View Full Version : The Makiba Factor (PG-13/Violence)

May 19th, 2006, 6:08 PM
Hi! B_B here! This is my first fanfic on PC. Two other fics on Serebii either failed horribly, or I totally forgot about. This one suddenly came up in my mind some rainy day and shows the darker side of Team Magma. Note that updates will NOT be predetermined, though I will try as much as I can to update it every one to two weeks. I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 1: Exchange
Itachi Makiba dashed silently from his perch behind a wall to behind a car, his breath catching in his chest as he saw his target. A Team Magma operative carrying a suitcase. The red hoody with black volcano was the unmistakable insignia of the notorious team of Pokemon terrorists who threatened to unleash an unimaginable power: Groudon, one of the ancients of the Pokemon world.

“I’m in position.” said the operative into a small walkie-talkie.

“Hold there until the benefactors and your backup arrives.” came a voice over the receiver.

“Understood.” replied the operative. Within several minutes, two more members of Team Magma came, holding something under their jackets. It did not take a fool to realize these men were holding automatic weapons, ready to fire.

“Get ready.” said the first operative. The other two nodded. A shadow loomed over the small alleyway they were all in. Itachi glanced upward. It was a large hovercraft, colored steel grey. It was surprisingly silent; the only indication that it was there was a gusty wind that came from above. Two bay doors on the bottom of the craft swung open and two zip-lines fell through.

“What the-?” Itachi said to himself. One of the armed Magma operatives glanced his way.

“Must be hearin’ things...” he mumbled. Two suited men descended down to the three Magma thugs, one of them holding another suitcase.

“Do you have the Orb?” asked the first Magma operative.

“Do you have the money?” one of the suited men shot back. The first Magma thug kneeled down and popped open the suitcase, revealing thousands of En. The suited man gestured to his partner, who laid down his suitcase and popped it open. A small, gleaming gem sphere lay inside, looking quite sinister. It was red and inside floated a symbol; a circle with two lines coming out of it.

“Good.” said the first Magma operative said simply. He kicked the money over to the two men, who, in turn, kicked the suitcase containing the Orb to the Magma thugs.

“Nice doing business with you.” said the first suited man. He turned tail with his partner to climb back into the hovercraft.

“Not quite.” said the first Magma thug. He gestured to the other two, both of whom whipped out their machine guns.

“You wouldn’t- AUGH!” screamed the first man as machine gun fire ripped into him. His partner yelled and attempted to escape, but was easily cut down by another hail of gun fire.

“Get the money.” said the first thug to one of the other men.

“Tabitha, sir, what do we do with the bodies?” asked the other operative.

“Throw them into the trash.” said Tabitha, turning around as he picked up the suitcase containing the Orb, “And clean up this mess.” he added, turning his nose in disgust at the blood.

“Crap.” Itachi whispered. Tabitha disappeared from the alleyway as the other two hoisted the bodies into a dumpster. He quickly sprinted out of the alleyway unnoticed, his mind reeling at what he had just witnessed. He couldn’t tell the authorities, or else it would become too public and blow his cover. He would have to trail Team Magma as a lone wolf. Of course, he also had to have his Pokemon. Before he knew it, he had walked to the city limits.

“Your Trainer Card, please?” asked the toll officer. Itachi pulled his card out of his hoody pocket.

“Here.” he said, handing the card over.

“Itachi Makiba. Master Rank Trainer. Brown hair. Black eyes. ID number 999376-H.” the officer read off the card. He handed it back to Itachi. “Be careful, Mr. Makiba.” Itachi nodded, walking out to the route just outside of Rustboro.

“Magma’s next move’ll be in Mauville City’s Old City area. That place is completely useless to anyone unless they’re in need of a hideout.” he said to himself. He realized then and there that he was talking to himself a whole lot more than he did to anyone else.

“Hey you!” yelled a young voice. Itachi stopped. He turned his head in the direction of the voice. It apparently came from a little boy who stood confidently in place.

“What do you want, kid?” Itachi asked blandly.

“A battle! Our eyes met, so you must fight me!” the child yelled.

“Kid, you don’t have to yell. I’m only, like, three feet away from you.” Itachi said angrily.

“Just battle me already, man!” yelled the kid impatiently. He pulled a Pokeball from his belt.

“You don’t want to battle me.” Itachi said to him, sighing.

“Yes, I do! I need to fight so my Pokemon’ll get stronger than anyone’s!” the kid explained.

“Fine, have it your way.” Itachi sighed, shaking his head. “You go first.”

“Go, Mudkip!” the kid yelled. “Win it for Timmy!” He threw the ball with utter confidence, releasing his Pokemon. The small blue mudfish like creature blinked as it awoke from its nap. Yawning, it stared at Itachi.

“Torch, let’s show this kid a STRONG Pokemon!” Itachi roared. He threw a Pokeball into the air, releasing a Blaziken even taller than Itachi. The Mudkip’s eyes widened in horror as it saw the towering creature. Torch, as it was nicknamed, stood, hands on hips, waiting for the opponent to make its first move.

“Uh... Mudkip, Hydro Pump!” the child (who’s name was apparently Timmy) commanded. His Mudkip merely looked at its owner and stared, confused. “Don’t you KNOW Hydro Pump?” he asked weakly. Mudkip shook its head. “Then... Tackle!” This attack Mudkip knew. It ran at mock-lightning speed, then rammed into Torch’s leg with all its might.

“Torch, do you REALLY want to hurt the little thing?” asked Itachi.

“I really don’t know.” replied the Blaziken, shrugging. Timmy could not understand what Torch was saying. Itachi, on the other hand understood perfectly well.

“Just... just kinda... kinda roast it, if you know what I mean.” Itachi explained, scratching his head. Torch shrugged, looked down at Mudkip, and blasted the smaller Pokemon with a torrent of flames. And that was it. Timmy looked down at his knocked out Mudkip with utter compassion, then at its defeater. Awestruck, Timmy thanked Itachi for an extraordinary battle and ran off to heal his injured Pokemon.

“What a weird kid.” said Torch, watching as Timmy ran off into the distance.

“Eh, they’re like that now.” said Itachi, walking away.

“Hey, wait up!” Torch exclaimed as he followed his trainer to their next destination.


“Do you have the Orb?” asked Maxie briskly. He sat behind his desk in the secret base of Team Magma. The base itself was hidden with extreme expertise; under a volcano off the coast of Pacifidlog Town.

“Of course, sir.” replied Tabitha. He stepped to the side and the door leading into Maxie’s office opened. Two Magma grunts carried in the Orb they had obtained earlier that day.

“And the two men we did... business with?” asked Maxie, his left eyebrow arching in inquiry.

“They’ve been dealt with, sir.” Tabitha explained. Maxie smiled.

“Good.” he said, “Our preparations for unleashing Groudon will begin soon.”

“But sir, we have a problem.” Tabitha began. He gestured for the two grunts to leave, then continued. “One of our high-level Admins was not present for our last meeting.” Maxie’s expression darkened.

“Where is he?” he asked. Tabitha hesitated to give the name in fear of his boss.

“Well... we don’t exactly KNOW where he is, sir.” Tabitha said, bracing for a sudden burst of anger.

“What is his name, Tabitha?” asked Maxie. He was obviously holding his rage in.

“His name is...” Tabitha began. He hesitated again before answering, “It’s Itachi Makiba, sir.”


So, that was it! Hope you enjoyed Itachi Makiba's first chapter of revenge/taking down Team Magma. Please review! :)

May 20th, 2006, 9:25 PM
Again, this is only a weak and new reviewer in practice... pray that Mr. Blazikens_Brushfire will forgive Naminé's ignorance about all there is to the fanfiction world.

Well, Naminé read the story but found that it was in a terrible rush. There is still a lack of details for most part, such as what happened. Though the story tell the readers what happened, Naminé thinks that the narration can talk beyond what is physically happening. The surroundings is also another important aspect that one can talk about, too.

Be sure to only include parts that can contribute to the story. The battle with Timmy is rather destructive than constructive for the story. It is never too appealing to talk about "talking Pokemon" too, rather it is the Pokemon talking or a human being who can understand Pokemon language without some very sufficient explanation for this to occur...

Super powerful main character always suggest a "Mary Sue," a perfect character type of person. It is never too appealing for anyone including Naminé to see a Mary Sue, but the battle with Timmy seems to suggest so.

Another thing that Mr. Blaziken_Brushfire can do is to try to add in more narration and details between dialogues. If it is a string of dialogues following each other, then the author should consider if it's necessary. If not, then some details should be added in between as well...

Naminé concludes that the primary focus for Mr. Blaziken_Brushfire is to further develop the narration to speak beyond the physical... mind of thoughts for characters are always a fundamental and a very important part of any writing~