View Full Version : the poem about Life

One Charmed Dude
June 22nd, 2006, 12:27 PM
I'm over here not over there.
sometimes life just isn't fair.
but through it all i can see,what's inside you and me.
Sometimes life is actually fair.
It seems like people really care.

But when i feel i'm shoved aside,only me and you
know we're alive. But that's alright,that's ok cause
tomorrow's another day!

Sometimes i feel the wishes i make are only fake.
Some don't come true and others do,so we'll make it through.
All i need is to be with you, i don't need another lure, i need
you as my cure!

So when you are down and won't come around, i am there
for you.
I also can be upset and down but you always make me
come around.

I'm over here not over there.
sometimes life just isn't fair.
but through it all i can see,what's inside you and me.
Sometimes life is actually fair.
And it seems like people really care

June 23rd, 2006, 5:29 AM
Awwws, that was a vey cute poem...it had a lot of emotion and I couldn't help but to read it five or six times....

One Charmed Dude
June 23rd, 2006, 7:35 AM
thanks Flarey-Chan thats nice of you!

June 29th, 2006, 1:50 PM
What went wrong: It seems clumsy. It's your diction that is primarily responsible for this, but there are also several unecessary statements at times. Also, your rhyme scheme, while free-form is somewhat lacking and can throw off the reader. There are several statements that are either unecessarily repetitive or obvious. Finally, it seems that little true thought went into this. It isn't unifed, in fact, it seemed disjointed. There's little to visually interest the reader or capture their imagination.

What went right: It seems heartfelt. If you continue writing poetry, don't let yourself lose your emotional involvement in the poem.

How to make it better: My suggestion would be to throw it out and start over. Pay particular attention to using imagery to convey meaning instead of simply saying what you mean. It's a subtle line, but an important one. Also, check your capitilization and punctuation. There are several errors there. Finally, don't worry so much about rhyme. Maybe freewrite for a few minutes before you put it to verse?

Overall score: 3/10

One Charmed Dude
June 30th, 2006, 10:08 AM
well thanks for the compliment but i disagree with your critisism. i think it was very good worth like a 7 or 8/10! i thinks it was pretty good and easy to follow, so i think it was pretty good!!!!

June 30th, 2006, 1:09 PM
You're also the same person who wrote it. You wouldn't have posted it if you didn't think it was good. I agree with ~Ozy~, however. It was rather choppy and lacked a basic, decent flow. It was, however, very sincere. That was good to see. But you need to focus on how things flow. My favorite poems tend to have a rather song-like flow. When I read a poem, a like to hear a randomized, unique melody float through my head.

One Charmed Dude
July 1st, 2006, 6:03 AM
the way i write poems is to type them and then kind of check them by singing tthem a few times. if it seems it flows smoothly then i post it, if not i edit it or rewrite it until i find it good enough to be posted. i guess it's all a matter of opinion not necessaraly mine lol. it doesn't really bother me much for opinions on my poem, even if i disagree.... but hey at least i got a little feed back thanks anyway!!!