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This is my story.

Posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:14 PM by paintbucket

If you get the reference(Final Fantasy X), you get a free cookie!

I wanted to rant a bit in this blog, so I guess I'll just do so.

For those of you that don't know, I have Anxiety Disorder, as well as Depression(whether it's chronic or not I don't know yet), as well as claustrophobia. I wanted to share this all with you, because this is definitely something real, and something damaging that I wouldn't wish upon even on my worst enemy, because the pain is unbearable, and it can literally tear you apart from the inside out.

I was at work today, and for some reason I felt odd. Like, my Anxiety struck. For those of you who took a lot of Psychology courses, it doesn't take much to figure out why this triggered. For those of you who don't, there are these things called stimuli, and it's basically a fancy psychological term for "something that triggers", pretty much. You have neutral stimuli(which would trigger no reaction) and a conditioned stimuli(which would trigger a specific reaction).

However, in the case of my psychological issues, anything and everything could be the stimuli for it, and it could happen at any time for absolutely no given reason at all. It may be a certain thought, or someone's actions, or what someone is saying, or anything like that, and it would be out of my control. Thankfully, I've gotten so good at controlling my emotions that I don't really do much more than just cry it out really, which is what I did at work. Several times really. It got so bad to the point where my own supervisor kind of sent me home early because she noticed that something was clearly evidently wrong with me.

It was just that...I was becoming weak. As much as I -wanted- to do what was expected of me, I just couldn't, because I was beating myself up too much, because that's something that Anxiety and Depression does to you, tenfold. The claustrophobia is there to basically tell you that you have no way out and that you're trapped in a small space. Restriction, pretty much, and that's the worst feeling to have. I like to be as free as a bird, to have as many options as I want, and unfortunately, today just so happened to be one of those days where these issues managed to get more prevalent. The sad part is, they get more and more prevalent each and every time.

However, I'm pretty confident that I'll be okay. I'm not saying that I'll be 100%, or that my health is going to significantly improve or anything like that, but I'll be okay. The main problem here is that I have to find my own way of dealing with the issue, because my last meeting with my psychologist pretty much told me that it's out of her hands, and that there's really not much she can do about my own depression since it isn't like the usual ones, and I don't think any sort of happy pills would have a significant effect in any case.

So while this may be a significant obstacle, all I ask for is your support, PC, really. I try everyday to be a happy person, and I normally am, really! It's not like I really go about moping or anything like that, I do put a smile on my face despite the pain that I face, because I like putting a smile on other people's faces. It's inspirational, it's touching, and most of all, it brightens up their day and it brightens up my day. That's my drive everyday, and I'm sticking to it for pretty much the rest of my life, as it's also the basis and foundation for my career purpose: I do what I do to help, so I can put a smile on people's faces.

I know I cannot make everyone happy, but I'll try to make as many people happy as possible, at least. Smiles and happy moods are contagious, after all!

That being said, I'm glad I got this out of my chest, because I needed a source to finally let it out. I'll eventually find a way to deal with the issue on my own, and search for alternatives somehow, because I don't necessarily plan for these issues to cause pain for me anymore because it is terrible when they do. It's like(for those of you who are into space) a black hole, sucking your insides out, or if you're into cooking, your insides slowly being cooked, whichever is more painful, I suppose.

Thanks for reading all of this, PC. I guess you gained a bit of insight in my life that I've managed to tell very little people. But again, do not feel sad for my mishaps, I want you guys to smile and share with me the happiness and strength needed to overcome my obstacles!
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  1. Old Comment
    Kiriyuuki Kasuna's Avatar
    Auron -FFX "This is my story. And you're not a part of it."

    Posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:28 PM by Kiriyuuki Kasuna Kiriyuuki Kasuna is offline
  2. Old Comment
    colours's Avatar
    The reference itself is more or less based on the entire "my story" concept of FFX. XD Figured an Auron quote would pop up sooner or later.
    Posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:30 PM by colours colours is online now
  3. Old Comment
    Rainbow Arcanine's Avatar
    Free cookies. :D

    But getting a little more serious, wow Derk I can completely understand what you're saying, I don't think I suffer from claustrophobia but sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me too and I do feel down quite often as well. ;;

    But it's really nice of you too try make everyone happy and smile, the world feels so much better when you do so :3. It is inspirational and one smile can spread to millions of smiles, smiling does the world great benefits so I really appreciate what you try to do for others Derk. :D

    I'm definitely sure PC will be understanding and support you along the way, the members here are wonderful. <3

    But I do hope you overcome the obstacles Derk, I really do. :3
    Posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:42 PM by Rainbow Arcanine Rainbow Arcanine is offline
  4. Old Comment
    droomph's Avatar
    I go nuts overanalyzing myself.

    I don't know if that counts.

    (i.e. I think I know, but I don't)
    Posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:46 PM by droomph droomph is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Golurks Were Meant to Fly's Avatar
    Derk I know you always manage to put a smile on my face!

    I'm sorry that you have anxiety etc, (I know you don't need me to say this) but it's really unfair. :( Never give up and keep going forward!
    Posted February 22nd, 2013 at 12:29 AM by Golurks Were Meant to Fly Golurks Were Meant to Fly is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    I used to have an anxiety disorder and depression, so I definitely can relate. Pills didnt work for me (made it worse) but I got better and I believe you can too! Just keep being strong!! Thanks for sharing and I hope whatever support you're seeking is helping you, even if little by little.
    Posted February 22nd, 2013 at 5:20 AM by Kura Kura is offline
  7. Old Comment
    seeker's Avatar
    I grew a moustache once
    Posted February 22nd, 2013 at 9:22 AM by seeker seeker is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Originally Posted by Abnegation View Comment
    I grew a moustache once
    That's cool, next you should try growing some empathy!
    Posted February 22nd, 2013 at 10:25 AM by Kura Kura is offline
  9. Old Comment
    colours's Avatar
    lol mustaches. @[email protected] I find them weird.
    Posted February 22nd, 2013 at 11:51 AM by colours colours is online now
  10. Old Comment
    Fairy's Avatar
    You've been fighting this alone for so long.. I'm so proud that you decided to write up a blog about it. You're such an amazingly strong person and you have our unconditional support, hun. You can learn to overcome and manage this. <33;
    Posted February 22nd, 2013 at 12:05 PM by Fairy Fairy is offline
  11. Old Comment
    Jake♫'s Avatar
    Awwww Derk <3
    Posted February 22nd, 2013 at 5:15 PM by Jake♫ Jake♫ is offline
  12. Old Comment
    seeker's Avatar
    Originally Posted by Kura View Comment
    That's cool, next you should try growing some empathy!
    Posted February 23rd, 2013 at 9:01 AM by seeker seeker is offline

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