View Full Version : Please give me your thoughts on this...

May 17th, 2006, 4:13 PM
Been working on a book titled: Space Dog...

Okay before you say anyting, I know what you're thinking (Space Dog?)
Yes, Space Dog. I have been working on this story for a few days and finished chapter one. I know that once you read it there will be many questions, the characters may be talking about things that the reader doesn't know about, but like most stories, it is only the first chapter and more will be revealed later on. Also the whole "Space Dog" name, yes that is the main character. He being a dog is an important part in the story, later revealed, but all I want is for some reviews on this first chapter. (Yes it is long). When the actual book is published this chapter will be 15.5 pages long. Also if you catch any grammar errors please let me know =D

btw, I know it's not seperated into paragraphs, I just copy pasted it from Word.. =P


Chapter One
An Unpleasant Visit

Mr. White strolled up and down in his office, his least favorite place to be. His office meant work, and he would much rather be down below enjoying a nice cup of tea. It would all pay out in the end of course. By the end of this year everyone will wish that they could be Mr. White’s friend, assistant, or anything for that matter. After all, it was his decision to produce a celebration so big that no one would ever forget it!
Scientists predict that over four-million years ago the planet Earth had been born. It was true that Earth is one of the smallest planets but it was, in the beginning, the only place that anyone could actually call home. Of course in the past hundreds of years Earth did become home to other people, or things it depended on how you looked at it. If you were a human you would be considered an alien to other species. Of course, if you were one of those other species then in the eyes of the humans you would be an alien.
Mr. White couldn’t quite recall when it had all started. They say not long after the millennium, around the year 2096 was it? Yes, it was 2096 the year humans finally expanded out into the universe. When settling on neighboring planets humans learned that they were not the only ones who had made home in this galaxy. There were others. After successfully planting a space station on Mars the government wanted to establish homes, or cities there. It would be like the space station, a building that you can never leave but the rooms would be big enough to live in, like houses. Halls would be wide, and they would be streets, and so on. It happened. Immediately plans were submitted for the expansion. It took twelve years to build. They had to bring large tanks of oxygen that would last for decades so they could fill the empty station with one of the most important things to a human. Water and even artificial gravity was brought up to Mars. The only thing was: you would have to be brave enough to live there. At any moment there could be a disaster. A cracked window leading outside could allow the oxygen to escape and linger out into the universe. Water, or the essential things that all humans need to survive could be gone within a few seconds. Not only that but studies had been shown that it may be hard for some people to adapt to the environment of Mars. But still, many left Earth and started a new life on Mars.
The news spread quickly about the new civilization on Mars. More and more “cities” like the one on Mars (which was now much larger and known as Kadok) sprouted, not only on Mars, but other planets too. All of the planets became homes to humans, with the exception of Neptune and Pluto, but there were even space stations that orbited those two planets.
It then happened. Reports flew back to Earth of interaction with other species, aliens. These aliens had been on the neighbor planets of Earth long before humans had expanded. Each alien civilization had apparently been oblivious to the fact there was other life out there. Every new colony found was also as civilized as humans. They had shops, families, their own languages. Communicating with these new “discoveries” was the first thing to be attempted and it was a success. Humans, or as they were later referred to as earthlings, quickly picked up on the other aliens native languages as the aliens picked up on the variety of languages that was used on Earth.
Aliens learned about Earth and were mostly amazed with the colonies that earthlings had established than other planets. However, there was a reverse effect on earth residents. They would much rather live where the aliens lived. Soon it was not just humans that had made their home on Earth, it was other as well and humans started to spread out even more.
Many years followed after that. There were now a total of eighty-seven civilized species living in the galaxy, but then perhaps one of the darkest moments known occurred. Aliens learned from the humans, and humans learned from the aliens. This caused a variety of new things to appear. Faster cars were now being invented; in fact they didn’t even use wheels anymore. Public transportation to other planets was being released by NASA. It eventually even got to the point where you could own your own personal space ship, or better known as a Spacepod.
Scientists started realizing the fact that with this new technology they may even be able to create life, new species. Secret organizations were formed (both humans and other aliens). These organizations mainly consisted of scientists. The purpose of these groups was to create new life. Many tested their products on people. These were not volunteers. Many of these innocent people were kidnapped and experimented on. Most experiments went wrong, there were many deaths. It tended to get worse. The government of Earth supported many of these experiments. This caused the first and only war between different species.
Mars did not like the fact that Earth was allowing experiments on other Martians. Jupiter did not see it fit to have their emigrants leave for a better life and then being killed in tests that have gone wrong. There was soon a war. Mars killed all Earthlings that lived in Kadok and soon took over many of the Earth made cities that had been created. The same happened on many other planets.
In the end Earth finally opened their eyes. It was wrong. The experiments stopped and there was peace. However, it was pointed out that in a handful of years that at any moment Earth or any other planets may proceed with these disasters again. It could not be allowed. There needed to be a system, a government for the galaxy. It would not be made up of all types of residents from all established planets.
C.J.S. It was the initials of the new system: The Center of Justice System. It did become the center of justice. It made sure everything went well. The company’s first leader, better referred to as the president, was Mr. Becker. He was a former citizen of Earth but during the “Galactic Expansion” (the sir name for the expansion of the humans) he had gone to Jupiter. His first proposal was to decide what to do with the surviving victims of the experiments. Many victims couldn’t be considered what they used to be. A person who was once a human couldn’t be human anymore. It was decided that they would be officially known as mutants. Mutants always turned out differently than others and there was no need to make an “official” species for one person.
Many mutants seemed to have obtained “powers.” The most common power: psychic abilities. Because many of the experiments were centered on the brain, rather than physical changes, many mutants obtained the power to control things with their minds or even read minds. The results did vary. It was also of course natural for mutants to reproduce with the species that they once were. Because of this, the babies born to mutants and a regular person often obtained the power that the mutant possessed.
This gave C.J.S. another problem; are the children mutants or are they their rightful species? It was concluded that if a baby born to a mutant and a non mutant was born then they were not a mutant. However, if a child was born to two mutant parents then they were mutant.
Yes, Earth had gone through much in the past. All that had happened over two-hundred years ago. As Mr. White walked back and forth through his lengthy office it was the year: 2383. Everything had started on Earth. If the earthlings hadn’t expanded then none of this might have ever happened, and Earth was indeed in need of some “thanks.” And as president of C.J.S. it was Mr. White’s job to make sure that the celebration for Earth would go perfect. He had been planning this for three years now, and it was all he would think of, well… maybe not all. There was that problem three years ago, the deaths of those children. The press had a hay day with that one. That didn’t matter now though, did it? Mr. White was on to new and better things, like the celebration for example.
It was around that time that Mr. White’s assistant, Miss. Stewart, suggested a global gathering to celebrate the creation of Earth. Mr. White, liking the idea, took credit for it but she never objected to it. Now, for the past three years it’s all anyone could talk about. When advertisements went up there was an immediate rush to buy tickets. The celebration was to be hosted in New York City, it would be packed. Different entertainment would be provided, such as popular musical groups, shows, contests, everything you could think of. Opening ceremonies were scheduled to be held on New Years Eve of the year 2384. Now he just needed to go over some last arrangements with the decorations committee about some last minute changes to the large balloon of his head that would be soaring over New York opening night. Unfortunately, they were due to arrive over a half hour ago and still hadn't arrived.
Those committees have some nerve.
He pushed his anger with the committee aside, he had other things on his mind, she was coming.
Her message had come in not but an hour ago. She would be arriving any minute now, probably to "warn" him about disaster and peril if he continued on with his plans for the celebration. Like any of that was true, it was all just a bunch of rubbish wasn't it? Besides, anyone could predict that at least one person would try to pull something. Not to mention the fact that the best security known to man would be provided, it's not like they were living in the year 2006 when they used things that were called metal detectors and dogs that could sniff out bombs. No, they were using modern technology, the newest of the newest. Mr. White took another look at his pocket watch. Three in the morning according to Earth Sector America Western Time.
The frustration of the committee’s absence lingered back into his mind. Ridiculous, can't anyone do anything right?
"Mr. White?" The voice of a robotic woman chimed the room through the speaker that lay on his desk.
"You have a visitor waiting for your permission to enter into your office."
Mr. White was tempted to say no to the "visitor" but he knew it would be of no use, he had made that mistake before.
Mr. White held down the glowing blue button that sat next to the speaker as he reluctantly murmured, "Let her in."
The clicks and different sounds coming from inside the steel door that lead into his office rang across the room. At last, the door slid open revealing a tall woman. She resembled a cactus, in a way. Her skin was a dark pale green with two vertical lines going across her face as though some one had sewn two long threads through her face. Two long arms fit perfectly into two holes on the side of her black dress. Her arms were like the tentacles of an octopus with two small yet thick needle like objects that poked out on each side of her arms where her elbows should be. Her hair was an odd color. It was a dark brown with a hint of green in it. And two rounded horns poked out of the top of her head. Perhaps one of her most interesting features was her eyes. They were as if they were squinted, they were always squinted, you couldn't really see her eyes. She was much more interesting than Mr. White's shiny head with a bit of hair on the sides, not to mention the fact that he was somewhat short.
The lady walked in quickly with a smile on her face. She was the one he hated, the one who would give continuous warnings about danger if he were to proceed with the celebration. Her name was Combesin. She was one person that Mr. White would like to forget. Although, he had to admit, she wasn't a total loss, she was the one who provided him with his best employee.
Combesin chuckled. "Why Mr. White, what a pleasure it is to see you again."
Mr. White only grumbled with a nasty look on his face.
"Please do have seat." Combesin suggested. She pointed to the large chair behind Mr. White's desk.
Some nerve she has, offering me a seat in my own office, Mr. White thought. Combesin seemed to have read Mr. White's mind. Her smile was quickly wiped into a fresh frown. "I insist." she said, this time with a commanding voice.
Mr. White knew better than to deal with her. He could easily point out numerous amounts of times that she had gotten her way and he sat in the back allowing her to do what ever she pleased. Nevertheless, Mr. White still sat down in his large comfortable chair.
Combesin strolled over to the large window that sat behind the desk. She peered down into what was below. Earth. Earth, in all its glory was glowing so bright below. The view of Earth from the C.J.S. Earth Station was a magnificent sight.
"Beautiful isn't it?" Combesin asked, the smile back on her face.
"I suppose."
"I can see now why you have been inspired to celebrate a planet; this will be a historical event indeed."
"What's it matter to you?" Mr. White asked in a harsh tone. "I was under the impression that you had no good feeling for this gathering."
Combesin's smile once again quickly faded. Her left eyebrow was slowly lifting.
"I see that you must be busy" Combesin said, changing the subject. She peered down and started to read one of the papers that lay on the desk.
Mr. White frowned and quickly covered the paper with a folder entitled: Decoration Committee. "My business is none of your affair."
Combesin took a quick glance at the folder. Both eyebrows raised in interest at the site of the title of it. "And how is your star employee doing? Fine I am guessing?"
Mr. White did not answer he just continued to frown. It was true of course; Space Dog was the best employee, Combesin kept her word with that. Space Dog was perfect, his career suited him perfectly.
Space Dog was a superhero, if you put it that way. His amazing knowledge of mechanics and the world was his success, the key to his life. Sure, he was a mutt (an odd looking one at that) but he had the ability to create mechanics that helped him be a superhero. The only thing that Mr. White regretted about Space Dog was admitting the fact that Combesin owned all of the credit for the employee.
"It is okay to admit that you were wrong you know." Combesin said.
Mr. White's face turned to a bright red. It was true, Mr. White had predicted that Space Dog would be a good for nothing mutt, he was wrong. While on the subject of Combesin's students, Mr. White seemed it fit to ask about the next superhero.
"So, will there be anymore soon?" Mr. White reluctantly asked.
"Oh, you know making it through is not easy,” Combesin chuckled, “some have the will and strength to find their way through the hard obstacles that lie in their way…” Combesin shot a glance at Mr. White and continued, “They are delicate. They can easily be shattered into pieces. There is evil in this world. More than you can imagine. There is always someone out there…” Combesin was now at a whisper. She took a look out of the circular window that allowed you to look down upon Earth. She scanned the outer premises and took a gulp. “She is out there…” Combesin said in a hoarse whisper.
Mr. White sat up, he knew where she was trying to lead the conversation, and he was going to avoid it. “You didn’t answer my question.” Mr. White stated bitterly.
Combesin whirled around and stared at him for a few seconds and then took a breath. “I have my eye on one student.” Combesin said. “She truly is marvelous. Only twelve years old, human.”
Mr. White’s eyes widened. “So, there will be a new member to the family soon?”
“Yes, well most likely.” Combesin said. “Yes… I’m sure, she is ready. Joined just after Space Dog did, it certainly took her a while to find her place though.”
“Find her place?”
“Well yes… you see, she was much like Space Dog in a way. She is very smart yet did not have any powers when she walked through those doors and signed her name into our database.
Oh she certainly was teased quite a bit by others, not having any powers, but she managed just like Space Dog. Her amazing abilities led her to creating a marvelous power. Something she refers to as: Star Power. It’s a potion, giving you strengths that reach out far beyond your wildest dreams.
She is now top of student of the school and if anyone is teasing others around the school it’s her teasing the others.” Combesin chuckled.
“When will the new employee be delivered?” Mr. White asked.
Combesin frowned. “Mr. White, things take time.”
“Time? T-Time?” Mr. White dumbly repeated, “What about before? Space Dog and those others were only in the school for one year! And how long has this girl been in the school? You said she came when Space Dog left, two years! Not to mention, you promised me four heroes that year, I got one.”
“Tsk Tsk, Mr. White don’t be so greedy. I promised four heroes and there were many more heroes in that lot than just four.”
“Then why did I get one?”
“Mr. White!” Combesin yelled. “You and I both know the events that took place in that year. Things were rushed, odd things were happening, promises were being fulfilled no matter how outrageous they were, there was a huge death toll that year, we needed heroes and we got them. I sent my students out to war, while they were in training, on your request! They died for you; they died for everyone out there! And you have the nerve to say that they were not heroes?”
“Well, why did I get one in that batch? What of the ones who survived?”
“They barely survived; I won’t put their lives in danger again.”
“And what of the four? You promised.”
“You know what happened! Three died, perhaps only two, but three out of four of them no longer were here to pass, only one made it. Space Dog took it hard! He was the only one left out of the four, and now you have him under your control.
Your greed blinds you everyday Mr. White. You put people in danger without realizing it, and I can’t ever think of a time that I’ve seen you stand for up this world.”
“Oh please.” Mr. White rolled his eyes. His ears were burning now.
Why can’t she just go!
For several moments neither of them said anything. The clock ticked, Combesin’s eyes darkened, and Mr. White’s hand became two fists wanting to do something! But what could he do?
Mr. White sat a tad bit straighter. The words “…I can’t even think of a time that I’ve seen you stand up for this world…” lingered back into his head. His face was now hot too, the room was hot, it was a furnace. “What do you mean I can’t stick up for this world?” Mr. White asked.
“I mean exactly what I said, why don’t you ever do anything instead of sitting in that oversized chair of yours?”
“I am not out there fighting because I need to be here, watching over. This galaxy needs a good leader.”
Combesin’s lips pursed. “Yes,” she said calmly, “You are exactly right, we do need a good leader.”
Mr. White stood up from his chair. His eyes were fireballs. “I’ll have you know that this galaxy does have a wonderful and marvelous leader! And do you want to know who that is? ME! It is ME! AND I’M TIRED OF YOU BOSSING ME AROUND! DAY AFTER DAY! WEEK AFTER WEEK! MONTH AFTER MONTH AND YEAR AFTER YEAR!” Mr. White’s chest was heaving up and down.
“Are you finished?” Combesin asked calmly.
“FINISHED?” Mr. White dumbly repeated, “NO I AM NOT FINISHED! I WANT YOU OUT! OUT OUT OUT OUT! NOW!” Mr. White pointed to the door that Combesin had walked in through not even ten minutes ago. His face started to cool, his arm lowered, and he realized the mistake that he had just made. He had only asked – no – demanded that Combesin was to leave only once, and it was on mistake he had made.
Combesin walked closer towards him. Her stiff body now just blocked by his desk. Slowly Combesin raised her octopus like left arm; the tip of it began to glow. She said nothing but just stood there. Her eyes were now deep pits, pits of fury. The tip of her arm was now glowing even more with an intense color of black. The right arm now lifted. Slowly like the first one, glowing an eerie black color. Her hair rippled as if there was wind blowing into her face. Mr. White even felt the little hair on his sides move as if they were being blown in the wind.
Higher and higher, her arms were level with her head. Mr. White was frightened. He caught the sight of his pencil lift from his desk it slowly glided to his face. Next was his pen, then even his tie pointed to his face.
The pencil that was once hovering to Mr. White’s left snapped in half and fell to the floor.
“That was my good pencil!” Mr. White said, but Combesin paid no attention it.
Mr. White’s tie quickly unraveled itself from his neck. Instantly the remaining pieces of the snapped pencil flew straight through the tie leaving a large hole.
“I’ll have you know that I paid good money for that tie!” Mr. White scolded. He then turned to the pen. It still pointed to his head, like a viper waiting to at any moment strike.
Snap! Splat!
The pen snapped in half as quickly as the pencil had. As it flew towards the ground it left a trail of ink in the air that was now too falling down from the air, but onto Mr. White instead of the ground.
“These are new clothes!” Mr. White howled. He leaped forward, he wanted to do something but Combesin was too quick. As Mr. White surrendered form behind his desk and raced towards Combesin. With much force Combesin dropped her arms and rushed them to her side. Mr. White was pushed back with a tremendous amount of force. The flower pot cracked leaving soil all over the ground, the desk was pushed back but not without leaving dark scraping marks on the floor. Mr. White was watching all of this happen so quickly while he himself was in air being pushed back, he was going to fall on the hard floor. Combesin quickly pointed to the ruined chair which now too glowed black. She then pointed to the spot where Mr. White was to fall, and magnificently the chair followed her arm’s movement.
Mr. White landed with a thud on the chair. It took a few seconds to piece everything back together, his office was a mess. “Are you mad woman?!” Mr. White asked.
Combesin’s arms were still facing out from her sides. “You now know what many go through when in battle; it may be a new experience for you.”
Mr. White raised his finger to protest but Combesin quickly made a half circle with her arms, they were not in front. Immediately the flower pot was put back together, the desk slid back its original home, erasing the skid marks that it left from its travel, the chair was put back together and Mr. White was sitting behind his desk once again.
Combesin put her arms down and slowly walked to the window, one last time. She peered down once again at Earth but her attention was caught by something else just beyond the horizon of Earth. A red light appeared. A meteor.
“What is it?” Mr. White eagerly asked. “Really now move! What is it that you are looking at?”
Combesin slowly moved and allowed Mr. White to take a look at the scene. He slowly turned around. “Why it’s nothing but a meteor, nothing to be alarmed about.” Mr. White strolled back to his desk he reached for the small blue button that lied next to the speaker.
“No!” Combesin shouted.
Mr. White whirled around. “Why not? I can get Space Dog on the job in a second and we won’t have to worry about that meteor crashing down on anything.
“That is no meteor!” Combesin almost shouted it. She took a deep breath. “Mr. White, I did not come here to destroy your office – as fun as it was – I came here to warn you-” Combesin was interrupted by the clicks and whirls from the door.
A tall and stern man appeared from the entrance. He had a trace of brown in his hair, but age had caught up with him and he had a lot of white hair nested on his scalp as well. His name was General Robins, one of the highest officers in C.J.S. His dark blue uniform showed his authority, his C.J.S. Crest on top of his heart. He was followed by a tall woman. She was not as stern. She gave the impression that she was shy, shy of the world. Unlike General Robins she was wearing something you might wear to a meeting. A nice shade of light blue, it fit perfectly with her hair. A nice dark brown, but it was balanced by purple highlights. She had large purple glasses to match her hair and a pencil that stuck out from behind her ear. She was Miss Stewart, Mr. White’s assistant.
Both stepped into the room. Robins gave Combesin a quick glare while Miss. Stewart shyly looked at her. They stopped in front of Mr. White’s large desk. Robins stood up straighter.
“Mr. White,” he began (his voice was deep and stern), “We have come here to give you grave news.” The General continued, “Remainings from a ship not far from here have been found. The Glenbles suggest that it was on course to here, the Earth Space Station.” Robins gulped, “They also confirmed that it was the ship of the decoration committee for the celebration.”
The room fell silent. Miss Stewart stood behind General Robins fiddling with her pencil that stuck behind her ear. Robins stood, hands folded with his small beady eyes on Mr. White. Mr. White was shocked. His mouth hung wide open his eyes were large plums gazing around the room until his eyes rested on Combesin. She was standing, not far from the door, silent as well. She took a quick step forward. All eyes were now on her.
“You knew about this?” Mr. White said with awe, “you knew, and you didn’t tell me?”
Of course she knew! Mr. White thought to himself.
“I was about to say before I was interrupted that your committee is dead.” Combesin said smoothly and calmly. “I already said it Mr. White, I did not come to argue with you, I came here to inform you of this tragedy. The evils in the world silently approach and when you least suspect it they pounce on you.”
“You said something about warning me.” Mr. White said stiffly.
“Yes, I am not finished!” Combesin snapped. “This celebration of yours, it is not a smart move! It is a terrorist’s paradise. Think of it for a second.” Mr. White moved uncomfortably in his chair. “More than half the population will be celebrating on one place! Earth! Earth of all places too; it’s small and the source of many things. If something were to happen to Earth resources that half the population depends on would be gone! And everyone would be there.”
“So?” Mr. White said, “We could evacuate everyone.”
“No! You can’t! Do you realize how long a planet evacuation from Earth would take? There wouldn’t be time!”
Mr. White scoffed. “Oh please, besides what is going to happen to Earth? Is it going to explode or something?” Mr. White laughed along with Robins and Stewart.
“Things can happen!” Combesin said. She took a quick glance back out of the window. The red dot was still there. Mr. White’s attention quickly landed on the conflict of the meteor.
“I don’t need this.” Mr. White said, “We have a meteor that will be heading straight for Beijing if not attended to. Space Dog should be able to clear that up.”
“No!” Combesin said. “Don’t you see it? Your committee is dead!”
“So what? I’ll get a new one and I won’t even have to worry about the bodies, I would assume that they were destroyed along with the ship.”
“The heartless only get what they have given. And that isn’t much! You committee is dead; it’s just the beginning of many deaths, a prelude of what is to happen! And that meteor is not meteor!”
“Oh no, you are wrong.” Miss Stewart said in a small voice as she fixed her glasses. “We also came here to warn you about that meteor, Mr. White. Our researches say that it is indeed a meteor.”
Combesin glared at Miss Stewart. “And I suppose we can trust you? Your story is an odd one of distrust, and it is still being written.”
“Combesin!” Mr. White yelled, “That will be enough. I must state that you and this whole ‘story being written’ hogwash is not needed here. And I don’t suppose you could tell me what that so called ‘not-meteor’ is?”
“I suppose I could.” Combesin said curtly. “What you are looking at from out that window is a ship.”
This time it was Robin’s turn to speak. “Ha! A ship? I wouldn’t think so, not even a commercial or cruise ship would be big enough for us to see. Well, perhaps the Marietta might but that doesn’t take for liftoff for another two weeks.”
“Yes, he has a point” Mr. White said.
“Oh don’t you see?” Combesin cried in frustration. “It is a trap! A trap by Doctor Catazoid!”
“No, no, no!” Mr. White yelled. “I have sat for countless hours listening to this myth of a cyborg cat! There is no such thing. There was never any Doctor Bender-”
“Doctor Fender.” Combesin corrected him.
“Oh what ever! There was no doctor who recreated life using rotted cat pieces and scarps of metal. I refuse to believe any of it. Besides, what does this ‘Catazoid’ plan to do anyway?”
“Take advantage of this celebration that is blinding your eyes! By sending Space Dog out there you are doing exactly what he wants you to do! Before he can commence with any of his plans he must first get rid of the problem and Space Dog is that problem. So disguise himself as an asteroid, get Space Dog close enough to capture, and finish the job! It is that simple, and it is what he plans to do.”
Mr. White’s hand reached for the small blue circular button. He suddenly stopped his finger right above the button. His eyes swirling with delight to see the look on Combesin’s face.
“Do that and you shall regret it,” Combesin said, her face was like stone. “I promise.”
Mr. White’s finger hit the blue button. The computer’s voice ringed through the room.
“Yes Mr. White?” It asked.
“I would like to request Space Dog on the line please. We have a slight problem. Please inform him that we currently are dealing with a Code Yellow Forty-Seven set to Beijing.”
The room was silent for several seconds. Combesin stared long and hard at Mr. White’s face which was now spread with a smile. General Robins looked at Mr. White as well but Miss Stewart was watching Combesin.
Finally the computer’s voice answered. “Your request has been fulfilled, have a nice day.”
Immediately, Combesin whirled around and walked out of the room saying nothing more.
The word promise kept twisting and swirling in Mr. White’s head. Why couldn’t that word just let him be?

May 20th, 2006, 3:07 PM
If it's not separated into paragraphs, can you at least try to do so in the future?

It's terribly difficult for readers to read anything. ._.

May 23rd, 2006, 4:58 PM
btw, I know it's not seperated into paragraphs, I just copy pasted it from Word.. =P

Yeah I realize that >.>;; maybe, I'll post the .DOC if you want to see it in paragraphs when I post Chapter Two up (which is almost ready).

Anyway I would like some comments on it please =D