally able to see again

Within you, I've found the strength
Now I've found the reason to carry on
I've come this far and I don't want to let go
I've now all the faith I need within you

I was off to church, you were off to run
Two star-crossed lovers in the wind goaded by love
I tried to turn away from your very gaze to no avail
You were the one I'd long dreamt of
The figment of rage and love was true
Who could say that I was to live out in the cold
I'd now found the one to turn to
To hold and cherish as time grows old


However far, however near
Your love points to me the way
Why do I say I won't go on?
You're here to help, you're here to save, you're here to revive


March 30th, 2006, 2:48 PM
That was a good poem, Crystal. I very much enjoyed it. It's nice to see a good love poem in the midst of the usual sadness and darkness we see in the poetry thread (which, yes, I add to...)

But hey, I'm supposed to review, and review I shall.

The first verse is a little weak, in my opinion. It's nothing major, it just doesn't mesh with the second, and I liked the second better. The emotion's there, and that's the important part. Just rephrase things a little so they match up with the meter and rhythem better.

And that's my two-cents! You'll recieve them... uum... *runs*

Midori Chi
April 9th, 2006, 4:38 PM

This is very good. ^^ I really enjoyed it.

I think I agree with Nagoyaka Aikouka about the first verse, though.
Everything else is wonderful. I can feel the emotion.

Keep up da good work. XD

April 11th, 2006, 1:56 AM
Fair, then, another poem.


Listen, madam, I'm sorry to say
that your lovely son has been killed
out on the street tonight out with a
few acquaintances. There's been quite
a history in this town with him,
however, and I think some on the
street are glad to be rid of him whilst
the others pine for him sorely.

Typical city boy, country girl
Reigned at the prom, gave a whirl
Married by the rabbi at the alter
Swearing in their love never falter
They had a kid the next year on
At six he played piano
At ten he was selected to go on
To find another place to know

Go on, Jonny, what do you know
Go on, Jonny, what do you see
This world has two faces after all
Go on, Jonny, tell the world
Go on, let it unfurl
The Christian world is at your call

Thirteenth year wore on, he got some friends
Sewed and tied up his bitter ends
Fifteen knew the streets by heart
Sixteen in the war played part
Who said before that he would be in this state?
Could someone not tell before it wore too late?

(Repeat chorus, fade)