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I need to blog.

Posted May 3rd, 2014 at 8:06 PM by au bon

This place has been the place where I sought comfort for a few years now, so it's where I go automatically whenever I need some. And I need some right now. If you read this, please comment with any advice you have.

Every night, I have trouble falling asleep. I think I'm becoming an insomniac. Even Zzzquil doesn't work. I take it, eventually I fall asleep for about an hour, and I'm up again until the early morning hours. During that time that I'm awake, I drown myself in negative intrusive thoughts. I can't control them coming in. I don't want these thoughts to cloud my mind at night, but they do. And when they're there, I can't help but focus on them. They're all reflective of myself. The things I want, the things I don't like, the things I can't change no matter how hard I try. It gets harder and harder to deal with them.

I am becoming very dependent on other people. For a long time now, I didn't need other people to be happy. I could find happiness in being alone. Other people were nice to talk to every now and then, but I didn't need to be around them. Lately, I'm finding myself craving some sort of interaction with the people in my life. And when I don't get that attention when I want it, I get upset. I fear the worst. And then I feel clingy, if I try to demand that attention (like sending another text message if I don't get a reply back). Eventually that piles up, and I withdraw from the people in my life. I think it's subconscious. Some way of weeding myself off of these people who I want so desperately to be part of my life. Maybe it's a rebellion to my need to communicate with them. Eventually, some of them will send me a text. And I feel happy when that happens.

Right now, there are two main thoughts in my head. These are the thoughts that made me want to blog.
1. I like me. I know why I like me. But I don't know why, or how, other people can like me.
2. I wish I had friends who wanted to hang out with me as much as I want to hang out with them.

I've developed a need to physically be around my friends. For a long time, whenever I wanted some form of interaction, I could make do with internet friends if I wasn't able to hang out with my offline friends. My online friends still matter a great deal to me, and mean the world to me. But I can't be around them, and while they're nice to talk to, I need to be around someone. And lately, I've just been feeling like my offline friends just tolerate me. I've been questioning my friendship with so many of them, and I really only had a few of them that I considered to be actual friends in the first place. I feel lonely. I feel detached. I feel like if I were to die tomorrow, they wouldn't really notice or feel any void in their soul of my missing.

I've realized I lost a lot of friendships where I was so close to someone, and then suddenly we weren't. There are people who mattered so much in my life, who I have means of communicating with, who I don't. Who don't communicate with me. I don't want that to happen anymore. The friends I have now, I want to be in my life. I want to know for sure that my friends care about me. I want them to text me first. I want them to invite me out, or show some interest in hanging out with me rather than me always asking. I want to feel like I matter in their life. And I don't. I really, really don't. And I really, really don't like feeling so dependent on other people's attention.

I want my friends to be aware of these feelings, but I don't want them to be explicitly said out of fear of being clingy, overly attached, and desperate.
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