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Know Yourself First

Posted February 6th, 2015 at 9:51 PM by Palamon

I'm always going to be an idiot running away from who I really am. Whatever that means. I'm not known as "cryptic" for no reason, you know. Even when I was writing my novel at some point (need I remind you, it's 490 pages, but I'll continue to say that it isn't impressive because that's in the word document. On handwritten paper, it's 1050 pages and 525 sheets of paper. Pick your poison. That's yet another thing I wonder how is impressive. But I guess not everyone can get away with saying, "I wrote a book that's over 400 pages.)

Anyway, I barely even know who I truly am. I, myself, which side of me is the real me. Everywhere I go, I act like someone different. It's like those sides of me are completely different mess, but all of them are just throwaways that I use to hide who I really am. Whoever I really am, anyway.

It's not like that's an identity issue. I just can't figure out who I really am and which side of me is the real me. I feel like six different people. Amongst these six, I'm somewhere in there, maybe, but I have no idea where.

Going back to my novel, when I was writing that, it taught me some things about myself that I probably was better off never discovering about myself. (Ie: just how dark I can truly think. Dear god, some of the stuff I write is more gruesome than I thought I could even get.) I might as well admit this now. Writing an entire novel an NOT giving up on it made me discover things about myself even though I wasn't even in my novel.

Going back to figuring out who I really am, though, some people actually wonder why I'd want to, well.

Sometimes I just want to not be a complete stranger to myself and have to literally lie to myself about which of me is the actual me.

I'll just toss this out there. I even used to try to be the people I wanted to be. Online, of course. But I stopped with that in 2013 because that was stupid.

"Oh, stop worrying about it. You're overrating. You're only eighteen." Am I? Probably. But I'll get over myself if that's what some people want me to do, I guess.

Maybe I should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else.
I don't know, I have nothing else to say.
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  1. Old Comment
    Taemin's Avatar
    I think it's easy for a lot of people who are cut off from social interaction in some way to lose who they are. For a lot of years I kept to myself, and spent a lot of time online, and I didn't really start really figuring out who I was until I started meeting more people face to face and doing things with them. When you're alone with thoughts, and art, and etc, I think it's easy to overthink, because you're given so much time to do that, and then thoughts get muddled.

    Though, also, everyone has different sides to themselves. No one acts the same in all their varying social situations.
    Posted February 6th, 2015 at 10:25 PM by Taemin Taemin is offline