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How Johnny Depp Ruined Another Night

Posted May 20th, 2011 at 2:16 AM by Shining Raichu
Updated May 20th, 2011 at 4:00 AM by Shining Raichu
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This blog is 100% spoiler-free and brought to you by my boredom and eagerness to please.

So, my friends have been looking forward to the opening of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides for months. Not one to find the concept of pirates interesting, I've never paid too much attention to the franchise, but I did see the second film (and largely hated it).

So, when my friends asked me to go along (on the proviso that I would be on my best behaviour), I was less than thrilled, but decided to go along anyway because they're always fun to be around. Also, one of them had broken up with his girlfriend of five years earlier that day and I wanted to be supportive. However, the second the lights dimmed and the movie began, I started to regret this decision.

For the few of you who might not know, Pirates of the Caribbean is a movie franchise that chronicles the ongoing battle between Johnny Depp and some buggery ugly sea monster whose only real motivation seems to be that he doesn't like Johnny Depp very much. I don't like Johnny Depp very much either, but I didn't try to destroy the entire pirating world so that I wouldn't have to live in a world that had him in it. Instead, I paid thirteen dollars to sit in a dark room for two hours and watch him prove to me once again why I don't like him. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger idiot.

On the other side of the screen, it chronicles the audience's patience at how much Jack Sparrow shtick they can tolerate while waiting for him to cut the crap and get on with things. The problem with the Jack Sparrow shenanigans is that they're so exhausting. I imagine he, like Russell Brand, would be incredibly hard to live with because they're always 'on'. Somewhere, Katy Perry is reading this blog and is pissed.

My friends gave me a brief catch-up before the movie began, basically consisting of "they finally killed Davy Jones", who I assumed to be the aforementioned buggery ugly sea monster. This disappointed me, as his on-screen chemistry with Jack Sparrow was so palpable that I remembered wondering why those two crazy kids couldn't just sit down and work it all out.

I figured it would be just a continuity of the adventures of Jack Sparrow and his friends, and that was fine with me, because while I hated the movie I did see, at least I knew what to expect.

I was wrong.

Part of the logic I had going in was that if I hated the movie, at least I would be able to watch Keira Knightley kick some sea monster ass. You can imagine my disappointment when I get in there to find that both she and Orlando Bloom's abs had left the franchise, only to be replaced by an old man who I call 'Captain Neckbeard' and Penelope Cruz, stretching herself to the very edge of her acting range by playing (prepare to gasp!) a fiery Spanish stereotype woman.

I couldn't find one character I cared about in the entire movie and I laughed at bits that weren't meant to be funny to relieve my intense boredom. But staying true to my promise to be on my best behaviour, instead of bothering my friends with my commentary, I took a notebook and wrote it down for you guys. I couldn't write much because it was dark and I couldn't see, but here are the thoughts that did make it to paper:
-- That is either Sparrow's father or his eyeliner-shopping buddy.

-- Why does Sparrow always feel the need to walk like he's on a tightrope? I know it's part of his character that he's always half in the bag, but really, find another stagger.

-- Why are they always scrubbing the deck? Why bother? This is a pirate ship, it will just be dirty again in a few minutes. It's not the QE2, for Christ sake.

-- Everybody in this film looks the same. I name them all Neckbeard.

-- Every man in this movie seems to be out to prove just how big his penis is by giving his biggest, heartiest manly growl. Maybe if they just whipped them out and measured, they could all shut up.

-- King Trident and Flounder would not stand for this nonsense.

-- They did an episode of Charmed about pirates and the Fountain of Youth that wasn't nearly this tedious.

-- It dumbfounds me how a group of people constantly surrounded by so much water can nevertheless always be so dirty
So, that's my biased review. I wouldn't recommend this movie to anybody, but perhaps someone who can actually handle Johnny Depp and pirate culture would get more enjoyment from it. Though I wouldn't bother paying the extra money to see it in 3D, it only makes how much the movie sucks jump right out in your face.
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  1. Old Comment
    Misheard Whisper's Avatar
    Flounder trumps Depp a million billion kajillion times over. <3
    Posted May 20th, 2011 at 2:28 AM by Misheard Whisper Misheard Whisper is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Somewhere, Katy Perry is reading this blog and is pissed.
    Orlando Bloom's abs
    King Trident and Flounder would not stand for this nonsense.
    These are now my three favourite quotes I've ever heard online ever.
    Posted May 20th, 2011 at 3:55 AM by Liliana Vess Liliana Vess is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Kirozane's Avatar
    Depp seems a little confused at why a lot of people don't like him.... And I know why. As a bit of an ego thing he NEVER watches a movie in which he is involved. NEVER. And considering that's quite a lot these days, I have to assume he doesn't watch that much TV at all. Maybe if he did, he'd get an idea....

    -- They did an episode of Charmed about pirates and the Fountain of Youth that wasn't nearly this tedious.
    Oh my gawd they did... I forgot all about that.

    And you are a hilarious person. You have made my day.
    Posted May 20th, 2011 at 8:46 AM by Kirozane Kirozane is offline
    Updated May 20th, 2011 at 11:04 AM by Kirozane
  4. Old Comment
    Meganium's Avatar
    Wait, Katy Perry has a PC account? O___o j/k

    You made me LMAO. I'll keep this blog in mind whenever I want to see a Pirates movie.
    Posted May 20th, 2011 at 11:37 AM by Meganium Meganium is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Livewire's Avatar
    I like Pirates though. ;__;
    Posted May 20th, 2011 at 4:52 PM by Livewire Livewire is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Shining Raichu's Avatar
    Originally Posted by Live_Wire466 View Comment
    I like Pirates though. ;__;
    Aww don't worry, if you like the franchise I'm sure you'll like the movie. I'm just bitter and twisted
    Posted May 20th, 2011 at 5:31 PM by Shining Raichu Shining Raichu is offline

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