Some days you're the pigeon

Some days you're the statue. Statue day today. Lots of disappointments, plans being made, cancelled, new plans being made, those being cancelled, too, and ending up somehow not doing anything I wanted to do and doing a lot of things I didn't care for. All to accommodate other people.

It's not exactly like it sounds though. Like, I'm not the doormat I used to be. It's not that I was being taken advantage of. Sometimes I think I'm a little bit of a sociopath in that I can be really unmoved by people's feelings, but today I was honestly trying hard to be supportive since it was all my friends being passive-aggressive, uncommunicative, dismissive asshats to one another. I was the moral support since I wasn't directly involved. So I put myself out there, saying "Hey, I'm here for you." I wanted to be all "not my circus, not my monkey" since there were things I wanted to do today, but I thought, no, that's what a heartless person does. I'm not going to be that person.

So here I am, awake in the middle of the night after trying to provide comfort, advice, and support to people who aren't ready to listen or accept it. It's so tiring. I'm trying to roll with it, tell myself there are up days and down days, but lately it's been all down days and I feel like I was due for an up day a while ago. Haven't had the energy to engage in my hobbies and barely enough strength to do the things I have to do like keeping myself clean and eating. It's so stressful that I hurt my back. That last part was probably because I slept funny, but it doesn't help.

Ugh. This is so whiny. I feel so whiny. Ugh.