View Full Version : lily petals

March 2nd, 2007, 10:40 PM
She walks on green fields with a handful of lily petals
To which her hand yields, and on the ground they settle

Sweet, tender fragrance wafts around her as she dances
With her endearing laughs and memorable kisses

And she, alas,
lies on the ground,
fresh cut bleeding grass,
the aroma of soil,
and the fragrance,

Of the lily petals
That she left to settle.

oni flygon
March 4th, 2007, 10:59 PM
I'll review, I'll review, just don't bother me about reviewing again...

But anyway, I'm not extremely fond of your unorthodox structure, but some internal rhymes are prety good. Really weird towards the end, but overall it's great. I just don't like the style of your structure... or maybe some shaky rhytm.

March 5th, 2007, 7:39 PM
flyfly /shot

Um...I'll be biased and say I liked it for the sheer mention of lilies. Other than that! It was a bit confsing--some rhythm didn't make sense when I read it out loud, but the rhymes were cool~ I liked the ending. Kinda sad. .-.

Keep writing. =]

March 5th, 2007, 10:00 PM
thankees so muchhh!!! ^w^ ish too bad pishy isnt reviewing.... u.u