View Full Version : The Uwe Boll Shrine

September 22nd, 2006, 11:14 AM
This made me laugh so hard. xD This is copied from a thread at NSider. :) For those of you who don't know, Uwe Boll is the director of several video game movies, and nearly every movie he touches turns to crap. :P


Warning: The following thread was approved by the Uwe Boll Commission.

The Uwe Boll Commission
We don’t know the meaning of the word "bad".
Who is Uwe Boll, you ask?

He's the German director whose talent is to take great videogame franchises and make horrible movies from them. All his three game-based movies are part of the IMDb's Bottom 100 list, even though he already compared himself to directors like Sergio Leone (the king of the western genre and Clint Eastwood's mentor) and David Lynch (who is unable to explain his own movies so crazy they are).

His response to his critics? "They are r***!" (http://www.1up.com/do/newsStory?cId=3146777)

(You gotta love this guy!)

His response to the fans that hated his work? "Fans are always fliping out"

(Geez, Uwe... wonder why is that? Perhaps it's because you change the game's plot, the game's environment, and anything else you feel necessary.)

Uwe'sMovie Gallery!

http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/3083/38m2tj.jpgHouse of the Dead

A group of teens (obviously) go an island in the Pacific for the "Rave of the Century" (which consists of about 8 people and un-raving music).
What they don’t know is that the island is also known as the Island of the Dead (Wait! Wasn’t it HOUSE of the Dead?)...

http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/1595/68m4ab.jpgAlone in the Dark

And Uwe was allowed to direct yet again... In the original game, you’re an investigator who explored various "supernatural" phenomena, and became trapped in this haunted Victorian mansion. The movie, however, is set on a modern city and features a super-powered detective with assault rifles.


By far, this Uwe's best work. Sadly, that doesn't mean anything.
Instead of professional actresses, Uwe uses prostitutes in this movie. Why? Because they were better and (cheaper) than actors! Nuff said.

In Uwe We Trust

The Boll Movies We Want to See!!

Our goal here was to think like our buddy-boy Uwe would: how to make a movie out of a beloved franchises and insult as many people as we can?

Pong: The Movie - by Monkeycashew


Starring: Henry Winkler as left paddle & Yahoo Serious (yes that is someone's real name) as Right paddle

Henry Winkler (http://clients.newel.net/particulier/abrender/scr-winc.jpg) | Yahoo Serious (http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1260000/images/_1263930_aff_yahoo150.jpg)

Plot: The futuristic city of Paddlia is wrought with decay and strife. Two paddles, locked in battle for eternity are the deciding force of the world around it. The movie will work itself around these two combatants moving through the war-torn city, bashing a cool CG ball around to the music of Ramstein, all the while cutting into flashbacks of each Paddle's history. The right paddle was never held by his mother much and, in a fit of rebellion, must fight for the love of his dog smoopschky. The left paddles past deals with him trying to great a wonderous utopia that rests entirely on the economic values of scotch, only to fail miserably and duel with the the Right paddle in order to gain back his fame.
It's brilliant!

Pac-Man - A Waka Waka Waka Adventure!

Starring: Bob Saget as Pac Man, Kirstie Alley as Ms. Pac Man and some guy wearing a burqa as the Ghosts.


Plot Summary: Pac Man (Bob Saget) an Ms. Pacman (Kirstie Alley) are a bored married couple surprised to learn that they are both assassins hired by competing agencies to kill each other. However, they will both receive a visit from 3 Christmas ghosts (Burqa Chicks) that will teach them the value of love.

Baten Kaitos: The Hamtaro Legacy - by Wolverine[/b]


Starring: Milla Jovovich with green hair as Trill (poor actress, hot body); Bobo the Clown as Geldoblame and Orlando Bloom as Kalas (only because he makes me sick)

Plot: This movie is a 'prequel' to the game but after Baten Kaitos II. Trill is not the sweet, innocent girl that she will be once she learns the error of her ways. Her strong obsession with making tasty pastries leads her to believe she can control the world with them. She has a pet Hamtaro, and with her world famous donuts, she mixes the dough with some kind of mind controlling substance. Unfortunately since this is the world of Baten Kaitos, these critters are eating cards, which doesn't offer them much. Geldoblame discovers this plan, but is too afraid to act because his body is made out of marshmallows and doesn't want the little critters to eat him. Trill is forced to create an army of these Hamtaros with the mind controlling donuts because a small group wouldn't be strong enough to do her bidding. Kalas tries to make her realize otherwise, but soon loses his memory for no apparently reason and lives the rest of his life as a recluse eating these donuts. Instead of these guys having wings though, they are propelled with natural gas from their own body that is produced by the strange concoction of donuts.

And the Shrine lives once more!
Check out these potential Uwe Boll movies, coming to a theatre near you SOON!








JONNY THE PIE KING wrote the script o this one, but Luigiluvr999 showed it to Uwe!


And thanks to MISTERHERO, yet another future classic was found!

Battletoads - Double Dragon (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v425/MisterHero/Fun%20Stuff/uweboll1.jpg)


Now it's your turn to post the most insulting game-based movies ever imagined!

September 28th, 2006, 9:13 AM
Yes, I have heard about this guy. I'm impressed that he used prostitutes for Bloodrayne.

And you know that he challenged the critics who critized him ?? A boxing fight...

September 28th, 2006, 4:47 PM
Yeah I've heard on the radio that he challenged some film critics to a boxing match and I thought that was pretty pathetic! XD