View Full Version : But You Said

One Charmed Dude
June 27th, 2006, 10:25 AM
But You Said:
you said alot of things to me,
but now I am finally free.
The chains of sorrow no longer weigh me down,
today, I no longer wear a frown.....

You said you'd always be with me,
that thought filled my heart with glee.
But you told yet another lie,
but now I spread my wings and fly up so high.

I don't need you anymore,
you're no longer the one I adore.
I can finally see,
you're the one that needed me.

The days and nights of such horrid themes...
Now they seem like they're only dreams.
I've finally rid my mind of your thought,
looks like you're finally caught!

Now I can see,
never were in love with me!
As your thought in my mind dies,
I see all you've ever told were
Not one of my best works but pretty good for an off the top of your head kind of deal. tell me what you think!!!

June 30th, 2006, 1:13 PM
Key words here "top of your head kind of deal".

Poems are always better if you spend time on them. If you write them, give them a day, and then rewrite the lines that don't work. Your flow is very lacking. There is also very little in the rhythm department. Your lines look like they're trying to be equal, like they want to work together, but they just don't. You change the number of syllables from one line to the next radically.

The emotion, however, was still there, and that tends to make up for quite a bit.

One Charmed Dude
July 1st, 2006, 6:09 AM
well this poem is not one of my favorites but i thought it was ok. like i said on my other threads i like to type/write poems then chack them by singing them in a way. if i don't like them i edit or rewrite them!!!!!! the reason i said off the top of my head is i basicly just got a shock of inspiration, i didn't work on it forever. i only worked on it an hour or so, until i thought it was pretty good.
everyone has their own opinion, theirs just may not agree with mine, but thats ok...... i wanted feed back good or bad. thank you for your opinion!!!!